Destructive Desire
by HalcyonSeasons
Summary: Determined to leave her past behind, Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington. However, when Bella starts dating the dark and dangerous Edward Cullen, she is being pulled into a whirlwind of abuse, heartbreak, and lust. This isn't your little sister's Twilight fanfic. Rated M for strong language and mature content. No vamps or wolves in sight.
1. Halo

_**A/N**_: _This is my first fanfic, and it's a Twilight Saga fanfic, if you didn't know. Please read, review, and enjoy. _

_Every chapter is named after the song that inspired me for the chapter, and Beyonce's "Halo" inspired me a little for this chapter, so chapter 1 is named "Halo". Got it? Enjoy!_

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><p><strong><em>Destructive Desire<em>**

**A Twilight Saga fanfic by MusicTwilightLove**

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><p><strong><em>Halo<em>**

**v.2**

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><p>As I walked out of the airport, I came up with two questions: 1. how much was Forks going to suck? And 2. where was Charlie?<p>

He hadn't even bothered to come pick me up. I know we weren't exactly the closest, but the least he could do was come pick me up from the airport. I figured he must be late, so I waited, for three hours. He probably didn't even have a good excuse.

Crap. _Now_ how was I supposed to get home?

I called Charlie for the fifth time and he finally answered.

"Where are you?" I demanded.

"Bella?"

"_Yes_, Bella. I'm here at Sea-Tac. Why aren't you?"

"I thought I would be picking you up tomorrow," he said, sounding a bit guilty.

_What the hell? _I thought. "What made you think that?"

"Your mom told me."

"So you're telling me that I came here a day early?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Shit," I said under my breath. I really didn't mean to curse while talking to my father, but it just happened. It seemed to be the appropriate time to curse, anyway. It wasn't like _I'd_ accidentally forgot to pick _him_ up.

"Do you need me to come get you?" he asked.

What a stupid question. "Yes!" I exclaimed. "I've been here for hours."

"Well, you're going to be there for a couple more, okay? I'll get there as quick as I can."

"Hurry."

I hung up and set my luggage on the pavement of the sidewalk. I sat on one of my bags and couldn't help but sulk. I wanted to be back in Phoenix. I wanted to be back in Phoenix oh so very much.

I knew this was an airport, but why did everyone and their mother have to be here? There were people crowding everywhere, and they talked as loud as if nobody was here.

I checked my cell phone and saw that it was 3:14pm. Great. Just great. I was supposed to be in Forks already, but instead I was stuck at a huge airport in Seattle, I had arrived a day early, and Forks was going to suck, anyway. In addition, it was really cold. Sitting outside in Washington in January was a dumb idea. What a way to make my entrance to a new place. Fabulous.

"Don't tell me you've missed your flight too," I heard a voice say. I looked up to see a handsome guy—about six-foot-one, with green eyes and bronze hair—standing to my right.

"I didn't," I said, "but I do have a sad excuse for a dad that didn't know I was coming today."

He chuckled quietly, trying to muffle it—probably to not hurt my feelings or something like that—and asked me, "Where are you headed?"

"Forks," I replied. "What about you?"

"I go to school in Forks, but I'm flying out to New Hampshire for the weekend."

"What school?" I asked. I immediately regretted the question. Forks was a dinky little town. It probably only had one high school. _Way to go, Bella_.

"Forks High School," he told me. "We're on winter break right now.

"I'm starting there on Monday," I said. "I'll be a junior there."

"That's funny, because I'm a junior, too."

How convenient. "It's a really small school, huh?" I asked.

"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence between us, but then he broke it. "Hey, I've gotta catch this flight. See you around?"

I smiled. "See you around."

I watched as he walked away. There was at least one good-looking boy from Forks High School. Maybe I would enjoy Forks after all.

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><p><em><strong>AN: **__So what do you think? If you think it's boring, believe me, more will happen. I've got it all down in my head, lol. I live off of reviews, so please do so! I will heart you forever._

_Thanks to Dream Of Rose Petals, I would have never gotten this started properly. I owe you forever, Rose!_

_Take care,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


	2. New Kid In School

_**A/N**_: _Thanks for the reviews, you guys! I heart you lots. Here I have the next chapter of Destructive Desire, "New Kid In School"._

_The song "New Kid In School" by the Donnas has inspired me for this chapter._

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><p><em>Lyrics of inspiration:<em>

_"Tell me something,_

_Do you feel lonely?_

_Come sit next to me_

_Tell me honey,_

_Do you feel lonely?_

_Come get closer to me"_

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><p><em>Read, review, and enjoy!<em>

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><p><em><strong>New Kid In School<strong>_

**v.2**

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><p>"It's about time," I said once I got in Charlie's police cruiser.<p>

"You're the one who came a day early," he reminded me. "Don't forget that. It's Friday, but you weren't supposed to get here until tomorrow."

I scoffed.

"Happy New Year," he added.

The drive from Seattle to Forks was very, _very _long, and I tried to stay awake. Though I knew that there would be nothing particularly interesting there, I didn't want to miss a thing.

Thinking about the boy at the airport kept me awake. I should have learned his name. Better yet, I should have gotten his number. I tried to imagine us in a situation like what had happened in Phoenix. For one thing, someone as gorgeous and nice as him wouldn't have been there. But if we had been in Phoenix, things would have gone differently. No names spoken, give it up and get down to business on a Friday night...

But I was here, in Washington. Life was going to suck for now on, anyway. So why not live through the rest of my life differently?

It had been a while when were finally in Forks, home to only three thousand or so people. Three thousand fucking people. This town was small and lame. I could pretty much smell the mediocrity.

I was starting to miss Phoenix already. It was so different from Forks. Phoenix was hot and brown and gold; Forks was green. Phoenix was hot; Forks was moist. Phoenix was a huge city; Forks was a dinky little town that nobody would ever bother to put on a map. I didn't belong in Forks. I instantly regretted the decision to leave Phoenix. Crap. I should have stayed and rotted away, dancing with myself.

I noticed a rusty red truck sitting in the driveway. Charlie couldn't have gotten a new car, I decided.

Charlie pulled the cruiser into a driveway at last, and I saw the house. It didn't look very different from when I used to come to Forks when I was a kid, and it had been a long time since I'd been here. I was sort of glad the house didn't look different. I didn't really like change. You know the saying, _If it ain't broke, don't fix it? _I lived by that.

Charlie took my two rolling bags of luggage, I took my one smaller bag without wheels, and we headed into the house. The interior wasn't very different either.

I followed him upstairs, and he opened the door at the end of the hallway. I stepped in. "This is your room," he told me.

_No shit_, I wanted to say. Then, I decided that saying "shit" to my father twice in one day really wouldn't start us off on the right foot.

My room was definitely different from how it used to be. I was glad about this, though.

It wasn't a kid's room anymore. No pictures I had drawn from kindergarten on the walls, no board games lying around, nothing. Just a bed with purple linens, a dresser, and a desk with an old desktop computer sitting on it. The computer looked like a piece of shit, but it was better than nothing, I guessed. I hoped it worked.

Charlie put my bags down and let me absorb my new bedroom. However, there wasn't much to absorb. I sat on my bed and thought.

I thought of the boy from the airport.

He was so hot. Thinking about him got my skin hot, and I had just met him. We had probably only exchanged two sentences or something. I really should have learned his name and gotten his number. But we would be at the same school, after all. I'd be able to find him easily enough. He was one of the finest things I had ever seen.

He seemed very different from the boys from my old school. Most of the good-looking guys from Desert Vista High School were jocks, and they were some of the most pigheaded people ever. They were also so fucking disgusting. That didn't mean I hadn't partied with them, though. Once there's weed involved, you're everyone's go-to girl.

This new boy in my life, however, was different. I wondered if he was a jock. Maybe, maybe not. I hoped he was different from the boys from Desert Vista High. Looks can be deceiving. Maybe we could have a real relationship, unlike the many encounters with boys I'd had in Phoenix. But first things first. I would have to learn his name.

I hoped I would have many classes with him.

Charlie called my name, interrupting my thoughts, and I walked downstairs to see what he wanted.

"Come out here," he told me. "I'm outside."

I walked outside to find him leaning against the red truck, the disgusting hunk of metal that it was.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's your homecoming present," he told me with a smirk.

"Seriously? _This_?"

"Yep. It's from Billy Black. You used to play with his kids when you were younger."

Billy Black's name rang a bell. I instantly remembered being around his daughters when I was younger. I would have to thank him a lot for the truck someday.

The truck was outdated and probably not the average car students had at my school, but I could definitely see myself driving it. I didn't know why.

I smiled. "Thanks, Dad," I told him. "I love it."

"Really?" he asked, surprised, as if nothing pleased me.

"Yes, really."

He smiled wider. "I'm glad you like it."

Me too, I thought. Believe me.

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><p>I woke up the next morning (and the two after that) to a cool breeze, rather than the familiar heat of Phoenix. I had no hope of getting used to Forks.<p>

Charlie was already gone by the time I was dressed and downstairs to get breakfast on Monday morning. He left a note on the table with directions to Forks High School. The directions seemed simple enough.

I ate breakfast quickly then got in the truck to drive to school. I turned the heater on as soon as I safely in the cab of the truck. I would need a coat so I wouldn't freeze my ass off some day.

I got to the high school in minutes. It was easy to find, mainly due to the fact that it wasn't that far from Charlie's house. I seemed to be fairly early, which was good, so I went to the office and got my schedule.

My first class, English, was in a different building from the office, and when I entered the new building, a gust of heat smacked me right in the face.

_What the fuck?_

I got to Mr. Mason's classroom in minutes. I felt the glares of the students that were already there. Great. I should have had the words _new kid in school _branded on my forehead. Everything was obvious enough. Why not accentuate it?

Mr. Mason pointed to my assigned seat after greeting me. I was assigned next to a girl named Jessica. She had large blue eyes and brown hair. She seemed very inviting; she talked to me during the entire class, explaining my schedule and giving me information on the teachers, like which ones were nice, which ones weren't, which ones gave a lot of homework, which ones were bad at teaching, etc. I swore, if all the students at Forks High School were like this, I would move back with Renee in two seconds. Jessica would never shut the fuck up.

The next three classes—Government, Trigonometry, and Spanish—passed by quickly. I had Spanish with Jessica, and she invited me to sit with her at lunch. So I sat with her. I couldn't just deny the request. I had nobody.

Jessica seemed much shorter than me, and I wasn't exactly on the tall side, me standing at five feet and four inches tall. Her talkative nature seemed to make up for her shortness. I barely noticed it.

We sat with four other people. Three guys and one other girl. The girl whose name I hadn't really learned was very quiet. The guys, however, were pretty loud in comparison. Only a couple seemed to be jocks though. They were pretty different from the guys in Phoenix. Less rowdy.

As they all talked and ate—I barely spoke at all—I looked around…and saw him. He was the one person I had been thinking of since I arrived to Forks, and he was here. I smiled. Then I turned to Jessica. "Where's the bathroom?" I asked her.

She looked at me with a confused expression on her face. As if people here didn't go to the bathroom. She had a smile on her face once again in seconds. "Out of here, to the left, and down the hall," she told me.

"Thanks."

I got up and walked out of the cafeteria. But I wasn't going to the restroom. The guy I had met at the airport had walked out of the cafeteria. I wondered why.

I didn't mean to be a stalker or anything, but I followed him. I needed to see him so badly.

When I entered the hall, I saw him again. He was turned around, walking away.

"Hey!" I called.

He turned around, caught a glance of me, smiled, and then walked back toward me. "Bella?"

_That's weird_, I thought. I never told him my name.

"Um, yeah," I said, surprised. "How did you know my name?"

"Everyone's been talking about you," he explained. "We've all been waiting for the chief police's daughter. Chief Swan talks about you a lot, but this place is so small, stuff gets around."

That was a bit odd, yet flattering. It was also very pathetic. Didn't these kids get out every once in a while? They seemed so small-town.

"Sorry I followed you here," I told him. I could feel myself blushing. I seemed to have made a fool of myself once again.

"Nah, that's okay," he said, flashing me a smile. I could have died and gone to heaven over that crooked smile. "I was going to find you at lunch, anyway."

"Really?" I asked. I didn't believe him.

"Yeah, really." He was silent for a moment. Then he stuck out his hand. "I'm Edward Cullen, by the way."

I smiled then took his hand and shook it. "I'm Bella Swan, but I think you knew that already."

"It's nice to finally meet you officially, Bella."

This guy knew how get girls, I could tell. He was fucking smooth. Not sure what he was doing, but whatever it was, he was doing it right. Wouldn't have been surprised if he had a girlfriend.

"It's nice to finally meet you as well, Edward," I said.

And I was bitching about being the new kid in school…It wasn't even that bad with the sexiest angel ever on my side.

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><p><em><strong>AN**_: _So how was that? Yes, I know Bella is a drama queen - she is meant to be that way. I live off of reviews, so don't hesitate to review it! Remember: more is to come. (Spoiler: Eddy dearest isn't really the prince charming.)_


	3. Stop Trying

_**A/N**_: _Hey! Here's a new chapter. Thanks to those that reviewed. I heart you lots! Sia's "Stop Trying" inspired me for this chapter._

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><p><em>Lyrics of inspiration:<em>

_"Take a break_

_You must be tired from the strain_

_Take a break_

_I might ask our pain_

_Please, slow down_

_You are making my head spin_

_Please, slow down_

_You have all I have to give"_

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><p><em>So enjoy!<em>

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><p><em><strong>Stop Trying<strong>_

**v.2**

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><p>Who would have thought that two weeks later Edward and I would be walking down the hall side-by-side, fingers intertwined, as a couple? I could barely believe it myself.<p>

So we rushed a bit into a relationship. That didn't matter. All I knew was that I really liked him, and he seemed to like me back just as much or even more. I didn't love him. No way. But I had a chanced of falling in love with him in the future.

Charlie didn't know that I was dating Edward. As far as Charlie was concerned, I was still the awkward new kid with no friends. Charlie would have to find out some time, though.

I vaguely pondered on whether Charlie knew what had happened in Phoenix or not. Maybe he did, but my mother told him not to mention anything to me. Or maybe he simply didn't know. Either way, I didn't want him bringing anything up.

I'd spent a lot of time with Edward and his family. One day, Edward took me to his house after school, where I met his family. He'd also taken me many other times. Esme, Edward's mother, was completely sweet, but I barely got to see her because she was always working. She was a total workaholic, so engulfed in supporting her family as an interior designer.

Two of Edward's siblings went to Forks High School—Alice and Emmett. Alice was a fresh-faced sophomore with an intense but nice nature, and Emmett was a senior and pretty humorous. He cracked jokes all the time when I sat with the Cullens at lunch or went to their house after school.

Edward had told me about his other siblings, Rosalie and Jasper. They were fraternal twins that were in their freshman year of college. Since Esme and Edward's father, Carlisle, divorced, Rosalie and Jasper had lived in New Hampshire for the remainder of a school year, then they moved to Denali, Alaska until Rosalie and Jasper graduated from high school. They were both currently attending college in New Hampshire, since Carlisle moved back, Jasper was going to be in the military and Rosalie was studying at Dartmouth.

Edward barely talked about Carlisle. I wondered why. Maybe Edward was still hurt over the divorce?

People always stared at Edward and I when we walked to our classes (we shared only two—Biology and Gym—as well as lunch, of course) together. I felt like there was a huge spotlight always shining on me, and it was so fucking uncomfortable. We were only dating. It wasn't like we were celebrities or anything. Those kids acted like they'd never seen two people holding hands before.

When Edward and I reached Mr. Banner's Biology classroom for fifth period, Mike Newton walked up to me enthusiastically.

"Hey, Bella," he greeted me, ignoring Edward.

"Hey, Mike," I said, "but the bell's about to ring so I don't think we can talk ver—,"

"What do you want, Mike?" Edward asked him coldly. I had never seen this side of Edward before. It was quite bizarre.

"I was just going to talk to Bella," Mike said, seeming confused. "What's your problem?"

"She obviously doesn't want to talk to you, so I suggest you back off." Edward's face and voice was so serious. It was scaring the shit out of me. Mike, with a half confused and half scared expression on his face, walked away.

I put a hand on Edward's chest and looked at him straight in his green eyes. "No need to worry, Edward. I'm fine."

He grimaced and then took his seat. I guessed he was over it already. The bell rang shortly as I started walking to my own seat, which was right next to Edward.

"You better explain to me what the hell is going on," I told him right before Mr. Banner got the class started.

We didn't talk the entire period. Not like we could; Mr. Banner put on a movie and we took notes.

I thought during most of the class about why Edward had acted like that. I didn't understand why this wouldn't just blow over for me. Nothing seemed to be all that wrong…but something was wrong, I could tell.

As much as I wanted to, we didn't talk about it for the rest of the day. However, I was glad we didn't. We didn't need any drama between us this early.

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><p>He met me at my truck like he always did after school. The student parking lot was packed and barely anybody could get out. I thought someone parked in front of the entrance or there was a fender-bender or something. So Edward and I were stuck in the parking lot longer than I would have liked to be there.<p>

We didn't talk. We were just concerned with what had happened. It seemed to be a big deal. There were many cars around. Finally, we were able to go, but Edward didn't move. He still leaned against my truck with me.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I told him, smiling.

He returned a smile. His beautiful, million-dollar smile that I would die for and be perfectly okay with it. So maybe we were okay now. We hugged, like we always did, but the next thing I knew, his hands were tight at my waist and he was kissing me.

The kiss was slow and intense. I wanted to savor it forever.

So I kissed him back. What else could I have done? Tell him to fuck off and go get a life? No way. This moment was exciting and brilliant and…perfect. This was nothing I had ever experienced before, and it wasn't my first kiss either. Kissing games at my old school could never top this. This was absolutely perfect. I didn't want it to end.

Unfortunately, it did end, but I wasn't too unhappy. Edward Cullen had kissed me. He truly did want me. That was all that mattered.

I was so fucking weak. He had acted so weird earlier and I had forgiven him so quickly. But he had kissed me. He knew my weaknesses already. It was like we had known each other in a different life or something. He was out of this world, and I loved it. Maybe I even loved him.

I kissed him again before he left to go to his car. He seemed to have forgiven me, too.

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><p><em><strong>AN**_: _So how was it? Review please!_


	4. Love Is Wicked

_**A/N: **__Thanks for the reviews, you guys. I (still) heart you lots. And, uh, if you get uncomfortable with Edward being a bit pushy and jerk-ish, I suggest you LEAVE RIGHT NOW. This chapter is when things are going to start getting good. I've had lots of options for this chapter's song of inspiration, so I picked one of the options at random, which is...*drumroll*..."Love Is Wicked" by Brick & Lace._

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><p><em>Lyrics of inspiration:<em>

_Tears on my pillow 'cause your love is wicked_

_Cry me a river 'cause your love is wicked_

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><p><em><strong>Love Is Wicked<strong>_

**v.2**

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><p>Hiding a secret from your parents is difficult.<p>

Hiding the secret that you're dating someone from you parents is _really_ difficult.

I had been trying to avoid talking to Charlie about boys for two weeks. I was denying everything he'd ask me about boys just so I could keep my relationship with Edward secret.

It was easy to avoid this with my mother, Renee, because we sent each other emails about twice a week, but it was difficult with Charlie, because we actually lived in the same house.

Hiding the fact that I was dating Edward was killing me; Edward called a lot, Charlie seemed suspicious, and I almost slipped up twice. So after two weeks of dating Edward, I finally decided to tell Charlie.

That rainy Wednesday evening, I had made beef stroganoff. To be honest, I didn't even like the dish, but Charlie did, so it would butter him up for when I'd tell him the news.

When we finished eating, I cleared my throat. "Dad," I said, trying to approach my news easily, "I'm going out tonight."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? With who?" It sounded like he didn't even believe me. _What the hell?_

"Edward Cullen," I said, hoping it came out easily.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm not so sure. We were just going to meet up at his house. We're sort of…dating."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well—,"

"Dad, it's nothing too serious," I interrupted. "It's just sort of a casual thing. No worries."

"And if something was wrong, you'd tell me?"

I fought the need to roll my eyes. "Of course, Dad. Besides, Edward's nice. And he wants to meet you soon. Today, actually."

Charlie took a sip from his beer can. "Okay, then."

"He's picking me up tonight at around eight."

"Fine."

Charlie didn't seem to like the fact that I was dating Edward, but he wasn't against it either. Good.

I waited nervously for an hour and a half for Edward to come. Charlie watched ESPN, seeming edgy. Maybe sports were the only way he knew how to calm down.

I jumped up when I heard the doorbell and when I answered it, I immediately felt better. Edward looked handsome, of course. He wasn't smiling, but he looked just as good.

Charlie stood with Edward and me at the front door.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Swan," Edward said.

"Same to you, Edward," Charlie replied bluntly.

They firmly shook hands.

Charlie exhaled deeply, and then asked Edward, "So what are you and Bella doing tonight?"

"I was thinking we would go see a movie tonight. It starts at 8:30," Edward said politely, "which is in twenty-five minutes."

"Well, I wouldn't want you guys to be late," Charlie said reluctantly. "So have a good time."

"We will," I assured Charlie.

"Take care of Bella," Charlie called as Edward and I walked out of the house and went to the driveway. As soon as I heard the front door close, I asked Edward, "Are we really going to the movies?"

"Hell no," he replied with a mischievous smile.

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><p>Ten minutes later, we were at his house. We only sat there in his bedroom, staring at each other. It wasn't too fun, but he was so fucking sexy, so it didn't matter what we were doing.<p>

We had been silent for about three minutes when Edward broke the silence.

"So," he said.

"So what?"

"So are we gonna have sex or not?"

This took me by surprise. He had just straight out asked if we were going to have sex. He had _expected_ that we would have sex.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

"Don't tell me you haven't thought about it," he said.

"To tell you the truth, I have, Edward."

"You're lying to me," he said.

"And what makes you think I am?" I furrowed my eyebrows.

"If you _have_ already thought about it, then I would have already fucked you."

I snorted. "Yeah. Right."

He stared at me wordlessly. He seemed pretty pissed off, when he shouldn't have been.

He scoffed and looked down. He ran a hand through his bronze hair. "I thought so."

"You thought what?" I asked.

He got off the bed and stood up quickly. "I thought that you didn't love me. Guess I was right. Get out." He grabbed me forcefully by the wrist and pulled me up to my feet.

"What the fuck do you mean, _get out_?" I asked as Edward pulled me toward the door.

"Get out," he repeated.

"Edward, stop!" I said. "Fine."

"What?" he asked. He seemed just as confused as I was.

So I kissed him. What else could I have done? I didn't want to ruin what we had so far. I caught my breath, and then we sat on the bed. And he kissed me.

We were getting pretty far—Edward was starting to unbutton my shirt, and his was already off. No. No, no, no! I did not want this. I didn't want this at all.

"Edward, stop," I mumbled.

"No," he said. He only held me tighter. _Way_ tighter.

"Stop," I told him again. "Get off of me."

"I don't feel like it."

"Edward. Please." I tried to move his hands from my torso. He wouldn't budge.

"Shut the fuck up," he muttered coldly.

I felt the tears burning in my eyes. _God, help me._

This wasn't right. I hated this. I hated myself for getting me involved in this. I hated everything. Edward hated me.

I was just about to scream when I heard the door swing open. I looked at the door to see Edward's brother, Emmett, standing in the doorframe. Edward got off of me quickly. I sat up.

"Dude, get out," he told Emmett.

"Um, I see you're busy, so I'll just go away now," Emmett said, blushing.

I could feel myself blushing as well. _Oh my fucking gosh._

This. Was. _So_. Embarrassing.

Emmett walked out of the room and shut the door behind him.

Edward—who looked very hot when he was shirtless, I might add—turned to me and ran a hand through his hair.

"Why don't you take me home, Edward?" I asked.

"Look, I'm sorry that Emmett…interrupted us, but—''

"Stop, Edward. Just take me home." The tears were running hot and fast down my cheeks.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently, as if everything was perfectly fine and I was perfectly okay.

I had nearly been raped. What the fuck did he mean, _What's wrong_?

I got up and paced to the door, buttoning up my shirt.

"Just take me home," I repeated.

"Shit," he said under his breath as he put his shirt on.

That was it. A date with my new boyfriend, ruined in five minutes. I was angry with myself, I was angry with him, I was angry with everything.

We were both silent as we climbed into his silver Volvo.

We remained silent until we were in the driveway of my house, and I was about to get out.

"Wait," Edward said.

I paused. "What?"

"Why did you want to leave?" he asked, confused.

"I don't have to explain myself to you, Edward," I murmured.

His face became angry, his green eyes a bit scary. "You're a weird bitch, did you know that?" he asked. "I could fuck any girl I want in school, and there you go, throwing me away like garbage. Fuck you."

That felt like a slap in the face. The tears welled up in my eyes and boiled over in two seconds. I had ruined everything.

"Goodnight, Edward," I told him bleakly. "I love you," I added softly.

"Goodnight, Bella," he told me, his voice serious and hard and mean.

He backed his car out of the driveway very fast as soon as I got out. I wiped my tears from my face and went to the porch. The front door was unlocked. Charlie was sitting in the living room, watching ESPN again.

"What're you doing home so early?" he asked.

"We were late to the movie, so we went to dinner," I lied.

"Okay then." I was glad he didn't turn around to see me. I probably looked like a mess.

I hurried upstairs to my bedroom, got my toiletries, and retreated to the bathroom from there.

I really did look like a mess.

My dark brown hair was untidy, my dark brown eyes were moist and a little red, and I just looked horrible. I definitely _felt_ horrible. My pale skin even looked translucent.

I looked like a zombie that just smoked weed.

What an odd comparison, but it was the truth.

I showered for what seemed like a long time, tried to wash my memories of this terrible night away.

It didn't work.

Once I was clean(er) and checked my email, I saw that I had fourteen new messages.

One was from Renee…and the other thirteen were from Edward.

I read the one from Renee first. It was the only one I cared for at the moment. Edward could go burn in hell, for all I cared. Well, maybe.

_Bella, _Renee wrote.

_We haven't spoken in forever. You had me worried there for a second. Tell me how things have been. Your father told me you have a boyfriend. Tell me all about him, and I'll leave you alone._

_Mom._

Jeez. Charlie had wasted no time to tell Renee about me and Edward. Charlie needed a hobby, stat.

_Mom_, I wrote.

_Charlie already told you. Wow. Well, my boyfriend's name is Edward. He's really good-looking. I like him a lot._

_Bella._

Renee and I had never communicated very much when it came to things like boys.

I sent the email to Renee and decided not to open the ones from Edward. I wanted nothing to do with him anymore…but I still did.

It was confusing to be in a romantic relationship. I wanted to dump him, to forget we had ever met, _so bad_. But I couldn't. Maybe, just maybe, things would be patched up in only a little bit of time. I didn't want to let go of him so easily.

I pondered on this, on how I felt about Edward, for what seemed like hours that night.

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><p><em><strong>AN: **__Sooo? Review (I live off of 'em)! And again, if you felt uncomfortable about Eddiekins getting pushy, I warned ya._

_xoxo,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


	5. Speechless

_**A/N: **__Hello, beautiful people. Here I have a new chapter of _Destructive Desire_. See if you can spot the Lady Gaga song titles in this chapter. Mother Monster's music has really inspired me in this chapter. So, that's why this chapter's name is "Speechless". Gagaloo's song "Speechless" has really inspired me in this chapter. I don't have certain lyrics of inspiration this time around, mainly because the entire song inspired me. So without further ado, here is chapter five of _Destructive Desire_. Read, review, and most of all, enjoy. By the way, remember that this is an all-human story, please._

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><p><strong><em>Speechless<em>**

**v.2**

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><p>"Jessica, there's nothing else I can say. We just hung out."<p>

"Bella, I think you're lying."

_And that is why I am never telling Jessica Stanley anything ever again_, I thought.

Jess had asked about my date with Edward Wednesday night (though I did not remember telling her my plans for the evening) one day later at lunch, and she wouldn't shut her fucking mouth.

I paused and looked down at her. "Would I lie to you?" I asked.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, probably," she said.

"Then maybe you don't need to know anything else, since I'm such a liar." I told her with a straight face.

"But _why_?" she asked, still very confused.

"Because nothing happened!" I exclaimed in a voice that was a little too loud.

"Bella, you love me, right?" she asked me. She had her innocent, puppy-dog face on.

But I had my poker face on. "Of course," I lied.

"And you would only tell me the truth, right?"

"Right." Another lie. I seemed to be lying a lot more often.

"Then tell me the truth. What happened on Wednesday night with you and Edward?"

_Is it any of your fucking business? _I wanted to scream at her. _Why the fuck should YOU care?_

"Nothing," I said for the millionth time. "We went to a movie, and that was it."

"Really?" she asked.

"Yes, really." God, the girl lived off of gossip.

That seemed to convince her. She smiled, probably in pride, and walked to the table she always sat at. I finally got my food and sat at the table that I always sat at, with Edward. He was waiting for me. He pretended like everything between us was perfectly fine, even though nothing was. I was still hurt and sad and pissed. Or maybe I was overreacting. If he could get over it, then why couldn't I?

"Hi," I said to him.

"What was _that_ about?" he sneered, looking at Jessica.

"I have no idea," I told him.

We were silent for a while, so I decided to bring up something new, something trivial. "Which lunches do Alice and Emmett have?" I asked Edward.

"Emmett has first lunch, and Alice has second," he replied, bored.

"Okay," I said. I hadn't gotten to talk to either sibling much. Alice seemed nice, but she never talked to me. But at least Emmett talked to me when he saw me.

I blushed when the memory of him walking in on Edward and I came into my mind.

Edward looked at me, his piercing green eyes boring into my brown ones.

"Have you read my emails yet?" he asked me.

"No, I said honestly. " I haven't yet."

"Why not?" he asked me seriously.

"I've been busy," I lied. God, when would I stop? I lied so much, it was sickening.

"Yeah. Right," Edward scoffed.

That did it.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I asked him. "You've been acting like an entirely different person since we've started dating, and I don't like it. I think—''

"Bella, don't make such a big deal out of this. Besides. It's you're fault. Maybe if you weren't such a dumb ass that can't take a fucking clue, then I wouldn't be so pissed off and we wouldn't be in this situation."

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to hold back the tears.

I didn't say anything.

I couldn't say anything.

"And you should stay away from Jessica," he added. "She seems like she's pissing you off. We don't need you as even more of a headstrong bitch."

I bit down on the inside of my cheek harder. I could taste blood now. I was still speechless. I couldn't believe what he said to me.

Edward got up and left wordlessly. There were two minutes until the bell would ring for everyone to go to fifth period. I looked around, after he was gone, and saw that there were only two other people in the cafeteria besides me left.

That's when the tears boiled over, fast and frustrated and hot. I was a big baby. I was a loser. I had never cried so much because of a boy in all my life. I was pathetic. I was worthless. I was exactly what Edward had called me. All of those things. No wonder why he was already sick of me. Even _I_ was sick of me.

I felt like I had to throw up. This was horrible. I had ruined everything between Edward and me already. Ugh.

I was hoping that Edward would come back for me. I was hoping that he would forgive me.

He didn't.

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><p>He also did not talk to me for the rest of the day. What was with him? I would have loved to be able to go into his mind, to find out what he was thinking. I didn't have a clue. I tried to not cry every time I saw him. I had only cried once, after school. I felt bad because I was crying. I was so weak. What could I do? There was no way to let go of Edward now. He already had me in his pull, tight and strong. He was like a drug—he was pretty bad for me, but I needed him. I was already dependent.<p>

When I got home that afternoon, I went straight to my computer. I needed something to take my mind off of school and my drama with Edward. I hoped that Renee had emailed me again.

I didn't have any new emails from Renee, but I still had the thirteen unopened ones from Edward.

They were all very short. But they hurt me every single time.

Seven messages of "I'm sorry"; three messages of "I love you"; two messages of "I need you"; and one "I can't live without you."

_Oh my God_.

I couldn't respond with an email. I had to call him.

With trembling hands, I dialed Edward's number on my cell phone. He answered on the first ring.

"Would you care to explain those emails?" I asked him calmly.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I just read them," I continued, "and are you seriously that obsessive? You honestly thought I'd forgive you?"

"Why would you _not _forgive me?"

"Edward," I said sharply, "you can tell me you're sorry a million times. It doesn't change anything."

"Dammit, Bella, why are you not over this shit already?" he snapped.

"How could I get over it?" I snapped back. "You were being an asshole. To be honest, I don't think you love me at all."

"How the fuck could you deny that I don't love you?" His words were like a knife to my heart. "You don't know anything."

"I know that you don't love me," I said.

"No," he said. "You really don't. You have no idea how much I need you, Bella. I would die for you. Seriously."

Where was he getting all of this crap? "God, Edward, you're so full of it. And I hate you. You can go burn in hell. I've never met anyone as horrible as you are."

"You're really going to wish you didn't say that, Bella," he said harshly. Then the line went dead.

I stopped breathing.

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><p><em><strong>AN: **__Sooo? You know the drill. Review please! It means a lot to me. Really_

_I also wanted to give a shout-out to my friend and fellow fanfiction writer LavendaBrunette. Thank you so much for the help, girl. I owe you big-time._


	6. BrokenHearted Girl

_**A/N: **__Hello, darlings. I love all of you that have reviewed. You have no idea how much it means to me. This time, Beyonce's song "Broken-Hearted Girl" has inspired me. Yep, I love Beyonce. Lyrics of inspiration:_

_You're everything I thought you never were_  
><em>And nothing like I thought you could've been<em>  
><em>But still you live inside of me<em>  
><em>So tell me how is that?<em>

_You're the only one I wish I could forget_  
><em>The only one I'd love enough to not forgive<em>  
><em>And though you break my heart, you're the only one <em>  
><em>And though there are times when I hate you<em>  
><em>Cause I can't erase<em>  
><em>The times that you hurt me <em>  
><em>And put tears on my face<em>  
><em>And even now while I hate you<em>  
><em>It pains me to say<em>  
><em>I know I'll be there at the end of the day<em>

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><p><em>Read, review, and enjoy.<em>

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><p><em><strong>Broken-Hearted<strong>** Girl**  
><em>

**v.2**

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><p><em>I'll give him two days, <em>I thought. _Two days._

I would wait to whole days without talking to Edward again. I would wait two whole days until I'd demand an apology from him.

But I had this aching pain in my stomach that he would do something very, very bad. Could things get any worse?

Charlie came home that day to hear me cooking chicken in the kitchen.

"Hey," I called to him.

"Hello," he greeted me. I heard him sit down on his recliner in the living room.

I quickly and nervously dice the tomatoes for the side salad. I was so on edge. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, and he already had me worried about him. It was very stupid, really. Why did I keep thinking he was obsessed with me? And not only obsessed, but dependent? He already had a claim on me, and I seemed to have a claim on him. Maybe he really did need me. But what would happen to him now that I was no longer with him?

I sliced my finger a little bit with the knife on accident.

"Shit," I muttered. God, it hurt so badly. I turned around to the sink to quickly run the cut under cold water.

_Ugh, blood_, I thought.

I shouldn't have had such a problem with blood, but I did. It smelled like and rust, and the scent seemed to linger in the air forever. It even made me feel a little dizzy.

I watched the blood go down the drain.

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><p>"So," Charlie began when he finished his dinner. "How are things with you and Edward?"<p>

I looked up at him, my face probably very annoyed. "Whatever happened to staying out of my business?" I asked him.

"I'm your father, Bella. I can't really stay out of your business."

"To be honest, Dad," I said, warming up, "I don't like him anymore."

"What did he do?" Charlie demanded.

"Nothing," I said, my eyes wide. "I just don't like him anymore, that's all."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"You know there's always Mike Newton, Bella. You said he was nice, right?"

"Yeah, but I don't really like him," I said. "He's just a friend."

I could have sworn I heard Charlie mutter under his breath something about Edward being an asshole.

I didn't care.

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><p>I didn't feel very relieved that I had broken up with Edward. It felt very wrong to me, to let him go like that.<p>

_You don't need him_, I kept telling myself for the rest of that evening. _You really do not need him_.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I hated it. I hated crying all the fucking time, I hated how Edward made me feel bad so fucking much, I hated this whole situation I had put myself in.

I might not have known much about romantic relationships, but this was not how it was supposed to go. There wasn't supposed to be this much drama. I had gotten into so many arguments with Edward and we had only been dating for almost three weeks. I wished I could reverse everything. I was sick of having this broken yet aching heart. I was only seventeen. I wasn't supposed to be like this.

I felt the tears coming, but there was just…nothing. I had actually run out of tears.

I needed an escape.

If only I actually could escape reality for a while. There was sleep, of course, but that never lasted very long. Eight hours seemed like nothing. Why not eight days? Or eight weeks? Eight months didn't feel so bad either.

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><p>I woke up the next morning feeling like crap. My head hurt, my eyes were wet, and my hair was knotted and tangled.<p>

Great. Just great.

Friday was supposed to be the best day of the week. Where was the happiness, the excitement, or the fun?

Edward wasn't at school that day. I got sick to my stomach. I was frightened for him. Something was definitely off. I mean, things were already off, but I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was definitely wrong with Edward.

I sat with Jessica, Angela, Eric, Mike, Tyler, and Lauren at lunch that day. I didn't eat though. Food didn't seem to appealing.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Lauren asked me. I had never liked Lauren Mallory, and she had never liked me. She was obviously too stuck-up to be my friend.

"Nothing, Lauren," I said. _Like you need to know anything_.

She rolled her eyes like I wasn't even there.

Conversations continued and I wondered why my friends—well, except for Lauren—had it all so easy while _I_ didn't. It made me sick how someone as annoying as Jessica had it so much easier than I did.

God, I was being such a bitch.

The rest of the school day passed by in a blur. Nothing exciting happened and nobody spoke to me. I almost preferred things that way. _Almost_.

* * *

><p>It was at ten o'clock that night when I got a call on my cell phone from Edward. I had been trying to sleep, but I could never just sink into unconsciousness.<p>

I didn't want to answer the call at all, but I had to.

"Hello?"

"Bella," Edward said softly. "I need to talk to you."

I sat up in my bed. "I'm all ears," I told him.

"No." He paused. "I need to talk to you in person. Get to my house as soon as possible."

"Edward, it's late," I stated. "What's wrong?"

"Please just get over here. Hurry." He hung up.

It didn't take me long to think about it. I was going.

I tried to be very quiet as I got dressed and left the house. Surprisingly, Charlie didn't catch me.

My truck made tons of noise as I started it up and pulled it out of the driveway though.

_Things must be bad_, I thought.

The truck couldn't go that fast, but I drove at a speed that was nearly to its limit. Edward needed me.

I parked in the long driveway of his large house and walked quickly to the front door.

I knocked hard on the wooden door.

All of a sudden, Edward swung the door open, and I almost punched him in the face.

He looked really bad. His eyes were red, his expression was grave, and he looked exceptionally pale.

Tears filled my eyes.

He took me into his arms and hugged me tightly. He didn't smell the same; he smelled like alcohol now and something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"I've missed you," he whispered.

I was sobbing now. Tears just spilled completely from my eyes. I couldn't say anything. I could only cry.

"Don't cry," he told me softly. "Let's go up to my room. I want to talk to you."

I nodded and started wiping the tears from my face.

He took my hand and led me upstairs to his bedroom. When we were there, he shut the door softly.

"Is anyone home?" I asked him.

"No," he said. "Esme's at work, Emmett's at a party, and Alice is at a movie with a friend. Alice and Esme will be home soon."

"Oh."

I sat down on his bed. I hoped we wouldn't be having a repeat of Wednesday night.

This was all getting to be a bit too much for me. I wanted to rewind time.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," I told him. "I shouldn't have been such a bitch. I…I was crazy. And you don't deserve that."

He was silent.

"I'm so sorry," I said again.

"So am I," he told me.

"Do you just want to put this behind us?" I asked him.

He nodded. Then he sat down on the bed next to me. He pulled me into his arms.

"You have no idea how much I need you, Bella," he murmured in my ear. "You're the only thing that's keeping me together."

"What?" I asked. That couldn't be true. He had to have more than just me.

"Family stuff," he said curtly.

"Oh."

His parents' divorce had really taken a toll on Edward. He had told me that he was only thirteen at the time, and that he thought it was his entire fault. He wasn't as smart as Rosalie; he wasn't as talented as Jasper or Alice; and he wasn't as popular as Emmett. I wonder what was wrong in his family now.

As much as I loved Edward, I hated hearing about his misery as a child. It made me feel like I had to try extra hard to make him happy, which was hard enough without the stories.

I looked at his clock. It was 10:16. "I think I should go," I told him.

"No, stay," he insisted. "For me?"

I sighed. "Of course."

After some silence, I asked him, "So what do you want to do now?"

He seemed to consider this for a while. "I'm not that sure. I just want to be with you."

I didn't regret being with Edward in the kitchen, drinking white wine. Esme had loads of it around. Edward said Esme wouldn't even notice some of it was gone.

We had taken our little drinking party upstairs—quickly—when we heard the garage door opening and Esme's car pulling into the garage.

Edward told me to keep quiet.

I heard Esme walking up the stairs (I was surprised she didn't say anything about my truck in the driveway), and when I heard a door shut, I knew Edward and I wouldn't be caught. Esme was probably tired and it was nearly 10:30pm anyway.

I didn't have a worry in the world as I slowly but surely got drunk with Edward. He whispered things into my ear that made me giggle as my world started spinning very slowly. I was sick of being sad. This would ease the pain, even just for a little bit.

Man, Edward and I had some issues. We really had a screwed up thing going for us. Meet, date, almost fuck, break up, get back together, and get drunk.

I had never had a stress-free time with him. This felt like a dream.

I wasn't a total mess by the time Edward had lifted me to his feet and started slow-dancing with me. "Dance with me."

I didn't have to reply.

The dance wasn't perfect; no music was playing, and we kept drifting awkwardly, causing us to laugh a little.

I liked this tipsy dance. It was out of place, but it was nice in all the right ways.

I loved the way Edward held me. I felt tight and secure and nice with his arms around my waist tightly.

I felt like I was _his_. Like I was Edward's and Edward's only. And I was perfectly fine with that. I didn't want anyone else, and I wouldn't ever want anyone else. Edward was all I needed.

"Stay with me forever," I whispered. "Don't leave me."

"I won't," he whispered back. "I promise."

His hands moved from my waist, and our fingers intertwined.

I stood on my tip-toes to kiss him. I closed my eyes.

This kiss didn't hold any remorse. It was a long kiss that was slow, yet building.

He kissed me back sweetly. His mouth tasted like wine, but I didn't care. Mine did too, so who was I to say anything?

I smiled when he was done kissing me and opened my eyes. "I love you."

"I know you do." He smiled back at me.

We continued to do out tipsy dance to silence and then he tried to turn me. It didn't turn out too well. I laughed as we fell on his bed.

I kissed him again as I lay on his torso, his hands on my waist again. I loved to kiss him so effortlessly. I didn't feel like I owed him anything this time. He pulled me closer to him as he kissed me back.

"God, I love you," he muttered, shifting so that I was under him.

We kissed for what seemed like forever when he removed his shirt.

It was refreshing to see his perfect body again.

How could I _not_ miss any of this? I felt stupid for breaking up with him now. Thank God I was with him again.

But then I thought about going home. My thoughts seemed to go pretty sluggishly. How many drinks had I drunk? Four? Five? Maybe seven? I had lost count.

Edward kissed me all over my body. His drunk kisses were a little sloppy, but I didn't mind. I just wanted him with me.

He removed my shirt with ease, quicker than he had removed his.

_Why am I not stopping him?_

Things were a bit confusing. _Would really do this now? Oh God._

"Don't," I mumbled.

He kissed my neck. "Don't you want to, Bella?" he asked me between kisses.

"No. Not now."

He looked up at me. "Don't be like that," he said.

"I think I should go home," I said. My world was spinning a little bit.

"Bella, you can't drive home. You're drunk," he pointed out.

"Fine," I said, unclear. "I'll stay over tonight."

Edward kissed me again. He kissed me a lot more now. This was even more intense. He had started unzipping his jeans when I put a hand to his chest to try to stop him. My pants were already off. _Oh no_.

"Edward, just let me sleep." My words ran together.

"Everything was just perfect, though," he said.

I would have said something, but I was already drifting into unconsciousness.

"I love you, Edward" was the last thing I remembered saying.

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><p>I woke up the next morning wrapped in Edward's arms, in his bed. My head was pounding really hard though.<p>

I was pretty sure I was awake first, but I couldn't tell, since I wasn't facing Edward.

I was still in my bra and panties, from last night, and I could feel Edward jeans behind me. At least we didn't do anything further than kissing last night.

I stretched a little bit, and then I heard Edward say, "Good morning" to me.

I turned to face him. I smiled. "Hi."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. My head hurts like a motherfucker…We didn't do anything last night, right?"

"Right."

"Do you know what time it is?"

"It's about six."

Wow, I had wakened early.

Edward opened his mouth to say something, but then there was a knock on the door.

He got up, and I covered myself in the blanket.

He opened the door and I saw Alice standing right across from him. She looked tired and annoyed.

Then she looked at me. I looked down, embarrassed.

"What do you want, Alice?" Edward snapped.

"Well, I was just going to tell you that someone called, but I didn't know that you had a visitor."

"Leave, Alice."

"You're really going to be in trouble, Edward," she said. "Mom's going to be pissed."

"Now, why would _I _be in trouble?"

"There's a naked girl in your bed!"

"You can't tell Esme."

She cocked her head to the side and smirked. "And why not?"

"You're so annoying," he scoffed.

"It's my job," she said in her high, thin voice. "Now what do I get for not telling?"

"I don't know. What, do you want a ride to a friend's or something?"

"Not one. Ten."

He sighed. "Fine. Just cover it up for me. Tell Mom that Bella hung out with you or something, okay?"

"Okay. But don't forget your end of the deal."

"I won't."

Alice left and Edward closed the door.

"Sorry," he said.

"Don't be sorry," I told him. "It's what fifteen-year-old sisters do." I smiled.

"Hey, why don't you get dressed?" he asked me. "I think you should go home soon."

"I should," I agreed.

After showering and feeling a lot fresher than before, I drove home. I was pretty content, until I remembered Charlie.

"Oh shit," I groaned.

Charlie was _pissed_ when I came home. It wasn't even funny. He talked to me angrily and told me I was grounded (he didn't mention how long), but I just took it all. He asked where the hell had I been, and I told him that I had spent the night at Jessica's. It was a lot less conspicuous than to tell him I was at Alice's, since Alice and Edward lived together.

I tiredly went up to my room, where I pretty much collapsed onto my bed.

_Wow._

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><p><em><strong>AN:**__ Sooo? How was it? Review please!_

_xoxo,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


	7. Criminal

_**A/N: **__Hello, my dears. I know I haven't updated this story in forever, and I've been busy, but _Destructive Desire _is back! I'm excited, and I hope you are too. This chapter has been inspired by Britney Spears' hit "Criminal." I remember first listening to the song, and thinking, _Wow, this would be great for my fanfic! _I'm excited to share this. Like, really excited. So read, enjoy, and review._

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> _I don't own these characters. I just make them more interesting. Also, if you get queasy over Edward being the bad guy, I suggest you bounce right now. He ain't changing, guys._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Crimi<strong>__**nal**_

**v.2**

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><p><em>Dear Mom,<em>

_I have so much to tell you. You know Edward? I think I'm in love with that boy. I also think he loves me back._

_Edward tells me I'm beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the world...Well, he tells me that when I wear the skimpy outfits he wants me to. He tells me he loves me when I do what he says. I've done some pretty bad things with Edward (more than you could imagine), but I'm still technically a virgin, I promise. That should count for something._

_Edward takes me shopping and out to dinner. He still tells me what to wear and what I should eat (since I seem to be becoming a fat-ass [his words, not mine]), but he always tells me he loves me, in the end. I know he does._

_Sometimes Edward makes jokes. He'll call me names, like "fat-ass" or "slut" (and "stupid" seems to be my primary nickname) but then he claims to be joking. Sometimes I don't believe him, though._

_I know what you're thinking: I'm a total idiot for being with the kind of boy that you told me to stay away from. I know I'm not thinking with my head. But there's something about Edward...something that keeps me coming back. It's not the sex, I promise (still technically a virgin, remember?). It's just...I don't know. There's something about Edward that I cannot deny. I promise, I'll be okay. Trust me. You never have before. Now is your time._

* * *

><p>I wished so bad that I could write this, that I could pour my heart out to my mother in an email like this, but I couldn't. Edward had told me countless times to not tell anyone - not my mother, my father, or my friends - about what I had been through with him and what was currently happening. This was the truth, though. Edward controlled me. He controlled everything I did, everything I wore, everything I ate, everyone I spoke to...nothing was mine anymore. I only felt like half a human being.<p>

Besides, another reason why I couldn't send this email was because Edward had the password to my email, as well as other websites. He'd told me that this was just what real couples did. He wanted to be as real as can be, when in reality, everything between us was a fake. No one but us ever saw what happened or what was said behind closed doors. Edward would tear me apart if I ever told anyone. Well, he hadn't hit me yet. I knew he was stronger than that.

School came and went. Everyone that I was friends with before my life was about Edward had left me, but I didn't care. My grades dropped a little, but I didn't care about that either. My grades were okay. Charlie was less than pleased, but there wasn't anything he could do. I had been grounded for a month, and I always broke curfew. There was nothing he could do or say to change me.

So by the fourth of July, he didn't really care that I brought Edward to La Push. As long as Edward respected me (as much as he could in public, anyway), Charlie wouldn't care.

Edward was always at my side as we hung out on the beach with Charlie, his best friend Billy, Billy's son Jacob, and Jacob's friends. Edward told me that I shouldn't meet Jacob's friends, but I did say hi to Jacob...for a little bit, until Edward pulled me away. I didn't feel like Edward's girlfriend anymore; I felt like a sex object that just stood by his side to make him look like he had a life and wasn't the worthless piece of shit that he really was. Also, the ensemble of teeny tiny cutoff shorts and a revealing tank top didn't make me feel better. I could have sworn that Charlie regretted letting me leave the house.

I wasn't the same Bella anymore. I didn't know _who_ I was anymore. I was the witness of a criminal, and I couldn't get out. I'd thought about breaking up with Edward - and I still did now, as I sat on the beach, wrapped in his protective arms - many times. I'd tried to end our relationship about three times now, but Edward never went through with it. What we had just didn't feel right.

When I took a walk down the beach with Edward later that day, I got the nerve to try to break up with him again.

He held my hand tightly as I stared down into the sand and rocks. "Edward, I don't know how to say this," I told him, "but I want to break up."

His jaw was clenched tightly when I looked up at him. "Why?" he asked.

I sighed. "Do I have to keep telling you? This just doesn't feel right. I don't think you love me."

"You know you should never deny your love for me."

"I do know that."

"Then don't even try."

I bit the inside of my cheek and let go of his hand. He took my hand back. "I don't want to date you anymore," I said.

"So you don't love me."

"I love you, but -"

"But what?"

"I can't do this anymore. I've had enough with you."

He flared his nostrils. "What are you doing?" he exploded. "I take you out, I buy you clothes, I do everything for you! And this is how you repay me? By betraying me?"

"Edward, stop -"

"No, _you_ stop, stupid!"

"Don't call me stupid!" I yelled.

All of a sudden, everything got really quiet.

"I have no idea why I deal with you," Edward told me.

Everything seemed to be in slow motion as Edward pulled his right fist back and punched me in the cheek. It hurt - _so bad_. I thought something had cracked.

I went to my knees on the ground and held my cheek. Right there, I didn't cry a lot. I had learned not to cry at the things that Edward did and said to me. Crying wouldn't make me stronger. But this time, a single tear ran down my face. Edward bent down next to me and held my face. He looked at it and kissed me on the cheek that had been hit. "You're okay," he kept saying. "You're okay...Don't tell anyone, okay? You're fine. Just a little red." When I didn't say anything, he looked at me in the eyes. "You're okay, right?"

I nodded, but I really wasn't okay. Nothing was okay.

That was the first time that Edward Cullen hit me.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **__Well...that was interesting, wasn't it? I know I didn't use a lot of dialogue, but there was a lot from Bella's perspective that I wanted to tell, since a few months passes since the time of the last chapter, which takes place in February 2009. Anyway, please review! I really love getting feedback, and I appreciate those that have reviewed previous chapters._

_xoxo, MTL_


	8. Criminal, Part 2

_**A/N: **Daaaaaaahlings, I'm back! Well, I was never gone, but this fanfic is back. You may or may not be excited, but I am! I've been so busy with another fanfic, the prequel to this one that goes by the name of Blur, and other real life stuff. Aaaah, I can't wait for summer. It doesn't feel like summer here, but the summer will give me the time to return to my writing. I've started so many things and I have to finish them. Okay, I'm babbling now. Because I was so uninspired and brain-dead, I decided to name this chapter "Criminal, Part 2." I know, I'm unoriginal, don't mention it. Enjoy! _

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><p><em><strong>Criminal, Part 2<strong>_

* * *

><p>Edward Cullen had problems.<p>

Edward Cullen had a lot of problems.

He drank, he smoked, he lied, he was unreliable, he cursed like a sailor, adults didn't like him, even people our age didn't like him, and, behind closed doors, he treated me like shit. It was always behind closed doors with him.

He was wise, though. Of course, he didn't want people knowing how he treated me. As much as adults didn't like him, he looked like the perfect boyfriend for me. He was quiet, but never disrespectful in the presence of others. Edward was very wise. He was bad, and had the most tainted heart, but he was wise.

And there were more problems. Edward never ran out of problems to have.

His treatment of me had gotten slowly and surely worse. He hit me when I talked back or disappointed him. I wondered why he hadn't killed me yet - I was always a disappointment. I never got anything right. I used to be a pyramid. Now, with Edward, I was just a grain of sand.

Edward was still wise, though. He made sure to hit me in areas that I could cover up. Edward was very careful in that way.

Edward was also crazy.

No, he did not look crazy from the outside. He wouldn't stand a chance. But I definitely knew that something was...off about him when one night at his house, he showed me a brand-new tattoo of his, on his arm. I normally wouldn't have cared if he got a tattoo. He would have gotten one sooner or later, anyway.

I just didn't expect him to get _my name_ tattooed right there on his forearm.

"Holy fuck!" I exclaimed when I saw it. We were lying on his bed, watching TV, and during the commercial he'd said that he wanted to show me something.

"Cool, huh?" he asked, a wide smile on his face.

"_Cool_? More like _insane!_ What made you want to do that? And why _my_ name?" Black, swirly letters with thorns intertwined through them spelled out the name _Bella_, and there they were, on Edward's forearm. It was a really fucking huge tattoo.

"You're my girlfriend, stupid," he said. "Why not?"

I rolled my eyes. "Crazy," I muttered.

"And you love me, nevertheless," Edward added.

I couldn't disagree. Aside from all of his problems, I still somewhat loved the guy.

Edward leaned over and kissed me hard on the mouth. Rude, as always. He never asked, never told me beforehand. It wasn't romantic, nice, or at all appealing; it was controlling, possessive, and a pain in my ass.

When he was done, I tried my best not to scowl. He didn't like it when I scowled. He said I looked ugly when I did.

"I still think we should fuck already, though," he added.

"And I still think we shouldn't," I mumbled.

"We've known each other for seven months now, Bella. Don't be a bitch."

"I really don't want to."

Edward sighed deeply. "You're such a fucking hypocrite, Bella." I couldn't face him. I just looked past him, at his wall of books and music. He took my chin in his hand and twisted it so I could face him. I didn't fight him. Fighting wouldn't do any good for me. I had enough bruises, anyway. "Look at me, dammit!" Edward said sharply. "We've done everything _but_ fucked each other already. _Everything_. I can name five different times where you've sucked my dick."

_But that's different_, I wanted to say. _That's not really sex._

I really wanted to spit in his face. Hell, I wanted to kill him. I'd told him countless times to not put his hands on me, and, of course, he did, anyway.

"Come on, Bella," he said. "Why not?" His celery green eyes were like lasers into my brown eyes.

I'd been avoiding sex for so damn long because back in Phoenix, I'd been close to it with somebody, and then shit had happened. It was really, really horrible shit that I didn't want to revisit. I just could not do it. Especially with Edward. Besides, I gave enough head. Wouldn't that please him?

"How about closer to your birthday?" I suggested. Edward then let me go, and I still had the feeling of his hand on my face.

"Really? A month? That's too long," he complained.

"That's my last offer," I said. God, I was being bold. I was really pushing it today, I just knew it.

"September's too far away," he continued to complain.

"You'll make it, Edward. I promise. Can't you wait?"

"I could try to wait," he said. "But then again..." A sly smile appeared on his face. "I could always _force_ you to fuck me."

This time I wasn't pissed. He always said crazy shit like this. I felt more lifeless. There was no way I could win with Edward. Ever. But I wasn't going to surrender. He would be fine until next month.

Edward Cullen had so many problems that he didn't know what to do with himself.

* * *

><p>There were certain things that I did with Edward that made me feel bad, and other things that didn't. I considered this as I did what I did every other day with Edward. Hair up, clothes off, knees to the ground. Same as usual. Nothing was on. Not even the radio, and we almost always did this with the radio on. Didn't he know that I didn't believe in the popular saying, <em>Change is good<em>?

Doing this didn't make me feel too bad, but it didn't make me feel too well, either. It made me feel cheap and controlled. But wasn't that what I was? As hard as it was to accept it, this was my life now. There was no going back. I had once again lost all of my self respect. I faintly remembered last year, when I had been just like this. Jesus. It was happening again. If only the death of somebody could stop me now. If only there was anything to care about to make me feel ashamed of myself.

Edward and I were both so fucked up.

* * *

><p>"You should stay the night," Edward said as I faced away from him. I stood in his bathroom, brushing my teeth after we finished, wearing nothing but my underwear. I felt more naked than ever. I wondered how it felt for Edward to see all those bruises on me. Maybe he was being more sick and twisted than ever, sitting back and admiring his work.<p>

"And then get grounded again?" I asked. "Why would I do that?"

"Because I want you to."

_Because I want you to._ Of course.

I finished brushing my teeth and turned to face Edward, who was lying on his bed, staring up at me. "I don't wanna get in trouble," I said as I approached him and then sat down next to him.

"You won't," he said. "And if you do, then fuck it. I'll talk to your dad."

"Like Charlie won't shoot you," I said, shaking my head. "Right."

Edward punched me on the arm, right where a bruise was starting to heal. The punch didn't hurt too much, but it would certainly cause the bruise to not heal so soon. "Come on, Bella. It's worth a shot. Stay with me. I'll buy you clothes. I'll buy you jewelery. I'll buy you the whole _world_ if I have to."

Wow. What devotion. I decided to be somewhat brave and look at him in the eyes. Then I shook my head. "No."

Edward sighed. "This is my last offer, Bella."

I looked down at his clenched fist, and bit my lip. "No."

Right then and there, he beat me. Again.

He called me names, too, of course. He wouldn't have been Edward if he didn't.

How could I have ever called him an angel? I had been so stupid. A complete, oblivious idiot.

My angel was long gone and would never come back.

* * *

><p>I did end up staying over for the night. Edward and I didn't do more than what we usually did. Drink, blow, sleep. Next morning: rinse and repeat.<p>

When he took me home, I walked into the house with Charlie there waiting for me. His face was red. God, he was angry.

Grounded. Of course.

The actual, verbal grounding would take place later, though. Charlie wanted to talk to Edward. Splendid.

"Chief Swan," Edward said smoothly, as if he'd done nothing wrong, "I am sorry for getting Bella back home late. She was just hanging out with my sister, Alice, and completely lost track of time, so -"

Charlie wouldn't let him finish. "I don't fucking care if she lost track of time!" he exploded. "You just brought my daughter home late for the eleventh time, you bastard. I don't give a fuck if she hangs out with your sister. You've been nothing but trouble and excuses. She is NOT going to date you anymore. Next thing you know, she'll be pregnant. And if you get her pregnant I'll kick your fucking ass."

Edward's face was hard and pale. "Are you done yet?"

"No, one last thing," Charlie said. "Get the fuck out of our lives or I'll arrest you."

Edward gave me one long look, like he was waiting for me to say something in his defense. I remained silent.

Edward got in his Volvo and sped away.

I followed Charlie into the house and he said he wanted to talk to me. I sat down on the couch and he plopped into his recliner, his face still red.

"What do you see in that boy?" he asked me.

I looked down at my lap. I couldn't look at him in the eyes. "I don't know," I said.

"I don't want you to be with him, Bells," he said.

"I can see that."

He ignored the attitude I gave him. "I want you to be happy, Bells, but I don't think he's the solution. Does he make you happy?"

"Yes." It was a lie, of course.

"Well, you shouldn't see him anymore."

"You can't just do that, Dad."

"I'm your father. I can do that."

"Well, that's bullshit because we have the rest of the summer to be together, anyway."

By that point, Charlie's face was purple.

"Go to your room," he told me. "You're grounded."

Silently, I went up to my room.

I carefully sat on my bed. I should have been happy. I should have been ecstatic. Charlie had done the breaking up for me. But from the soles of my feet and up, I had a feeling that this wasn't over. I had a feeling that Edward would be even more pissed off.

There was no fucking way that this would be over any time soon.

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><p><em><strong>AN: **Yeah, Bella, like, JUST realized that Edward's bad. Lol, she's a dummy... Anyway, I know that chapter was sort of lukewarm. Things will get good soon. Now, click that review button and gimme your feedback. I love you all._

_MusicTwilightLove_


	9. Monster

_**A/N: **I had to make a bet with myself that this would be better. I wasn't happy with the last chapter so I had to make this one pretty damned good. I really, really hope it is for you guys. I really, REALLY hope it makes up for the hot, steaming plate of nothing that was the last chapter. Also, thanks to those that have been reviewing, both the fabulous chicas that have been here from the beginning and also the rookies that just started reading this crazy fanfic. Love you guys! Also, this chapter was named "Monster" because I was inspired by the Lady Gaga song "Monster." Edward is a monster in disguise, and he ate Bella's heart and brain. Ah snap. Okay, now here goes!_

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><p><em><strong>Monster<strong>_

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><p>Staying out of trouble, telling the truth, and being a good girl were all just things of the past now.<p>

I wasn't even going the right way back in Phoenix, but that was something that I liked to keep to myself. Edward would never find out about that. I'd take it to the grave.

Edward was so bad for me. Maybe there was something about me that was into bad boys. It couldn't have been passed down or anything - my mother used to be married to a police officer, after all.

And speaking of that same police officer, I was pretty sure he was going to turn me in, or he was at least deeply considering it.

Charlie knew that I was going out. He was pissed about it every single day. I wonder if he would have preferred me going out and fucking around with random boys rather than just being with Edward. He probably did.

Luckily, Charlie - let alone anybody else - didn't know about what happened between Edward and I behind closed doors. It was such a dark environment with Edward. It was incredibly sad how things used to be sort of fun. Things between us were never perfect, but we used to be nicer to each other. We used to have fun with each other. Then summer had come and everything had turned to shit. It was September now, and school was back in session, but things were still the same.

Everything was so secretive between Edward and I. _Everything._

I was in a toxic relationship with a monster that went by the name of Edward, and I couldn't get out.

The night before his birthday, we hung out at my house. We alternated between houses. One night, he'd sneak into mine; the next, I'd sneak into his.

As we kissed, it didn't hold any meaning. Our kisses used to mean something, and now they didn't. There didn't seem to be any passion or love in our relationship anymore. We were just... together.

I pulled away in the middle of one of our kisses and asked him if he loved me.

"Of course," he said. Then he kissed me again. I'd thought that kisses were signs of affection, but Edward was anything but affectionate towards me, so I wasn't sure what that meant to him.

I stopped him again. "I'm serious," I said. "Do you really love me?"

"I really do."

"Why?"

"Well, with you questioning me, I start to not believe it, too."

"No, really, Edward. Please, be honest with me."

"Am I ever _not_ honest?"

I nodded. "Please."

"Well, I do love you. I don't know why, though." He couldn't even look at me in the eyes. He was lying, of course. Nearly everything about our relationship was a lie.

"...Thanks," I said.

I didn't believe him.

* * *

><p>After a few days of him being gone for his birthday, he came back from visiting his father, sister, and brother in a crappier mood than ever.<p>

"You okay?" I asked him the night he was back.

"No," he said sternly.

"What happened?" I was trying to be compassionate, or at least fake it.

"I barely saw Rosalie and Jasper, and my dad fucking hates me."

My brow furrowed. "What makes you think that he hates you?"

"He ignores me. All he does is buy me shit." Hmph. Like father, like son.

"Aw, baby, I'm sorry."

"I know you are."

Even though he was an asshole, I did feel bad for him sometimes. His family was split in two, one part with him in Forks and the other part in all the way across the country, in New Hampshire. He used to be close with his siblings. It must have really hurt to be split from two of them. I was an only child, though - I would never understand as much as I wanted to.

Not like I really wanted to.

* * *

><p>Edward got a little better over the time between when he came back and my birthday. My birthday was on a Sunday so I didn't have to celebrate it at school, thank God. I did receive text messages from ex-friends like Jessica Stanley throughout the day, though.<p>

If there was anything that Edward knew how to do right, he knew how to pretend to care about me, and he knew how to spoil me. He didn't listen, but he acting like he did. He was at my side all day. He didn't hit me once, which I enjoyed since a lot of my major bruises were fading away. He'd bought me roses, chocolates, and jewellery. He'd even bought me a dress, and he watched as I got dressed in it at my house that night.

Edward really liked to watch me get ready for him. Tonight wasn't the first time. I saw him in my full-length mirror as he drank the wine he'd gotten for us. I'd discovered plenty of habits of his of his over the last few months, and I still didn't like them. He smoked and drank at any chance he got. I hated what alcohol did to him. He always got disgusting, stupid, and grabby when he drank. I'd seen him shoot up on heroin before, too, but I never talked to him about that.

It took me a while to get ready for him. I wanted to be perfect, or as close as it got. I put on perfume and strongly scented lotion. I curled my hair into waves. I took more than enough time with my makeup. God, I was returning to some of my old ways. I was crazy, but not sorry. Being sorry was a waste of time.

When I was done, I returned to Edward, who lied on my bed, and straddled him. He told me I looked like heaven. I smiled and took the bottle of wine from his hand and took a swig of it. I really missed this. I missed the little happiness that Edward and I used to have. It was back now, I thought.

Then I bent down and kissed him. It was a good kiss. I didn't owe him anything. I _wanted_ to kiss him. It was strange, because I hadn't had this feeling in a while, but I enjoyed it.

If there was one thing that I was positive about Edward Cullen, it was that there was never enough for him. He had no limits. He kissed me back, more intense. I kept my hands at his chest but he moved them, and as I lied down under him, he let my hands go. His hands started at my hair, twisting it around, and moved all down my body, going everywhere.

The weight of Edward on top of me was nothing new. His temperature was familiar. The things I did weren't the same this time, though. I didn't stop him this time. We went further, and further, and further. He later asked me if wanted to have sex. He was being pretty damn polite tonight.

"Okay," I whispered.

* * *

><p>My mind danced on a few conundrums as the digital clock in my bedroom slowly went from 11:58 to 12:06. No minutes felt shorter or longer than the others. They were the same: legato, mezzo-piano, no differences in the phrases...<p>

The things I were thinking about as the clock lolled slowly were quite silly; what was happening, was happening. However, I couldn't get over the little voice in the back of my mind telling me that this was all wrong. What happened to ever using a condom? What if Charlie heard us? Why couldn't this be more romantic? Was I really ready? The questions later became completely irrelevant because I had stopped caring. I was too heartbroken to care.

Edward Cullen wasn't the one for me, and it pained me to realize that this was happening again. It wasn't fair.

When we were finally finished, Edward continued to kiss me. And as he did, I realized that there were major differences between such things that seemed so alike from the outside.

There's a difference between being alive and living.

There's a difference between loving and being in love.

There's a difference between having sex and making love.

There's a difference between thinking with your heart and thinking with your brain.

There's a fine line between feeling more for someone after sex, feeling less for them, and not feeling anything at all.

I felt nothing at all.

* * *

><p>Edward didn't stay with me for much longer after we were finished. It was late, he'd said, and he had to go. He kissed me on the forehead once, climbed out my window, and left. I sat on my bed, wrapped in my blanket and feeling vulnerable, watching him drive away.<p>

* * *

><p>Edward didn't go to school the next day. Hell, he didn't even text me.<p>

I was too numb to feel pissed. Edward had eaten my heart and then my brain. What did I even have left? I felt totally lifeless. I felt used and cheated and lightheaded. I didn't look too hot, either. I'd gotten so skinny over the summer. I had no figure now, and it was almost pissing me off.

When I came home from school that day, I saw Edward sitting on my doorstep as I drove my truck to my driveway. His Volvo was parked right next to where I usually parked my truck.

"Ugh," I groaned.

I took my time parking and turning off the car, and then I got out and faced Edward. "Where were you today?" I asked.

"At home, packing," he said bleakly. He didn't say anything about being sorry. That was Edward, alright. Number one never-apologetic douchebag.

"For what?"

"New Hampshire. I'm moving."

"When?"

"Tonight."

My breathing stopped. "Why?" My question came out as a whisper, easy to hear over the sprinkling rain.

"My mother hates me and wants me to go live with my dad. He thought it was a great idea." The bitterness was pretty much pooling around Edward's ankles now.

"Edward, I need you." And in a way, I really did. I wasn't afraid to say that I would die without him. As disgusting as he was, I had this desire for him that would never end. It was grotesque and destructive and all sorts of bad, but the desire was there and it would never go away. He was a thief, but who else was going to put up with me? Who else was going to lock me up and punish me when I was bad?

"I know, but I need to leave," he said. He then took a cigarette and lighter from his shirt pocket. As he lit the cigarette that he hung from his mouth, I wanted to take it and throw it on the ground. Edward really liked to blur the lines between the real and the fake. Didn't he understand how much I needed him? Didn't he know who he was dealing with? I didn't love him, really, but being with him was better than being lonely. I'd experienced extreme loneliness before and I didn't want to go back.

Edward stood up and gave me a quick hug. Right there, I knew my world was crashing down. He didn't bother kissing me one last time - he was too obsessed with his cigarette for that. He got into his car and drove away.

I had seen him leave me more than enough times to count.

He wouldn't be back this time, though.

_Fuck Edward, fuck me, fuck my life, fuck it all._

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><p><strong><em>AN:_**_Was that better? I hope it was! I love those that read, and ya know, reviewing would be even better. Don't be lazy. Feedback is the best thing a writer can receive from their audience._

_MusicTwilightLove, out  
><em>


	10. Born To Lose

_**A/N: **Hey, guys! I'm back with another chapter! I've been haulin' ass trying to get these chapters in on time. I realized that I tend to post chapters consistently, take a HUGE break, then return, rinse, and repeat. That's bad. Now, I've made another goal to be consistent with Destructive Desire. The school year is coming to a close very soon, so I'm trying to be as consistent as possible with this story, since it is a very long one. At least 1-2 chapters a week now, unless something crazy happens. I know, I am the queen of goals for myself. I just like to improve, and make my readers happy. It feels nice to have people read and enjoy what I write. I thought I'd have to turn to writing Twilight threesomes and foursomes, just to get people to read. Guess not. Love you guys! This chapter was inspired by "Born To Lose" by Sleigh Bells. Lyrics (since they are oh-so inspiring):_

_Heard you say suicide in your sleep_  
><em> Just get on with it, you were born to lose<em>  
><em> Will you hang like the moon from a rope in your room<em>  
><em> Oh you long for it, you were born to lose<em>

_ Where did you go?_  
><em> (All I know)<em>  
><em> Where did you go?<em>  
><em> (You can't choose)<em>  
><em> Where did you go?<em>  
><em> (Here I go. Born to lose.)<em>

_ Took a shot to the head in the back near the crib_  
><em> Such a legend now, you were born to lose<em>  
><em> Cause I know that the pain keeps you close to the flame<em>  
><em> You know everything, you were born to lose<em>

_ Where did you go?_  
><em> (All I know)<em>  
><em> Where did you go?<em>  
><em> (You can't choose)<em>  
><em> Where did you go?<em>  
><em>(Here I go. Born to lose.) <em>

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><p><em><strong>AN continued: **__Optimistic as hell, right? I know, they're so awesome. Perfect for this chapter. Enjoy, guys!_

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><p><em><strong>Born To Lose<strong>_

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><p>I must have been worse than I'd thought.<p>

I was feeling crappy, but I didn't think I was crappy enough for my father to notice and make me see a counselor. Apparently, I wasn't messed up enough to get a professional shrink, so I ended having to go to the school shrink during my lunch period every Wednesday.

I didn't hate Miss Barry. I really didn't. Well, at least not after a while. I just didn't trust her counseling skills, since nobody ever wanted her help. Also, she was brand-new, fresh from sunny San Diego, where she could have been, where I could see her modeling or doing something good with her life, rather than attempting to counsel fucked up kids in a high school in Forks, Washington.

I even felt bad for Miss Barry. I felt bad because she had to deal with me ever Wednesday afternoon.

In the beginning, I really did hate her.

I hated how pretty she was. I hated how she did absolutely nothing with her prettiness. Society liked pretty people to absorb and take into their catalyst circle. Pretty, young people had it easiest. I'd been there. Miss Barry was pretty, blonde, and fresh out of college. She could do a trillion different things, but here she was, counseling at a high school.

I hated that she was throwing all her choices away. I'd had enough experience with having everything and making just one decision that ruined it all. And here Miss Barry was, at least four years older than me, doing the same thing. Miss Barry annoyed me more than anything.

I was also jealous of her. Her life couldn't have been perfect - she was a counselor, and counselors had to have _something _wrong with their lives. It made them seem genuine. Believable. Easy to talk to. Whatever life she had and however she grew up, Miss Barry's life was probably better than mine. Of course it was. That's why I was here, in her pretty, perfect, pink, and purple little room deep in the main office of school. Definitely a nice shift from the other counselors' rooms. The light pinks and purples were relaxing.

Charlie must have been paying extra attention to me, because the week after the one when Edward left was the week that Charlie was absolutely sure that I needed help. That first week of Edward being gone was the hardest. Charlie thought I was depressed, when I really wasn't. At least, not that much. I didn't eat anymore, but I hadn't really eaten much since the summer. I'd been close to blacking out a few times, but I was okay. I was only eighty-six pounds, and apparently that wasn't healthy for a woman that was five foot four, but I'd been that way since last summer and nobody noticed. I didn't look too bad. I was a twig but that was sort of okay.

So why did Charlie decide that now, after Edward was gone, that I should visit a doctor and see a counselor? It didn't make sense. If he really cared he would have done it a while ago. Either way, I still didn't need it.

I took the time to thoroughly play with my food at lunch on Wednesday the thirtieth. I wasn't in a rush to see Miss Barry for the second time. It had been two and a half weeks since Edward left, and my last visit with Miss Barry was horrible. Why would the second time be better?

I knew I had to go some time, though, or Charlie would be angry, so I ended up going to Miss Barry's office a little later than last time.

She was still eating her lunch - a sandwich, banana, and an Arnold Palmer: very typical - when I came into her office. She'd told me that I could eat there, but I didn't eat, so I ignored that proposal.

There was an issue of _Vogue_ lying open next to her lunch. Miss Barry was so into fashion. I started to feel bad. She could have had fashion be a part of her life, but here I was, fucking that up.

"Good afternoon, Bella," Miss Barry greeted me politely. She gently moved her almost finished lunch and magazine to the side.

"Hi, Miss Barry," I said. "Anything you wanted to talk about in particular?"

"Call me Ashlyn," she said, "but I'm glad you asked. Your father told me some things that we could discuss, if you want." I never called her Ashlyn and I never would.

"What did he tell you?"

"He told me about a boy you liked."

I froze.

"Would you like to tell me about him?" Miss Barry asked.

I shook my head.

"Your father told me he was important to you. Maybe it would help if you told me about him. It would certainly help me."

How stupid of her. No, I would not feel better if I talked about it. Was she stupid? Didn't she know anything? Didn't she know who she was dealing with? Didn't she know that you weren't supposed to tell a teenage girl that things would be better if they talked about it. It was all wrong.

I wanted to scream all of this and more to Miss Barry's face, and I felt really tempted to, because there was nobody to control me this time. Nobody to punish me for making them look bad. I was on my own now. I could make my own decisions. I was in control of what I could do now. I probably wouldn't know how to make my own decisions, but I still could. I was a bit please with this.

Yelling at Miss Barry would still be rude, though.

"Well, I did like Edward a lot," I began. "We dated for, like, eight months."

Miss Barry had a please smile on her face. "Now we're getting somewhere, Bella. How much did you like Edward?"

I took some a moment to think about this. "He was the only thing I wanted, or even needed," I said. He told me he loved me, and I believed him for some of the time."

"Did you love him?"

My eyes burned a little at the realization of the truth. "I did," I said. "At least, for a little while, back when everything was okay. I mean, I knew that he did some things only because he loved me, and only because he knew what was right for me. Edward's really smart."

"Why did you two break up?" God, Miss Barry was good at this. She wasn't prying at all.

"He broke up with me," I corrected. "Because he had to move away, I think. I wasn't sure what to believe. It was all just so stupid because we... you know... had sex just the night before he left me."

I was done there. I had said too much. I imagined that if Edward were to hear that, he'd be pissed. Edward wasn't fun when he was pissed.

_Forgive me, Edward. I'm sorry for misbehaving. Forgive me._

* * *

><p>Miss Barry let me go a little earlier this time. She must have been so excited that we were going somewhere so soon. Optimistic bitch.<p>

* * *

><p>I came home to an empty house right on time that afternoon. Maybe this was what made me so lonely. When Edward wasn't around, I was alone and felt terribly incomplete. God, I was so fucked. I had become so dependent on Edward that when he was gone I crashed back down to the earth with nothing to hold on to. I really did need him.<p>

I needed a way to get my mind off of him. He wasn't even here and he continued to control me. I needed an escape. As much as I hoped he would, he would never come back.

* * *

><p>The rest of the week went by slowly and never excitingly, just like the previous few weeks. I drearily went through my classes, where I blended in to my desks, and then I drearily went through lunch as well.<p>

On the days of the week that weren't Wednesday, I hid in the bathroom during lunch. I went there so early during the lunch period that the girls I could always hear puking their guts out in the stalls were actually viewable. They spent minutes making themselves throw up, and then they'd leave their bathroom stalls, take one look at my frail body, and whisper, "What's your secret?" I wouldn't say anything in return.

Yes, I was quite the popular girl. My senior year was a hit, so far. I could see myself winning tons of senior awards. _Numero-uno _Homecoming Queen candidate. I could even see myself winning Prom Queen. Of course. I was hot stuff.

When I would eventually leave the restroom, I'd see Alice, Edward's younger sister who was a junior now, at lunch with her friends and her boyfriend. She and her mother, Esme, were the only Cullens here since Emmett had graduated and Edward had moved. Alice said nothing to me now. We used to be mutual friends. Not great friends, as much as I used to go to her house, but we still said hello every once in a while. Maybe she was just like Edward - all an act in order to make herself look good. Maybe she just didn't enjoy the fact that I was a loner as her social life was raging ever since her older siblings left the picture. I was such a people-person, so social. Of course.

What was even sadder was that I really did use to be popular. Not in Forks. No way. I moved here to get out of the popularity and problems. Phoenix, though, was a different story. I had been a completely different person there. _Shit happens_, I thought.

Sometimes I saw my old friends at lunch. Jessica and company were always there, their lunch table always too full for me to sit at, but never crowding or overflowing. My cafeteria crowd didn't want or even need me. I wished I could say the same.

Then again, I didn't give them anything, so how could I expect anything back? I'd been born to lose. Story of my life. I'd lost everything once again - love, hope, self respect, friends, family... What was there left of me? I was pretty sure my life was dwindling, anyway. I always felt tired and a little dizzy. I'd end up passing out one of these days. I'd even lost the desire to care. Perfect. Fucking perfect. The only thing I hadn't lost was life itself. I was a loser. Why not kill me already?

I wanted to go out and get high again. Damn, I'd been sober for almost ten months now. Crazy. That was one thing to be proud of myself. I hadn't smoked since November of 2008. It was September of 2009 now. I was on a roll. Maybe one hit wouldn't hurt. It just wouldn't be fun being alone. Edward went back to his father and I had gone back to black. It was a lonely dance to be the star of.

* * *

><p>On Saturday, Mike Newton let me go from work at his family's outfitters store early. I must have been so out of it. The store wasn't busy, though, so I didn't feel bad leaving so early.<p>

It was another lonely day. It was still early, only eleven o'clock when I was sitting at home, the television low. I wasn't interested in listening to music at the moment, if at all. My iPod had been deep in a drawer in my bedroom, dead for over two week now. Edward used to have control over that, too, as with everything. He'd scrutinized my taste in music all the time. _What crap_, he'd said. It wasn't my fault that I'd been so into many different types of music. I'd had a mixed group of friends in Phoenix that introduced me to different music.

Phoenix would have been heaven right now, even for a sinner like me.

I looked out the window of the living room as I became lost in my own thoughts. I was so horrible. It was like I was waiting for Edward, waiting to hear his stupid Volvo pull into my driveway, waiting for him to kiss me again, waiting for him to judge what I wore, waiting for him to make jokes about me. Maybe he was right. Maybe I really was stupid.

It was all my fault. Wasn't everything?

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Oh yes, that chapter had plenty of song references. Plenty of song references, references to Bella's past, and sarcasm. Beautiful. Yes, Bella did have friends in Phoenix. (Anyone that wants to know more should read Blur, the prequel to Destructive Desire - I'll say it's pretty damn good.) Also, an Arnold Palmer is a beverage that is half iced tea and half lemonade. I actually tried one today for the first time. It was delicious. Anyway, the beautiful blue review button is right down there. Don't be lazy - review the chapter! Feedback is the best thing I could receive from you readers that I love so very much.  
><em>

_MusicTwilightLove, out.  
><em>


	11. Sadness Is A Blessing :: Hanging High

_**A/N: **Hello, darlings. (Ugh, why do I call you guys that!) Chapter 11 of Destructive Desire is finally up. I know, it took me forever. So with the song inspirations, I decided to do two of many splendid Lykke Li songs. I love Lykke Li. You'll see her in the fanfic a lot. This time, I used "Sadness Is A Blessing" to be sarcastic and "Hanging High" to be genuine. I couldn't pick just one. Now here goes..._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sadness Is A Blessing &amp; Hanging High<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>How many sleeping pills does it take to die?<em>

That was the question of the moment. I'd spent about an hour doing nothing around the house. I was bored. I decided that since there was nothing to do, I might as well take out the sleeping pills and experiment.

_Make it stop._

October third, in the year of two-thousand and nine. Twelve fifteen in the afternoon. I paid way too much attention to the dates now. I was that pathetic.

_MAKE IT STOP._

I sat on the floor of the bedroom. Legs crossed, head down, throat dry. I had been clenching the white bottle in my left fist for minutes now. Considering, considering. Never really doing anything.

_Please, make it stop._

I twisted the cap of the bottle off and shook the little white pills into the palm of my right hand.

_...Three, four, five... Seven, eight, nine..._

The scale was right next to me, taunting me. The scale was the best friend from hell, always bothering me and making fun of me. I was too skinny. No, I was a fat-ass. Oh please, I didn't eat enough. Wait, I didn't need to eat. What was I supposed to believe? The bottle of vodka was good to me, though. It was Charlie's and it didn't judge me at all. My new best friend sat down right beside me.

_Twelve is good. Thirteen is better. Down it with half a bottle of vodka and I'm golden._

I closed my eyes and held three pills in my hand after setting down the other ten. Behind my eyelids, I saw Drake, his eyes as blue as the sea. I saw Benjamin, his hazel eyes the most beautiful color on the planet. I saw Edward, his angry green eyes, still gorgeous. Three men I had loved, gone. _Light of my life, fire of my loins._ Good and gone. They'd let me fall. They'd told me they'd help. They didn't.

_Three's a good start._

One, two, three little white pills down. Excellent. I'd be on my way to visit Benjamin in no time.

_Another won't hurt. _

I lied to myself again. I took three more. I didn't feel anything yet. Why wasn't this working?

_I can't even do this right. Can't do anything right..._

Frustrated, I downed a few more. The dizziness swirled all through my body. Quickly, I washed it all down with half of the contents of the bottle of vodka. It was strong, disgusting stuff.

_Is it over yet?_

I sat there for what felt like forever. The dead silence was scaring me. I was drifting after a while. I could even hear the faint sound of a door unlocking...

* * *

><p>They told me that I was close to overdosing. They told me that they saved me at the last minute. They told I had been very sick. They told me I was lucky to have survived.<p>

I didn't feel so lucky.

I felt embarrassed.

As I spent the rest of my weekend (and Monday morning, too) in the hospital, I felt ugly and stupid and broken. Edward wasn't even there anymore and he continued to control me. I wanted to blame him, but I knew it would be wrong. Wasn't this all my fault? I was so stupid. No wonder why Edward had left me. I was a bad case to be dealing with.

The doctors and nurses ran plenty of tests during the time I was there. I was totally underweight, with a BMI of 14.8. My blood pressure was low, too. I was also suffering from exhaustion. Anything that could have been wrong with me, was wrong with me. They should have just killed me.

* * *

><p>Charlie talked to me on the way home from the hospital on Monday. No more <em>I love you<em>, no more _I'm sorry this happened to you, sweetie_, and no more _This can't ever happen again_. He was getting real.

"Maybe you should go live with your mom for a while," he said. "You know, go and straighten yourself out. You'd like Florida."

He was right. I would like Florida. The warmth sounded appealing. Renee and her husband Phil had moved there last summer, and they love it there, even more than they loved Phoenix.

But I wouldn't move. What if Edward were to come back? Then what? Renee wouldn't let me move back. I'd be stuck there. I was afraid that Edward would be mad at me, or worse. Also, I'd gotten used to Forks. Who said that the same things that had happened in Phoenix couldn't happen in Jacksonville.

"Dad, I'm not moving."

"Really, Bella," he continued, "you would love it there. Jacksonville is always sunny. You can make new friends, even continue to do counseling. There's more for you there than there is here. Maybe you'll like things there more than you do here. You know you're not the first, or the last, person this has happened to."

"Please, Dad. Stop. You're wrong."

"Maybe you can even get better help there. We both know it's not getting better. And, Renee would love to have you back. It's been almost a while since you've last seen her. Maybe she can help you. She certainly can better than I, and -"

"Dad, stop!"

"Sorry, Bells."

"I don't want to leave."

"Why?"

"I like it here." It was half true.

"You really do?"

"Yes."

"But you're not living, Bells. And your previous...incident... doesn't really have me convinced."

"I'm trying, Dad. I'm sorry. That was just a stupid moment. It won't happen again."

"I found you almost dead in your room. I don't want that to happen again, sweetheart."

"It won't. I'll take extra counseling, if I have to."

"I think you have to."

"I do, too." In a way, I did think this. Sort of.

"Miss Barry told me you were talking to her."

Anger surged through me. She wasn't supposed to tell anybody. It was in her code of conduct to keep everything confidential. "What did she say?" I asked.

"Nothing much, just that you're starting to talk to her." He made me sound like a child.

"Baby steps," I said.

He chuckled. "I'm glad you're getting better, Bella. It's all I want."

"I know."

"Just don't ever scare me like that again."

"Okay." No promises, though.

We were pulling into our driveway, and that's when I decided that I was (barely) alive, but I wasn't living. I wanted to be free. I had come to Forks to break my chains from the past, and I hadn't. I had become more tied down than ever.

This most recent incident had been a wake-up call. I wanted to live. I wanted to be free and be happy. It would take time. I never liked the phrase _Change is good_ because I never thought change was good and I never, ever would think that, but I had to change. The truth was clear: Edward wasn't coming back. I wanted to fix myself. I wanted to take care of myself. Hell, I even wanted love again.

Maybe the love would come later, though.

I needed to get better. I needed to _breathe_. I'd thought I was okay, but that wasn't true.

As I went upstairs to take a shower, Charlie asked me if I wanted him to go get lunch for me. I said yes. Maybe eating would be nice for once.

Charlie really wasn't a horrible father, and he hadn't parented in a long time. It was nice.

I showered for what seemed like a long time. I felt disgusting. I felt stupid. I felt like a disappointment. I wanted to be the daughter and friend that people bragged about, not the one that people hid away.

Everybody at school probably knew about my hospital visit, anyway. I lived near a lot of people - they could have seen the ambulance.

I didn't want to go back to school. Everyone already knew I had issues. Why would I go back after this? I wouldn't get sympathy from anybody. They'd look at me and think I was a freak. They already did. School would be absolute hell.

I got out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. It seemed like it had been forever since I had.

I got a pretty good glimpse of the stranger staring back at me.

I was very skinny. I'd never been particularly fat, but I used to have a figure. Guys had loved me for it, and the girls had envied me for it. Where was it again? Ugh, it was like I had shrunk. I'd never felt this much _not_ like a female. I looked like a skeleton.

I was very pale. I'd always been rather on the pale side, but now I looked like a ghost. It was so unattractive. I looked very sick.

My hair was very gross. I hadn't bothered to take care of myself in weeks.

I felt very ugly.

* * *

><p>I didn't go to school the next day. I took a Mental Health Day. Charlie needed one, too, I guessed. He stayed home with me, probably because he needed to keep an eye on me.<p>

When I went to the bathroom that Tuesday morning, I found the medication cabinet empty. Nothing was there. Not even vitamins or aspirin.

Charlie wanted me to hang out with him that day. I didn't say no. It would make him happy. We watched a lot of stupid shows on TV. He laughed as if they were the funniest things in the world, probably hoping that I would laugh along, that I would seem somewhat normal for his own personal happiness. We went to Billy Black's house later that night for dinner. It had been a while since I had seen Billy or his son, Jacob.

Jacob looked really excited to see me. The second I got out of Charlie's car, he took me in a big hug. It felt nice.

"Hey, Bella!" he said happily.

"Hi, Jacob," I laughed. When he set me down, I took a step back to look at him. "Oh my God, you've gotten so tall!"

He really had grown a lot. He was more muscular, and a lot taller. He didn't seem like a boy anymore."What are you now?" I asked. "Six feet?"

"Six two," he said with a grin.

"Wow. Are you ever going to stop growing? I mean, you're, like, huge." God, he was. "How old are you?"

"I'll be seventeen in January."

"Oh my God."

Jacob just laughed.

Charlie was already in the house. Jacob and I walked to the house, and I said hello to Billy.

"Hey, Bella, we haven't seen you around here in a while." Billy Black wheeled toward me in his wheelchair and looked ecstatic.

"Hey, Billy," I said. "How are you?"

"Still dancing." I smiled politely.

Jacob turned to me and asked if I wanted to go to his garage.

"Sure," I said.

Jacob's garage was concealed in the trees away from his house. His garage was huge. There were tools everywhere, scrap metals lying all over the place... very artsy, in a way. I saw a car, raised on cinder blocks, sitting in the corner.

"Did you build that yourself?" I asked Jacob. Then I realized that I had asked a stupid question. It looked like it was still in the building process, not far from being complete.

"Yeah, it's almost done," he said with a pleased smile. He seemed so proud of himself.

Right then, I realized how much I missed Jacob. The last time I'd talked to him, it was last July and we had barely talked, but we did. We had a nice conversation going before Edward had stepped in and taken me away from Jacob.

With Jacob, I felt real again. I felt like I was being treated like a human being. I didn't deserve to be treated like shit (at least all the time). I deserved to be treated like this. Jake was doing wonders already. I appreciated it.

"Damn," I said, "if I knew how to build cars, I'd try to help."

"You can, if you want," he said, smirking. "Let's not and say we did."

"Sounds perfect."

For the next few minutes and the hour after dinner, Jacob and I talked as he worked on his car. I did my part of the job, handing him parts and tools. He was a really crafty person. Very talented. I was strangely comfortable here with him. There was nothing to remind me of what recently happened. Jacob never spoke of Edward.

I planned on spending more time with Jacob. Charlie would be pleased. I wouldn't be bored. Jacob would be happy. I could forget my past and live again. It was all I wanted.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **So, you guys. How was that? I promise, that was the last OMG-so-depressing-excuse-me-to-slit-my-wrists chapter... for a while. Things are looking up! Review please, it'll make me feel awesome._

_MusicTwilightLove, out.  
><em>


	12. Find Your Love

_**A/N: **Fabulous Readers,_

_Destructive Desire is back after a delayed return. With lots of end-of-school crap to do, I barely had the time to even touch chapter 12. I feel like I'm seeping into inconsistency again. Ugh. Well, I'm workin' on it. I'll be haulin' ass all summer long to get somewhere in this fanfic, because this is just the beginning. The song that inspires this chapter is "Find Your Love" by Drake. Think of it in both Bella's AND Jake's perspectives, but mostly Jacob's. I mean, this song is like his anthem. Love this song. Also, some chapters that aren't in Bella's perspective will come up. I promise. Expect an Edward chapter and a Jacob chapter in the future. Now, here is Find Your Love._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Find Your Love<strong>_

* * *

><p>Jacob Black was a good person to be around. He made me laugh. He made me happy. He made me appreciate life so much more.<p>

He also made me forget all the shit that had happened in the past, and he helped me move on. He didn't talk about anything I wasn't comfortable with. He really did care about me.

Jacob was a perpetually nice person. He had a bright, happy aura. I was thankful to have him in my life.

Over the next three weeks, I found out a lot about Jacob. His junior year was going well, he was very mechanical, his twin sisters probably wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving... He had a pretty okay life, which made things even easier.

What positive people say is true: _Time flies._ Time truly does fly when you're enjoying yourself.

I liked that.

* * *

><p>Sometime between the middle of October and the beginning of November, I met Jacob's friends. Jake and Billy had plenty of company over that Friday night.<p>

I was sitting close to Jacob on the couch, talking to him casually, when Quil and Embry approached us. I had met them before. Embry was nice. Quil was a riot.

Jake and I were talking with Quil and Embry for a while when more people around our age came along. Jacob introduced them to me. Sam seemed older than us, but he was nice. Paul tall, lean, and a little condescending and teasing. Jared had a cute smile and personality. Seth was younger than the rest of us, about fifteen years old. He reminded me of Jacob, a little bit. He had a sunny personality and a nice smile. And then there was Leah, who every boy there seemed to orbit around. I didn't blame them; she was really pretty.

We were all hanging out and eating food (yes, I had started eating again, after a bit of encouragement from Jacob) when Paul suggested we all go down to the beach. It didn't sound like a bad idea. The adults didn't mind.

"I call shotgun," I said as we all retreated to our vehicles. Not all of us even had a car (or a motorcycle, in Paul and Leah's cases), so some people had to ride with others.

Quil and Embry went with Jacob and I. Jake's Volkswagen Rabbit was finished, and Jake was proud of himself. It was cute.

For the whole five minute drive to First Beach, Quil, Embry, Jacob, and I joked around. Somewhere in the middle, Quil scoffed and said, "Jesus, Jake, could you take your eyes off of Bella for one minute? We're gonna crash."

I blushed. Jacob told Quil to shut up. This wasn't the first time Quil had said something like this. He'd been messing with us for a while now.

Everybody met at a certain spot at the beach where I'd been with Jacob before. There were even more people. Jared's girlfriend, Kim, and Sam's girlfriend, Emily, were there, greeting everyone.

It felt nice to act like my own age again. I felt comfortable here with Jacob and his friends. They'd obviously all been around each other for a long time, but I didn't really feel excluded. They didn't push me out.

Someone had brought a stereo with them and later everyone was dancing, except Jacob and I.

Jacob held my hand like he always did (and like how I always let him). "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.

"You know, I'm not much of a dancer," I said half-heartedly. "Like, I suck."

"Nobody here can dance, either." Jake gestured to Quil, Jared, and Paul, who were attempting to break-dance and were failing miserably. I giggled. Jake grinned. "Wanna take a chance?" he asked.

The song changed to a familiar, pop, slow song. I nodded, and then I let him pull me in closer. I put my arms around Jacob's neck as he twirled me in a lopsided circle in the sand, his hands between my waist and my hips. Jacob was so warm, so comfortable, so beautiful. I leaned my head against his chest as he held me close. I was happy. I was warm. I was alive. Was this a dream? Our dance had me under a spell, and I didn't mind.

The song seemed to have went quicker than I thought. When it was over, Jacob bent smiled. "Thanks, Bells," he murmured.

I smiled back and nodded. "Thanks, Jake," I whispered.

We danced to one more song in front of the bright flames of the bonfire.

* * *

><p>"How are you, Bella?" Miss Barry asked in the middle of one of our counseling sessions Wednesday afternoon. "Feeling better?"<p>

"Well, I haven't been hospitalized lately," I half-heartedly joked.

"That's great." Miss Barry smiled. "You look better already."

"Yeah, I've been eating a lot more, I think." And I had. Jacob had taught me what a "healthy diet" was. I felt like laughing. "I even feel better," I added.

Jacob must have been doing wonders. I was actually talking. I felt proud of myself. I felt stronger for overcoming the damage, because Jacob hadn't done this alone. Miss Barry had even helped. Kind of.

"Bella, that's so good!" Miss Barry said happily. "So, overall, how would you describe your mood?" She had her familiar pink clipboard and pink pen out. She must have been documenting everything.

I took a deep breath. "Happy."

"That's fantastic, Bella. I am so proud of you." Miss Barry smiled like a proud mother. She glanced at her clock. "Darn, we ran out of time." She stood up and hugged me. "You've come so far, dear."

"Thank you, Miss Barry," I said. "So much."

"No, thank _you_, Bella. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay."

I let go, waved goodbye, and left her office. Maybe that was enough to get me out of counseling. Maybe not.

* * *

><p>I decided to catch up with my cafeteria crowd at lunch the next day. The thought made me a little nervous, but I thought, <em>What the hell? <em>

They were so tightly knit together - their table was full but not crowded, like always. I spotted an empty seat, all the way at the end of the table between Mike Newton and Angela Weber.

Damn, it had been a while since I'd really paid attention to Mike. Why hadn't I noticed at work how much older he looked? I smiled politely when he noticed I'd sat down next to him.

Everybody at the table - besides that fucking Lauren Mallory that never stopped talking and her best skank forever Jessica Stanley - turned quieter.

"Hey, guys," I said.

A few mumbled, "Hey, Bella" greetings went around. Angela Weber, who sat on my left looked happy to see me, though. Angela was a sincere, sweet person. Always forgiving. "Hi, Bella," she said with a warm smile. "How are you?"

"I'm feeling good, Angela, thanks," I said. "You?"

"I'm good."

I turned back to Mike and tried to act casually. "Hey, Mike," I said.

Mike barely looked at me in the eyes. God. He _used_ to like me. What had happened? I mean, okay, I was sort of rising from the dead, but maybe Lauren and Jessica had gotten to him. Or maybe he was just ignoring me because I'd done the same. An eye for an eye. Ugh. If everyone went by that phrase we'd all be blind. But, taking a chance (since I'd been doing that a lot recently), I asked Mike, "Are you free not this weekend, but the weekend after? The weekend after Halloween?"

That caught his attention. He finally looked up at me. His blue eyes were hopeful. "No, I'm not doing anything, really, just going to a party." _A party. _Wow. People threw parties in Forks?

"Cool, whose party is it?" I asked.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Just some girl in our grade from down the street."

"Wow."

There was an awkward pause. "Hey, you don't mind if I invite a friend of mine from La Push, do you? And a couple of his friends?"

"Who, that guy you're always leaving work with? Isn't he, like, sixteen?"

The words _Jealous Asshole_ could have been written on his forehead. "That's the guy, and yeah, he and his friends are all sixteen and seventeen."

"How many are you inviting?"

"As many that want to come."

That shut Mike up. "Okay," he said.

After more silence (with the chattering of Jessica and Lauren, of course), Angela smiled genuinely at me and said, "I'm so glad you're back, Bella."

"Me, too," Ben Cheney, Angela's boyfriend, added.

"Thanks."

God, if Jake and his pals couldn't show up, I'd drink myself into a coma.

* * *

><p>I plopped down on the couch next to Jacob the next day, after school, with a bowl of popcorn.<p>

"We need something to do," I sighed.

Jacob set down the remote control after starting up the movie we were about to watch. It was Halloween and we would be watching _Scream _first.

"Are we not doing anything now?" Jake asked.

"We could do more than just watch movies," I suggested. It came out funny, almost seductive.

"Sure, we could always freeload at Quil's place," he joked. "Though I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to. He's probably always stuck in his room watching porn or something."

I snickered. God, Jake never held back, and I loved that about him. I hadn't meant to love Jacob like this, but here I was.

"Not surprising," I agreed, giggling. "But I'm serious. Someone at my school's throwing a party next week, and I don't really wanna go, but I said I would. You should go with me. Then I'll survive. Will you go with me, Jacob?"

"Aww, you're asking me out on a date," he teased.

I hit him playfully in the arm. "Shut up! And I'm not asking - I'm demanding that you attend the party with me, whether you like it or not. You'll have to be my hooker for the night. No payment, though."

Jacob laughed. "Oh, wow," he said. "Fine, I'll go with you. Now, where's the token of your gratitude?"

I smiled and leaned over Jacob to kiss him on the cheek. His skin was incredibly soft on my lips. "Mwah!" I exclaimed after the drawn-out humming. "Thank you, Jake," I said.

"No problem," he replied. "You don't mind if I bring a few of my friends, right?"

"Nah, I don't mind. It'll be a party for sure."

"Can't wait."

* * *

><p>I felt sexy as I got dressed on the night of the party. It had been a long time - <em>way<em> too long - since I'd last felt like this. This was strange and different, but I liked it.

It took me a while to get dressed, but I was happy with my overall look. I looked good in my low-cut, sheer, lace black top. It looked good with my studded leather jacket, dark jeans, and wedged boots.

I was glad I hadn't forgotten to apply makeup - I hadn't used much of it in a long time. The worst part was that I had a shitload of it. I could have a lot of fun. Bold red lip, liquid eyeliner... not too much.

Yeah, I was a sexy bitch.

Jacob would be picking me up from my house so we could go the party together, and as I waited for him downstairs, Charlie, who was sitting in the living room, asked me what I was so dressed up for.

"I'm going out," I said excitedly.

"Oh, yeah, Billy told me. You're going to a party with Jake, right?" He was still focused on the television.

"Right," I said.

I heard Jacob's Rabbit pull into the driveway. I got up. "Bye, Charlie," I called to my father.

"Bye, Bella," he said. "Be safe. See you later."

"See ya."

Jacob was making his way up the driveway when I came out of the house.

"What happened to your hair?" I asked him. His long, dark hair was now chopped into a really short cut.

"Paul and Jared. That's what happened," Jacob snorted. "They thought they'd hurt my feelings if they cut my hair."

"Ha. Right. Are they still going?"

"Yeah, everyone's going except Quil. He got grounded."

"Wow," I said.

"I know."

"Well, my hooker, you look very nice, anyway," I told him. In fact, he looked fucking gorgeous. Dressed simply in a white button-down, black tie, and dark pants, he looked really great.

"And you, Bella, look beautiful," he complimented me.

I smiled. "Thanks. Let's go."

Before we got in the car, I hugged him. It was a nice, warm, tight embrace. Just how I liked it.

Jacob played my favorite radio station once we were in the car. It wasn't too loud, just low enough for us to talk, too.

"Who's gonna be there?" Jake asked casually.

"Just a bunch of boring seniors. You wouldn't be interested. I'm glad you're bringing your friends along."

"Hey, not all of the seniors are boring," he contradicted. "I've been seeing out with one for a while. She's pretty. You'd be jealous."

"Sounds like a bitch," I said, going along with his joke. "You're lucky you have me."

"Lucky? Sounds more like a tragedy."

I laughed. "Shut up."

* * *

><p>The party wasn't too far from where I lived, just a few minutes away. It seemed to have been going on for a while when Jacob and I arrived. It was nine-thirty.<p>

Mike was one of the first people to see me at the party, and he walked over to me the second he saw me. He tried to hug me, even as I was holding Jacob's hand. I awkwardly side-hugged him. He just didn't know when to stop, did he?

Thankfully, I was saved by my knight in a dress-up shirt when Jacob said, "Hey, I think Embry's here."

"Yeah, let's go," I agreed. I turned to Mike. "See you around, Mike."

He nodded.

Once Jacob and I were far enough away from Mike, Jake said, "What a freak. And you see him everyday?"

I grimaced. "Pretty much, yes."

"The torture."

"I know."

He gave my hand a squeeze, and then smiled. "Come on, enjoy yourself. Live a little."

I sighed and then gave up, relaxing. It was too hard to sulk with Jacob around. "Fine."

The party wasn't a bad party - just boring. I hung out with Jacob, Paul, Jared, Embry, and Leah the entire time. Everything was okay until two guys got into a fight. They'd obviously been drinking too much. (I was surprised that I didn't have even a sip of alcohol that night.) I didn't know the guys.

Other than that, the party wasn't that wild at all. People didn't know how to do party right in this town. The music wasn't that bad, though. Hell, it was great. Old hits, new hits... Perfect. I danced with Jacob a few times.

After finishing a quicker song, I stood on the tips of my toes to ask Jacob, "Wanna get out of here?" in his ear. The music was that loud.

Jacob and I found one quiet, empty part of the house: the swing on the porch outside.

As we slowly swung as we sat on it, Jake's arm around me, I looked up at the night sky. It was really cloudy. I couldn't see the moon or the stars.

"They're always gone," I murmured.

"What are?" Jacob was looking in the same direction as me.

"The stars and the moon."

"Just because you can't see them," he mused, "doesn't mean they're not there."

"Yeah."

We swung a bit more. I remembered a few weeks ago. I remembered when I wasn't interested in having anything with Jacob, or with anyone. I remembered pushing him away, locking him out, and keeping everything in. He hadn't come on to me then, didn't dare try to hold my hand. He knew I wouldn't like it. I hadn't wanted anything from Jacob, or anybody. I'd wanted to recover. I hadn't wanted him to help me, though I knew he could. Now here I was, okay with Jacob's gestures. I was okay, myself. I accepted him now. I had learned to love again. I'd found it again, with Jacob.

I wanted to love Jacob as more than a friend, and in a way, I did. I loved Jacob - a lot. I'd do anything for him, and I knew he would do the same for me. I didn't have to worry about him not supporting me, or not being good to me. I knew he would. He'd already proven that, and he continued to. Jacob could be mine. I could be his. We could be more than just friends. I wasn't afraid of heartbreak anymore.

"Bella?"

I looked at Jacob, and saw the blatant truth: he was handsome. He'd always been handsome, but right here and right now I noticed the golden flecks in his dark brown eyes. I noticed the stories that his eyes could tell and conceal. There was something about him, I could see it, that made me love him even more.

"Yes?" I mumbled.

"You like me, right?"

I nodded. "I really do."

"More than that blond asswipe in the house, right?"

"A lot more."

"And that's it." It wasn't a question. He sounded almost disappointed.

"You know I like you more than that, Jake."

He didn't reply.

"Don't act like I don't," I added.

We were silent for a while.

"Bella," he said, "I'm in love with you. I just wanna know how feel about me."

My heartbeat sped. He was serious.

"Jake," I began, "I really, _really_ love you." I was perfectly honest. I did love him. I was even _in_ love with him.

"Really?"

I nodded. "Yes, really. I'm in love with you, Jacob."

"Love you, Bella."

Then he put his hand on my cheek and put his lips to mine. And as he kissed me, anything bad that had happened before was irrelevant. It was a funny thing about how some kisses could be so powerful. That kiss between Jacob and I changed everything.

_Every. Fucking. Thing.  
><em>

When he stopped, trailing off so sexily I could have caught on fire, I threw my arm around his neck and kissed him back, slowly and sensually, exploring him. I didn't feel the coolness of the early November air, just the warmth of Jacob. I also liked his manly, woodsy scent. Everything about Jacob was alluring and delicious.

"You're the best, honey," he murmured when I was done kissing him back. He kissed me on the forehead and then hugged me.

"I love you, Jacob," I whispered. "I always will."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **No, this is not an all Bella/Jacob (because I'd crack up like an immature little boy at the phrase "B/J") fanfic. If it was, I would have changed it. It's mainly Bella/Edward, but you had best believe that Bella's gonna get close to Jakey. :3 Anyway, thank you so much to those that have reviewed. I really, really like what you guys have to say. I love when you guys have questions, too. Active readers are the best readers. _

_Also, this chapter was going to go on for longer but I found it already lengthy, and besides... Mean Girls is on TV and I have to watch it.  
><em>

_Thank you! Now click that review button. Don't be lazy. I need those reviews, guys.  
><em>


	13. Lucky Ones

_**A/N: **Hello, my dears, Destructive Desire is finally back. I know, it's been like two weeks. I know, I suck. Hope you'll forgive me. I've had a huge case of on-and-off writer's block and between now and the last chapter of this fanfic, I've written two one-shot crossovers. I know, I'm horrible. But, Destructive Desire is finally back. I've named this chapter "Lucky Ones," after the Lana Del Rey song. I earlier promised to myself that I wouldn't use any Lana songs, since Blur was full of them, but I couldn't help it. Miss Del Rey inspires me - a lot. So, here is chapter thirteen, Lucky Ones._

* * *

><p><strong><em>Lucky Ones<em>**

* * *

><p>I smelled something burning when Jacob opened the door of his house and kissed me on the lips to greet me. He'd said he would cook dinner, and certainly was trying.<p>

"Hey, honey," he said as he closed the front door. I slipped off my jacket and he took it and hung it on the coat hanger. I hugged him. "Hey, Jake," I said. "What are you cooking? Or, burning, I should say?"

"Shit, that's the garlic bread." He released me from the hug to walk into the kitchen and open the oven, where smoke escaped and went into the air, causing me to cough.

"Smells like burnt garlic," I commented as he put on an oven mitt and took the pan out of the oven. The pieces of bread weren't burnt that much.

"Perfection takes time," he said.

I laughed. "Yeah. Sure."

Because Jacob was as culinarily hopeless as they came, I helped with the rest of our spaghetti dinner, which mainly was just us playfully throwing food back and forth at each other the entire time.

Jake insisted that he served me when it was finished, though. "Because I made it almost all by myself," he said as he dramatically set the plate down in front of me.

The dinner wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that good, either. "You get a C-minus for effort," I said.

"Wow, thanks, Chef Ramsey. You must be the best."

"I don't know. We may have to have a cook-off."

"You're on."

* * *

><p>Jake and I sat on his couch after dinner, watching a special on the Animal Planet. I rested my head against his chest as his arm was wrapped around me.<p>

"Animals are so much more interesting than people," I said.

"I know," Jake agreed. "If you're an alligator and you look at someone the wrong way, you're getting your ass kicked. With people, nothing happens."

"I meant that animals have better priorities," I said as I stroked the planes of his stomach. "Hey, Jake?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"I think your cooking will get better."

He chuckled. "I hope so."

And that was when he leaned down and kissed me. Even as we'd been dating for almost five weeks, his kisses never failed to make my heart pound frantically in my chest with passion.

I opened my mouth and our tongues collided. I put my fingers in his hair. He had one of his hands at my lower back and the other in my hair. I was suddenly on my back on the couch.

"Damn, this couch is too small," Jake muttered against my lips.

Then we moved to the floor where things got heart-stomping, body-shockingly heavy. Jake was either new to this, or he'd been holding back, which wasn't in his nature.

I had already slipped Jacob out of his shirt by the time he was kissing my shoulder, sensual and soft. "Bella," he murmured. I smiled at the way he said my name, very sultry and sexy, much like himself.

"I love you," I whispered.

I lied on my back on the soft carpet and Jake pulled up my shirt. He kissed my stomach up and down until suddenly, he paused. "Jake," I mumbled. "What's wrong?"

He had a peculiar look on his face as he looked down at my stomach. "What's that funny mark?" he asked. His fingers traced the scar that went across my stomach and was about three inches long.

"It's just a birth mark," I said.

"It looks like a gash, Bella. Like a stab." And I knew he'd figured it out. He was right.

I sat up and looked at him in the eyes. "Don't, Jake."

"What happened?" He sat back up, too.

"Shit happened."

"Do you want to tell me?" he asked.

Biting my lip, I shook my head. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Then I put my lips to his again and kissed him, hard and wanting. I was desperate to make him forget, to make him not worry about it. Edward had stabbed me before with a shard of glass out of pure rage - it was over with. I'd had it coming and it was done. I had the scar to remind me of it, but Jacob shouldn't have had to worry. I was okay. I was fine. I was still breathing, wasn't I?

Jacob stopped again. "Really, what's wrong?"

"Don't pry me," I said. "I'm serious. Don't."

"I'm not trying to."

"Then don't make me believe that you are."

Before he could say anything, I put my lips to his again. He tugged on my bottom lip with his teeth, teasing me. God, it was sexy. He knew what I wanted. He knew what I liked. He should have known why I hadn't wanted to explain myself to him.

Kissing Jacob was nice, though. He made me feel special, like I was the only girl in the world, let alone the only girl for him. I wondered if we would have sex some time in the near future. I was anything but patient. I'd have to talk to him about that. Much, much later.

Anyway, just being with Jacob gave me the feeling of happiness that I hadn't had with a guy in a _very_ long time. I couldn't remember being this happy while sober. This was a good, clean feeling. Being with Jacob was a good, clean thing for me. And he was mine. Could things get better?

Jake moved his mouth down to my throat, and that was when I was absolutely certain that he was the one for me. There wasn't a trace of doubt anywhere in my mind or body. Our eyes met, and I knew that he thought the same thing about me. His deep, dark brown eyes revealed nothing but the truth. And the truth was, he loved me, even if I was difficult to deal with.

I knew we were getting a little far, so I broke away, my breath whooshing right out of me. I felt myself blushing, and I gave Jake a small smile. "What time is it?" I asked.

"I don't know."

Jake put his shirt back on and looked down at his watch. "Seven-thirty," he said.

"You think we have time for a movie?"

Jake gave me an assuring smile. "Sure."

* * *

><p>We did have time to watch a movie before Billy was back. When the movie was over, I got ready to leave. Jake walked me to my truck. "Thanks, honey," he said.<p>

I nodded. "Thanks, Jake."

We leaned against my truck as it snowed lightly. It was the middle of December, alright. Frosty, cold, intense. I knew Jake was thinking about the same thing I was. "You can kiss me if you want to," I said.

Without a hesitation, Jacob turned and put his hands on my hips, and he kissed me hard. It must have been luck - faith, even - that it was snowing perfectly as he was kissing me. I put his hands on his back and returned his kiss with one of my own. His hands slowly moved down to my ass and stayed there.

It was surprising how I hadn't even noticed Charlie's car pulling up toward us. I heard a car honk and that was when I'd realized that Billy was back, and so was Charlie. Jake embarrassingly let go of me and turned as if nothing happened, and went to help his father into his wheelchair and wheeled him into the house. Jacob turned back to me and hugged me as we stood in the doorway. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jake," I whispered. "Love you."

I walked outside back to Charlie, and awkwardly waved. "Hey, Dad," I said.

"Hey, Bells." I could tell that he was going to talk to me about Jacob when we got home.

We each drove in our vehicles to the house and when we got home, he told me he wanted to talk. I would never catch a break from him, would I?

Once we were in the living room, Charlie told me to sit down. He sat first, in his reclining chair. I sat stiffly on the couch. I already knew what he was going to talk about. It wasn't like he _hadn't_ seen Jake and I kissing.

"Is this about Jacob?" I asked Charlie.

Charlie's eyebrows raised. Right. As if I had _no_ idea. "Sort of," he said. "It's about you, too."

"Okay, shoot."

"I see that you guys are dating. And I know you're eighteen and mature, but you guys should be responsible."

"We're not even going that far." I was surprised at how well I was keeping my cool.

"Good, and I'd prefer if you didn't go that far, but can you at least promise that you'll be safe?"

"Fine."

"I'm serious, Bella."

"So am I. I promise, Dad. We'll be careful."

"Thanks."

"Mm-hm."

"Just keep being the good girl that you are."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I was anything but a good girl. He didn't even know half of the story. But that was better for him, anyway. He wouldn't have wanted to know about how I'd been in Phoenix. He'd have me arrested. I could be doing much worse things on a Friday night.

But I didn't mention any of this to him. I just said, "Okay," like the good little girl that I pretended to be.

I got up and started making my way upstairs. Then Charlie said, "Wait."

I stopped. "Yes?"

"How's counseling going?"

"Miss Barry doesn't check in with you anymore?"

"Not really."

"Well, I'm doing better. Miss Barry says I've changed a lot."

"That's great, Bells!" He really did sound happy for me. "What's been making you feel better?"

"Mostly Jacob," I admitted. "But getting out of the house more has helped."

"Good for you, Bella. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks."

"Are you going to keep seeing her?"

I thought about this for a second. "Yes. I think I still should."

"Good."

I walked upstairs and quietly shut the door to my bedroom.

My room was _freezing_. Ugh. This was only my second winter in Forks, and the first one hadn't been this cold. I hated December, and I wouldn't have been surprised if it hated me.

After failing to thoroughly warm myself up, I decided to take a hot shower, even though I had before dinner. You could never be too clean, right?

Showering was especially enjoyable now that I'd reconnected - and started dating - Jacob. It was also enjoyable because, most importantly, I felt alive again, and Jacob hadn't done that on his own. I could give myself some credit. I remembered when I'd take just two minutes to bathe, and I'd come out feeling dirtier than before and even colder. Now, I liked my showers long and hot. It gave me time to think. No, my social life was not a raging utopia of excitement that I couldn't even think anymore. I was better, but I was not popular, and Jessica and Lauren had not taken me back into their social circle yet. But, for some strange reason, I had my best thoughts in the shower.

During the long shower time I'd taken tonight, I felt stronger. I really did. Not physically, but mentally. I was living again. I'd been living again for a while. The Edward chapter of my life was over. It was tough, and I hated to think about it, but it was over. I was free. The funny thing was, it wasn't even the Edward thing that had made me want to start living again; it was the fact that I had almost died last October. The Edward thing couldn't have been that bad. I mean, it was shitty, but I had overcome. It was all over, I hoped.

I was getting out of the shower when I suddenly panicked. I panicked because I thought, _What if it's really not over? What if I've just been set up to fall again?_

Then I thought of what Miss Barry had told me to do if I freaked out like this.

_You are fine_, I told myself. _You're okay. You are smart. You are winning this battle against yourself. Edward is gone. You have Jacob. Jacob is nothing like Edward. You are winning. You are fine._

I took a few moments to work on my breathing. I held onto my towel and just breathed. I counted twenty inhales and twenty exhales. I was convinced that I was fine after that.

I changed into my pajamas and had a dreamless sleep that night.

* * *

><p>There was a blanket of snow covering everything the next morning. Thank God school had already gotten out for winter break - I didn't want to drive <em>anywhere<em> in the snow. I hadn't seen snow in a very long time. The last time had to at least been when I first moved here. I'd never seen snow in Phoenix. Only in movies on TV.

I was feeling floaty as I walked downstairs and sat on the couch. Charlie wasn't awake yet. I lied on the couch and watched cartoons from the nineties that happened to be playing on TV.

I fiddled around with my cell phone for a while. My iPhone had a lot music. I'd sold my iPod Touch a month ago and transferred all my music to my iPhone - I really didn't need both. I'd just never realized I had a lot of music.

Charlie slept in pretty late. I called Jacob and talked to him for a little bit.

"Hey," he said when he answered. His voice was low and quiet.

"Did I wake you up?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Yeah."

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay."

"I want you to come over later," I said, striking up conversation. "I'm always at your house. Charlie's probably starting to think that we're fucking. Last night he made me promise to be safe with you. I hope you have condoms."

"Wow, you got a talk, too."

"I'll bet your dad was easier to get past, though."

"He probably was."

"What did he say?"

"To not be stupid, use a condom, and always respect you or he'd let your dad shoot me in two seconds."

I laughed. "He's so straightforward."

"I know. So when do you want me to come over?"

"Whenever you can," I told him. "It snowed a lot. Be careful."

"Careful is my middle name," he joked.

"Right. I'll see you later. Bye."

"Love you, Bella."

"Love you, Jake."

He hung up, and I hugged my phone to my chest. I felt like I was in love for the first time. I pondered on the other relationships I'd been in. Had I ever really been in love? I tried not to think of Benjamin. He was long gone. Unless he could come back from the dead, then I wouldn't see him any time soon. I'd never been in love with Drake; I barely knew him. All we did was talk, and we only kissed once. Edward was long gone, too. And now here was Jacob. Mr. Jacob Black. Ahhh.

It seemed like every now and then, the stars aligned, and it showed that Jacob and I were the lucky ones. Or I was really the lucky one in this situation. He only had me. Was that really all that lucky?

Charlie didn't do very much that morning: he later dragged himself downstairs; said hi to me; looked out the window; exclaimed, "Hey, it's snowing"; and went back upstairs.

This would be a long winter break.

* * *

><p>It was one in the afternoon when I heard the doorbell ring. I was still in my pajamas, watching TV. I opened the door and standing there was Jacob, in a leather jacket with a flannel shirt underneath, and jeans.<p>

"Hey, what took you so long?" I asked, letting him inside.

"Sorry, I had to do some things. Sam and Emily got into a car accident."

Holy shit. A fucking car accident. "Are they okay!" I exclaimed.

"I don't even know. And their car is smashed, too. They're in the hospital right now."

"Do you think we should visit them?" The question came out in nearly a whisper.

Jacob looked sad. He was sulking a bit. "Do you really want to?"

I nodded. "I really do." It wasn't like I didn't know them. I was friends with them, too, as well as Jake's other friends.

Jake sighed. "When do you wanna go?"

"I'll go change right now. Stay right here." I went upstairs and frantically changed into jeans and a hoodie. I took a look at myself in my mirror and saw that I looked like a mess. I quickly ran a brush through my hair and tied it up into a ponytail. I didn't have time to put any makeup on, so all I really did was put on some lip gloss. I didn't look great, but I was decent.

I came back downstairs and went with Jacob to the Rabbit. No matter what Jacob had told me, I was still worried about Sam and Emily. I didn't do well with car accidents.

"They're gonna be okay, Bella," Jake told me on the way to the hospital.

I hated hospitals.

I hated how they tried to pretend like things were okay.

I hated how they surround you in an clean, somewhat happy area and then tell you the bad news. They just drop it on you.

At least I wasn't visiting the hospital on a stretcher again. I could be happy for something.

Jacob and I had to wait. We weren't alone in the waiting room, either. Quil, Embry, Paul, Jared, Seth, and Leah were there, too. They were such a tightly knit group of friends, but it was easy to see the relationships between them now. Some were closer than others. Paul held Leah's hand as she sat there between him and Jared, mascara running down her face. As much as I hung around with them, I would never belong.

It felt like hours had passed when Sue Clearwater, Leah's mother, emerged from an elevator and told us all that Sam and Emily would be okay. A million weights had been lifted from my shoulders.

"That's why you don't go driving when there's ice all over the road," Jared muttered.

Jacob drove me back home and walked me to my porch.

"You're not staying?" I asked.

"I gotta go, honey. I'm sorry."

I furrowed my brow and crossed my arms. "Can't you stay?"

"I gotta stick around with Leah and Paul and everyone."

I bit my lip. I really wanted him to stay. But, he had to do what he had to do. "Fine."

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said.

"I know, and I forgive you."

"Come on, don't be mad at me. Do you want me to come back tonight?"

"I'm not mad, and yeah, I want you to come back tonight."

He put his arms around me and kissed me on the lips briefly. "I love you, Bella."

"Drive safely, Jake."

"I will."

He started going back to his car.

"I love you, Jake," I called to him.

"Love you, too." Then he got in his car.

It was funny how I never got sick of telling Jacob I loved him. Maybe that was because I meant it every single time.

I did feel like Jacob and I were the lucky ones sometimes. This time, not so much.

I wanted to get away. Everybody and everything around here was depressing me. I wanted to take Jacob higher, and I wanted him to do the same for me. I had a bad desire to just drop everything and go. Was that too much to ask for?

Jacob must have liked his girls insane. I was definitely the lucky one here.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **And, that's that. No, it's not over yet, haha. I'm really just trying to make a lot of time pass, but I don't want to rush the Jacob/Bella stuff, because I really love them together. So, how was that? Don't forget to review. It feels really awesome to know what you guys think. _

_Take care,  
><em>

_MusicTwilightLove  
><em>


	14. Why Should I Be Sad :: My Prerogative

_**Disclaimer**_**: **_I don't own these characters, though I do like to consider Bella as an OC who just happens to have the name Bella. However, it all came from Stephenie Meyer._

_Also, if you want to understand this story better, then I suggest you read Blur, the prequel, now if you haven't. You just might like it! And, it's short but gives background information on Bella, which you may need to understand this story thoroughly._

_**Actual Author's Note: **Now that I'm done whoring out Blur (for the moment), I present you chapter 14 of Destructive Desire. I hope this is better than the last chapter. I had a blast writing it. This chapter's title had to be narrowed down to two songs, "Why Should I Be Sad" and "My Prerogative," both by that blonde legend, Britney Spears. This chapter's alternate title could also be "Off To The Races" by Lana Del Rey. I use a couple of lyrics. :3  
><em>

_With special thanks to:_

_Kelly, Scarlet, Carlie, and Lucy for letting me borrow your names and bits of your personalities. This story wouldn't be the same without you guys._

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><p><strong><em>Why Should I Be Sad :: My Prerogative<em>**

* * *

><p>I called Renee that evening after I spent some time with Jacob. It was a bit late her time, because she was three hours ahead, but I still wanted to talk to her. I hadn't talked to her since last September, and she still didn't know about me being hospitalized last October.<p>

She answered on the first ring. "Bella?"

"Hey, Mom," I said.

"Oh, hey, honey. How are you?"

"I'm great, thanks. And you?"

"I'm fine. I'm just packing up."

"For what?"

"Phil and I are flying to Phoenix for the holidays. We're going back on the second of January."

Wow. "Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"But you already sold the house."

"Phil and I are staying in a hotel. Bella, you should stay with us. I haven't seen you in months."

I considered this for a bit. I really did want to go. I was okay now. Visiting Phoenix would be fine. It might even be good for me. I wanted to see my old friends. I missed them. As much as I hadn't wanted them to miss me, I hoped that I did.

"I wanna go," I said.

"Really, sweetie?" She sounded like she didn't believe me.

"Yes, really." I remembered crying because I wasn't coming back. I hadn't kept my promise.

"I think we can get you a ticket, Bella. Do you want to bring anyone with you?"

I thought of Jacob, and decided, _No, this is for me._ His sisters were coming home for the holidays, anyway. I wouldn't need him in Phoenix. This was my homecoming, not his.

"No," I said. "I'll go alone."

"Don't you want to talk to Charlie?"

"Nah. He won't mind. When can I fly down?"

"I was looking at tickets earlier today. We can fly on the same day, which will be in three days. Is that enough time for you?"

"It's perfect, Mom," I said. "Thank you."

"It's late. I'll talk to you later, though, Bella."

"Okay, Mom. Thanks."

"No problem. Love you, sweetie."

"Love you, too."

I hung up and set my cell phone down on my nightstand. I really couldn't wait to get to Phoenix now; I was freezing my ass off here.

I would have to tell Jacob I was leaving in so little time. Damn, that would be a little hard. And I'd have to give him his Christmas present then, too.

I went downstairs and found Charlie sitting on the couch, the Christmas tree shining brightly. "Hey, Dad," I said, sitting down next to him. He was watching some show on the history channel.

"Hey, Bells," he said.

"Can I get your opinion on something?"

"Sure. What?"

"What do you think of me being with Mom and Phil for the holidays?"

He was quiet for a little bit. Then he sighed and looked at me. "I'd like for you to stay here for the holidays, but if you wanna go, then you can go?"

"Really?"

"Really."

"They're going to Phoenix, you know," I said.

"Wow."

"I know."

"Didn't they sell the house?"

I nodded. "Yeah. They're staying in a hotel."

"Wow."

"I know."

I stood up. "Well, I'm leaving in three days."

"Do you need a ride to the airport?"

I shrugged. "I'll just ask Jake."

"Fine."

I made my way upstairs. "Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, Bella."

I shut my door quietly and made my way to my closet, thinking about which clothes I would pack to Phoenix. Why had I decided to give all of my nicer clothes to my friends again? Right, because I didn't want to come to Forks looking like a slut.

I wondered what my old friends would think when they saw me. Would I look better to them? Would I look worse? We'd probably go out and see people when I returned. I wondered what everyone else would think. I mostly wondered what everyone else remembered me as. I hope that they remembered me as a good person, though I wasn't one.

I really shouldn't have cared what people thought of me. I hadn't seen anyone in Phoenix for almost a year now. I should have just lived with it. I shouldn't have cared what people thought, but I doubted they had stopped talking about me. I needed to relax.

_Why should I be sad?_ I thought.

Jeez, I must have had multiple personality disorder. I was always battling with myself. Was I ever really winning?

* * *

><p>The night before I would be leaving, Monday night, I went to Jacob's house. It was late, and his father was asleep. I'd told Jake I would be leaving back on Sunday morning, and he'd said he'd drive me to the airport in Port Angeles.<p>

He greeted me and then we went to his bedroom. I lay down next to him on his bed comfortably. We stared up at his ceiling.

"When will you be back again?" he asked.

"The second of January," I said. "It's a Saturday. You're still picking me up, right?"

"Yeah."

We were silent for a while.

"I'm really gonna miss you, Bella," he said.

"It'll only be, like, two and a half weeks," I assured him. "You'll be fine."

"And _you_ will?"

"Yeah."

"Have fun, raise some hell."

"I'll try to."

He turned on his side and faced me. I could still see him in the dim light coming from his lamp. He smiled at me, like he could peer into my tar black soul. With that smile, he must have liked what he saw. He loved me. Every inch of me.

"What?"

"Have you ever realized how beautiful you are?" he asked.

I didn't have to respond with words. Words were limited and unpredictable. Actions told more. Actions were to the point. I sat up and crawled up to his body to straddle his waist. I put my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his.

God, I would miss Jake. I would miss him so much. Two and a half weeks without him would drive me up the wall. I would also miss the butterflies that fluttered around in my stomach when I was with him. Those butterflies were present now.

He kissed me as if he'd never see me again. I wanted him to know that I wouldn't be gone for that long. I hadn't seemed to convince him.

His hands moved down my waist, to my hips. He must have known exactly what he was doing. He firmly grasped my ass and rolled over so he was on top. He slipped his shirt off and helped me with the removal of mine. My heart pounded in my chest frantically. I wanted Jacob. I _needed_ Jacob. I knew he needed me too when he kissed my stomach hungrily. It gave me a wild sensation that I wanted more of.

He looked up at me and asked if he could take off my jeans. I nodded and whispered, "Yes." Jacob unbuttoned my jeans and slowly tugged my jeans down and off of me. He had my panties off in no time. I moaned his name as he kissed my stomach again and went lower.

* * *

><p>We didn't go all the way, but we were close. As I drove home later that night, I replayed the order of events that had happened that night between Jacob and I. French, feel, finger. Third base. Damn. Didn't giving and receiving head count for anything?<p>

I snuck into the house as quietly as I could. It was five after midnight.

I managed to make it to my room without being caught, and I was a little proud of myself for it. I knew that from that point on, I would be sneaking in a lot more. Being with Jacob was addictive.

I brushed my hair (that was now messy), changed into my pajamas, and quickly got into bed. I knew I would look like shit for my flight the next morning, but I didn't care. I wouldn't see Jacob for a long time. Spending everyday with each other and then being separated for two and a half weeks would be insane.

I tossed and turn as I struggled to fall asleep, but I eventually did drift to sleep. Kelly, Carlie, and Lucy were in my thoughts. My reunion plans with Jacob intruded my thoughts as well that night.

* * *

><p>Everything was ready.<p>

Set with a couple of bags of luggage and a bracelet from Jacob on my wrist (early Christmas gift), Jacob drove me to the airport in Port Angeles. He had to drive slowly and extra carefully because of the snow, but I didn't mind. He sang to the radio in a comical fashion, and I couldn't help but laugh.

He walked with me into the airport and waited with me for my plane.

"Are you excited?" he asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"You're lucky to be getting out of this shit weather."

I laughed. "I know."

I picked at my nail as we silently sat there, just waiting. "Merry Early Christmas," I said.

"Merry Christmas to you, too. And Happy Early New Year."

I smiled and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I really fucking love you," he murmured against my lips.

"Back at ya," I whispered. I kissed him again and then broke away. "And what you did last night was _amazing_."

"Wanna repeat it when you get back?" He smiled sexily.

"It's a date."

I checked my cell phone for the time. "Shit, my plane's gonna be here any second now." I stood up and he stood up with me. He hugged me for what seemed like a long time. When he let me go I kissed him on the cheek. "I'll call you," I said.

He nodded. "See ya."

I went to my plane and as it took off, I only hoped for the best.

_And I'm off to the races._

* * *

><p>The blistering heat of Phoenix was welcoming. I was home.<p>

My mother and stepfather, Renee and Phil, were waiting for me right outside of the gate.

I just didn't expect Kelly, Carlie, and Lucy to be there, too.

I could have burst into laughter - or tears - at the sight of my old best friends. I hadn't seen them in a year. They all laughed and hugged me. Once they were done, I hugged Renee and Phil, and got a good look at my friends. They all looked different.

Kelly had gotten taller, but she was still the shortest out of all of us. Her hair was cut into layers, and she'd gotten lavender streaks. She looked amazing.

Carlie hadn't gotten much taller, and she was still the tallest out of all of us. She hadn't done a thing with her hair (and I was glad that she hadn't), but she much looked older, in a good way.

Lucy was still only about an inch shorter than me, and she looked thinner, though she was already skinny. I wondered for a moment if she was still doing drugs. She didn't look horrible, though. Just older, and with darker eye makeup. She dressed a lot better than how we'd dressed last year.

My mom let me drive with them, and Lucy asked my mom if I could stay at her house over break. Renee was fine with it.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you're back!" Lucy exclaimed as we drove down the freeway from the airport. I felt like I was home. Windows rolled down, music blasting. Perfect. I sat in the passenger seat as Lucy, as reckless as she was, drove her SUV. Carlie and Kelly sat in the back.

"Did my mom tell you about me coming here for break?"

"Yeah," Kelly said. "And we're all staying at Lucy's place."

"My parents went on a trip," Lucy said, smiling, "and I didn't want to be home alone. They said you guys could come over."

"Fuck yeah," Carlie said.

I laughed. My friend's hadn't changed a bit.

* * *

><p>"Pass me the chips," Kelly told Carlie. Carlie threw a bag of Doritos at her and Kelly caught it with one hand.<p>

The four of us sat in Lucy's bedroom, eating snacks, talking, and listening to music. Kelly was making us all listen to Lady Gaga, her latest obsession.

"Guys," Lucy said, turning the music down, "I think it's time to question Bella."

"On what?" I asked, blowing on my freshly painted nails.

"_Everything_," Lucy said, a devilish smile on her face.

"Shoot."

"Did you finally get a car?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. "It's a shitty truck."

"Is it seriously that bad?" Carlie asked.

I nodded. "But at least it drives."

"Stop asking about boring shit," Kelly said. "Bella, do you have a boyfriend?"

I knew that would come up. "I've had two."

"Oh my God, tell me!" Lucy squealed.

I sighed. "My first one was a douchebag. I don't want to talk about it."

"Really?" Carlie asked.

I nodded. "He was a dick."

"What happened?"

"He moved."

"Well, thank God."

I nodded.

"Who's your second boyfriend?" Lucy asked.

I could almost feel their eyes boring into me. They wanted information, and they wanted it now.

"His name's Jacob," I said. "What else do you want to know?"

"Is he hot?" Lucy asked.

I laughed. "Yes, Lucy, he is."

"Have you fucked him yet?"

"Damn, Lucy," Carlie said. "That's bold."

"Well, I wanna know," Lucy said. She turned back to me. "Have you?"

"Define 'fuck.'"

"Don't make me get scientific," she warned. "Have you literally fucked him yet?"

"Fucking someone means different things to different people!" I said. "And I guess I haven't fucked him yet."

"So...?"

"So, I haven't."

"What have you done?"

"Jeez, you're really fucking with me."

"I wanna know!"

"Well, we hung out the other night."

"And...?"

"God, stop it." I threw a Twinkie at her.

She laughed. "Fine."

"Hey, Carlie," I said.

"What?"

"Were you actually pregnant, last year?"

Carlie nodded. Immediately, I felt bad for asking. I felt like shit for asking her this.

"Did you keep it?" I asked.

"No."

"What happened?"

Carlie kept her cool. It wasn't like her to do this, though. "I had a miscarriage."

I was silent. She blinked twice.

"I'm so sorry, Carlie," I finally said.

With a wave of her hand, she said, "It's okay, Bella. Shit happens, you know?"

"I guess."

"I have a new boyfriend now, though." Carlie smiled.

"Jesus, her boyfriend is perfect," Kelly said.

"What's his name?" I asked Carlie.

"Charlie," she said.

"That's so cute!" I said. "Your names go together well."

"I know, huh?" Carlie was beaming.

"Lucy, how are you?" I asked Lucy.

"I'm fine. Are you still doing weed?"

"No," I said, and I felt proud of it. I felt great. "Are you?"

"No, I stopped when you did."

"That's awesome, Lucy."

"I know!"

I was so glad things were going well. I must have been extra lucky.

* * *

><p>The rest of winter break was uneventful until on Christmas Eve at the mall, I saw Drake.<p>

Drake Dashwood. Perfect name. Six foot two, eyes as blue as the sea, dark blond hair, about thirty years old. Yeah, he was a babe. He also was the worst Trigonometry teacher on the planet, but he was funny and good-looking, so it was all made up for.

He must have been staring back at me, because his eyes were wide as he saw me.

I would have talked to him if my friends weren't there with me. It would have been casual, easy, and overall pretty okay. He would ask how I was doing, and I would reply with a simple answer. He wouldn't talk about the kiss, and I wouldn't have to make things awkward by talking about it, too.

I just couldn't believe that he was there.

"Stop drooling, Bella," Carlie said. "You'll make a mess."

I rolled my eyes and continued to walk past Drake. That was the last time I ever saw him.

* * *

><p>My mother wanted to be with me for Christmas, so I spent the next day in her hotel room with her and Phil. I received an iTunes gift card and a cashmere sweater for Christmas.<p>

Renee was so happy to have me back, even for a little while. I felt guilty for not talking to her for a long time.

I spent the next day with my friends, and the rest of winter break with them, too. Lucy had been invited to a New Year's Eve party thrown by someone at school, and it took a lot of convincing for me to go with her, Carlie, and Kelly, but I did end up going. I'd even packed a dress, just in case.

I barely recognized the people at the party; when I'd lived in Phoenix, I only really knew older kids. Most of the kids in my grade annoyed the shit out of me.

Everybody recognized me, though. Of course.

I saw people whispering to each other, probably about me. They were probably calling me crazy and nasty and stupid. Everybody knew me, and everybody knew what I'd done. They all knew me as the girl that did things for pot and had somebody killed the first time she said no to anyone.

Nobody but my friends knew that I'd changed. I was a different person now. I used to think that it was their problem, but maybe it was mine. Maybe I couldn't handle what was the truth.

There were a couple of guys I recognized at the party, and one danced with me. What was his name again? Tom? Or was it Chad? I couldn't remember his name very well, but I remembered his face.

He must've had too much to drink; he was pretty much grinding on me. His speech was slurred, too.

"Hey, Bella," he said into my ear as he danced on me.

"Hey."

"I missed you."

"It hasn't even been that long."

"I still missed you."

I turned to face him. "You're sweet," I said, "but I have to find my friends." I started walking away, and he grabbed me by the hips, stopping me.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" I asked.

"Don't be like that, baby. I just want to dance."

"Find someone else."

Ugh, drunk people annoyed the shit out of me. I remembered when I used to be that way.

I pried his hands off of me and walked away. God, I did not like parties anymore. Drunks were a joke.

I couldn't find my friends, so I ended up walking back to Lucy's house alone, carrying my heels. Thank God the party was in the same neighborhood.

_How many times do I have to end up walking home alone?_ I asked myself. Walking home in the pale moonlight carrying my heels wasn't something I could get over yet. It had happened in Forks a couple of times, it had happened in Phoenix all the time, and now it was happening again.

I managed to accidentally step on a broken beer bottle on the way to Lucy's house and cut my foot. I was cursing like a sailor and pulling glass out of my foot when I heard an exclamation come from all throughout the neighborhood.

_"Happy New Year!"_

Of course I would be walking home alone feeling like shit right now. My first act of 2010. Resolutions? Make it to Lucy's place, take a bath, and go to sleep.

* * *

><p>My winter break continued to be okay and nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was glad to be catching up with my mother and my friends. All of a sudden, it was time to go home.<p>

I would be flying back to Washington in the afternoon, so I spent most of my morning with Lucy, Carlie, and Kelly.

I would have liked to believe that I hadn't changed a lot over a year, but it turned out, I had. I wasn't sure to be happy or sad about this, so I was just surprised.

As I held the framed photo of Lucy and I, I noticed most of the changes about me. from then and now. It was obvious that his photo had been taken long after when I'd first started giving head for weed and alcohol. I hadn't looked my nicest. What had I been thinking back then?

I looked so different now.

My hair had been so straight back then. I'd been obsessed with straightening it, and also adding highlights. The caramel highlights in this photo of me looked fresh. Now, my hair was just long, wavy, and dark brown. I never bothered with highlights these days.

Another thing I noticed was my makeup. There was a fine line between bold and ridiculous. I did my makeup much better now. Lucy must be so proud.

My body had also looked different back then. I'd been at least two inches shorter at the time of that photo, and skinnier, too, despite getting the munchies a lot. My body image had bounced a lot when I lived in Forks, but I was currently at a shape I could tolerate. I'd been a little girl back then. A little girl with tits that weren't ignored by most people, and would always bother me. Not like I tried to hide them. If I looked better, I'd have a better chance of getting weed, and that was a fact.

I'd dressed very similar to a hooker back then. Teeny dresses that hugged my shape and insane heels I'd always used to fall down in. The girl world was a tough place to be a part of.

But the main thing I noticed about myself was that I'd looked mean. I'd looked like a total bitch. I wasn't America's sweetheart now. Hell no. But I'd looked like the toughest junior you'd ever seen. I remembered getting into fights after school and then walking away when I was done, my head held high as if nothing was wrong. Nobody could take me away from my truth, and nobody could handle mine.

My prerogative had been to be the best, the queen. Me and Lucy and the senior girls were all already a group of degenerate beauty queens, but I was still ranked the highest.

Everybody had thought I was crazy, or nasty, and they had always talked shit about me. I hadn't given a damn, though - I had been a superhuman, or close to one. Nothing and nobody could have touched me. I'd been unbroken for a while. Then the Benjamin incident happened. But aside from that, I'd had power, and quite a lot of it.

I'd also had more enemies than true friends, though I'd had a thousand acquaintances willing to help me when I needed it. Everybody loves you when you give them what they want. Giving people what they wanted had been my life, because I'd known that if I had given them what they'd wanted, I would have gotten what I wanted in return. Everybody has wants and needs. Love was cruel, so I'd never given or received that.

Everybody liked me for giving them what they wanted. My enemies had become irrelevant. I'd only been trying to live. They had needed to let me. I hadn't needed permission to be myself, whoever that really was. I wasn't as established as I'd liked to think that I was.

Lucy sat down next to me on her couch and swiped the photo out of my hands. "Zoning out, huh?" she asked. She stared down at the photo. "Holy crap, we looked different back then." She laughed. "Thank God I retired from my street corner."

I laughed with her. "I'm gonna miss this place."

"You should come back next summer," Kelly said.

"It's a deal," I promised.

* * *

><p>Right before I left, I went to see my old house, just for a quick second, and saw Scarlet, Benjamin's sister, pulling into the driveway of Benjamin's parents' house. I still remembered her. The last time I saw her was at Benjamin's funeral.<p>

I waved at her, and she waved back. I noticed the _For Sale_ sign outside of the house.

Wow. They were finally moving.

I didn't want to hang around for too long at Benjamin's place. I would break down in two seconds.

I wanted to say more to Scarlet, but she looked busy. She also looked like she didn't want to talk to me. Did she know that I was the reason behind Benjamin's death?

My throat was starting to close up and I was starting to panic, so I walked back to Lucy's house.

* * *

><p>Saying goodbye to my friends was less bittersweet this time around. It was still a bit sad, but I had visited again and I felt a little better. I shouldn't be sad about this. I couldn't believe I did it.<p>

My mom took my leaving better this time around, and I was glad that she did.

So the trip wasn't perfect. I enjoyed myself, though. That ought to count for something.

I was actually glad to be back in Forks.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN:_**_ How was that? I know, that chapter was uber-long, but what can I do? Haha, review it, please. I love what you guys have to say._

_Stay cool, love fanfiction,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


	15. Gimme More

_**A/N: **Hello, beautiful people. Destructive Desire is finally back. This chapter would have been put up earlier, but I've been a little busy with other fanfics. I've recently continued a couple of other fanfics, and I'm glad I did. I've had this fanfic on the brain for a looonnnng time (over a year, no kidding). I needed something to get this off of my mind. Anyway, this is the fifteenth chapter of DD, called "Gimme More," inspired by the Britney Spears song. I know, I listen to WAY too much Britney. LAWD, I listen to her too much now. Also, this is sort of a filler chapter, but it sets right up before the next one. In my reviews, I keep getting, "Cool, but where's Edward?" Well, you's gon' find out, honey boo-boo child. _

_Lyrics of inspiration:_

_We can get down like there's no one around  
>We keep on rockin'<br>We keep on rockin, rockin'_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Gimme More<strong>_

* * *

><p>The Wednesday after school started up again was a meeting with Miss Barry. Ashlyn Barry, age twenty-six, blonde hair, blue eyes, about five foot five. I still thought she had better things to be doing.<p>

In a way, I hadn't changed. I was able to talk to people better, and I felt mentally stronger, but my thoughts on Miss Barry hadn't changed. I still thought she had better things to do. Why was counseling her passion? I didn't know, and I never, ever would.

"Because you were in Phoenix over break," Miss Barry started, "how would you like to tell me about your life there, before you moved?"

I froze. She'd never wanted to know about Phoenix before, and I'd never thought she'd ask. "You want me to tell you?" I asked. "From the beginning?"

Miss Barry smiled. "You can start from wherever you want."

I took a deep breath and looked at her straight in the eyes. Her blue eyes were electric and piercing. This was easier now. Talking to her was so much easier.

"Everything was perfect until I started my junior year," I said. "I mean, after I did, things were even better, for a little while."

"What made things better?"

I smiled to myself at the memories. I could smell the summery air and smoke and boys right now. Smelled like heaven to me. "A guy," I said.

"How did this guy make you feel?"

"Incredible, honestly. We -" Then I stopped myself. No. I couldn't go there. She'd tell Charlie and I'd really be dead.

"You what?" Miss Barry prompted.

"Wait, you won't tell my dad, right?"

She shook her head. "I can't. We've been over this before, Bella."

"Well, me and the guy used to get high all the time. We did weed, like, every night. And it felt amazing."

"Did you see this guy in Phoenix over winter break?"

Oh God. God, no. Please. I couldn't cry here. No fucking way. No. Ugh. The fuck. I shook my head and looked down at my nails. Boom. I was at Square One again. No eye contact. I was such a scared little bitch.

"Why not?" she asked softly.

My voice broke as I told her. "He's dead."

Miss Barry and I were quiet for a while.

"He died in a car accident," I added.

Miss Barry said, "That wasn't your fault, Bella."

It was, though. It was my fault, and I'd thought that visiting Phoenix would give me closure from it all. It hadn't.

"We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, Bella," Miss Barry said.

"Good, because I won't."

She sighed, and then smiled again. "Wanna tell me about your last visit, over break?"

"Sure, why not? Do you want to know anything in particular?"

Her eyes pierced into mine. "What did you do?" she asked.

"I hung out with old friends, went shopping, you know... It was fun." I'd lied. I hadn't had that much fun and it wasn't that easy-going.

"You enjoyed yourself?"

_No, not really. _"Yes."

"What was your favorite part?"

_Nothing, really. _"I can't pick just one."

"I'm glad you had fun, dear."

_Don't call me "dear." _"Me, too."

The meeting ended effectively pretty soon, and there was still lunch time left. There really wasn't much to do.

Angela walked with me to our next class, and she tried to start a conversation, but I didn't really pay attention. What a bitch I was. Some things would never change.

* * *

><p>"Wanna get out of here?" Jacob asked.<p>

We were in his living room, where there was a person in every single spot to sit or stand. Everybody just ate food and laughed and talked, totally forgetting the reason why we were here. It was Jacob's birthday. He'd only invited a couple of people, but they'd invited a couple of people, but they'd invited a couple of people, and _they'd_ invited a couple of people, and so on and so forth.

The house was totally overcrowded. If it wasn't snowing as much as it was - and there was _a lot_ of snow - the party would have been taken outside a long time ago.

So, of course, I wanted to get away with Jake. We didn't really have anywhere to go and get some privacy, so we ended up in the garage. We were alone there, though. The second we were in his garage, located in the trees away from his house, I kissed him."Happy Birthday, hun." I said.

He smiled and said, "Do I get a present for turning seventeen?"

I smiled at him. "Of course."

I felt so electric and alive that I wasn't at all nervous when I slipped off my shirt and dropped it to the ground. Jake leaned against the Rabbit, watching me in awe. I wondered why he seemed so surprised. I couldn't understand why; he'd seen me stripped before. He'd even seen me naked. Still, I didn't mind taking my bra off.

I grabbed his hair and pressed myself to him, my legs wrapped around his hips. "I love you," he whispered. I kissed him again, and I was feeling even more electric. I could have been sizzling on a snare. Jake took his shirt off, too, and our bare chests were touching. He felt me sensually and slowly as his mouth explored mine.

"You drive me so fucking crazy, Bells," he murmured into my mouth. I moaned his name as my hand moved down to the zipper of his jeans.

I fumbled with the button and zipper, but I soon had his jeans unzipped, my hand feeling him under his jeans. He groaned and grabbed my ass, his breathing harder, as well as other things. "Oh my God, hurry, Bella," he panted. I kissed him again and then went down to my knees as Jake was still up against the rabbit. Jake was sweating, I pulled his jeans and briefs down, looked up at him, and smiled.

*.*.*

Maybe it was a bad idea to go down on Jake here, maybe not. It was his fucking birthday. He wanted this, and I wanted him to be happy above all, especially when he had shit excuses friends that didn't even hang out with him on his birthday. It was unfortunate how one of those shit excuses for a friend just had to interrupt us now, right when I was finished with sucking Jacob off. He'd already came, and I was swallowing every drip of him.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" someone exclaimed.

* * *

><p>This was such a strange afternoon. I spent the rest of the day wondering if I just had shit luck, or someone was out to get me.<p>

_Of course_ Paul had found Jake and I in the garage.

_Of course_ I had to go back to the house, embarrassed as fuck.

_Of course_ my father gave me strange looks.

Paul didn't tell my father, or Jake's father, either, thank God. Nobody needed to know about me being stupid and going the extra mile at the party. Ugh.

* * *

><p>The ringing of my cell phone woke me up the next morning. I looked at the caller ID, and I didn't recognize the number. The call was coming from Concord, New Hampshire. I answered the phone, and a distinct, "Hello, Bella" sent chills down my spine. Was that...? No, it couldn't be. He'd promised to never deal with me again.<p>

"Who is this?" I asked slowly.

"Come on, you know who this is," the person said, annoyed.

And then I did know who it was. I definitely knew, and it made me want to throw up. I hung up the phone before I could hear another word from Edward Cullen.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Dun. Dun. DUNNNNNN. Haha, and that's the fifteenth chapter, "Gimme More." What'd you think? Active reviewers are the absolute best._

_Thank you,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


	16. You Know I'm No Good

_**A/N: **Hello, my lovelies. Originally, I was going to stop for a while after the last chapter, because I'm getting my laptop taken away for a bit, but I continued to write and managed to spawn a new chapter of Destructive Desire. Yes, I did post two chapters in one day. I couldn't contain myself. (If you didn't catch the chapter before this, read it.) And can I just say, I have such a great audience? You guys are the best. And now, I present you with, "You Know I'm No Good," inspired by the Amy Winehouse song of the same name (RIP, Amy.)_

_Lyrics of inspiration:_

_Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy  
><em>_He's in a place but I can't get joy  
><em>_Thinking on you in the final thrones_  
><em>This is where my buzzer goes<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>You Know I'm No Good<strong>_

* * *

><p>Edward Cullen did not stop calling me.<p>

He always called, especially in the middle of the night, and he always tried to carry a conversation with me. It never worked. I thought about him too much to ignore him. It was almost impossible to ignore him.

_Almost_.

He called me twice in a row one day, after I ignored one of his calls. That was when I asked him to leave me alone for good. He got mad, but eventually agreed. We really didn't need each other in the other's life.

Or so I thought.

* * *

><p>Almost two months had passed since I'd told Edward not to call me anymore, and life had returned to normal.<p>

I got to know Jacob even more. I wasn't at all prepared to leave him. We'd become even closer. We'd had sex before - lots of it. I was in love with him. I'd overcome pretty much everything from my past, and I was glad that I did.

Jacob was a gift from the gods, and I was grateful to have him. Words really could not cover how much I loved him. Him and me just fit each other.

Jacob was leaving my house on a Friday that March, when I got a call on my cell phone. The number was familiar. It was Edward. I quickly ignored the call and then hugged and kissed Jacob goodbye.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I told Jake.

"The garage?" he asked.

I nodded. "Like always."

When he left, I looked at my phone, and I had one missed call and one missed message. Both from Edward. I didn't listen to the message.

I decided to take a shower to get my mind off of things, and it worked. I was frightened, though, when I heard the doorbell ring right when I got out of the shower. Wrapped in a towel, I went downstairs and glanced into the peephole. My heard dropped.

It was Edward.

Edward fucking Cullen.

Edward Cullen standing on my front porch, smoking a cigarette. Ugh, that fucking James Dean wannabe.

"Hold a minute," I called. Then I ran upstairs to my room, threw on underwear, a t-shirt, and shorts, and ran back downstairs. When I opened the door, he was still there, still smoking.

"Bella."

I didn't know what to say or do.

In fact, no, I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to punch him the face and the chest and everywhere and kick him in the head so he would experience just a tiny bit of the pain that he'd put me through. He deserved that at the very least. I'd gotten over him for good and here he was. It wasn't fair.

I was furious. I was heartbroken. I was disgusted.

I was also intrigued.

"Aren't you gonna say 'welcome back'?"

I wanted to punch him, _so bad_.

"What do you want, Edward?"

"I wanna know why you're being a bitch to me."

I stepped outside and closed the door. "What the fuck are you doing here, Edward?"

"My dad hates me, I barely got to see Rosalie and Jasper, and I got sick of it." He finished his cigarette and started another one.

"Why did you decide to come back here?" I asked. "And I'd rather you not smoke here. Charlie would think I started."

"I can smoke if I want, it's a free country," he sneered. "And I came back because my mom wanted me back, anyway."

"What made you decide to come to _my_ house?"

"I thought you wanted to see me."

I crossed my arms. "Are you delusional?"

"Are _you_ stupid?"

"I'm serious, Edward. Did you really think I'd take you back?"

"Why not?"

"Edward, I've moved on!"

"Oh, really?" he asked in a challenging tone.

"I really have. It's not fair for you to come back like this."

"Well, if you moved on, I can leave you alone."

"Edward, you have _never_ left me alone." He liked to control me too much for that.

He laughed. "You're right. What, are you dating someone right now?"

"I actually am," I said.

He laughed again. "They must be an idiot."

"No, he's not. He's better than you have ever been."

"You can forget him now that I'm here. You don't need him."

"I think I do."

"Right, Bella. Of course you don't."

"You don't get it, Edward! You just don't get it. You've put me through so much. I'm done with you. Can't you accept that?"

"Bella, you need me."

I shook my head. "I don't need anybody." I turned and started opening the door again. A hand caught mine, stopping it, and I turned to see Edward standing there, his eyes red. He really hadn't gotten better-looking in the face. He'd gotten muscular, sure, but he looked like a mess up close. He must have been into drugs or alcohol or something. I could even smell some alcohol in his breath, along with the cigarettes.

"You smell like crap," I told him. "Let me go."

Instead, he turned me around and gripped my arms forcefully. So forcefully it hurt. "Come on, Bella."

"Stop."

"Give me a chance."

"No."

"Wanna start over?"

"No. I want you to stay out of my life."

"We should start over."

I was quiet this time.

"Break up with whoever the fuck you're with," he told me. "And everything will be fine."

I was still quiet.

"Tell me you'll break up with him."

"Okay."

Edward kissed me, and I was disgusted. His sloppy kisses weren't things that I missed. I tried to break away but he wouldn't let me. He held my head to his. He really didn't know the first thing about passion.

There was no way in hell that I would break up with Jacob for Edward. Never. But what he wouldn't know certainly would not kill him.

* * *

><p>Jacob didn't exactly take me breaking up with him that well. He was surprised, more than anything. But I knew that if I couldn't convince myself, I'd slip up in front of Edward. I needed to break up with Jacob.<p>

I fed him lies, like how I wasn't into anything with him anymore, and I felt horrible. It was all bullshit. I _loved_ being with Jacob. I loved him in general. Breaking up with him hurt me even though it wasn't even real.

Edward was somewhat happy after I did, though. He'd waited for me in his car, down the road. It was stupid how he insisted on being nearby.

Once I got back in his car, he smiled and said, "Thanks."

_No fucking problem._

Edward didn't drive me home. I didn't want to know of the things running through his twisted, dark, dangerous mind. He took me straight to his house, as much as I didn't want to go. He really hadn't changed for the better at all. Funny how he had six months to do so, yet nothing happened.

* * *

><p>I felt absolutely horrible as I lay in bed with Edward, the ex-boyfriend from hell, half an hour later. I felt dirty and stupid and gross.<p>

And controlled.

I didn't like that feeling.

I didn't like anything about Edward, and the horrible thing was, I was stuck with him - yet again. I was so afraid of the things he could do to himself, or me, or anyone, really, if I said no to him, so I never said no. If I told someone about us, they would have asked, "Well, why don't you just leave him?"

I couldn't.

I was scared.

Before we'd broken up, I'd thought I could handle everything. I'd thought I could take him on.

I had only just realized how bad it was. I had no power. I'd never had power. And I hated that.

I hadn't only cheated Jacob. I hadn't only cheated Edward for not breaking up with Jake when I was supposed to.

I had also cheated myself.

Was it possible for a human being to be this ashamed of herself?

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN:_**_ Ta-da! What did you guys think?_

_Stay strong, don't be destructive,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


	17. Heavy Metal Lover

_Hi, guys! It feels like it's been forever since I've given you that double feature of Destructive Desire. I was thinking of uploading two chapters today, but I decided not to, since this chapter isn't really that short. Oh well, I hope you'll like it! Expect double chapters soon - I'm at a "crunch time" point of this fanfic. A lot happens this week, in the timeline. I'm excited to share the madness. And, don't be so stunned at the new perspective change. I was going to have Edward tell the story a lot earlier, but I kept pushing it back. Finally, I've grown the ovaries to write in the perspective of a character that doesn't have... er, ovaries. This chapter was inspired by one of my favorite songs ever, "Heavy Metal Lover" by Lady Gaga. I live and breathe that song. Now, I'll stop ranting. Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Heavy Metal Lover<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Edward's perspective<strong>

_Why did I even decide talk to Bella Swan in the first place?_

That was the only thing I could ask myself as I held her close to me as we entered the packed house party. Someone had invited me, because hey, I was popular now. Nobody remembered who I used to be. Everybody knew who I was now.

I was Edward Cullen. Good-looking, fun, nice to be around. Hell yeah, fucking right. I was the shit. I'd earned my leather. Nobody had really accepted me before I moved.

And I had Bella back.

Not sure whether to be happy about that or not.

I loved her, though. Of course I did.

But she was stupid. She never listened. I wanted her to listen to me, and she never did. Damn, she was stupid.

However, I was determined to make this night better than our previous ones. Bella didn't seem like the partying type (then again, what did _I_ know about how she was when I was gone?), but hopefully she'd like this.

The party was at full blast when we got there. Loud music was playing, people were socializing, nobody paid attention to me... perfect.

Bella abandoned me in two minutes. Drinks were more important than me, I realized. I'd been the best thing to ever happen to her, then I moved, and came back. And here she was, choosing alcohol over me. And lots of it, at that.

I spent most of the party alone, until I found her outside on the lawn, topless and drunk, dancing to a completely different beat of the music. She looked like an absolute fool, and so did the people around her, yelling and drinking.

"Bella, what the fuck are you doing?" I asked, pulling her out of the group.

"Let g-go," she said, "I'm having fun."

"You're making a fool out of yourself, Bella."

"Shut the fuck up!" she exclaimed. "Have a drink." She handed me her empty bottle of beer.

"I'll pass." I started walking away.

"Edward, be with me," she called. I turned around. She looked so confused, so lost. Poor thing. "I love you, I want you."

She was so damn dramatic. I wanted to give up on her like I had before. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. I didn't know why. I put my arm around her and walked her back inside. "Come on, let's go."

_What the hell_, I decided.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella's perspective<strong>

"_Edward_," I moaned. "Drink something."

We were in the kitchen, and I was sitting on the counter, since I seemed to trip every time I walked. I must have been drunk.

Edward had only about two drinks that night. What a pussy.

"Sorry, I don't like being stupid."

What? He must have been lying to himself. He was one of the dumbest guys I knew. He was stupid and wrong and all kinds of bad.

But I wanted him. He was everything. He was nothing and everything at the same time. Nothing that I needed, everything that I wanted now. A taste of bad, a slither of danger. I had a bad desire.

I smiled at him. "You're finally home," I said, flirtatious. "And you have me back. I'm the best fucking thing that ever happened to... to you. Let's c-celebrate."

"Just one drink," he finally said.

"Just one?"

"Just one."

_What the hell._

* * *

><p>Edward and I were on fire an hour later. He'd had way more than just one drink.<p>

I could feel my heart pounding. I could hear the thuds in my ears. And I knew I shouldn't be doing this. But it was too late now.

I was drinking more and more with Edward. Doing things I wasn't supposed to do, raising hell in the streets, not caring... oh, I could fly. The photos would probably end up in front of the wrong eyes, but that hadn't occurred to me then. I was behaving recklessly, and nothing would make it stop. Nothing besides death, of course.

We'd walked to the park to get away from everything, and Edward blew my mind when he kissed me. He kissed me as if he hadn't seen me in a trillion years, and it sure did feel like it. Those six months of him being gone weren't the best... but they still weren't the worst. I tried not to think of Jacob.

Edward stopped kissing me to gulp down the rest of his beer, the liquid running down his neck. Then he folded the can in his hand and dropped it. With his hands all over me, he kissed me again.

As we headed back to the party, I realized that I hadn't been this intoxicated before. Not in Phoenix (maybe), not one of my times with Edward before this, never.

We didn't make it as far to the party, but he pinned me up against his car to kiss me again, and the world was mine. I felt like I ruled the entire world. I certainly ruled Edward.

Everything was pulsing hot and fast. I fucking loved it. No regrets. It didn't matter if a group did it better or not. I had Edward.

How long had it been (and how many drinks had I had?) when my legs were wrapped around Edward's waist as he clumsily set me down in the passenger seat of his car, his mouth on mine? I didn't know, but I did know what was soon going to happen.

I didn't anticipate on Edward reaching into the glove department for some needles, though.

"What the fuck is that?" I asked.

"Black tar."

Heroin. Right. "That's not like weed, is it?"

He shook his head. "Nah, weed makes you tired."

"I don't get it."

"Why sink into the ground, when you can fly?"

* * *

><p><em>Damn<em>, I thought as my eyes fluttered open the next morning. _What happened?_

For one thing, I was in a huge bathtub with a shirtless Edward and three other people I didn't know. Also, I was wearing only my bra, liquid leggings (which had an undone button), and one boot. To make things even more interesting, it was broad daylight, and Charlie would _kill _me.

And did I mention that my head was _pounding_? It was pounding so hard that I felt like it was going to explode at any given moment. Well, there was that, too.

I lightly elbowed Edward in the shoulder. "Hey, wake up," I whispered.

"What time's it?" he murmured.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't even have my phone on me."

"Shit."

"Let's go." I got up, and he followed me, too, tiptoeing past the sleeping party guests. I stopped and turned to him. "After I find my shirt and my other boot, though," I added.

"Just hurry the fuck up."

_Asshole_.

With my head still pulsing fast and hard, I found my things both in the trashed living room. A boy who looked about my age or a year younger was picking up empty bottles of liquor and stuffing them into a trash can. "Get out of here," he told me, "and take your boyfriend with you. My parents are coming home later."

"I was just getting to that."

Dressed and ready to leave, I went out to Edward's parked Volvo. He was already in the car, waiting for me.

He zoomed away from the neighborhood once I was in the car.

I struggled to find anything to say, but when I did, I asked, "How was New Hampshire?"

"A pain in the ass," Edward sneered. "My dad wouldn't stay off my back, and I only saw Rosalie and Jasper twice, at Thanksgiving and Christmas."

"I'm sorry, babe."

Yeah, that didn't do much. Another awkward silence ensued.

"You know, Edward," I began, "after you had sex with me and left last September, everybody knew it. Everyone was pissed at you for, like, a week."

And that was not a lie. Apparently, Edward had told his entire Facebook audience what we had done the second he left my house that night. And when he'd left, everybody had called him an asshole. Nobody spoke to me about it, but they vented on Facebook, the sacred temple of high school gossip.

Edward scoffed. "I think it's time for you to get over it."

"But it was still wrong."

"It happened... what, half a year ago? Get the fuck over it. You're being a bitch about it."

"Whatever," I mumbled.

Edward dropped me off at home soon, and I realized that some of the meanest and most troubled people could be the happiest and most carefree drunks. It broke my heart.

* * *

><p>I tried sneaking into the house. It didn't work.<p>

Charlie was sitting in the living room, waiting for me.

_Oh shit_.

I sat down on the couch carefully, trying to come up with ways to explain myself. I had nothing.

"Where were you?" Charlie asked. _It's like he's testing me._

"Out." _Great answer, Bella. Four for you, Bella. You go, Bella. Not._

"Out where?" _Yeah, totally a test._

"A party." _A fest of drinking, nudity, and heroin, actually, but a party at the very least. I could have said I was studying, you know._

"With who?" _He knows that I know which answer he wants. Jacob, of course. Fuck that, I'm going to be honest for once._

"With Edward." _My mouth is going to get me in trouble some day._

"Edward Cullen?" _Oh God, if he doesn't lose his cool now he's gonna explode and I'm not gonna clean it up._

"Yeah. He's back in town." _Back in trouble, too._

"Why didn't you tell me you were going out, and why are you just getting home now, at nine-thirty in the morning?"

He had to be kidding. Nine-thirty? I glanced at the clock, and it was clear that Charlie wasn't exaggerating.

"I thought you wouldn't care," I said.

"Were you drinking?" _Forget being Dad. Chief Swan's in the building._

"I look like shit, don't I?"

"Don't use that tone with me." _Feisty police dad is being feisty. _

"Well, I was drinking. It's obvious. Okay?"

"And where was Jacob?" he demanded.

"I don't even know. I'm not seeing him anymore."

"Why?"

"I'm dating Edward again, so I broke up with Jake."

"Why?" He seemed genuinely surprised.

"What else could I do, Dad?"

"I don't know, maybe _not_ break up with Jake?"

I sighed. "It's really complicated."

"Well, I think what you did is pretty rude, considering what you've done with Jake."

I stiffened. "What are you even talking about."

Charlie's face looked like he was about to tell me something wildly awkward. How right I was. "Bells, don't hate me, but Billy's told me he's seen condom wrappers in Jake's room as well as other parts of their house. And, uh, I've seen a couple used ones in the bathroom trash bin here, too."

"Seriously?" _Nice one, Bella. Did you really think he'd be lying about this? Look at his face!_

"Yeah. And I would have rather preferred for you and Jake _not_ to go that far, but things happen. It's two-thousand ten, after all. It's just wrong to leave him like that, Bells. Sex is an emotional thing, and - "

"I'm sorry, Dad," I interrupted, "but that did happen, and I did break up with Jake. And I am dating Edward now. That's just the way things will have to be. But better safe than sorry, you know?" I stood up, getting ready to go upstairs.

"And where do you think you're going?"

"Upstairs. I'm tired, and I need to shower. We can play Twenty Questions later."

"But, Bella - "

I was already on my way upstairs, and I was not turning back.

* * *

><p>Facebook was a funny thing.<p>

Every teenager had it. Every teenager used it. That was how high school students functioned. Aside from the ever-changing spectrum of requests from Mallville, Farmville, or Some-Other-Shitville, Facebook got information around, above all. That was how gossip of Forks High School was spread when we weren't at school, whether we were on summer vacation, winter break, or anything else. Spring break would begin the next day, Monday, and from what I saw, I was the star of it already.

Ridiculous photos of me were strewn all over my home page. Not just from the party, but everywhere. A couple were even from Phoenix. There were stupid photos, revealing photos, photos that I was entirely ashamed of. It was like someone had kept a file of me for who knows how long, and leaked everything to the public. It could have been more than one person, even. There were photos from Phoenix included, after all.

I felt naked.

This wasn't funny. This wasn't sexy or cute or endearing. This was wrong. I was wrong, too, but the person who first spread these photos was even more wrong. What had I done to them? What had I done to _anyone_? It didn't make sense.

I already had an iffy reputation in Forks. Everyone thought I was nice, but not nice enough to get to know. That was hitting the danger zone. That somewhat nice girl image was shed now, though.

Now everybody would see what I was seeing on my computer screen, every time they saw me.

And there were the comments, too, of course. Some people couldn't believe that was me. Others weren't surprised.

I was done. My name was mud. My reputation was even more tarnished. I could get into serious trouble for this. I'd read too many articles on people getting suspended, or kicked from sports teams, or losing their jobs, all because of a photo. And there I was, in much more than one photo, in my exposed, intoxicated glory. I had a feeling this wouldn't go unnoticed.

Was there anything about me that hadn't been ruined here?

* * *

><p>I took a long, hot shower, and didn't feel relaxed when I got out; I felt even more edgy. Charlie called me downstairs, and I knew I couldn't refuse this time.<p>

I sat on the couch again as he sat on his recliner.

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked him.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore."

I felt like I was going to throw up. If he saw the photos, I was _done_. I knew there was no way he couldn't in those last thirty minutes, but stuff got around quickly in Forks. Even quicker with the Internet.

"What?" I asked.

"Bella, you can't stay with me in Forks."

"What are you even saying?"

"You may be able to pull this crap with your mother, but not with me."

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Florida is not going to help me. The last time you suggested I move with Mom was when I just got out of the hospital. If that can happen here, who says that can't happen in Florida?"

"You're better now. That shouldn't happen in Florida."

"You can't guarantee I won't take a million sleeping pills again."

"Bella, all I'm saying is that maybe you can straighten yourself out in Florida."

I shook my head. "I don't think I can. Besides, I have _everything_ here. I'm not moving. I'm just fine."

"You were drinking, Bella."

"But I kept it under control, Dad!" Well, that was the end of Honesty Hour.

"Being intoxicated can make you do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do."

_Oh, the photos proved that already. _"Well, I'm sorry."

Charlie's face turned red. "But, Bella, I know you think you're responsible, and it looks like you've been responsible with Jake, but please, if you're going to have sex, be wise."

"What makes you think I won't be wise?" I demanded.

"Edward seems like trouble."

"Well, he's better now. And there is no need to worry. I've always been safe, and I will continue to do so." That was another lie. The words _condom_, _protection_, and _consequences_ - three very important words - had never been in Edward's vocabulary. It was funny how Jacob, who was younger than him, knew these things, and Edward didn't. I wondered if Edward fucked anyone in New Hampshire. He probably did.

"Can I go up to my room now?" I asked Charlie.

He sighed. "Go."

I quickly went upstairs and shut my door tightly.

I sat on my bed, contemplating what the hell to do with my life. I started with the Edward issue.

Edward was back in my life, and he wouldn't be leaving again any time soon. We had already started having sex again. It was really scary knowing that I could easily get a disease (because only God knew where Edward's dick had been), or even pregnant. But I didn't want to think about that.

What was the next issue to think about? Oh, my job. Of course. I would probably be fired soon, whether it had to do with the photos, or that I hadn't been showing up recently, and if I did I was late, or any combination of the three.

Okay, I couldn't do this. I had enough issues. Even though it was only about ten in the morning, I fell asleep. I was exhausted. I had to tell myself over and over not to worry.

* * *

><p>I slept an empty, dreamless sleep and woke up at five-thirty in the evening. I was starving.<p>

I went downstairs to the kitchen to find something to eat, but it looked like Charlie had ordered pizza, something he rarely did on Sundays. I found a note next to the box:

_Help yourself to some pizza. I'll be back from fishing later._

_Charlie._

No "I love you", no "Take care, sweetie", nothing.

He must have left a long time ago; the pizza wasn't at all warm when I took it out to heat it up in the microwave.

Later, I was bored. So because Charlie was gone, I decided to call Edward. He couldn't have been doing much.

"Hey," I said. "You should come over." He would never refuse.

"When?" he asked.

"Now. I think we should talk."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **And that's what happens when you listen to Lady Gaga. Why do I get the impression that this is turning into a crackfic? Haha, it's fun, though. And this is an appreciation sentence for my fabulous readers. I love you all. Now, what did you think? Write that review and send it. You know how much that helps me? It helps A LOT. Also, I have a few questions for y'all:_

_-What do you think of Edward's return? Like? Dislike? Don't care? Etcetera?_

_-What did you think of Edward's perspective?_

_-Do you actually listen to the songs these chapters are named after (be honest)?_

_-What do you think so far of the story, as a whole?_

_-Would you like a sequel? Sorry, rhetorical question, this one's not even close to over and there won't be a sequel. (To those that know the ending, keep it zipped; no spoilers allowed!)_

_And yeah, that's it for this chapter's survey._

_Fly a kite, read a book, don't cry about the Robsten scandal,_

_MTL_


	18. Kids :: We Found Love

_**A/N: **Heeeeey, guys! I spent hours today busting my ass trying to write this chapter. I think the last chapter scared people away. Maybe it was just Edward's perspective. Well, I'm not done writing this yet. So, ha. I'm gonna make this author's note short, since this chapter really isn't short. This is a sort-of-fun chapter, starting the same day the last chapter ended. Like, fifteen minutes later. This chapter was inspired by Sleigh Bells' "Kids" and Rihanna's "We Found Love." Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Kids :: We Found Love<strong>_

* * *

><p>When Edward got to my window, I let him in. <em>Just like I did with Jake.<em> I immediately shoved the thoughts of Jacob out of my mind, as much as I didn't want to.

Edward and I sat on my bed, and after moments of silence, I said, "I think we should start using protection."

"Cool, let's start." He lay back on my bed, his hands behind his head.

I turned back to him. "I'm serious, Edward."

"And so am I."

"But we haven't used condoms before."

"There are other ways. I can just... you know, pull out. You're on the Pill, right?"

"Uh, no."

His expression twisted into a disgusted look. "What the fuck, Bella!?" he yelled.

"What?"

"You're, like, eighteen yet you don't know how to use birth control?"

_As if you're being any smarter. _"I'm so sorry," I whispered, hot tears streaking down my face.

"You should be."

I sniffled. "I think you should get out."

"What? I just got here. No."

"No? Get the fuck out, _now_."

"Look, Bella, I'm sorry. Please. I'll make it up to you."

"Edward, I don't -"

He didn't give me time to finish. He quickly sat up and put his lips to mine. I tried to pull away from him, but he grabbed my jaw with his hand and held me there. I thrashed my arms at him, but he wouldn't let go of me. The only thing I could do was wait until he was finished.

When he was finally done kissing me, I wiped my mouth with the back of my handed and muttered, "Asshole."

"It's not my fault you can't take a pill."

"That has nothing to do with it," I sneered.

"Bella -"

"Leave."

"But -"

Wow, it looked like he was trying to explain himself. "You don't have to go home, but you have to leave my house."

"Look, do you wanna shoot up or not?"

I paused, considering if I want to. I didn't have to, though. I knew my answer. "You're kidding."

"No, I'm not."

"Show me."

And so very carefully, Edward slipped out a familiar needle from his pocket.

I looked down at it and then up at Edward. "Hurry."

* * *

><p>In minutes I had heroin in my system, and I was higher than a fucking kite.<p>

My mind wasn't my own anymore. It had gotten up, packed its bags, and went far, far away from here. There was no gravity or logic or sense of right and wrong anymore. I wouldn't have cared if my mind ever came back again, though.

Edward and I had this pull on each other, it seemed. We just needed each other, in some of the most natural - and unnatural - ways possible. We always had. We needed each other like a drug, and without each other, we would mentally fall apart. It was an ugly, destructive desire we had for each other.

So, because I was high on heroin and drunk off Edward, I couldn't find the strength to resist Edward - or his body. So much for protection talks.

Edward and I had pretty much been to the moon and back, and were laying naked in my bed, kind of peacefully, when I heard someone unlocking the front door downstairs. _Shit. Charlie._

"Crap!" I whispered to Edward. "Hurry up, hide in the closet! _Hurry!_"

"Got it, got it." Edward stood and walked to my small walk-in closet. He shut the door quietly. I got in my bed under the covers, I heard the front door shut and then footsteps going upstairs. I prayed that Charlie wouldn't ask what I was doing laying down in the dark at six in the evening. I tried to keep my breathing even, which was hard because I was so high.

When I was sure that Charlie wasn't near my room anymore, I told Edward he could come out now. He came out into my bedroom, naked, and I pulled him down onto the bed with me. "That was close," I whispered.

"Mmm." He kissed me.

It was sad how weak Edward was, but I wasn't any different. We were two weak people, too afraid to do any decent kind of talking. We talked with our bodies, and they were conversing well.

From the books I'd read and the movies I'd seen, I had discovered that, supposedly, sex changes things in a relationship - a lot. Why wasn't that the case with Edward and I? I knew our first time meant nothing, but still. Six months had passed and nothing had happened. I knew I shouldn't have lied to myself this long, but drugs deceived things and totally twisted my thoughts. Ugh, crazy people like me and Edward shouldn't be allowed to take drugs. One thing was clear, though: heroin was my new best friend.

But... but... had Edward and I ever had a sober, fully-clothed, honest-to-God conversation that hadn't included sex as an accompanying activity? I couldn't remember if we ever did. Were we ever genuinely happy with each other while sober? I couldn't remember a time that we were. Sex was supposed to make a difference; sex was supposed to mean something. But, with Edward and I, it wasn't important.

Did Edward and I share a _true love_, as the dreamers called it?

Guess not.

And of course, this only made me miss Jacob even more. Jacob was such a light in my life. Now he was gone. He'd been overshadowed by the darkness of Edward, only because I'd decided to be stupid and actually break up with Jake. I wondered if he'd take me back. Still accept me for the mess that I was. If he could fix me once, why couldn't he do it again?

* * *

><p>I woke up alone and naked in my bed the next morning at almost nine-thirty. I was cursing at my alarm clock for not waking me up earlier.<p>

It took me five minutes of panicking, thinking that I was really, really late to school when in actuality, I didn't have school today. Or the next day, or the one after that, or a few others. It was spring break. Damn, how could I forget?

Yet I had nothing to do. The sad thing was, it was exceptionally warm outside.

I considered calling up Jacob later that morning, and I almost did, but then I hung up and the first ring, nervous as shit. I had done this three times and paced around my kitchen for who knows how long, when I finally decided to stop being a cowardly whore and call him.

As a surprise to me, he answered. I was relieved. "Bella?"

"Yeah, it's Bella. Are you on spring break?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Mm-hmm. What are you doing right now?" Wow, wasn't I the party girl.

"Nothing. About to eat breakfast. Why?"

"I'll be over as soon as I can. Don't eat; I'll take you out to breakfast. Then we should go swimming."

"Okay, but what about...?"

"Oh, it's fine. I broke up with Edward yesterday."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I did. See you soon." I hung up.

Edward and I being broken up was a little white lie, but it couldn't hurt anyone, right?

* * *

><p>It was five minutes to ten o'clock when I pulled my truck to Jacob's house. I felt like I was home again. Billy answered the door, and even as I knew that he'd never look at him the same way since I'd had sex with his son over three times and we'd apparently broken up, I still smiled and said, "Hello."<p>

"It's been a while since we've seen you around here." Oh, right, he definitely wouldn't look at me the same way ever again. Maybe he'd forgive, but would he forget? Nah.

"I know," I said. "I've been here and there." I stepped inside the house. "Jake's here, right?"

"Yeah."

As if on cue, Jacob walked up to me, looking sexy as fuck, and he hugged me. _My God_, it felt good. I had missed Jacob so much. _He _was the one I wanted. Billy chuckled and wheeled himself to the living room.

When Jake let me go, I smiled and said, "Let's get out of here."

Once we were outside, I kissed Jacob. I kissed him hard, as if I hadn't seen him in years. I vaguely remembered December as we leaned against my truck and kissed. It wasn't snowing this time; it was sunny and warm. The feelings were the same, though. I still felt the way that I had back then, as if nothing had changed. And, the way I felt about him hadn't changed. Not one bit.

"I missed you," he whispered.

"I missed you, too."

I laced my fingers to his, and I stood so close to him. I could nearly feel his heart beating right by mine, and I knew I couldn't deny anything. In that instant, I knew that we had found love again. I kissed Jacob like it was our first time kissing. It was electrifying, fascinating, to do this again. He whispered my name as his mouth trailed along my jaw. I loved the way he said my name. I felt alive again to know that he still cared about me. He was probably broken, and I'd probably be reminded of that later, but we were together again. We had each other. That was enough for me.

He kissed me back and I parted my lips more, allowing his tongue to find its way into my mouth. I wrapped my legs around his so we could be closer. "I love you," I murmured. "I love you so much."

"Maybe we should start driving," he said. "My dad might come out here."

I nodded. "Okay."

* * *

><p>"So, what are you in the mood for?" I asked Jacob as I drove in no particular direction. I just tried to go as away from La Push and Forks as we could. I wanted Jacob all to myself. I didn't want Edward on my back, I didn't want Jake's friends around. I wanted Jacob. I wanted to enjoy myself and be a kid and have fun.<p>

I wasn't sure if I had enough gas to drive to Canada, but I found myself at a small diner with Jacob. After ordering, as I sat down with Jake, I sighed. "Sorry that took so long," I said.

"It was only about an hour and a half, right?"

"Right."

"Doesn't matter. I like long car rides. Don't be sorry."

I laughed softly. "We're always telling each other we're sorry, aren't we?

Jake grinned that beautiful grin that I knew and loved. "Yeah, a little bit. Being sorry is a waste of time.

"So you're quoting me now?" I remembered saying those words about being sorry a while ago, back before things got complicated.

"Yup. But seriously, what is the point of being sorry?"

"Being forgiven. Everybody likes that."

"But I've always forgiven you."

I sighed again. "I guess you're right. Not like you're ever not.

"Stop, you're making me blush." He chuckled.

I smiled and ran a hand through my hair, "That's my job."

Our food came soon, and I watched as Jacob ate his food, which was _a lot_ of food. Damn. He hadn't changed a bit. I even ate my food. I hadn't eaten a lot in the last couple of days, partly because of comments from Edward, partly from me not ever feeling like it.

"Good, huh?" I asked.

Jake nodded. "It is." He was right. The food wasn't half bad. I'd ordered French toast, and they were pretty good.

Once we were done, we were back in my truck, headed to First Beach. Jake had brought swimming trunks with him, and I was wearing my swimsuit under my clothes, so we didn't have to stop anywhere.

I cranked the radio up and rolled my window down. I felt great. Everything was just perfect.

* * *

><p>"God, it is so pretty here," I said as Jacob and I walked hand-in-hand on First Beach. We were trying to find our special spot. I felt sort of like a kid again, going with my best friend to find our secret hiding place.<p>

"You've been here a thousand times, though," he said.

"It still takes my breath away every time."

"I guess."

First Beach was surprisingly full. Either way, we'd have to walk a long way to find our spot, the driftwood log which had been our spot since... well, ever.

We eventually found it, and I managed to get a load of Jake's face as I took off my jeans and top in front of him, revealing my one-piece swimsuit. It was one of my favorites, very sweet and simple and red, with a sweetheart neckline. I wasn't in the mood to wear a bikini. I probably had disgusting bruises on my stomach, anyway.

Jacob in his trunks, though... fuck me sideways, he was hot. Okay, more than that. He was a fucking god on Earth. One of the sexiest things I'd ever seen. He must have spent more than enough time staring at each other. We were silent.

I finally broke the silence by saying, "Let's go into the water already." I fearlessly walked closer to the water. I turned around. Jake was still standing there, his arms crossed. I almost laughed at how childish he looked.

"Do I have to drag you out here with me?" I asked.

"You're gonna freeze to death, Bells," he called.

"That's why I have you to keep me warm."

He continued to stand there, looking as reluctant as ever. I walked back to him and stood on the balls of my feet, looking up at him straight in the eyes. "Listen, Jacob. How many times in our lives are we going to be able to say that on this beautiful day, we didn't give a shit and decided to have fun? Because, face it - the weather's not going to be this nice."

"It's not just the weather you're doing this for, huh?" he asked. _Fuck. He's right. He's absolutely right._

"You're right," I said. "But the weather's a good reason. You gotta let it go. Who gives a shit if it's cold, or random, or anything? At least I can say that I took a chance with the love of my life and had an assload of fun, just for a day. I can't even swim very well."

Jake sighed, and then smiled. "Why the fuck not?"

He lifted me in over his shoulders and I squealed and laughed as he took us into the water.

The initial shock of how cold the water was, was actually very... cold. But I got used to it. I'd taken swimming lessons as a child, but they hadn't done me any good. I spent a lot of time in and around pools in Phoenix, though I never went swimming.

But Jacob held onto me as tight as he could without hurting me. We were deep in the water, and my feet weren't touching the ground anymore, so I held onto Jake for dear life.

He kissed me on the lips, like he couldn't get enough of me, and that was when a huge wave came in. It shoved us underwater, and I almost panicked, but Jake held onto me. I kissed him back. I couldn't deny Jacob. I couldn't deny any part of him.

He kissed me again on the beach, as he was on his back on the small rocks and sand of the shore, my body over his. My heart hammered in my chest.

There were a trillion things I wanted to tell him. I wanted to pour my heart out yet again, right then and there. He was everything to me. Everything. Or at least as much as he could have, since one part of me was still Edward's, whether I liked it or not. But Jacob Black... Jacob Black was everything. The sun. The air. Good, clean things for me. For anyone, really.

And I was thankful. I was still thankful. I would always be thankful. In my world full of broken promises, lies, and abuse, Jacob was the light that healed me.

* * *

><p>Jacob and I had spent a long, full day together, and with a few others. Jacob and I weren't entirely alone for the whole day. Our day had been full of games and laughter and happiness in general. It was a good-ass day.<p>

The sun was setting when I dropped Jacob off at his house later that day. "So," he said, his arm around me when we got out of the truck, "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"I think so," I replied. "I think I've got stuff to do. I'll try."

"Sure, sure." He smirked.

I playfully punched him in the shoulder. "I said I'll try."

"Right."

He hugged me tightly, and I felt safe, secure, and... well, better than ever. "I'll talk to you later," I said.

* * *

><p>I went home to an empty house (shit, even my own damn father was avoiding me), and my cell phone was ringing. I'd purposely left it at home today. I hadn't thought I would need it.<p>

I walked to the kitchen and checked the caller ID on the screen of my phone. It was Edward. It was_ always _Edward.

"What's up?" I answered.

_"Why the fuck don't you answer your goddamn phone?"_ he shouted.

"Okay, shut the hell up!" I yelled back. "I was just with Jacob."

"Who the hell is that?"

_Thank God I didn't tell Edward his __name_, I thought. _He just fucking knows where he lives. Fuck. At least he doesn't know what he looks like._

I didn't answer Edward.

"What, were you fucking him?" he asked.

"Not today. I was with him for a little bit when you were gone." Well, at least that was half true. I was still dating Jake now.

"Wait, is that the kid who you just broke up with?"

I decided not to dig myself into an even deeper hole. I sighed. "Yes. I saw him again today."

Edward probably fuming. "Come to my house, _right now_," he said coldly. Then he hung up. Chills went down my spine.

* * *

><p>When Edward swung open his front door, it was blatantly obvious that he was fucked up. Well, even more fucked up, I supposed.<p>

He looked horrible. With a bruise under one of his eyes, the other eye black, and smelling like blood and sweat, Edward didn't look too hot.

I stepped inside his house. "Holy shit, what happened to you?" I asked.

"Some kid from La Push. That's what happened," he said bitterly.

"Sit down," I told him. "Let me get you an ice pack or something and -"

"No," he interrupted. "Come up to my room with me."

I couldn't refuse.

As we walked up the tall staircase, I noticed that nobody else - meaning Esme and Alice - was home.

"So what happened to you in La Push?" I asked Edward when we were in his room.

"Some kid - maybe our age - looked at me funny and started beating the crap out of me."

Knowing Edward, this was probably only half true.

"Did he say anything to you?" I asked.

"Yeah. He said everybody knew about me messing with his friend's girl or something. The kid said I took advantage of you and everybody knows I'm bad and pushing you into drugs or some shit. Word from the party got out, I guess. Either way, the kid's delusional because I didn't do shit to you."

_Oh my God._

This could not be happening. It couldn't be. There was no way that one of Jake's friends had gone and beat up Edward for messing with me. No fucking way. I couldn't feel grateful right now, though. I had a fucking defense team or something, but I could only be scared for that guy that beat up Edward, because I knew that Edward wasn't okay in the head and he was capable of doing crazy things. I was an audience and volunteer for that.

"What were you doing in La Push?" I asked.

"That's not the point! Where were you, Bella?"

"Like I could save you from some guy. Grow up and fight on your own."

Edward grasped my arms, and I could see hell in his eyes. "_Where were you_?"

"I was in La Push, with Jacob, like I already told you." Edward didn't even know what Jake looked like. Thank God.

"Well, you're not gonna see him ever again."

"You don't even know him!"

"I don't have to. You already told me you broke up with him. You lied to me, Bella. That's not right."

Edward was definitely not the judge of what was right and wrong, because what he did next was definitely not right. I felt corrupted. Robbed. And I wanted him to die.

I nearly considered ways to kill him as I drove home that night. I had to stop a couple of times to recompose myself, because I nearly lost it as I drove. When I got home, Charlie was there.

"Hey, Bells," he greeted me from the living room. _Oh, so he's going to pretend like nothing happened now? Wonderful. Thanks for fucking up everything, Dad._

My voice was hoarse as I greeted him back, slowly walking upstairs to my bedroom. The only thing I could think of doing was call the one person I trusted entirely: Jacob.

I tried to make it sound like an ordinary call - I didn't tell him about Edward, and it turned out, I didn't have to.

"Thinks he owns the fucking place," Jake muttered. "He _deserved_ to have his ass handed to him by Paul."

"Wait, it was _Paul_ who beat up Edward?" I asked. Paul Lahote was as tough as nails. Easily the toughest guy on the reservation. I was surprised that Edward was still alive.

"Yeah," Jake replied. "Quil came over to my house to tell me and by the time we got there, everyone was there watching the fight. I didn't come until it was over, but it was just Paul and Edward. I was surprised Jared and Quil didn't jump in."

"And Paul fought Edward because of the party?"

"Bella, everyone knows about the party. Not just the kids from your school."

_Well, shit. _"I know, but -"

"You have all my friends' respect, Bells," he continued. "Well, maybe not Leah, but you know how she is. Seriously, though, if anyone fucks with you, it's like fucking with me. I wish I could have taken on Edward myself, but -"

"Jake, I don't want you guys fighting for me," I said. "I know what Edward can do. He's... not good."

"You really think we're scared of him?"

"No, but I don't want anything to happen to you guys. Edward knows people, too. Who says he can't get them to jump you?"

"Well, we'll just get more."

"Jake, you don't get it! Fighting doesn't help."

"Hey, I won't fight Edward unless I have to. I was gonna jump in today but Paul took care of him."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"Don't worry, Bella. I've got you."

"I just don't want you or your crazy-ass friends to get hurt."

"Like I said, fucking with you is like fucking with me now. They kind of think of you as their little sister."

I sighed. "I know, just -"

Jake laughed. "I won't do anything stupid. I promise."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, Bella. Don't worry."

"I'll try not to. Hey, I gotta go now, but I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure."

"Love you, Jake."

"Love you, Bells."

I hung up, got ready for bed, and fell asleep, having not a clue what the rest of spring break would hold for me.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Ta-da! That was the second (or first) longest chapter of Destructive Desire yet, I think. I don't really keep track. I just go. This time, I won't include a survey. I think that's another thing that scared reviewers away last time. So, what did you think?_

_Keep cool, happy August,_

_MusicTwilightLove_


	19. Road To Love :: Road To Hell

_**A/N: **Hey, guys. It's back! I hope this chapter will be okay, because I'm posting another one as soon as I can after this one. I decided to have some more fun with the chapter names, and named this one, Road To Love :: Road To Hell, inspired by the Lady Gaga song "Highway Unicorn (Road To Love)" because this site wouldn't allow that many characters that are in "Highway Unicorn", and Sleigh Bells' "Road To Hell." Haha, I know it's weird. And, here's a fun trivia fact: this fanfic was originally going to be called "Highway Unicorn." Yes, that was my main song for this. It's an anthem. Yeah, I know that's weird, too. Well, at least it came a long way. Anyway, this chapter really just introduces the main event that occurs in the next chapter. Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Road To Love :: Road To Hell<em>**

* * *

><p>I was being shaken awake the next day, and it faintly reminded me of when I was woke up at the hospital last October, only this time, Charlie was pissed and I wasn't at the hospital.<p>

"Bella, wake up!" Charlie said, shaking me by the shoulders.

I had been taken from a dark paradise and knocked into the harsh reality of the real world. Great.

And I was _pissed_.

"What the hell was that for?!" I yelled at Charlie. "Can't I get some sleep?!"

"Bella, stop playing around. Get up."

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "Why should I?"

"It's six o'clock."

"In the morning?"

"Cut it out. It's six at night. I just got home."

I glanced at the clock. It was actually six eleven. "No fricking way," I murmured.

Shaking his head, Charlie left my room. "At least you're still alive," he said.

"Right."

"Just get up, Bells," he called. "I'm going to the hospital."

"The hospital? Why?" I called back.

"Harry Clearwater had a heart attack."

_Oh my God_. I hoped he would be okay.

I got out of bed to somewhat refresh myself, and caught a glance of myself in my full-length mirror.

_Shit_.

You see, I would have woken up looking okay, but Edward had visited at around one in the morning to shoot up a little bit, and I couldn't have just kicked him out, as much as I wanted to, so I'd joined him.

And I had slept for fifteen hours. Fifteen fucking hours. Who the hell does that? Shit, was I becoming a heroin addict?

In addition to being entirely disoriented, my nose was runny, my eyes were red, and my mouth was dry. Ugh. The marks on my arms were undeniable, too. I looked like a druggie, full stop.

My cell phone rang, and I jumped a little bit. I walked to my nightstand and checked the caller ID. It was Jacob. He asked if I wanted to hang out, and he sounded bummed, so I couldn't say no. I couldn't deny climbing into his car later. As much as I wanted to go back to bed, I found the strength to get my ass dressed and looking somewhat presentable.

"This is about Harry, right?" I asked as I climbed into Jake's Volkswagen Rabbit.

"Yeah." Jake's voice was low and serious.

"Is he gonna be okay?"

"We don't really know. He's in the hospital now."

"Who's we?"

"You know, my friends." My defense squad of hit men. Right.

"Okay, then. Are they all at your house or something?"

"Yeah. Leah and Seth should have gone with Sue, but she went with Harry to the hospital as quick as lightning. She made Leah and Seth go to my house, where everybody else already is."

"Oh."

"I called you a couple of times today. Did you die or something?"

"Nah," I said uneasily. "I just slept for a really long time."

"Exhausted, huh?"

"Yeah." I fiddled around with the left sleeve of my shirt.

Jacob glanced at me playing with it. "Wow, I thought it was pretty warm."

"I'm just cold."

"Yeah, I can tell. You sound like you have a cold. I told you swimming yesterday was a bad idea."

I rolled my eyes. "We still had a blast."

Jake chuckled. "Yeah, we did."

I snuggled up to Jake as much as my seat belt would let me and I sighed. "I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?"

"Paul beating the shit out of Edward, us fighting on the phone... Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Shit happens."

"I know, but... a lot's just happening right now."

"It's spring break."

"And?"

"Chill. Don't worry, everything's gonna be alright, Bella."

"It's cute how you always try to make me feel better."

I looked up at him and saw that he was smiling like he knew he was right, and he was. "That's my job," he said.

"Quoting me again. It's cute how you pay so much attention to the things that I say."

"What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't?"

I sighed again. "I don't know."

But I did know. He'd be like Edward, and that couldn't happen.

* * *

><p>"And the bastard didn't lay a scratch on me!" Paul exclaimed. Then he stuffed more Doritos in his mouth. Jeez, he ate a lot.<p>

We - meaning my squad of hitmen and Leah - were all at Jake's house, and the air was still intense, but it was lighter now than when I first got there.

"You really didn't have to do that," I told Paul.

"What he did to you was fucked up, Bella." Paul lounged on Jake's couch with Leah as Jake and I were laying on the floor.

"I know."

"Then you should be happy."

"Really, Bella," Embry said from across the living room, "we could have all jumped in."

"I know that, too," I told him. "Just don't be stupid. I didn't particularly ask for hitmen."

"Alright, alright."

I sighed and took a sip from my water bottle.

Fuck, I wanted to get high again. I was on a road to hell and I was aware of this, but I needed to. I loved it. I loved it too much.

Minutes later, during my ever-changing spectrum of fantasizing of things I would rather be doing, Charlie and Billy emerged through the front door.

I got up and walked to Charlie. "Did anything happen, Dad?" I asked him.

"Harry's gonna be okay."

I was immediately relieved. "Oh, thank God."

Charlie and I went home soon, after I said goodbye to Jacob, and the car ride wasn't pleasant.

"When you were asleep earlier," he began as soon as we got into his police cruiser, "I found something in your room."

I stopped breathing. "What are you talking about?"

"You'll see."

_Shit!_

The car ride felt longer than ever, and when we stepped into the house, Charlie grabbed something from the small table by the door, which had keys and mail on it. But what Charlie held out in front of me totally froze me.

It was a straw.

A straw that had burn marks on it.

"Don't try and tell me that you're holding it for a friend," Charlie said.

I didn't say anything.

"What's making you do drugs?" he asked.

I shrugged.

"You don't know?"

I shrugged again. I had nothing to say.

"I guess I could turn you in."

Oh, so he was resorting to threats now? Great. "Don't," I said. "You'll ruin everything."

"You're going back to counseling when school starts again, right?"

_No._ "Yes."

"Well," he said, setting the straw down, "I think you're gonna need it. Just this once, Bella. I've had it with you. I've given up. But if you don't stop this drug nonsense..." He trailed off.

"I'm sorry," I croaked.

"You better be. This is serious. Do you know how bad it is for you?"

I nodded. _And I love it, nevertheless._

"I have no idea what to do with you anymore, Bells."

"Me neither."

"Just stop, though. Okay? I thought you were better than this."

I nodded, though I wouldn't stop. "Fine. And I thought I was better, too. Sorry."

"Thanks."

I was on my way upstairs when Charlie called me down again. "By the way," he said, "you're grounded."

_Oh, fuck you, too._ "Okay."

I went to my bedroom and went on a rampage hiding every piece of evidence that I had of shooting up or snorting. It wasn't a lot, but there were still some things that Charlie could find.

Operation: Get High ASAP was a go.

* * *

><p>Edward wasn't pleased with me getting grounded. He said I needed to be better at these things and that he got away with it all the time in New Hampshire. The rebel that he was. What a hard-ass.<p>

It wasn't hard to sneak out of the house, though. My bedroom window faced the side of the house, and it was easy to get out. Charlie never noticed the ladder next to my window, either.

Edward and I sat in his backyard that night, not too intoxicated. We stared up at the sky, but seeing the stars and moon was pretty much impossible. It was too cloudy.

I was going to ask Edward something, but I was too focused on scratching my arms. Fuck. It felt like there were bugs underneath my skin. I needed them to get out. They itched. They itched so very much.

"Motherfucker," I muttered.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked.

"It fucking itches. Everything itches. Crap."

And that was when Alice, Edward's sister, was standing on the patio, her arms crossed. She had caught us, needles in hands.

"I thought I heard something," she said. "Uh, are you guys okay?"

Edward hid the needles behind him and stood up to talk to Alice.

"What are you even doing?" she asked Edward.

"Nothing," Edward said.

Alice glanced at me and saw the needles. "Is that...?" Her expression was confused and tired at the same time.

Edward sighed. "No, it's not."

"That's some serious stuff, Edward," she said. "Do you know what Mom - or _Dad_ - would do if they found out?"

"I know, I know. Don't tell, though. Please."

"Why shouldn't I? Drugs are bad, anyway."

I heard Edward sigh. "Because... because you can't. Please, Alice."

"There's always some crap going on with you, Edward. It's annoying." Alice ran a hand through her dark brown hair, which had already grown from out of her bob hairstyle to her shoulders.

"Stay out, then!" Edward snapped at her. "Go away!"

"You're really messed up, Edward," she said. "Really."

"Good. Let me be messed up, then. Go away."

Shaking her head, Alice went back inside. "Shut up, at least, then," she said right before she slid the glass door shut. "I don't need to hear you guys having sex again."

"Go away," Edward repeated. "Go."

Alice slid the glass door shut - _hard_. I would have been pissed, too, if I had a brother as bad as Edward. I felt bad for Alice. Esme, too. Damn.

Edward walked back to me and turned around. "Now, where were we?"

I got up and got my stuff together. "I was just leaving."

As hard as it was to leave, I did. I knew I would be back, but leaving was the only thing on my mind at the moment.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **And that's really it. Watch out for a chapter coming soon. I wanna get five more chapters up at break-neck speed. It's a crunch time point of the story. Thoughts?_

_Keep cool, drink some water, WATCH THE OLYMPICS (GO TEAM USA) WOOOO!_

_MusicTwilightLove._


	20. Salt Skin :: You Lost Me

_**A/N: **Hi, guys! I'm feeling great today. Great enough to publish another chapter. (If you missed the last one, read it; it was published yesterday. If you missed any others, start at 17 or something. I don't know, haha.) I'm kind of excited to share it. Oh, and the next three. So, enjoy, guys! I think you might like this one. It was inspired by Ellie Goulding's "Salt Skin" and Sleigh Bells' "You Lost Me." Yes, I am a big fan of Sleigh Bells. If you can catch all the song references, then you win a mug of hot chocolate. I'll send it in the mail. Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Salt Skin :: You Lost Me<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>Dear Mom,<em>

_It's been forever, right? I still have a lot to tell you. It's about Edward Cullen._

_You haven't met him yet, have you? Damn. Well, you'd love him. He's good-looking, protective, seems to love me... yeah, he's great. At least, on the outside he is. You wouldn't want to know the crazy little things that run through his head._

_Edward's a druggie. He turned me into a druggie, too. We may be two losers that can only communicate with others through sex, drugs, and alcohol, but at least we can be losers together. If I'm gonna die soon, it had better be with him. It would only make sense. We were born to lose and born to die._

_Edward's not right. Not right in the head, not right for me, not right for anything. Even his family hates him. After a pothead and a teacher, I ended up with this kind of guy. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? He gets me lost at times. I'm on an insane road to hell with him, where we can act like kids all we want, but we're not there yet. Being with him is sometimes a treat, sometimes not._

_Edward Cullen is one-hundred percent wrong. Born in the wrong place and the wrong time. Living a wrong life now. Then again, I must be the same way. At least we can be wrong together. I'm as much of a loser as he is._

_There's been one thing I've done right since I moved here a while ago: Jacob Black. (Yeah, I did him. I did him more than twice. Sue me.) Dating Jake was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It's stupid how I had to let him go. Jacob and Edward are polar opposites, as different as day and night, the sun and the moon, whatever stupid simile you want to throw in._

_I don't think things are going to go back to normal, if they ever were. Nothing with Charlie, or Edward, or Jacob, or myself. I'm lost. Totally, completely, definitely lost._

_But shit happens, you know?_

* * *

><p>Pouring my heart out to my mother in an email would have calmed me down a little bit, but I wouldn't send it. I couldn't send it. Edward would know in an instant. He'd accuse me of being a liar like he always did.<p>

I didn't have the time to send an email this long, anyway. After what seemed like a long time, I dragged myself to work at the Newton's Olympic Outfitters store. Edward had even dropped me off on time.

The other employees - which included Mike Newton - all looked at me strangely when I got there.

"Wow," Mike said. "What a sight for sore eyes."

"I've just been busy," I said as I got started like I always used to.

I had only been doing my job as a clerk for five minutes when Karen Newton, Mike's mother and the owner of the store, sauntered from her office to the cashier's station, my station. She told me in a low, serious voice, "I need to talk to you in my office."

Without a clue of what she was getting at, I followed her to her office in the back of the store, and sat at the chair in front of her desk, facing the back of her computer monitor. She turned the screen around and there I saw a gallery of photos of me. The Facebook photos from the party. My jaw dropped.

"I don't think you have to explain this," Karen said.

"I... I... I'm sorry," I managed to say. I needed to keep this job. I _had_ to. How else would I pay for gas, or heroin, or clothes, or anything? I had my college money saved up, but that was already dwindling. I wasn't planning on going to college anymore. My grades weren't horrible, but going to college just wasn't interesting anymore.

"Bella," Karen sighed. "I thought you were better than this."

_That's two people._ "I'm sorry," I said again.

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go." Karen didn't sound sorry.

"But... but it won't happen again," I promised.

"It's not just the pictures, sweetie. You haven't been here in days. You didn't even call in sick or anything."

"I was busy," I murmured.

Karen pointed to the photos on her computer screen. "I can tell. Bella, I'm sorry, but you're fired."

"Are you serious?"

She nodded. "I'm gonna need your nametag and smock back."

I quickly took off the smock and nametag, and handed them to Karen. I got my stuff together and left without a word.

_Ugh, fuck this. Fuck it all._

* * *

><p>Sometimes life just sucked. Today was one of those days where this statement was completely relevant.<p>

I'd lost my job, I was out of money, and to make things even better, Edward wasn't even there to pick me up. I'd called him plenty of times already. He hadn't answered once. The perfect boyfriend he was.

Oh, yes. Life sucked. It sucked a lot.

* * *

><p>"Bella? What are you still doing here?" a voice called to me an hour later. I turned from where I sat on the sidewalk to see Mike Newton walking to me. As if I really wanted to talk to him after I was just fired. But he couldn't have cared about whether I wanted to talk or not. He sat down next to me on the sidewalk.<p>

"Hey, Mike," I said, trying to remain cool. "My ride's not here. Don't worry, I'm not trying to sell drugs and bang people in front of your store just yet."

"Sorry about you getting fired," he said.

I sighed. "Whatever. I didn't go to work that often, anyway."

"You used to," Mike pointed out. "Those photos were brutal, though. Everyone saw them."

_Wow_, I thought. _You don't say!_

"I know," I said.

We were silent for a while, and then Mike asked, "Bella, do you have a drug problem? Or a drinking problem?"

Wow. Okay. Great. Even Mike fucking Newton, whom I didn't even talk to that much anymore, was questioning me.

I shook my head. "I don't." Then I sneezed into my sleeve, which didn't help me redeem myself at all. People that snorted always sneezed.

"I saw the photos," Mike said.

"Well, everyone did," I replied. "I know, I'm a slut that can't keep myself out of trouble. I can't even keep a damn job. And the sky is blue. What else can you say?"

I hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but by the way Mike's face looked after I said that, my words must came out harder than I'd thought.

"I say you need help," he said. "I know it's not my place to say this, but I think you do, Bella. You should get some help before it's too late. I've seen too many people like you crash and burn. It's not pretty."

Mike stood up, gave me a half-wave goodbye, made his way to his car, and left. Just like that. He left me hanging cold, just like I'd done so many times with him.

_Karma's a bitch._

* * *

><p>Edward eventually picked me up from my ex-job, another hour later.<p>

"You're late," I said as I got in. "Again."

"Whoops," he said, lighting a cigarette.

"Ugh," I groaned. "Why do you smoke?"

"Please, don't tell me you're disgusted with smoking. You do worse."

I exhaled sharply. "I know. I just hate everything."

"Don't blame everything on me. It's not my fault you can't do anything." Ugh, he was as sharp as a knife.

I kept my mouth shut. He was right. I wasn't capable of finding any decent job. But it wasn't like it had to be _decent_...

Mike was right. I did need help. Some people had serious problems, and I was one of them.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **So, how was that? I know, it was kind of short and stupid. But, you know, you can't keep a job doing that, lmao. Welp, that's the twentieth chapter. Damn, it's rushing by fast. At least to me, anyway. Thoughts?_

_Drink water, sit in the sun, root for Team USA or something._

_MTL._


	21. Jump

_**A/N: **BOOBS BOOBS ASS LEMONS BOOBS LEMONS ASS BOOOOOOOBS. Okay, now that I've got your attention, here's the author's note. Read it. Hey, guys! Destructive Desire (my, that's a cheesy name) is finally back. So, originally, this was going to be, like, three separate chapters, but I was pressured by my dear friend Kelly to bring some excitement, and I did (or at least tried to). This chapter originally had six song titles, so the full name would be Dangerous Girl :: Jump :: Body Electric :: Treats :: Toxic :: Million Dollar Man. "Dangerous Girl", "Jump", "Body Electric", and "Million Dollar Man" are by the wonderful Lana Del Rey. "Treats" is by the fricking awesome band called Sleigh Bells. "Toxic" is by the fantastic legend Britney Spears. But for short, this chapter shall be called "Jump." Haha, the 21st chapter called "Jump." 21 JUMP STREET WOOOOOO. ...Don't mind me, I'm weird._

_And YES, I will include the lyrics of inspiration, from ALL SIX songs, 'cause I love them._

* * *

><p><strong>-Dangerous Girl:<strong>

_We were born to kill,  
>Best of the best<br>The new, Wild West  
>Let me put on that party dress<br>Hell, yes!_

**-Jump:**

_Palm trees in black and white  
>Last thing I saw before I died<br>Palm trees in black and white  
>Was the last thing I saw before I died<br>Right line, right man  
>Right mixture of cocaine and heroin<em>

**-Body Electric:**

_My clothes still smell like you,  
>All the photographs say that we're still young<br>I pretend I'm not hurt,  
>I walk about the world like I'm havin' fun<br>And I get crazy every Friday night,  
>I drop it like it's hot in the pale moonlight<br>and when I pray, I'm feelin' alright,  
>She's swayin' softly, to her hearts delight<em>

**-Treats:**

_Deep sleep_  
><em>Put the heat on the street<em>  
><em>Let the enemy sing with me<em>

**-The whole thing of Toxic, whatever.**

**-Million Dollar Man:**

_I don't know how you convince them and get them, but  
>I don't know what you do, it's unbelievable<br>And I don't know how you get over, get over  
>Someone as dangerous, tainted and flawed as you<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN continued: **Okay, I'm done with the lyrics. That's it. So here's chapter 21, called "Jump."_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Jump<strong>_

* * *

><p>I ended up sleeping for another fifteen hours that night, Thursday night, and Friday night, too. Maybe even longer. Can you imagine that? Being completely dead to the world for at least fifteen hours (which is a pretty long time) every day, only to find out that you weren't really missed in your time being gone? To find out that nobody would care at all, even if you really did die?<p>

Charlie must have been one of those people, because when I resurfaced on Saturday night, he wasn't home. The house was eerily empty.

My mind was burned with mental images of Edward. We hadn't had a boring time last night. We could have gone to the moon and back. Snorted one spoon, I was good. Two was good. Three was good, as well. Four had me flying to the stars. Anything after that had me out of this galaxy. Out of this universe.

My clothes still smelled like Edward. If danger had a smell, that's what my clothes smelled like. Danger, adrenaline, cigarettes, and sex. My memories told me that we were still young, and we had to live, even as we were crashing down into the pits of hell. We didn't need anybody else, though. We had each other. Or at least I pretended. I had a broken mind, it seemed.

I also pretended that I wasn't hurt. It was hard, but I did. I tried to convince myself and everyone else that all I was doing was having fun. I'd been looked at that way before. I hadn't had issues in Phoenix; I was just a partier. And now I wanted that reputation back. Everyone thought I had problems now, when really, I just had more fun than everyone else. Everyone else was just boring. I was normal. Yes, that was it.

Anyway, though, last night with Edward was not a boring night. Not at all. In my head, we were taking over. World domination. I was his sweetheart, his sweet mess, and he was my dangerous boy, my million dollar man. He liked me sexy and fearless, but never mean. I was too pretty for that. We were like the new Wild West or something. We were born to kill. We got down on Friday nights in who knows where and took over, the heat still going even after the sun went down. And in a way, he was my hero.

Then I'd wake up and realize that we were just two dangerous, tainted, and flawed losers that had nothing better to do but drugs and each other. Oops.

I was doing an awful lot of thinking for just waking up. Jesus. I was also starving. I went downstairs to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, cooling my face. There I saw a nice, cool plate of nothing. Totally empty, besides half a jug of milk, a bottle of ketchup, and two eggs.

I opened the freezer. Nothing but ice cubes. In the cabinets, nearly empty boxes of crackers and whatnot seemed to be collecting dust. This would simply not do. I wanted a burger. I got dressed and headed out to my truck.

* * *

><p><em>They really need to put a McDonald's or two in Forks<em>, I thought as I drove to Port Angeles, in search of the golden arches of heaven... or at least as close as I could get, anyway.

Edward called my cell phone, asking where I was, and I told him I was driving to McDonald's. He told me he'd meet me there.

I was up against the hood of my truck in the parking lot when Edward actually arrived at a reasonable time, smoking a cigarette, looking like hell. He didn't look like he was beaten up, but like he was actually still tired. He had to have slept longer than me. It was unbelievable.

But even as he did look like shit, I kissed him. Maybe we were so wrong for each other that we were right, or maybe we were just both fucked, but I still kissed him nonetheless. He tasted like cigarettes and something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on. We needed help. Oh yes, we needed a lot of help, but what could we do? Couples therapy? I almost laughed.

When I pulled away, he said, "I'm starving."

"We're at a McDonald's," I said, gesturing to the golden arches. "Eat something."

He gave me the twisted, off smile that I was used to. "Food's not what I had in mind. I'd rather eat something else."

I laughed. "Well, I'm not down for any of that right now. Maybe later, though?"

"Yeah. Wanna head to my place now?" His face was hopeful.

I shook my head.

His eyebrows furrowed. "Why not?"

"My dad's gonna be pissed." Yeah, I just used the lamest excuse in the book. I didn't care about what Charlie thought anymore, but I didn't want to go with Edward to his place right now.

"Right," Edward said sarcastically. "Of course."

"Sorry."

"Come on, let's just go," he tried again.

I said no again, and ended up regretting the decision later.

* * *

><p>Fast forward to a couple of hours later into the night, and my body was bruised pretty damn hard. How could have I been so stupid, so absolutely foolish? I wasn't past Edward hitting me yet. No fucking way. He wasn't through with me.<p>

It was like I'd been asking for it. And I was. Saying no was wrong. Everything he said was right, and I had to play along.

He was so toxic, but I must have been the same way if I could put up with it for so long.

I was disappointed in the both of us.

* * *

><p>With most of my Saturday wasted, I woke up on Sunday morning at a decent time with a plan for the day.<p>

Operation: Win Charlie Back (also known as Mission: Impossible) was a go.

I cooked breakfast, I went shopping for groceries, and I even cleaned up. It took forever because I hadn't done any of those things in a long time, but Charlie was pleased. I was glad I was getting somewhere. Maybe things would go back to normal, or as normal as they could be, anyway.

When I looked at Charlie, though, I saw that he looked disappointed. Disappointed in me, himself... everything. He had this really sad look in his eyes. He knew I was helpless, even as he didn't know half the story. He thought I wore long-sleeved shirts all the time because I was cold. He thought I was out with friends all the time, just hanging out. He thought the heroin thing was a one time stunt. He had no clue. He had no idea whatsoever, and even though he didn't, he saw that I was crashing, and that I was crashing _hard_. It was obvious. My pretending could fool everyone else, but not him. But if that were the case, then why wasn't he doing anything? Had he given up on me?

My afternoon was uneventful, but at night I decided that to top off my plan to win Charlie back, I would go to Jacob's house. I hadn't seen him in days, anyway.

I got a ride from Jacob without telling Edward a word. I knew I was digging myself into an even deeper hole. I didn't care.

Jacob didn't seem to be that welcoming when was there, though. He almost seemed pissed off with me.

"You okay, Jake?" I said as I carefully sat down on his couch.

"I have a better question," he said, leaning up against the arm of the couch. "Are _you_ okay?"

"I'm fine," I said. "Why?"

"Stuff's been going around."

"What kind of stuff?"

Jake sat down next to me on the couch. He sighed. "You know fast word spreads around here. People have been talking."

"About what?"

"About you and Edward."

"Jake, this isn't helping. What are people saying?"

"They're saying you're back together and you've been all over each other."

My heart could have dropped to my stomach in that instant.

"If you don't want to date me anymore, why don't you just say so?" he asked. "Don't tug me around, because you know I would never do that to you." Jacob was looking at me straight in the eyes, and I felt terrible.

"I am so sorry, Jake," I told him. "I am."

He didn't seem to be buying it. "I'm sorry for not being good enough," he said bitterly.

I put a hand to his shoulder. "Come on, babe -"

He shrugged it away. "Don't call me 'babe.'"

"Jake, I'm sorry. I had to break up with you again because of Edward."

"So, you're dating him again? I'm confused. All you seem to do is lie to me."

I shook my head, and I knew this wasn't making things better. I was lying - again. It was horrible how I wanted to be with Jacob, and that I'd faked breaking up with Edward not once, but twice. I had fucked up everything.

In Jacob's eyes, I could see that he was heartbroken. I had hurt - and confused him - so damn much.

I could also see that he still loved me. I couldn't see why, but he did. Jacob loved me unconditionally. He probably wouldn't always love me, but right now, he did. I'd seen those eyes before. I knew them so well.

"Everything's just complicated," I said. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sick of your games, Bella," Jake said. "Please, just tell me the truth."

That was when I stood up and started pulling my shirt up. Jacob needed to know the truth, and now I would give it to him.

"Bella, what makes you think that I wanna have sex right now?" he asked. "You're really confusing me."

"Shhh."

I slipped my shirt off the entire way, letting it fall to the ground, and slowly, I traced the long scar along my ribcage. It was the same scar that Jacob had noticed last December.

"You remember this?" I asked softly. I stepped forward and took his large hand in mine and made him feel the raised scar.

"You feel that, Jake?" I asked. He nodded.

"Edward did that," I whispered. "He did that a year ago, back when we were first dating. He stabbed me with a piece of glass. He was pissed, and he took his anger out on me. He always does."

I moved Jake's hand to a fresh bruise at my waist. "He did this, too," I added.

I placed his hand on a bruise at my lower back. "And this." Then the one on my right forearm. "This, too."

Jacob didn't say a word.

"You're the first person I'm telling, Jake. I've never told my counselor, or my dad, or anyone. You are the first person to know what I'm going through, Jacob. I trust you. Just please... don't give up on me. I don't have anybody but you right now."

And that, right there, was the truth. I would never lie to Jacob over something like this.

"And that's it," I whispered. Jacob pulled me in for a hug, as bare as I was, and his scent was familiar and comforting. Jacob smelled woodsy. I liked it. I felt his fingers linger along the bruises on my back, tracing them.

"I can't believe he did this to you," Jake murmured.

"I'm so sorry for just telling this to you now," I said. I hoped he wouldn't mind the few tears on his t-shirt.

"I want to kill him," Jake murmured.

I sighed, pulled away, and put my shirt back on. "So do I. Just... just don't, okay?"

"Bella, this can't let this go unnoticed. Do you know how serious this is? You have to speak up."

I shook my head. "I would, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"You don't know Edward like I do."

"I think I should talk to him." Jacob stood up and got his jacket, storming out of the house.

I followed him. "Jake, what are you doing?"

He didn't answer my question. He just went out to his Rabbit. "Get in," he said.

Without a word, I got in and quickly buckled my seatbelt, trembling.

As he drove off to Forks, barely legally, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I checked out the caller ID. It was Edward. Like always.

"Where are you?" he asked when I answered the call.

"I'm leaving Angela's. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"I'm in your driveway," he said. "Hurry up." He hung up on me.

As I stuffed my phone back into my pocket, Jake asked, "Who was that?"

"Edward. He's at my house."

"Good."

By the time Jacob was parked on the curb, it was raining heavily. I saw Edward leaning against the door of his silver Volvo. Jacob got out of the car and charged up the driveway to Edward.

"Jacob!" I shouted. "Stop!"

He ignored me. "That does it, Cullen," he spat at Edward.

"What did I do now?" Edward asked bitterly.

"First you went down to the rez for no fucking reason, and now you're hitting girls." Jacob was only a few inches away from Edward.

Edward shoved him. "Get away from me," he growled.

Jacob shoved him back. "What, do you hit your sister too?!"

"I said, _get away_!" Edward yelled. He tried to punch Jacob in the face, but he missed by a few centimeters. Jacob punched Edward square in the face. Edward was bleeding from the nose in seconds.

In the next few seconds the boys were strangling, punching, and kicking each other. They were also cursing a lot. I screamed for them to cut it out, but nobody listened to me.

I got between them, to break them up, and when Edward realized I was trying to do that, he pushed me - hard - out of the way and onto the concrete. I landed on my back and hit my head. He didn't seem to regret hurting me at all. Just like always. Then he went back to hurting Jacob.

Jacob had him in a choke hold when Charlie stormed out of the house. "What is going on?!" he yelled.

Charlie had to seperate Jacob and Edward himself. "What happened?" he asked them, still standing between them. He had one hand on Edward and the other on Jacob, holding them apart. Jacob and Edward were both bleeding. I was even bleeding from when I scraped my arm on the pavement.

"Guess what, Charlie?" Jacob asked, staring at Edward with pure hatred. "Edward's been beating your daughter."

Charlie stared at Edward. He looked like he wanted to kill Edward. "_WHAT_?"

"You heard me," Jacob said. He turned to me. "Bella, show him your bruises."

I looked down to the wet concrete. The rain was still pounding to the surface. "Go home, Jake," I mumbled, feeling the hot tears running down my face. I had messed up everything once again. Wasn't that just perfect?

Charlie walked over to me. "Show them to me, Bella," he said.

I rolled up my right sleeve and showed him my arm, and the bruise seemed to be throbbing now. Charlie turned to Edward with a serious, angry look on his face. "You're in trouble, Edward. Unless you want to be taken to the police station right now, I suggest you leave, this moment."

Edward wordlessly got into his car and drove away. After he left, Jacob silently left, too.

"Let's get you out of the rain," Charlie told me gently. He walked me up the driveway and into the house. "Why don't you -" he began.

"I don't want to talk about it."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Bam. Now the spring break episodes are over. Shoop-da-whoop. What'd y'all think?_

_Keep it cool, don't try to be the new Wild West, take it easy,_

_MTL. xo_

_OH, and I almost forgot. When this fanfic hits 100 reviews, I will make a big note, acknowledging those that have reviewed this fanfic. :)_


	22. Girl With One Eye :: Bloody Mary

_**A/N: **Hello! Yeah, I know, I'm going at break-neck speed with these chapters. It's just that I won't be able to update from Thursday August 16 to Sunday the 19th. I won't have my laptop with me. Oh, and then from the 24th until the 4th of September I'll be laptop-less again. I wanna get some more chapters up._

_Anyway, hi! Destructive Desire is back, and this chapter was inspired by the Florence and the Machine song "Girl With One Eye" and also the Lady Gaga song "Bloody Mary." Enjoy!_

_And because this chapter hit 100+ reviews, THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS! I'd name all of you, but that'd take too long. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! Oh, I love you guys so much. You keep me so motivated and inspired. Your reviews light up my world._

_With extra super-ooper special thanks to:_

_Scarlet and Kelly, who have been here since the very beginning, helping me out with this fanfic and giving me ideas and such. I owe you guys. Thank you. :')_

_On with the fanfic! Here is chapter twenty-two (damn, already 22 chapters). Girl With One Eye :: Bloody Mary._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Girl With One Eye :: Bloody Mary<strong>_

* * *

><p>Things at school hadn't exactly returned to normal when I went back the next day.<p>

Everybody stared at me strangely. Everybody knew. Word had spread around, and it spread around fast. The party, the photos, Edward coming back, the Paul and Edward fight... maybe even the fight between Jacob and Edward. It was all out there. Some variations crazy, some correct. Made me hate Facebook even more.

However, nobody questioned me on my treatment from Edward, and I was grateful for that. They didn't need to know anything about that situation. Everybody left that alone. Everybody except Jessica. She asked about Edward and I not once, and not twice, but three times that Monday.

Jessica Stanley was beyond annoying.

One second, she was my friend. The next second, she hated me. She really only talked to me for gossip, anyway. It was obnoxious. She was partly on my side, and partly on Lauren's. Lauren Mallory had never been my friend. She'd never accepted me, and I'd never really liked her. Too bitchy for my liking. Too blonde. Too pretty. Too much. Jessica liked her, though. Best skanks forever needed each other.

My cafeteria posse had totally abandoned me. Mike, Jessica, Lauren, Eric... From the second I walked into school with Edward to the moment I left with him after school, half an hour late because I had detention.

I hadn't even gotten detention once since I'd moved to Forks, and of course, the reason why I finally got the punishment wasn't surprising.

I'd gotten sent to after-school detention due to none other than the five feet and two inches of hell who happened to be wearing a silver headband and a matching skirt. Jessica Stanley.

But wait. I'm getting ahead of myself.

My day had been going fine before I was assigned detention after school. I'd been a bit alienated by my peers, but my day hadn't been a bad day.

At least, first period hadn't been _that_ bad, despite my distaste for Calculus.

I just did not like Calculus, or math in general, but I'd learned to tolerate it. Math was easier than English and science to me. Boring, yet easy. Math is universal. With math, either it's right or it's wrong. Nothing to explain, like in English. Nothing to experiment with, like in science. You just do the work, and you get it right or wrong, no data to be taken. Plain and simple.

If you asked me a few months ago about me being in an advanced placement Calculus class, I would have said, "Hey, that's not bad. I can do math. I'm good at it."

I sucked at math now. It also didn't help that it was first period, and I was barely awake. I couldn't sleep the previous night. Too shaken from the Jacob and Edward shit.

It was too late to go home now, though, so I sucked it up and tried to do the work.

I also failed to do the work. I was about to throw my unfinished work into the air and leave, but I knew that if I couldn't do this class assignment, I definitely would not survive the homework. Mr. Varner, my Calculus teacher, was a hard-ass who liked to put me through hell. Today, he'd succeeded yet again.

I asked Eric Yorkie for help. I asked Angela Weber for help. After taking a full circle and asking everybody in the classroom for help, failing to understand the assignment, I went to the last resort of asking Jessica, who was one of the smartest girls in class. Lucky for me, she sat only one desk to my right.

I tapped my fingers on her desk. She looked up from her textbook and turned to me. "Yes?"

"I need help," I told her.

"I agree," she replied. "I recommend serious therapy. Maybe rehab will help, too."

"I mean, I need help with my assignment." I gestured to my paper which only had two problems completed.

Jessica stared at me, her eyes moving up and down. Then she snatched my paper from my hand. She looked at it for two seconds and handed it back to me. "It's wrong. It's all wrong."

"I only did two problems!" I said, the paper crumpling in my fisted hand.

"Then do more." Jessica had moved on to writing an essay. She was so damn busy. Fucking perfectionist.

"I need your help, Jessica," I said. "Please."

She seemed to be contemplating whether she wanted to write that essay or not. Eventually, she put it back and opened her textbook again.

"Please," I repeated.

She turned and scowled at me. "You know what? I -"

"Jessica!" I exclaimed. "Stop looking at me like I committed a crime. What do I look like, a serial killer?"

Eric, who sat in the desk to my left, snorted. "You wouldn't come close to knowing anything about serial killers even if the Ice Truck Killer gave you a prosthetic hand or stuck your limbs in a freezer."

I turned to him. "...What the actual fuck?"

"_Dexter_."

_What, the TV show? _I thought. "Yeah, okay," I said.

I turned to Jessica again. "Seriously, though, Jess. It'd be awesome if you could help me."

She just stared down at her Calculus textbook, as if she was really doing anything. Jessica must have been a bigger over-achiever than I'd thought. She already had her class work _and_ her homework finished.

"Why should I help you?" she asked me.

"Because you're a good person...?" I said.

Jessica gave one laugh. "Right, right. I'll just give you the answers so you can scurry off to some party to get high and suck every guy's dick. Yeah, that makes total sense."

Eric coughed, probably not trying to laugh. Damn. That should have burned, but it didn't. I'd had everything thrown at me, anyway.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm the one that set you up with Mike, Jess," I said. "Don't forget that."

"Mike thinks you're a slut, too," she said, still staring down at her textbook. "I'm not going to forget that you set us up, either. But I'm not just going to give you the answers to our work. Cheating gets you kicked out of college, a place that _you_ will never get to, obviously."

Okay, that was enough. I leaned closer to her and knocked the thick Calculus book off her desk. It must have been louder than I'd thought, because the room went silent. Suddenly, everyone's eyes was in the direction of the back of the classroom, where Jessica and I sat. I couldn't have noticed that much, though. I was so pissed.

Jessica's blue eyes met my brown ones. "Yes?" she asked, a fake smile plastered on her face.

"Listen, you little cunt," I snarled. "I need those fucking answers. Stop being an inconsiderate whore, and give them to me."

"Oh, so _I'm_ the whore now?" she asked, her smile gone and her face now hard. Her eyes narrowed. "I guess that makes two of us," she added. "But you know something? _I'm_ the one that's graduating, and _you_ are trash. You don't give a fuck about anything, so why would you care about this assignment? Go suck a dick or snort your brains out. It's obviously what you do best. _Fuck. Off. Right now._"

"You fucking bitch!" I yelled, standing up. "Stop being so difficult and give me the damn answers already!"

Jessica stood up, too. "And what are you gonna do if I don't, huh?" she challenged.

"You really don't wanna to know," I growled.

"Try me." Her facial expression was smug as our faces were only about five inches apart. "Go ahead. Try."

"Girls!" Mr. Varner exclaimed, walking toward us. "Stop it this instant."

Jessica's face dropped. She wasn't so smug now. How could she be smug, though? We had just won ourselves round trip tickets to detention.

* * *

><p>The rest of the school day was worse. Everybody knew about the fight that was going to happen, and they were hoping something would errupt during the rest of the day. Nothing happened. How disappointing.<p>

Jessica and I were the only people in detention. Wow, wasn't I lucky?

When the teacher left for a break, I turned to Jessica, who sat three desks down, on my left.

"You had better start sleeping with one eye open," I warned her. "I will cut your heart out."

"Aren't you a tough bitch?" she asked. "You just like to fuck everything up."

"What have I even done to you?" God, she was delusional.

"Well, for one thing, my reputation is dirt." Jessica sighed.

"You poor thing," I said.

"Just because your life is fucked up doesn't mean mine has to be. If this gets around to my parents, I'm done," she replied.

"Well, I'm sorry if this messes things up for you," I said.

"No, you're not," she snapped, her words as sharp as a knife. "I know you're going through shit, too, but I'm not going to cry for you, Bella. Everything just has to be about you, right? How could you be so selfish?"

"Everything is not about me," I said softly.

"Ha! Get the hell out. Everything here revolves around you. You know what kind of look you're giving this school? As much as you'd like to think that your whole drug thing is underground, it's not."

"Stay out of my business, then," I told her.

"I'm trying," she told me, her voice softer.

"Try harder."

"Oh, fuck you," she sneered, turning back to face the front of the room.

"Fuck you, too."

We were silent for a while. The teacher seemed to be taking forever.

"I hate you, Bella Swan," she said. "I always have, and I hope you die."

My first friend I'd made in Forks had just told me she hated me. Surprisingly, it burned. It burned way more than it should have.

Damn.

* * *

><p>Edward was pissed when he picked me up after detention. He was my ride to school, and I didn't want to walk home, so he had to pick me up, anyway.<p>

"You just can't stay out of trouble, can you?" he asked me as he drove me to my house.

"You should have been there," I told him. "It was getting interesting."

"Right."

When we were in my driveway, he got out of his car and kissed me. It didn't mean anything to me, but it could have meant something for him.

"Wanna snort a line tonight?" he asked me.

"You know I do. I'll call you later." I gave his hand one last squeeze, and went inside.

_Damn, this is going to suck_, I thought as I went upstairs to my bedroom. Charlie hated Edward. He hated him so much. He knew that Edward hit me, and Charlie was supposed to call Edward's mother, Esme, tonight. I could only pray that things would be okay.

I felt bad for Charlie. He had an ex-wife that had moved on, a daughter with issues, and friends that were even more busy than he was. Charlie was getting nowhere. And knowing him, he was fine with that. Charlie wouldn't change unless he had to, and he didn't yet.

I skipped the homework this afternoon. I didn't have the time or patience for that. _Fuck Calculus_, I thought.

I went to sleep for a bit, and I was in that blissful halfway point between consciousness and sleep when I was alerted by my cell phone ringing. I groaned and reached for it from under the covers. I had received a new text message, from Angela Weber.

Wow. _She_ still acknowledged my existence, at least.

I read the text message three times, and it still gave me a strange sense of uneasiness.

_I think we should talk._

What the hell was _that_ supposed to mean? I knew she wanted to talk, but about what? The Calculus episode with Jessica? Life in general?

I set my phone down back down on my nightstand and went to sleep.

* * *

><p>I slept until eight o'clock. Charlie had ordered pizza. I knew he wasn't trying to be that pissed with me, because I was his fragile, little girl that had been abused by her big, bad boyfriend, but I could still tell that he wasn't pleased. I hadn't cooked dinner in a long time.<p>

I had just gotten out of the shower that night when I heard Charlie talking downstairs. Either he was talking to himself, or he was on the phone.

"I know you may think you know your son well, Esme," Charlie said, "but the bruises prove everything."

Oh. So he was talking to Edward's mother. He'd been serious about that.

"Yes, yes. I think you should talk to him," he added.

More silence.

"I know you're busy," Charlie said, "but my daughter does not deserve any of this."

Charlie seemed to be listening intently.

"I'm not telling you to monitor him all the time. Just keep an eye on him, alright? I don't want him going near my house or my daughter again."

Well.

"Fine, thanks." I heard Charlie hang up the telephone, and then I headed to my bedroom. Then I knew I needed a good buzz as soon as possible.

I would still see Edward tonight, no matter what. Nobody could stop me.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **And now this fanfic is heading into Eclipse territory. Sooo, how was that?_

_Be awesome, hug a kitten, eat some chocolate,_

_MTL. xo_


	23. Question Existing

_**A/N: **Hello, you guys! This is the last chapter of DD until at least Sunday or Monday, because I am not straining myself to get another chapter up tomorrow. From Thursday until Sunday evening I won't have my laptop, so, sadly, I won't be updating then. However, I'll leave you with a juicy chapter. Or, it's juicy in my opinion, at least. Ahhh, I'm excited to share it. This chapter was inspired by "Question Existing" by Rihanna... or at least, that's what I was listening to while writing this. Thank you for sticking around, readers, and if you didn't, well, thanks for at least taking a look. Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Question<em> **_**Existing**_

* * *

><p>It had been about a month since I'd last hung out with Edward.<p>

Yeah, a month without heroin. I was going crazy.

Of course, I'd seen Edward at school, but I didn't get to see him outside of school. Never. Charlie was being extra careful with keeping Edward away from me, and Esme must have helped, too.

Sometimes Edward and I talked on the phone, but not very often. I could tell that it hurt Edward to not be able to see me. It hurt him a lot, because he loved me so much. Or at least that was what he'd told me. He'd always told me that he did the things that he did simply because he loved me and that there was no other way.

And up until when he left me like shit last September, I had believed him. Then when he'd left, I dropped it. At least, a while after he left. I didn't believe him. I just couldn't. And that (along with my near-death experience) was what had gotten me to move on. Now that Edward was back in my life, though, I had no idea what to believe. Drugs changed my judgment around.

Did he really love me? I liked to believe that he did, but at the same time, i wanted to believe that he didn't so I could save myself from the heartbreak. Jacob wouldn't be on my side this time. From what I knew, he was done with me, for good. I'd tried calling Jake in my absence of Edward, but he wouldn't answer the phone. I hadn't seen or talked to him since the fight.

And I had no one but myself now. I was getting a lot of "me time," as Miss Barry called it (and yes, I had returned to seeing her; Charlie insisted). Way too much "me time." I was getting sick of myself.

Well, maybe I had more than just myself now. I'd talked to Angela Weber once or twice in person. We had even planned on hanging out on Wednesday, the twenty-eighth of April, after school. But I didn't go to school that day. I was sick. Or so I thought.

I woke up that Wednesday morning feeling like absolute crap. It wasn't bad enough to want to take a shitload of pills and pass out (even though it would have been impossible since Charlie still refused to keep pills in the house), but I really wasn't feeling too hot.

For one thing, I didn't sleep well the previous night, so I had woken up (without wanting to) at five in the morning.

Another downer: I was hurting all over. Sore breasts, sore back, etcetera. I even had a headache. I wanted to cry - or scream. What the fuck was up?

I was freaking out - again. I had lost track of how many days it had been since I'd last shot up, and it seemed like forever. I managed to find a way to Edward last week, and we had sex, but we didn't shoot up. He'd told me he was out, and I was pissed, but I still fucked him, because so much time had passed.

I was still losing my shit over this, though. Shooting up made me feel good. Better than good, actually. But to think of all the things I'd lost to heroin (my job, my grades, my father's trust, my friends, and even my own damn mind)... God, this was not good for me. I wasn't sure if I was feeling crappy because I _hadn't_ had heroin in a while, or because I'd had too much and this was that the shit was doing to me.

One thing I did know was that I was definitely not going to school that day. Charlie couldn't trust me at all, but he had to at least respect my state of well-being (or lack thereof).

I hadn't expected him to say yes, but he really did let me stay home from school today, even as I would miss my session with Miss Barry. Charlie told me to calm down, take it easy, and get some rest.

It didn't work, though.

After texting Edward that I wouldn't be attending school today, I tried to sleep. That didn't help. I couldn't get five minutes of it.

At nine-thirty, I decided that food was what I probably needed. I ate a bowl of cereal, and it tasted... _off_. More than off. Repulsive, even. I had liked the taste yesterday, so why not today?

I knew I had to fill my stomach, though, so I ate every bite of it, even as it turned soggy. I even got more. I made more food, too. I must have been starving.

That didn't help, either. I discovered this as I puked my entire breakfast extravaganza into the toilet a half hour after finishing. I had totally over-stuffed myself. A few minutes later, I thought I was just having a really heavy period. I certainly felt like I was. I was so off. I went to the bathroom to see if I had started, and saw only a little blood.

No. No, no, no. When I bled, I _bled_. What the actual fuck was this spotting crap?! It did not make sense.

Pissed off, I watched television for an hour and then returned to the bathroom, hoping to find something unpleasant yet relieving.

I was dead silent as I saw that it wasn't there.

* * *

><p>I took a pregnancy test.<p>

No, make that four pregnancy tests, all within an hour and a lot of Sunny-D.

I turned out to be pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, and definitely pregnant.

_I can't just trust a fucking stick that I have to pee on_, I thought. _Is that even accurate?_

Worried sick, I slipped my shoes on and started driving to the nearest walk-in clinic. I needed answers, and I needed them now.

There was something much scarier about a walk-in clinic than the plain old doctor's office. The clinic where my doctor worked was inviting and happy, at least on the outside, before you step behind closed doors and receive bad news.

But the walk-in clinic had a strange vibe, as if to say, _Stay out as long as you can. This is your last resort._

I could have easily said that those thirty minutes of waiting were the worst thirty minutes of my life. Nothing could calm me down. Not whatever the hell was on TV, not the magazines that nobody actually read in the real world, nothing.

I could almost hear the angels singing when a short, pretty blonde - the medical assistant, of course - walked out of a hallway and read my name from a clipboard.

I tried to keep my cool as I followed her through the hallway she came from, and she weighed me. I made sure not to look at the number on the scale. I hated being weighed.

When we were finally in a small room with the bed covered in paper, the medical assistant sat in front of a computer and typed.

"So, what are you in for, Bella?" she asked me, her eyes still on the computer monitor.

"A... A pregnancy test."

"Okay." She typed something into the computer.

Then she asked me a series of questions, like if I had been feeling strange and questions like that. I answered honestly, and it turned out, I could answer yes to almost all the questions.

"Okay, thanks," the assistant said. "Hold on for a sec and Dr. Halstead will be right in."

I nodded. "Okay."

* * *

><p>"Well, Bella," Dr. Halstead said with a smile on his face, "you're pregnant. Congratulations."<p>

_Congratulations? CONGRATULATIONS? _

That was it. If my life hadn't been spiraling down the drain before, it certainly was now. My life was fucked up beyond repair. Fabulous.

"Am I really pregnant?" I asked quietly.

"We ran the test twice, like you wanted us to," Dr. Halstead told me. "You really are pregnant."

I had no idea what to do.

I was silent as Dr. Halstead and the medical assistant (whose name was Maya or Mia or Michelle or something) gave me suggestions and guidelines to my pregnancy. Visit my doctor often, don't do drugs (_fuck!_), don't drink, don't smoke, etcetera.

This was all a bit much for me.

I could not support a baby. I'd heard that babies were a lot of work and that they were expensive to take care of. I was still in high school, Edward would definitely not like this, and I didn't even have a job.

And then there was Charlie. How would he feel about this? Hopefully, he would still accept me and support me.

Goddamnit, this would hurt everyone I cared for. That wasn't an awful lot of people, but still. This wasn't fucking fair. Not to Edward, or Charlie, or Renée, or me.

Edward would be _pissed_. Beyond pissed. This was all my fault. I should have done something. Taken precautions and been more careful.

All that was left to do was tell him.

* * *

><p>It turned out that Edward stayed home that day, too. After texting him that I was on my way there, I drove to his house to find him lounging on the couch in the living room, the TV on, an unlit joint right next to him in an ashtray.<p>

I sat down on the long, leather couch with him. "Hey," I said uneasily.

"Hey," he greeted me. He turned and gave me a twisted, crooked smile. "Wanna smoke? We didn't celebrate four-twenty, you know."

I blinked twice and bit my lip. I must have bit down harder than I'd thought; I drew blood. "I don't think I should," I said.

"Wow, that's the first time you turned down week," he sneered. "You seem like you could have been a stoner in an earlier life or some shit."

I picked at my nail. "It's... It's not that, Edward. I just can't today."

"Well, do you wanna tell me what's wrong?" he asked, lighting a joint himself.

"You really wanna know?" I asked.

He inhaled for what seemed like minutes. "Why not?" he sighed.

I felt like I was about to throw up. "I... Edward, I'm sorry, but... I'm... I'm pregnant."

Edward's face was blank. Totally void of emotions. "Is it mine?" he asked.

"Of course, it's yours, Edward. Whose else's kid could it be?"

He set the joint down. That was a first. "You were fucking that Jacob kid, right?"

"Edward, I haven't seen Jacob in, like, a month, and now, I am a little over a week pregnant. I didn't see anybody last week but you. Don't be stupid."

"But how...?"

I rolled my eyes. "How do you think, Edward? Not using protection gives you babies. And I'm not doing this alone."

"Well, I have to do some things. Why don't you get the fuck out?" He picked up his joint again.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. Seriously. Leave."

"Really? You're just gonna do that to me." I stood up and headed to the door. "I really do hate you, Edward," I said.

I slammed the front door as hard as I could.

* * *

><p>I was pissed.<p>

I was confused.

I was regretful.

I was lost.

I wanted to go to sleep and wake up to discover that this was all just a dream. A horrific, terrible dream. I couldn't lie to myself for this long, though. I was pregnant, and everything was over.

I wanted to lie to myself. Hell yeah, I would have lied to myself. I wanted to be lied to. I would much rather be downright lied to, because the truth hurt. The truth hurt way too much and being lied to was better than dealing with the truth.

But how could I lie to myself now, when I had something - no, not some_thing_ but a some_one_ - growing in my uterus? The six pregnancy tests and a doctor hadn't lied. I was pregnant at the age of eighteen, I was still in school, and my boyfriend couldn't stand me.

And despite that, I really, _really_ wanted to get high. I wanted to drink myself into a coma.

As I lay in my bed, freezing even in the warmth of my blankets, I could only think. I couldn't lie to myself. I could only think about the things that mattered - like the truth. The truth was that I was keeping this baby. I would be looked down upon so much if I aborted it. And I wouldn't have it. However, I knew that there would be a family out there that would want my baby.

It felt so strange thinking the words _my baby_. Ugh, this really was a nightmare. If only I could wake up from it.

I managed to fall asleep, and I woke up at six that night. At least Charlie wouldn't have to order pizza again.

I cooked dinner, and I planned on telling Charlie after we ate. This would be difficult. Charlie was a fucking cop. He'd go after Edward with a shotgun.

So I chickened out. I didn't tell Charlie that I was pregnant. He asked me if anything was wrong later that night, though, and I'd told him no.

I went to sleep, and could only hope for the best.

* * *

><p>Things were okay for a little while. Oh, they were fine. I felt like shit, but I was pretty okay. Edward had stopped talking to me. He'd completely disowned me. At school, he acted like he hadn't even talked to me in my life. He never talked to me outside of school, when he was the person that I needed the most. I avoided any of this talk with Miss Barry, so holding it all in was just making things worse.<p>

But I was okay.

I just wasn't that okay when, three weeks and one day after finding out I was pregnant, I was throwing up, and Charlie heard me.

When I left the bathroom after brushing my teeth, Charlie leaned against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. "You okay there, Bells?" he asked.

I wiped my mouth. "I'm fine."

"Are you telling the truth?" He was totally testing me. It wasn't fair.

"Of course."

"Please, Bella. Just be honest with me. That's the third time I've heard you puking your guts out this week. Are you -?"

I shook my head. "No, I do not have bulimia," I said. "Promise."

Charlie stood up straighter. "I was actually going to ask if you're pregnant."

I tried my best to stay calm and composed. I didn't do or say anything.

"Are you?" Charlie asked.

I blinked. "Yeah. I am."

* * *

><p>I had no idea the fucker was going to kick me out of the house.<p>

Sure, Charlie was mad and disappointed and maybe even embarrassed, but I didn't know he was going to disown me and kick me to the curb.

He made it sound like I was fucking everybody in town, which wasn't the case. It was so unfair.

But Charlie was mad, and he kicked me out of the house. Stunned, and carrying a bag or three of my things, I went out to my truck. I couldn't believe Charlie would do that. He had just kicked his one and only daughter out of the house all because she was pregnant. He'd tried to justify his decision by saying I had it coming, anyway, because of all the trouble I'd gotten into, but I didn't believe him.

I started driving nowhere in particular. I was only a few miles away when it dawned on me that I really did have nobody now.

So, being the pathetic loser that I was, I cried. I stopped the truck, sat in the darkness, and sobbed my eyes out. I was weak. I was stupid, pregnant, and weak. I was a failure. Even my own father couldn't handle me anymore.

And I'd thought I hit rock bottom before.

Nearly dying last September, having horrible photos of me shared to everybody, and losing my job? _No, honey, that was just the beginning. You're not finished yet._

I was about to spend the night in my car, when suddenly, I had another for a place to say. They wouldn't say no. With Edward ignoring me and Jacob way behind me, I had one last option.

* * *

><p>"Please, Angela?" I pleaded. "<em>Please<em>?"

Angela Weber seemed to be considering whether this was a good or bad idea as we stood on her porch at ten o'clock that night. She was the only person that I could really be with now. I had nowhere to stay... but her house. Angela's parents liked me.

"Okay, okay," Angela said, "but it's only temporary."

I smiled. "Thanks. And I think he's only kicking me out temporarily."

Angela let me inside her seemingly empty house. Her parents had gone out and her twin brothers were asleep.

"You can stay in the guest room," Angela told me as we went upstairs, and at that moment, I was thankful that I had a friend like Angela. She was such a good friend.

"And are you sure your parents won't mind?" I asked her, setting my things down on the guest room's bed.

"I don't think they will," Angela said. "They like you."

I nodded. "Thanks so much, Ang."

She smiled warmly. "No problem, Bella."

* * *

><p>"I cannot believe he kicked you out," Angela said a half hour later. We were sitting on the couch, drinking tea.<p>

"Me neither," I said. "It was so stupid. Like... I just can't believe it."

Angela took a sip of her tea. "How did Edward react?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes. "To what, me being pregnant or getting kicked out of the house?"

"Both."

"Well, he hated me being pregnant, and when I called him tonight to tell him I was kicked out, he didn't answer the phone. He hates me now."

Angela nodded. "Yeah, I kind of thought something was up. He doesn't seem to be talking to you at school that much anymore."

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Are you gonna keep the baby?"

"Yeah. I'd feel bad if I didn't. I might go for adoption, though."

"Yeah, that's a smart decision."

"One point for me," I said bitterly.

Angela laughed softly. "I hope things will work out, Bella," she said.

"I hope so, too."

Angela stood up and went to the kitchen, putting her mug in the sink. "I'm exhausted," she said. "I'm going to bed in a second."

I stood up and went to the kitchen, too. "Same," I said. "We still have school tomorrow."

"Sadly."

"I know."

I put my mug in the sink next to Angela's. "Can you... can you not tell anyone about this?" I asked. "I'd rather not have the entire school torment me even more until graduation."

Angela nodded. "Of course I won't, Bella. I won't tell a soul."

"Thank you, Angela. I really appreciate this." I hugged her. "I know, I'm messed up."

"The whole world is messed up," she told me. "You just have to make the best out of it."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **And that was "Question Existing." Now, my loves, what did you guys think? I'll see you guys again on Monday, or maybe even Sunday. You know I'll be writing it all on my phone in the mean time. ;) (Seriously, though, I do write chunks of my chapters on my phone.) Write that review. You know how much that helps me? it helps A LOT. _

_Stay awesome, try not to get pregnant, and eat some Nutella (I just tried it for the first time, and that is some BOMB spread right there),_

_MusicTwilightLove. xoxo_


	24. Too Close

_**A/N: **Hey, guys! I'm back! WOO! I'm gonna make this short, because this chapter is long as hell. So, yeah. This chapter has tongue-in-cheek humor to the things I've discussed with a couple of my readers. Wahaha, I think I'm so funny. So, here is "Too Close" inspired by the Alex Clare song. (It's a cool-ass song.) Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Too Close<em>**

* * *

><p>I'd been out of the house for a week when I decided that I would take a trip to La Push. Jacob would be surprised, of course, but I needed to see him. I just did.<p>

After doing homework with Angela, I drove down the familiar road to Jacob's house.

It had been a long two months without Jacob. I fixed my hair into a neat, low ponytail and adjusted my loose top before getting out of the truck. I was sort of excited to see Jake. It had been too long. I wasn't the happiest person in the world, but I was a bit more composed so I could actually see someone that wasn't Angela.

But I was still excited. Sort of.

Trying to ignore my nerves, I knocked on the front door four times.

When Jacob swung the door open, he looked significantly different now than he had two months ago, when I last saw him. He'd gotten his hair cut again, he'd obviously been working out, and he was taller. He had to be at least six foot four now. Wow. An entire foot taller than me.

It was still hard to believe that he was younger than me, only seventeen. He was like a baby.

Jacob had changed for the better, and I would have said he looked great if he didn't look so mad at me. His face was hard as we stood at the doorframe, and I knew that he was not okay.

"Hey," I said with a small smile.

"Hey, Bella," he sighed.

"Can we talk?" I asked, gesturing to my truck.

He shrugged. "Sure."

We were soon sitting in the bed of my truck on opposite sides, because the weather was just too nice.

"So you're pregnant?" he asked.

Of course he knew. Charlie had told Billy, and Billy had told Jake. Charlie and Billy gossiped like old women half the time, anyway, so Jake would eventually find out. You know gossip's bad around here when even people in La Push know things after a little while. I was surprised people from my school didn't know yet.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"And Edward knows, right?"

I nodded again. "I'm sorry, Jake."

"Why should you be apologizing to _me_?" he asked. "It's not mine so it doesn't matter, right? This shouldn't have anything to do with me."

That was the last thing I expected him to say. Tears stung in my eyes, and I took a deep breath. "Jake, I... I am so sorry for lying to you and treating you like shit and... everything."

"It's a little too late now," he said.

"Just don't be mad at me," I whispered.

Jake wasn't even looked at me. He was too focused on the empty, quiet road, watching as if something would happen.

"Being mad at you now would be ridiculous," he said.

"So...?" I prompted.

"So I think it's better if we break things off for good."

_No._

"Giving up on me would be horrible, Jake," I said. "You're one of the only people I have left."

"Well, there's nothing I can do for you by staying in your life, Bella. I'm done with you." He sounded like he meant it. He wasn't a liar.

"Please, Jake."

"You know I don't break promises," he continued, "but I can't do this anymore."

I put my hand on his and kept it there. "Look at me, Jake," I said. He didn't move. "Look at me, dammit!"

He actually did turn to look at me straight in the eyes.

"Don't," I said. The hot tears had already started running down my face and I felt pathetic. "Don't be like this," I told him. "Everybody hates me. Edward, my dad… I'm sorry, and I need you."

"You know I still love you, Bella," he said, his brown eyes smoldering, "but I have to end things for good. It's better for you, and it's better for me, too. I can't deal with this anymore."

"But—"

"I'm done. It's time for me to move along already. I am too close to breaking, Bella. Maybe I'm not ready for you yet, but I still need to move forward. Me and you being stuck on each other like this isn't helping—at all. It's only better for the both of us to break up already. We haven't even seen each other in two months. Have a good life, honey."

"Maybe we can work things out—" I said, but he interrupted me.

"That's not enough," he said, still holding my hand. "I love you. I love you so much, but I can't do this anymore."

"Remember us?" I asked him. I sniffled. "You told me you loved me. Remember when we first kissed? At a party?"

He nodded.

"Think about that," I told him. "Think about our first time having sex. Remember how fantastic that was? Remember all the times after that? You told me that you'd be with me forever. You even said that you wanted to _marry_ me, if we were older and smarter."

Jake took a deep breath. "I would hate to hurt you, Bella," he said, "but I am. I'm done. Can't you accept that?"

He let my hand go, gently wiped away my tears (which only caused more to flow as I let out a pitiful, choked sob), and kissed me on the cheek, his lips so soft, so memorable.

"Please, Jacob—" I whispered.

"Goodbye, Bella."

He got out of the truck and went back into his house. I watched him walk all the way to his door. He didn't look behind him. Not even once. I got out of the bed of the truck and sat in the driver's seat for minutes.

I later wiped more of my tears away and took off the charm bracelet that Jacob had given me last winter. What an amazing winter it had been.

I flung the bracelet at his house and drove away.

* * *

><p>I still couldn't believe it, even hours later. Jacob was supposed to be my partner, my best friend and lover at the same time. He wasn't supposed to just leave me like that. Maybe he was right. Maybe this really was for the both of us, but I couldn't believe it now. I didn't know what to believe.<p>

Jacob was everything to me. _Everything. _Nobody could compare to Jacob. Not even Edward could.

I thought of the happy times Jake and I'd had together. Good times, stressful times. Euphoric times. I could imagine his smell, his body, his hair, his _everything_, now.

I'd shared everything with Jacob. My body, my soul. He knew me inside and out. And he had dumped me.

I hated that word so much. _Dumped._ It was such a stupid word. I didn't feel dumped, though, exactly. I was already at rock bottom. I felt more abandoned than dumped. Jake was so ready to move on and advance through life. He had potential. Lots of it.

He'd said that he wasn't ready for me. What did that mean? That he wasn't on my level? Or he didn't want to be as low as I was? Maybe he meant that as in he wasn't ready to give up on life already, as I had. I was a horrible example. I'd been a bad influence on Jake from the moment I'd reconnected with him.

Jacob knew how to fix things, though, and he had fixed me before, but now I had to believe that I was broken beyond repair. Not even Jacob could help me this time, and he knew this. This was why we weren't together anymore. I was too much for him.

It pained me to realize that I had messed everything up once again. The only thing left to mess up in my life was my relationship with Angela—sweet, sincere Angela Weber—and that couldn't happen. I would end up "accidentally" falling from a cliff if I ruined that, too.

* * *

><p>I did not feel like going to school the next day, but I knew I had to. I had to talk get my grades together most importantly, but I also had to see Miss Barry, for the last time.<p>

I went into Miss Barry's little room at lunch without knocking first. I caught her drinking a soda and reading a magazine. Her (bottle) blonde hair was up in a ponytail and she was dressed casually. Of course she was. Today was Friday.

"Oh, you surprised me, Bella," she said, setting her can of soda down and pushing her magazine to the side. With a friendly smile, she asked, "Do you want to talk?"

I nodded and sat down.

"Your father hasn't been contacting me lately," Miss Barry said. "Is everything alright?" I wonder if she knew about Edward hitting me. She probably didn't.

I took a second to get my heartbeat even. I was so damn nervous. "I'm okay," I finally said. "It's just that… I don't live with my dad anymore."

"Wanna tell me what happened?"

"I got kicked out."

Miss Barry's eyebrows shot up. "Why?" she asked.

I twiddled my thumbs around in my lap. "Um… You remember Edward Cullen, right? My ex-boyfriend?"

She nodded. "Of course I do. He just moved back a while ago. What about him?"

I took a deep breath and knew that I wouldn't regret saying what I was about to say. I trusted Miss Barry. "We hooked up, and now I'm pregnant," I told her. "We were being stupid and we weren't even supposed to be seeing each other but we still did and we weren't even high and… Oh my God."

"Slow down, Bella," Miss Barry said. Surprisingly, her expression was calm. Maybe she was trained in being calm in the presence of hysterical teenagers.

"Do we need to call anyone?" she asked.

"I… I don't know," I said, "but my dad does know and he got so pissed."

"If you're not living with him now, then where are you living?" Miss Barry asked.

"A friend's place."

"Alright, then. If you want, we can call some people and then—"

"Miss Barry," I interrupted, "I'm not asking for help. I'm here to tell you that… I'm not going to take your counseling anymore."

"Why not, Bella?" She didn't look hurt, but understanding. Maybe she was trained in that, too.

I didn't know how I would say this, though. Just dropping counseling would make it seem like it was all a waste.

"Um… Miss Barry, I appreciate your help. I appreciate it so much. But I feel like I need to have some me time. I'm… I'm going through a lot right now, with trying to graduate and study for finals. And then there are the personal things, like being pregnant, trying to find a job, and figuring myself out. You've helped me a lot, and I'm grown so, _so_ much over the months, but I am done with counseling for the year."

Miss Barry's face softened a bit. She blinked twice. "Well, I guess if that's what you personally want, then do what you need to do. I'm glad I was a help, Bella. You've improved so much in the amount of time you've spent with me."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"You have my phone number, though," she said. "If you ever need to talk to me, don't hesitate. Okay?"

"Okay."

"It's been a pleasure working with you," she said as I got up. "You're the best client I've ever had. I'm proud of you. Keep in touch."

I gave her a small smile before I left. "I will."

* * *

><p>I went back to the cafeteria, and the air was intense at the table I sat at, and even the nearby tables. I got the stink eye from at least five different people before sitting down next to Angela. It was still strange that Edward didn't have the same lunch period as me before. When he moved back, his schedule was changed so we didn't have many classes or even lunch together.<p>

I would have rather sat with him, though, because nobody at my table of so-called friends talked to me. Even Angela was a little distant. Jessica and Lauren being cold toward me was understandable. Expected, even. But even Mike ignored me.

After minutes of silence (with Jessica and Lauren murmuring in the background), I finally said something.

"Do I look bad or something?" I asked the table, my eyes, meeting everyone's. "Or are you guys plotting against me, since everything is my fault?"

"Sorry," Mike said, "but you're pregnant."

I gave Angela an accusing glance.

"I didn't tell anyone," she said. "I swear."

"And why the fuck should that matter, Mike?" I asked him.

I looked at Jessica, and she rolled her eyes. "I didn't even know until this morning. Anyway, Bella, we don't like you anymore because you're a slut."

"Oh, right." I turned to Mike and asked him, "So I'm a slut now?"

He shrugged.

"You can't say anything to me in my face, so you just gossip to Jessica, right?"

He shrugged again. Wow. Mike, who was supposed to be my friend, had totally given up on me. _Everybody_ was giving up on me. It really wasn't fair.

I stood up with my tray in my hands. "Well, fuck all of you," I said. I threw my food away and left. I didn't feel stronger, though. I felt betrayed.

* * *

><p>"I still can't believe you told everyone," I told Angela that day after school.<p>

"Bella," she said, looking up from her homework, "I already told you. I didn't tell anybody."

I closed my Calculus textbook. I was too upset to work. "Right," I said. "Who else could have told?"

"I don't know, maybe the guy that got you pregnant?" she asked, rolling her eyes. "He seems like a dick, anyway. No offense."

"None taken. But he doesn't even want to be seen with me anymore," I said. "Why would he do that?"

"I don't know, for attention? Bella, I don't know—or even care—anymore. People already know that you're pregnant. You won't even be showing by the time we graduate. Relax."

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed. "Who _are_ you!? Angela, I thought you were my friend. Friends don't do this."

"I _am_ your friend, Bella. Friends are supposed to be honest. I'm just honestly telling you that you need to get over it, because people already know you're pregnant. There's nothing that you, or me, or anyone can do about it." She returned to her homework.

I shook my head and got my backpack together. "I knew I couldn't trust you."

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Getting my things," I said as I made my way upstairs to the guest room. "I'm leaving."

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later, my bags were in my truck and I was about to leave. I stood at the door with Angela.<p>

"Do you really want to leave?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowed.

I nodded. "I do. I'm not sure if I can trust you anymore."

She handed me my backpack. "Fine. Bye, then."

"See you at school?"

"Whatever." She closed the door in my face.

_Damn._

I went into my truck and drove to the only place I could think of going: Edward's house.

* * *

><p>He wasn't home, so I sat in my truck and waited for him. I needed to talk to him. He couldn't act like he didn't know me anymore. I wouldn't allow it.<p>

I'd been waiting for half an hour when Edward in his Volvo pulled into the driveway next to my truck.

I got out of my car and met him at his.

"What are you doing here?" he asked me at the same time I asked him, "What the hell is your problem?"

"You tell me first," he said as he leaned against the door of his Volvo.

"I need to talk to you, since you obviously don't feel like even acknowledging my existence."

"What the fuck are you saying?" he sneered.

"You've been ignoring me ever since I told you that I'm… you know, pregnant. It's really, _really_ not fair."

"_You're _the one that fucked up, Bella."

I was becoming even more frustrated by the second. "Edward, you have to accept that you were wrong, too. And you _are_ the father of this child. You… you can't just drop me and pretend like you've never seen me before in your life. I think you owe me."

He folded his arms across his chest. "And why should _I_ owe _you_?"

I rolled my eyes. "You didn't use a condom. Being with me is the least you could do."

"And what would you do if I don't?" he challenged.

"I'll tell."

"Tell what?"

"I'll tell everyone that you hit me."

"Ha. Right. Nobody's going to believe you, Bella."

"And what makes you think that they won't?"

"Everyone hates you. They're just going to assume you're on drugs the entire time, which you pretty much were."

"I know one person that would believe me."

"One person's not going to get you anywhere. Think about it, Bella. You're trouble."

"I'm only trouble because of you," I murmured.

"But you're still trouble. And I wouldn't have messed with you if you hadn't just stayed good. You were on the way to being troublesome, anyway. Don't lie to yourself."

"I'm not lying to myself, Edward."

"Well, you sound like it." He lit a cigarette for himself. "Grow up."

"Edward, why don't _you_ grow up?!"

He looked at me, and there was hell in his eyes. "You're gutsy, aren't you?"

I was silent.

"You're only saying this because you know I won't hurt you," he said quietly.

He was right.

"You're not holding any of this against me, okay?" he asked. "Because I don't have to only hurt you. I know there are still people you care about. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean I can't do something to people you care for, including myself."

His words sent chills down my spine.

"So stop," he said. "You know how strong I am, and you know what I can do."

I nodded. "Okay, then. Fine."

Then he told me he loved me. I even ended up moving in with him that night. It was so easy for him to cover up his tracks. It was hard for me to not let him cover his tracks, because I knew what he was capable of. I knew more than enough.

* * *

><p>That weekend was strange. Moving into the Cullen home didn't take long, but it took some warming up to from Esme and Alice. Well, more of Esme. She was sort of nice, but I could tell that she wasn't comfortable with Edward and I being under the same roof, because we weren't supposed to be seeing each other. The Charlie situation had been done with, though. Neither I nor Esme talked to Charlie anymore, so he didn't matter.<p>

After the weekend, I went to school on Monday with Edward, and I was even more ostracized by my peers. That was when Edward told me that he'd told people he'd gotten me pregnant. What a genius.

Not even Angela was on my side anymore. She wasn't against me like everyone else was, but we definitely weren't as close. I missed her already.

The first half of my day had been a royal pain in the ass, and lunch wasn't much better. It was like the third lunch period was the sanctuary of drama. It had the most seniors, it seemed (and the class of two thousand and ten was an interesting one), and it was rowdy as hell.

I'd heard snide remarks and seen cold glares before—this was what I got from the assholes at school for either being pregnant, having those photos, or simply existing—but when I got out of the cafeteria line and walked toward Jessica's table (since I had nowhere else to go), I heard Jessica sneer, "I knew she was a slut from the day I met her."

Jess looked up at me and smiled falsely. It was what she did best, after all.

"Were you just talking about me?" I asked her.

Everybody at the table—Angela, Mike, Ben, Lauren, Tyler, everybody—was staring up and Jessica and I. For theatrics, I guessed, Jessica stood in front of me. She wasn't intimidating, because she was so short, but she must have thought she was tough. And here we were again.

"Actually," she said, "I was. What are you going to do about it? You're _pregnant_, after all. Maybe you're such a slut that you can't even function."

I wanted to punch this girl so hard. I wanted to smash her face in so she could finally leave me alone. I was so pissed off.

So I did what any pissed off girl holding a plate of oily, messy, cafeteria spaghetti would do.

Ruthlessly, I shoved the plate right into Jessica's face. It even got in her hair, too. Good. The mess slid down her face and onto her pretty white top. Oh, the horror.

The entire cafeteria was silent.

I smiled at Jessica. "I'm better at showing than telling," I told her. I sat down, and that was when she poured an entire carton of chocolate milk onto my head.

Then some idiot that obviously watched too many teen movies yelled, "Food fight!" All of a sudden, food was being hurled everywhere. It was disgusting. By the time I'd made it out of the cafeteria, I'd been hit with various foods, and I felt disgusting. Pizza sauce on my pants, chocolate milk in my hair, etcetera, etcetera.

Jessica managed to get out, too, and I knew that I wasn't finished with her yet. I knocked the bitch down, and punched her in the face, pinning her to the ground. She pulled my hair and scratched at my face. I was definitely winning. Jessica couldn't fight for shit.

It hadn't been long when two teachers—Gym teachers—pulled us away from each other. Jessica wasn't so smug about things now. Neither was I.

* * *

><p>After breaking up the food fight, the principal had me and Jessica in his office. He must have been pissed, not because Jessica and I had fought, but because we were both covered in food and milk and bruises and a little blood, and we were sitting in his pretty little office.<p>

Sitting behind his desk, Mr. Greene shook his head and said, "I am so disappointed in the two of you. Two honors students, having some of the best grades in your class, fighting. What were you fighting about, anyway?"

I opened my mouth to speak but Jessica spoke instead. "What really happened, Mr. Greene," she said efficiently, like the valedictorian bitch that she was, "was that Bella threw food at me, after I did nothing to her. And then she started beating me up. I was only defending myself."

I rolled my eyes, "That's total bullshit—"

"Language," Mr. Greene interrupted.

"Well, it _is!_" I exclaimed. "She called me a slut."

"Aren't you?" Jessica asked me.

I was about to say something back, but Mr. Greene told us to both be quiet. I knew that I wouldn't get out of this situation very well. Something about the fact that Jessica being the valedictorian had me thinking she'd get things easier.

And she did.

* * *

><p>I, on the other hand, got suspended for a week.<p>

Charlie didn't know. Renee would never know (since she knew nothing about my life, anyway). Edward just laughed. He was surprised that I was such a fighter. He really knew nothing about my life in Phoenix, then. The older girls and I were queens.

But I was still suspended for a week, and according to Mr. Greene, I'd gotten it easy, because of finals. Right.

I had nothing to do that entire week. Edward didn't stay home, so I was stuck in the house alone. Esme was a workaholic so she only got home at night. Alice went to school, too, and she always came home before it was dark out, because she was always with friends. What a popular person she was.

I remembered when I'd hated school. Over my suspension, I realized that I would only love to go back. All I could do was wait for it to be over.

* * *

><p>"Wow, Jessica," I said at lunch a week later, as I was finally done with my suspension, "you had me fooled, all year long. I used to think that you were just stupid. Looks like you got me."<p>

I set my tray down right across from her and sat down. We were currently the only people at the table.

"Oh, really?" she asked. "And how?"

I shrugged. "If you tried to fight me, say, last school year, you wouldn't have gotten away with everything."

Jessica set her fork down and pushed her salad to the side. "Yes, and?"

"And it's pretty damn convenient how _this_ year you happened to be, oh, I don't know, the captain of the volleyball team, the captain of the softball team, a leader in track, a basketball manager, a football manager, and a junior coach for the swim team. Not to mention a candidate for Homecoming Queen _and_ Prom Queen. Also, being the president of the student council and class valedictorian helps your reputation, too."

Jessica's face stayed the same. "So I was busy this year. What's your point?"

"My point is that it's almost like you set everything up."

"How the hell could—"

"You wouldn't have tried to fuck with me for the last few weeks if you didn't have all that on your belt. Nobody punished the top student, ever. You could never fight me outside of school because, quite frankly, you'd get your ass kicked. So you always try to mess with me in school because we both know you'd never get the blame."

Jessica smirked. "I admit it, then, Bella. I'm smart. You're only stupid if you get caught, and, um, I think we both know which one of us is the stupid one. I've never been fired for spilling nude photos, after all."

"I didn't even post those photos myself."

"And _I'm_ not the one that got knocked up by a shit boyfriend," she continued. "I also didn't fall apart after a breakup and tried to kill myself. And if I'm correct, you blew some guy at a party last January and got caught by his friend, right? I'm not failing anything, either. In fact, I haven't really done _anything_ that you did this year, Bella. I used to think that you were a smart girl. Maybe you could have given me a run for my money in English. Guess not."

"Listen, Stanley—"

"No, Swan. My work here is done. If we were having a competition to see who could fuck up the most this year, then fine. You won fair and square. But I do not have the time and patience to be fucked with. If you think I'm plotting against you right now, think again. You were a smart person, Bella, and that may have faded and you're still going down, but don't expect me to go there with you. I'm officially done messing with you. Hell, I'll even sign a paper to prove it. It got boring, anyway, as you already fail on your own."

She picked up her salad and moved to a different table.

_And it's over._

* * *

><p>Edward and I hung out that night. He decided not to go out with whomever the fuck and get high. It was almost endearing.<p>

I asked him about his time in New Hampshire. I must have forgotten what he'd said last time. This time he told me it was semi-enjoyable when his siblings were around. He talked about Rosalie and Jasper like they were the greatest people on Earth. Edward loved them, so much.

When I asked Edward if he'd dated anyone there, he told me that he'd dated one girl, but then he told me about Rosalie's friends. Apparently, Rosalie had been friends with them since they were sixteen.

"You are so lucky I didn't hook up with three hot, blonde Russian chicks and their hot Hispanic friend. Well, one was a redhead, sorta, but yeah." Edward's eyes looked far away, like he hadn't seen these "hot" women in decades.

"And what the hell does this have to do with me?" I asked.

Edward shrugged. "I don't know, but Rosalie had friends over a while ago. They were hot. You should have seen them."

I sighed and resumed watching season one of _Dexter_ on DVD. Maybe serial killers would get Edward's mind away from Rosalie's friends.

* * *

><p>Dexter killed Brian, Edward didn't care (because <em>Dexter<em> was his favorite show, what a surprise), and I cried. Same as always.

I was using Edward's laptop later that night, and the report of a missing girl was trending, apparently. She was from Concord, New Hampshire.

"Hey," I said, "there's this girl from New Hampshire that went missing last March, Edward. Her body was just found last week."

"And what the hell does that have to do with me?"

I showed him the girl's photo on the computer. "It says she was our age," I said, "and she went to the same high school that you did. Her name was Ali Sullivan. Maybe you knew her?"

Edward stared at the photo for a while. "I dated her for, like, a week."

I got the strange feeling that he was lying to me, but did he ever not lie?

"Did you know her well?" I asked.

Edward shook his head. "Nah. Just some stupid whore that I only fucked once. It wasn't even good." He stood up and got his car keys. "I'm going to the store," he said. "I'll be back later." He left the house quickly.

I was glad I hadn't mentioned that Ali had disappeared only two days before Edward had returned to Forks.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Still alive? Haha, that was the twenty-fourth chapter, "Too Close." I promise, the only reason why it's so long is because I've been gone for a LONG time. Thoughts? Leave a review. I love 'em._

_Eat some Nutella, fly a kite, pelvic thrust,_

_MTL. xo_

_OH AND GUESS WHAT I SAW? I just saw that twelve chapters ago was when Bella and Jake got together. Sobbing, bye._

_BY THE WAY ALSO, I hope you guys are catching my drift on the actual things that happened in the Saga. You know, at the end of that one chapter of this fanfic when Bella was like, "Jake, you and your idiot friends can't fight Edward because Edward has idiot friends, too" and Jake was like, "We'll be fine"? Haha, that was like in New Moon when Bella was like, "You can't hurt vampires; they'll hurt you" and Jake was like, "You have no confidence in the pack." Catch my drift? I don't know, just a little something extra. I have too much fun with this._


	25. Be Calm :: Carry On

**Disclaimer: _The Cullens are all biologically related. So, they all came from the same place (aka Esme's chamber of secrets). As weird as it looks, Rosalie and Jasper are Cullens. They will never be Hales. All the Cullen kids are Cullens. _**

**_Also, Edward's birthday is in September (Sept. 4th, to be exact) in this fanfic because I felt like changing it. Sorry bout it._**

**_Author's Note:_**_ Okay, lovelies. I know I said I wouldn't update, but I had to. I really, really did. So, here is the next chapter, inspired by "Be Calm" and "Carry On" both by the band Fun. Also, "Scheiße"__ by Lady Gaga inspired this, but __"Schei_ße" (pronounced "shiza") is German for the word "shit." And I was like, no way is gonna take this fanfic down because a chapter name is a foreign translation for "shit" so yeah. Here is "Be Calm :: Carry On :: Schei_ße."___

* * *

><p><em><em><em><strong>Be Calm :: Carry On (:: Schei<em>ße)<em>**___

* * *

><p>The school year left as fast as it came. Finals, graduation, senior prom. Done. I wasn't allowed to participate in any of the fun senior activities like prom, though, because of my suspension, but I really couldn't have cared less. I wouldn't even have a date.<p>

Time passed lethargically. Edward continued to go out, I stayed home bored, and I hadn't heard a word from my friends. They really knew how to surprise a person.

It happened on a nice July morning (I was on my fourteenth week of pregnancy and everything was going fine), and I'd taken the time to go to Charlie's house to retrieve more of my items. I was glad he hadn't confiscated my house key.

I had the radio cranked up—loudly and obnoxiously—as I took my time packing and gathering my things together. I didn't want to leave anything behind. My Friday morning was somewhat enjoyable as I rediscovered old things in my closet and listened to songs that I wasn't sick of yet.

I must have totally missed the front door opening and three people entering the house.

I was halfway done when I heard a knock on my open bedroom door. I turned and saw Kelly, Carlie, and Lucy—my three best friends from Phoenix—standing at my door.

Before I could say anything, Kelly smirked and said, "I thought you knew better than to lock your door. You're lucky a serial killer didn't get you first."

I could have burst into laughter—or tears—as I got up and hugged my friends. It was strange in a way, but they smelled the same. They felt the same. They _were_ the same. Hadn't changed a bit (minus minor hair modifications). I was glad I hadn't affected them, too.

* * *

><p>"So should I take you out to lunch or call the police for breaking and entering?" I asked as the four of us sat in my living room. I'd totally put my packing on hold.<p>

"Lunch, please," Carlie said. "I didn't fly up here to be arrested. At least, not on the first day."

I laughed, and stress was immediately taken off my shoulders. "What are you guys even doing here?" I asked my friends.

"It was my idea," Lucy shrilled, in her ever-so-Lucy way. "We haven't seen you since Christmas."

"How did you even find me here?" I asked.

"I asked around," Carlie said. "Lucy didn't want to. It took a while to find your place, though. Now tell me, Swan, is there anything fun to do here?"

"Fun meaning, including hot guys?" I asked for clarification.

Carlie laughed. "Of course."

"Yes, then. La Push is full of hot guys," I told her. "Trust me."

"What the fuck is La Push?" Kelly snickered. "A new form of constipation?"

"Hey, I heard the beaches are there are nice," Lucy defended.

"No, Kelly," I laughed. "And Lucy's right. The beaches are _gorgeous_."

"I think we should go," Carlie said.

"You have a boyfriend," Kelly reminded Carlie.

"Shush."

"I hope one of you has a rental car," I said, "because my truck isn't going to get the four of us anywhere."

"Oh, that piece of crap in the driveway?" Carlie asked. "I knew it was the right house when I saw it."

"Hey, don't hate the truck," I told Carlie.

"It wasn't _that_ bad, Carlie," Lucy said. "I think it's sort of cute."

"And that's why I love Lucy so much," I sighed. "She doesn't judge me."

Lucy hugged me. "I know."

"Ah, shut up," Carlie said, standing up. "Let's go to La Push. I'll drive."

"Nope," Kelly said as she stood up. "I've got the keys, and you'd get us into a car accident."

"Shotgun," I called. I stood up and playfully punched Carlie in the arm. "Kel's right."

* * *

><p>"Wow, I'm surprised none of you said anything about me being pregnant," I said as we all sat in Kelly's rental car. Kelly was putting the address of a La Push restaurant into the GPS.<p>

And there was silence.

"You guys thought I was just getting fat, right?" I asked.

"Would you like me to be honest or would you like me to lie?" Lucy asked from behind me.

"Honesty, please."

"I thought you were pregnant," she said, "but I didn't want to say anything in case you _were_ getting fat."

"Same here," Kelly said. She finally finished typing into the GPS. "God, I feel bad for you, though."

"Yeah, I know," I said.

"What are you going to do?" Kelly asked thoughtfully as she backed out of the driveway.

Ugh, I hoped this wouldn't ruin things. "I was going to choose adoption," I admitted, "but I think I'm going to keep it."

"It's the Jacob guy's kid, right?" Carlie asked.

"No, it's my first boyfriend's."

"Didn't you say he's a dick?" Kelly asked.

"I did," I clarified, "but he came back and… I guess people change?"

"Right, right."

"It's takes over half an hour to get to La Push?" Carlie asked. "Damn."

"It'll be worth it, though," Lucy said.

"Exactly," I agreed. I just hoped I wouldn't see anyone I knew there.

* * *

><p>We caught up over lunch. Desert Vista High's graduation had gone smoothly, the senior prom had been crazy, and people hadn't changed. My friends made sure not to mention Benjamin.<p>

Benjamin had been my best friend in Phoenix. Or maybe he'd been more than that. He'd been a totally confidant to me. My better half completely. We'd totally understood each other. The only problems were that we'd both smoked weed, all the time, and I'd been afraid to admit to myself that I loved him. But I did. I'd loved him, and I still did. Thankfully, I was able to let go of him after his death. Driving a sports car under the influence wasn't one of his best decisions.

And here I was, thinking about him when I'd vowed to myself not to. I had problems. At least Carlie, Lucy, and Kelly knew not to mention him, though.

"You know," Carlie said, after sipping her iced tea dramatically, "I want to meet this guy, the one that knocked you up."

I snickered. Nobody wanted to meet Edward. "Why?" I asked.

Carlie batted her eyelashes. "He must be pretty damn special if he was able to get into your panties and work his magic."

Lucy and Kelly giggled.

"Oh yes, Carlie," I said sarcastically. "He's the most perfect person in the world. I have crazily high standards, of course."

"Aww, hon, I didn't mean that! Really, though, I want to meet him. He sounds pretty damn important, and you said people change." Carlie's face was sincere.

"Fine," I said. "You can meet him tonight."

"What's his name?" Kelly asked.

"Edward. Edward Cullen."

"Ooh, Edward Cullen," Lucy repeated. "Sounds dapper."

"Ha," I said. "You'll see."

* * *

><p>I managed to go to La Push and back without accidentally seeing anybody I knew, even at the beach. It wasn't hot enough to really do anything there, but it was still enjoyable.<p>

"How's Washington weather treating you?" I asked them as I drove to the Cullens' house (it was still hard to consider it as my home now).

"It's a fuckload cooler than Phoenix," Carlie said. "I like it."

"Yeah," Kelly said, "it's nice."

"Is it supposed to get any hotter this week?" Lucy asked.

"I don't think so," I replied. "This is as hot as it's going to get. Hey, how long will you guys be here?"

"We're leaving on Monday," Lucy declared.

"Only they're going back to Phoenix and I'm going to New York," Kelly added.

"New York?" I asked, confused.

"I'll be visiting family," Kelly clarified. "And I'm going for my own personal happiness, anyway."

"Take me with you," Lucy groaned. "I don't want to do college crap."

"University of Phoenix, right?" I guessed.

"Yes," my friends responded at the same time.

I started pulling into the driveway of the Cullens' house.

"Wow," Lucy said, emphasizing the word. "Nice house. Your boyfriend lives here?"

"Yeah," I replied ruefully. "I do, too. Charlie kicked me out."

"Damn," Kelly interjected. "At least Edward's family is generous."

"I know."

We got out of the car and I led the way to the front door. I unlocked it and turned to my friends. "If it's a mess, sorry. Edward's a dumb-ass."

I opened the door. "Ta-da!" I exclaimed. "Boring, right?"

"God, no," Kelly said, looking around the living room. "It's gorgeous. They're art freaks, aren't they?"

"No, actually," I remarked. "But Edward's mom is an interior designer. She likes to keep things nice and organized."

"I can tell," Carlie said. "This house is awesome."

"It is," Lucy agreed.

I wondered where Edward was. His car was even in the driveway.

Almost on cue—almost like he could read my mind, too—I heard someone walking downstairs. I looked over at the staircase and saw Edward, in shorts and a t-shirt, making his way downstairs and into the living room. His facial expression was less than pleased.

"Hey, babe," I greeted him as he walked over next to me.

"Hey," he murmured. He gestured to my friends. "And who are these people?"

"Edward, these are my friends, from Phoenix. Kelly, Lucy, Carlie, this is Edward."

Kelly shook Edward's hand. "I'm Kelly. It's nice to meet you."

Lucy shook his hand's next. "My name's Lucy."

Carlie shook his hand last and said, "Call me Carlie. I've heard about you."

"And what, exactly, have you heard about me?" Edward asked. His eyebrows were furrowed.

Carlie smiled devilishly. "Things. Anyway, congratulations on the baby. I wish you two the best."

"Thanks," Edward replied warily.

He claimed to have been doing something, and then he went upstairs.

Carlie burst into laughter the second he was upstairs. "Oh my days," she sighed, "he seems like a dick, no offense, Bella."

"None taken," I said. "You were, like, really messing with him."

"He hasn't seen me messing with him yet," Carlie told me. "Believe me, things can get worse."

"She's right," Lucy added.

"Yeah," Kelly said, "she knows how to fuck with people."

"God, I missed you guys," I said.

* * *

><p>"I don't care what you have to say, but I'm going to take you guys out tonight," I said. "All this shit's running through my head and I really don't care anymore."<p>

We were in my friends' hotel room, and they were getting ready to go out to dinner and a movie. It was my treat; I was glad I had some money saved up.

"Really? Whatever we'd like?" Lucy asked as she fixed the strap of her heel.

"Of course."

Kelly's iPhone continued to blast Lady Gaga, whom she was still obsessed with. I didn't particularly care for Lady Gaga, but it seemed like Kelly was trying to change that.

Carlie was the first to be done getting ready. "What movie do you want to see?" she asked me.

"I don't know, it's your choice," I reminded her. "What's out?"

"I don't know, shit like _Charlie St. Cloud_ and _Dinner for Schmucks. _And some other movie's been in theaters forever now."

"Which movie?" Kelly asked.

"_The Twilight Saga: Eclipse_ or some title like that."

"What the fuck is that?" I asked. I'd never even heard of that movie.

Carlie shrugged. "I don't even know, and I don't want to."

It was amazing how my friends hadn't changed a bit. I loved that. I felt strong with my friends. I wished I could be strong without them, but that wouldn't happen. I knew that I'd feel alone again as soon as they left, but I tried to not think of that now. Maybe I could pick up on their strength.

* * *

><p>Dinner was fine, and we ended up retreating back to their hotel room to watch DVDs instead. Nobody had the patience for a Zac Efron drama, a Steve Carrell comedy, or some movie about solar eclipses or whatever the fuck it was about.<p>

The rest of their time there passed quickly—too quickly. Before I knew it, I was hugging them goodbye at the airport. Lucy and Carlie went back to Phoenix, and Kelly went to New York. I felt even more away from them. It was nice to know that they still cared about me, though. They were the best friends I could even have.

And before I knew it, I felt even more alone than I had before they visited. Maybe I needed to move back to Phoenix.

* * *

><p>Edward must have felt alone, too, though, because a while after I had company, he had company as well. It was at the end of August, and I really wasn't expecting him to have family over.<p>

Edward was at the store and I was stuck at home watching TV when I heard the front door unlocking. I thought it was Edward, so I went to the door, but it turned out, it wasn't.

The front door swung open, and I was surprised.

She was definitely a Cullen. The green eyes, the jaw line, the nose, everything. And she was exactly how Edward had described her to me. Her golden blonde hair also gave it all away.

This was Rosalie Cullen, of course. Edward's older sister. She had to have been twenty or twenty-one now.

I had only seen her in old family photos. She'd had pigtails, she been a little gap-toothed, and she really seemed to love all her siblings. She seemed protective over them.

But I had never seen _this_ Rosalie before.

She set her Louis Vuitton suitcase down on the steps and ran a hand through her long, golden blonde hair. Did she _have_ to look like a supermodel?

"Hello," she greeted me with a warm smile, standing in the doorframe. "You're Bella, right?"

I nodded and smiled. "That's me. And you're Rosalie?"

"Of course I am. Aren't you going to let me into my own former house?" she asked. Well.

"Oh. Right." I moved, and she walked into the house, rolling her suitcase in with her.

"Oh my God, this place hasn't changed at all," Rosalie said in admiration of the living room.

I sat down on the couch. "Does Esme know you're here?"

Rosalie turned to me. "She doesn't. Edward wanted me, Jasper, and Emmett to surprise her. I knew I'd be first. Speaking of which, where is Edward?"

"The store. He'll be back soon."

"Is Alice even here?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

I shook my head. "She's at a friend's. It's just you and me."

"And your baby," she added.

I nodded slowly.

Rosalie sat down next to me on the couch, crossed her legs, and sighed. "My brother told me a couple of times that he had a girlfriend; he never once told me he knocked her up."

"Yes…?"

"Tell him to keep it in his pants, okay? I shouldn't have to be an aunt at the age of twenty."

"Okay."

_If the rest of Edward's siblings are this bold, I may have to move out._

* * *

><p>Edward came home later, and he had the rest of his siblings with him. Like with Rosalie, I'd never seen Jasper in person before; only in photos. Jasper was as tall as Edward, and he was Rosalie's twin, of course. They weren't identical, but they both had golden blonde hair, green eyes, and striking features.<p>

Emmett didn't look like Rosalie and Jasper, or Edward, though. Emmett had short black hair, and he tall and burly. He had to have been made of muscle. Emmett hadn't changed that much since the last time I'd seen him. I'd gone to school with him for a semester. I knew how he acted, and he still acted that way, even now.

I saw Alice every single day, but I paid more attention to her now. She was tiny. Even shorter than me. Her jet black bob had grown out to her shoulders, and she looked so much older. Crazy how I was just noticing this now.

I suddenly felt jealous as I saw the siblings all hugging each other and laughing and talking. It was then that I wished I wasn't an only child.

"You're a giant," Edward told Emmett. Emmett laughed, and it was easily one of the most booming laughs I'd ever heard.

It was all like it was a scene in a movie. These people were so close. Or they had been, before they were ripped apart by the divorce.

I'd learned that Emmett was nineteen, and Rosalie and Jasper were twenty. Emmett went to school in Southern California, Jasper went to school in New Hampshire, and Rosalie went to school in New York.

Edward introduced me to Emmett and Jasper, and they were courteous. Well, Jasper was. The first thing Emmett said to me was, "Whoa, are you pregnant?" His eyes were wide open like it was the craziest, most mind-boggling thing ever.

"Dumb-ass," Edward muttered.

"I'm just making sure," Emmett said.

"It's fine," I said. "And yeah, I am."

Emmett punched Edward in the shoulder. "Goddamn, Edward. Keep it in your pants!"

Edward rolled his eyes. "We need to do something for Mom," he said, changing the subject.

"Do something?" Alice asked. "Like what?"

"We should cook dinner for her," Rosalie said. "She'd love that."

"She doesn't get home until way later, though," Edward said.

"She'd still like dinner," Jasper said.

"See, baby brother?" Rosalie asked Edward. "She'd like it."

Edward's face wasn't amused. "What makes you think you can always call me your baby brother?" he questioned.

"Because I can," Rosalie said.

"Are we going to make dinner or not?" Alice asked. "I can't stand here forever."

"We are," Emmett said. "Is there even any food here?"

"I don't know. Why don't you check?" Alice asked him.

"Jeez, Alice." Emmett had a semi-scared look on his face.

"There's no food," Edward said. "We're gonna have to order pizza or something."

"Does Mom like pizza?" Emmett looked so confused.

"Yes, she likes pizza," Alice said.

"Or does she like Chinese food?" Rosalie wondered.

"Does she?" Jasper asked.

"I don't even know," Edward said, shrugging his shoulders. "But she likes pizza."

"I just had pizza," Emmett said.

"Nobody cares if you just had pizza," Rosalie said. "This is about Mom."

"Okay, would you like a trophy for Daughter of the Year?" Emmett asked her.

"Put it in the mail before the end of the week," Rosalie replied with a smirk.

"But does she like pizza?" Jasper asked.

"Yes, she likes pizza," Alice said.

"Everybody likes pizza," Edward added.

"So we'll get pizza," Jasper said.

"No, we should get something fancier. How about Italian?" Alice asked.

"Pizza _is_ Italian," Emmett said.

"It's not _Italian_-Italian," Edward said.

"What's _Italian_-Italian?"

"Like, ravioli or some shit."

"Does she like Mexican food?" Rosalie asked.

"There aren't any Mexicans in Forks, dumb-ass," Emmett said.

Jasper face-palmed. Alice groaned. Edward rolled his eyes.

"That's not the point," Rosalie said. "I think Port Angeles has a Mexican restaurant."

"Mom would not want to go out to dinner," Alice pointed out. "Do you know how much she works? She'll be exhausted."

"Then we'll make her something," Rosalie decided.

"Yeah, let's just make something," Jasper agreed.

"But we have no food!" Edward exclaimed.

"Then we'll go to the store and get food," Emmett said.

"Fine," Alice said. "I'm driving Emmett's car."

"I'll drive the other car, then," Edward said. "I'm not putting six of us in one car." He turned to me. "Do you wanna go, Bella?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"So we'll need two cars," Alice said. "Let's go."

* * *

><p>After spending an hour at the grocery store trying to decide on what to make Esme for dinner, we ended up all pitching in to make spaghetti. When Esme got home, she was so surprised and happy to have her (grown up) kids home.<p>

She was less ecstatic after trying the food, though. It honestly didn't taste that good, but it was the most that college and high school kids could do. It's not like they cooked often.

"The spaghetti was okay," Esme commented later that night. "Really, though, I wouldn't have minded if you guys had just ordered pizza."

Half of us groaned and half of us laughed.

* * *

><p>Edward's siblings had been in the house for two days when I was already being driven up the wall. It was exciting, and they made me feel like one of them, but it was so overwhelming. Five different personalities to deal with at once was a lot.<p>

I got some time to myself when I went to the doctor's office for an ultrasound. My pregnancy was still going fine, and when I had my ultrasound, I discovered that Edward and I would be having a girl. I was thrilled, to say the least.

Edward was less than thrilled, though, when I told him. He complained for three minutes straight on how much he wanted a boy. It was annoying.

"It's not like we can do anything," I told him. "Deal with it."

"Make me," he said. "Go ahead, try."

I rolled my eyes. "You need to grow up. Anyway, do you want to hear what name I was thinking of?"

"Sure."

"I was thinking about playing around with our mothers' names, and I came up with the name Renesmee."

Edward's face was priceless. Totally priceless. His mouth hung open and he stared at me like I was crazy.

"Edward?" I asked. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," he said. "…But what the fuck is a Renesmee?"

So that name didn't work out well with him.

We later settled on the name Vanessa. I didn't come up with a middle name yet, though.

So far, so good.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **And that's the twenty-fifth chapter, lovelies! Review it maybe? Now I shall return in September. Holy crap, in a week and one day this fanfic will be turning one year old. :O It feels like I started yesterday. Lol kidding. It feels like I've been on this for a long-ass time, which I have. I got the idea in May of 2011 and didn't start publishing until September of 2011. Not it's almost been a year, and we're more than halfway through. Whoop whoop!_

_I'll see you beautiful faces - erhm, avatars - in September._

_With so much adoration for you guys,_

_MusicTwilightLove. xoxo_


	26. Photographs

_**A/N: **DARLINGS! *hugshugshugs* I've missed you guys - a lot. I know, I'm too attached to my readers. Ah, but you guys are just awesome. After a long break, Destructive Desire is back with the twenty-sixth chapter, titled "Photographs," because I was listening to the Rihanna song of the same name while writing this. I love this song. It's, like... fresh. So, here it is! Enjoy, guys. :)_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Photographs<em>**

* * *

><p>I really liked Edward's siblings. They were all unique and valuable in their own ways. It wasn't hard to like Emmett; he liked to give advice, and he was wise, as much as nobody took him seriously. I was watching him and Edward play the Xbox one day, closer to his departure, when Emmett took one look at Edward and paused the game.<p>

"Jeez, what is _that_?" Emmett asked, his finger jutting at Edward's arm. Well, that tattoo _on_ Edward's arm. My name had been there for a year now, and it would remain there—forever.

"Goddamn, does that say 'Bella'?" Emmett asked.

Edward flexed his bicep. "Yeah, it does. Cool, right?"

"Yeah. Cool if that's a code word for stupid. You sure you're gonna be with her forever? Tattoos don't go away, you know."

I suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable, wondering what Edward would say. I stiffened from my relax position on the couch. I hadn't been this uncomfortable since Edward's siblings first came, and they'd been here for a week now. It was September third, just a day before Edward's birthday. They would be leaving the day after his birthday, Sunday. I had just started to feel closer to them.

I was still anxious to hear what Edward would say, though. Sure, he could lie, but things seemed to be looking up. Were they?

"Mmm…" Edward hesitated. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

Emmett's eyes were honest and sincere. "I mean, she's having your kid."

"Yeah."

Emmett turned to me. "I don't know shit about deep relationships," he said, "but don't break up, alright? That kid is gonna need both of its parents in its life."

I nodded. He was right. Absolutely.

"You're smarter than you give yourself credit for, Emmett," I told him. He reminded me a bit of Lucy in that way.

Emmett grinned proudly. "I can be wise when I want to. Seriously, though, stay together. Do it for the kid."

I nodded. "We will."

Edward scoffed. "Alright, we've had our Lifetime movie moment," he snickered. "Now let's get back to playing the Xbox."

* * *

><p>It took me longer to like Rosalie and Jasper, but I eventually came to admire them as much as I admired Emmett. Rosalie and Jasper seemed very close. It was like they were one soul, only they had different sides. They wanted the same things and they thought alike; Rosalie just enjoyed talking more than Jasper did.<p>

It was that same day that I'd received my brilliant piece of advice from Emmett that Rosalie sat down next to me on the couch and brought up the topic of her parents' divorce.

"Did Edward ever tell you about my mom and dad's divorce?" Rosalie asked me casually.

"Kind of," I replied. "Not very much, though."

"It was really, really weird," Rosalie said, a half-smile on her face. "It, like, came out of nowhere."

"What do you mean?"

Rosalie's eyes looked far away. "Me and Jasper were… what, fifteen back then? Maybe sixteen. All of us took the divorce so differently."

She laughed softly at her own memories. "I rebelled," she admitted.

I was surprised, and my face must have shown that, because Rosalie laughed again. Rosalie seemed so clean-cut and sure of herself. Edward had always described her to me as this strong, amazing person that never did any wrong. She was a know-it-all, but she _did_ know it all. I couldn't imagine her ever being a rebel.

"I was never _that_ good outside of school," she went on. "I knew how to make the grades, but I was a bit of a partier, as the divorce got closer and closer. I always went out with older guys and didn't come home until late at night. I wasn't horrible but I wasn't that clean. I didn't drink, fight, do drugs, have sex, nothing. I was just… bored. You know what I mean?"

Besides not drinking, not fighting, not doing drugs, and not having sex, I did know what she meant. Boredom brought out some of the worst in me. I nodded.

"I was okay, I guess, until the divorce." Rosalie still looked like she was looking into the past. "I remember the exact day they got a divorce was the day I dyed my hair. I know, it doesn't seem that drastic, but I wanted to do something—_anything_ to get my parents' attention. At the time, they were always so concerned with Emmett. He fought a lot in school at the moment, and he always got in trouble, so Mom and Dad were always thinking about him.

"I remember thinking, _If I dye my hair dark brown, then maybe they'll pay attention to me._ I knew they wouldn't get back together, but I wanted them to pay some sort of attention to me. It wasn't fair; I'd gotten a lot of attention before.

"Mom cared a little bit when I made my hair dark brown. Then she stopped. Dad didn't notice, so nothing mattered to him. Nothing ever matters to Dad, anyway. All he cares about is his job. Maybe he and Mom were good for each other; they're total workaholics. They just never stop! So because Dad didn't notice, he moved me and Jasper to Concord, you know, in New Hampshire, in a heartbeat.

"I was so pissed, oh my gosh. I didn't want to move. _Nothing_ happens in New Hampshire, I swear. And I also didn't want to be separated from my brothers and sisters. I loved them—and still do love them—so much. Like, they're everything to me. I remember beating up kids younger _and_ older than me all because they made fun of Alice, Emmett, Edward, or Jasper. I admit it, I was a good sister.

"New Hampshire wasn't that bad, though. I was more of a rebel—and get a load of this: I even got my tongue pierced. I still made the grades, though."

_Well, aren't you perfect?_ I thought bitterly.

"And then randomly," she continued, "my dad moved me and Jasper to _Alaska_!" Her face was so animated. "If nothing happens in New Hampshire, less than nothing happens in Alaska. And, of course, we moved because of his job. We lived in Denali for a week and then decided that nothing was there so then we moved to Anchorage."

_This has nothing to do with the divorce anymore, but okay,_ I thought.

"I loved Anchorage, so much," Rosalie gushed. Her face was so joyful I thought she would boil over.

"What was in Anchorage?" I asked.

"My five best friends in the entire universe. That's what. They're three cousins and their two best friends."

I vaguely remembered Edward mentioning Rosalie's "hot" friends. These must have been the ones.

"I think Edward mentioned them to me before," I said insightfully.

Rosalie smiled. "Oh, did he? Wow."

"What do you mean?"

She rolled her eyes. "Edward doesn't care that much for Tanya, Kate, Irina, Carmen, and Eleazar. He met them a couple of times. I'm not sure why that wasn't convincing enough, but it wasn't for him. I mean, they're good people." Rosalie shrugged. "Some things never change, I guess."

"Yeah, Edward's not the changing type," I agreed. "At least, not normally."

Rosalie giggled. "I'm with you there."

"How did he take the divorce?" I asked.

Rosalie took a while to think on this. She ran a hand through her long blonde hair and shrugged. "Badly. He was really hurt over it."

"I bet he was."

She nodded. "Yeah, he was just… out of it. And for a long time, too. When I called him on the phone, he didn't seem like he wanted to talk—ever. Alice and Emmett were telling me that he was always pissed and throwing things and shit. It was horrible. I wish I could have gone and visited him back then. And when he visited Dad and Jasper and me in New Hampshire, he was out of it then, too. Edward still isn't that over the divorce yet, which is sad because it's been almost five years."

"Was Edward… normal _before_ the divorce?" I asked quietly.

"I don't think he ever was," Rosalie responded honestly. "Whatever _normal_ really means, anyway. Edward wasn't that happy of a kid. He was just… there, you know? I don't think people gave him a lot of attention. He needed it, though. We tried to get him some help over the years, but he just denied it and said he was fine."

I nodded. "Yeah, it seems like when I sometimes suggest he gets help, he says he's fine and that he doesn't need it."

"Ah. So you haven't helped him, either."

"What?"

"When he first told us—us meaning Mom, Dad, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and I—that he was dating you, we all thought he'd get better. He seems a little better, I suppose, but it's nothing when you consider the fact that it's been almost five years. He hasn't changed a lot for the better."

_Oh, things have only gotten worse_, I wanted to say.

"You're his first serious girlfriend," Rosalie stated. "He's been with other girls before, but not for this long."

"I sort of guessed that," I said.

"I feel so bad for him," she murmured. "I just… I just wish he was okay, you know? I'm afraid of what he could do to himself—or others—if he doesn't get help. Maybe this is just in his nature, but I can't help but be concerned. Everyone's given up on him but me. I can't give up on him now."

Edward was right. Rosalie _was_ a good sister.

"I get what you mean," I said. "I want him to be better, too, but some things never change." And Edward wasn't one to change for the better, and permanently.

"I know." She sighed. "I… I just wish that wasn't the case for Edward."

"Yeah."

"He needs to sort himself out. I haven't heard a lot of trouble from him lately but I know he's not exactly up to anything good. You're pregnant, after all."

I nodded. "Yes."

"Well, I think I'm done." Rosalie laughed gently. "Is there anything left to get ready for Edward's birthday tomorrow?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so. We're not doing much. Just taking him out to dinner."

She shrugged. "I just want him to be happy tomorrow, that's all."

"Me, too."

I then wondered if the reason why he was so unhappy wasn't because he was mad at himself for fucking up so much, but because he was mad at me for not attempting to help once. I'd been so convinced that he was his own problem, but had I ever considered myself recently? No. I hadn't. I was wrong.

* * *

><p>I wasn't able to sleep well that night, and it must have been the same way with Edward. He kept stirring around.<p>

He also must have been awake for a while, because he definitely noticed the slight bump he received from behind. My eyes snapped open. Was… was that my baby? I put my hand to my stomach and felt another kick, harder this time. That was definitely Vanessa and not my imagination.

Edward stirred. "Jeez," he groaned. "If you wanted to tell me something you didn't have to hit me in the back."

"Edward," I said excitedly. "I didn't hit you. That was Vanessa."

"Damn. Well, she must be a bad-ass in training, because I sure felt that."

I laughed. "God, I love her," I said.

"What, was that the first kick you felt?" he asked.

"Mm-hm."

"Do you know when you're due?"

"Not exactly. Just sometime in the middle to the end of January."

"…Well, good for you, then. I'm going to bed."

"Fine."

He must have been so excited that he was holding it all in. Wonderful.

* * *

><p>"I swear, Emmett, if you call me the birthday boy one more time I'm gonna kick your ass."<p>

This wasn't Edward's first or last warning of the night. Today was his nineteenth birthday, and we—meaning his siblings, his mother, and I—took him out to dinner. Edward didn't particularly have a favorite restaurant—and if he did, then he was an ass for not telling—so he wasn't that ecstatic over this.

"Aww, calm down, babe," I told Edward. "He's leaving tomorrow, anyway."

"Yeah," Emmett said, "so be nice."

We were gathered around the table of a not-so-crowded restaurant in Port Angeles, and I couldn't have been less relaxed. I was worried about Edward. More than I always was, anyway. All I'd wanted to do was understand Edward more, but I really hadn't known much about him to begin with.

Maybe I didn't know him at all.

Maybe he was only this bad _because_ of me. He couldn't have been horrid when he was away from me. I didn't care what Rosalie said now. I wouldn't believe that I hadn't changed him. I was a catalyst, but this… no; I would not believe that I hadn't changed him. Because I had.

I'd made him into an even worse person.

And it hurt me to see him like this, every single day. It was easy to see his mask now. It wasn't a content mask; it was an emotionless one. And I knew that Edward had emotions. A heart was a different story, but he had to have emotions. He had to.

I wanted to shake him and demand answers.

I knew he wouldn't give them to me, though. And it killed me. I knew he wouldn't open up any time soon.

And he didn't.

* * *

><p>Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett left. My birthday came and went. Nothing happened, besides me receiving an awkward phone call from Charlie. He was a candidate for Father of the Year, I just knew it. October came and went as well. Vanessa continued to grow (and kick). Things weren't exactly looking up, but I did get a job at a drug store. It didn't pay well, but I was happy about that.<p>

And Edward was… well, Edward.

Time passed, and he continued to be himself, whoever that really was. I probably hadn't known him well before, but this Edward was a stranger. An absolute stranger in my life now. If he ever was there, he was definitely gone now.

Time passed, and he became empty. He was fading right in front of my eyes. I now knew how Charlie must have felt a long time ago, watching someone that he loved disappear.

I wasn't sure if Edward was using anymore. To be perfectly honest, I would have rather had him using, because that would have been _something_. He wasn't interesting in anything anymore. Any prior fascination with Vanessa was nonexistent now. He was always just holed up in our bedroom, or downstairs in front of the television.

Maybe his siblings' departure had him like this; maybe it was me. Both were options.

As much as I'd been hurt by him, I wanted him back. My dark angel had to return.

* * *

><p>I receive a phone call one cold, Friday morning in November. It had totally startled me; it was about four in the morning. Quietly, trying not to disturb Edward in his sleep, I answered the violently vibrating cell phone even though I didn't recognize the number.<p>

"Hello?" I asked, nearly whispering.

"Bella," a panicked voice said. "It's Lauren. Jess… Jess…" She continued to stammer. I couldn't understand what she was trying to say.

"Calm down," I told her. "What happened?"

"Jessica, Angela, Mike, and Ben… They… they were in a car accident last night." I could hear her sobs.

I couldn't think straight. I had to be dreaming. This was unreal. This couldn't be happening. "Are—are they okay?" I stuttered.

"No, Bella. They're dead."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN CLIFFHANGAAAAH. Okay, I know you guys don't care about the high school gang (aka Jess and co.) but yeah. So, that's the twenty-sixth chapter. I know, it was sorta mellow, but I realized that I don't want my readers to take sides in this story. I don't want it to seem like only Edward's the enemy, or only Bella's the enemy; they're bad for each other. Obviously, neither character is perfect here (and yes, I do consider Bella an OC and Edward just very OOC). I don't exactly know if they find ways to justify themselves; maybe they just don't. However, this isn't a Team Bella thing. Not at all. I'm not trying to preach anything or make you choose anything; I'm here to tell a story. That's it. :)_

_Wait, that's not it. I also wanted to say that I just want to make it clear that this is a story about Edward as well. I know it's not in his perspective, and he's only narrated once, and it sucked, but this is about him and his struggles, too, believe it or not._

_And, school's coming back tomorrow, so I'll updating more sporadically, I think. But the story is not over yet! Stick with me, guys._

_With love,_

_MTL. x_


	27. Fix A Heart :: Falling Over Me

**_A/N: _**_Hello, beautiful readers. I'm SO sorry about the stupid review system. It's messing up because I removed the author's note, which would have been chapter 25 at first, but then I put up chapters 25 and 26, and it's still messed up. If it's still being stupid, try putting in your review but don't log in; sign in as a guest with your same penname. It'd be nice if I saw what you think. :)_

_Anyway, this chapter is kind of a big chapter, plot-wise anyway. I listened to the songs "Fix A Heart" and "Falling Over Me," both by Demi Lovato, while writing this chapter. Enjoy!_

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><p><em><strong>Fix A Heart :: Falling Over Me<strong>_

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><p>I still couldn't believe that four of my friends were dead.<p>

So I'd been a bitch to Angela the last time I really talked to her. So I'd shoved a plate of food into Jessica's face last June. And so I'd been ignoring Mike's affection toward me for over a year.

That didn't mean they had to die. It made me sick how I'd ended on such horrible notes with people.

I told Edward about the deaths of my friends.

He didn't care.

He didn't say that he didn't care, but I could see in his dead eyes that he couldn't have cared less. He must have been caught up in his own thoughts (or lack thereof). I couldn't have guessed.

* * *

><p>I was invited to Angela's funeral. I wouldn't be speaking there, but I would be going. As much as it pained me to realize that I'd been a bitch to her for a while, I had to go. She'd been one of my best friends. Jessica's parents probably didn't like me very much. I wasn't surprised to have not been invited to her funeral. Not being invited to Mike's was a little surprising. Ben's wasn't.<p>

Going to Angela's, though, was something I had to do. I owed at least that to her. She'd done so much for me.

However, I wouldn't be going to this funeral alone. Seven months pregnant, deaths of four friends all at the same time? I would need the moral support.

Taking a chance, I asked Edward to go with me. He simply said, "No, I'll be working." He didn't even know the day of the funeral. He didn't even like his new job, either, at a convenience store. But I didn't push him. He'd been like this for almost three months; what would happen if I pushed around now? I just needed an accompanist to the funeral. I didn't care who. Alice, Esme, even Lauren.

...Well, maybe not Lauren.

Just someone.

* * *

><p>Two days before the funeral and two days after considering this for a while, I called one of the last people on my list.<p>

Jacob.

I asked him to attend the funeral with me, and he sounded hesitant, but he said he'd go with me. He sounded like he was only going because he felt bad for me, which was okay, but still.

Then again, who would want to go to a funeral with their crazy, pregnant, ex-girlfriend anyway?

I was fully convinced that I was the lucky one in our torn relationship, still. He obviously liked his girls insane.

* * *

><p>I was digging through the closet Edward and I shared the day of the funeral, looking for something to wear to the event, when I found something that caught my interest a bit. It obviously wasn't anything I'd worn while being pregnant.<p>

I stumbled upon a crumpled up, old, black dress stuck between a pair of stilettos and an old lace cardigan. The dress was so tiny; it had to be years old. It didn't take me that long to figure out when I had worn it, though. It looked somewhat new, aside from its dishevelment.

I'd worn it to Benjamin's funeral, two years ago. The funeral had been held on Black Friday… and today was Black Friday, too. It made me sick to realize that one friend had been killed in a car accident and had a funeral on Black Friday, and also have the same thing happen two years later, only times four.

I threw the black dress to the back of my closet. I did not need to remind myself of the sick coincidences.

* * *

><p>Jake picked me up at ten that morning, and when I left the house, I noticed how different he looked. He got a little taller every time I saw him, and he looked older, too. He was even more built. He looked like a man now.<p>

It hurt to see him, though. It was like he was pouring salt on my cuts.

He greeted me, and my heart shattered into a trillion pieces. There were a thousand things I wanted to tell him.

I wanted to tell him that I was sorry. That I was absolutely, one-hundred-percent sorry for ruining him, for ruining _us_.

I wanted to tell him that, even as I tried so hard to not believe this in the last six months, I loved him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. And I still loved him.

I wanted to tell him that being apart from him for this long made me love him even more.

I wanted to tell him that I hated him for leaving me, too. I hated how much I loved him. I hated what he did to me. I hated how he made me have a heart when clearly, I wasn't deserving of one. I hated how he'd made me a better person only to abandon me at one of my lowest points.

But I loved him.

I hated the aftermath of loving him just as much, though.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob and scream and hug him and kiss him. I wanted to kiss him hard. I wanted to be super mushy and kiss him hard like it was the end of the world.

But I didn't. I held my ground, smiled politely, and said, "Hi, Jake."

"Hey, Bells," he replied courteously. "Ready to go?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

Without hugging him first, I got in his car and we left.

* * *

><p>Jake and I hadn't planned on pretending that we were dating, but we did, and it worked.<p>

I couldn't ignore the stares that Jake and I were getting before the funeral even began. The stares were either toward my seven months pregnant stomach, or the fact that Jake and I looked so young, or the fact that our ring fingers were bare. Whatever the reason, people stared.

Only one person was ballsy enough to ask, though. The one and only Lauren Mallory. Blonde hair falling to her shoulders, green eyes. Same expression I remembered from high school. She was one of the only people I knew here, so I couldn't pretend that I was dating Jake in front of her. She already knew I was with Edward.

Lauren smiled falsely as she approached Jacob and I. "Aww, Edward couldn't make it?" she asked.

"No, he's working, sorry," I said, trying to seem composed.

"Working? On Black Friday?" Lauren looked confused.

I nodded. "Yes. He needs to work as much as he can, you know."

"The baby. Right."

Lauren turned and looked surprised, as if she didn't notice Jake was there at all. "Who's this?" she asked me, still looking up at him.

"I'm Jacob," Jake introduced himself, "Bella's friend." He stuck out his hand, and after a quick but noticeable hesitation, Lauren shook hands with Jake.

"Call me Lauren," she said. "Oh, and you're a _friend_? I could have sworn that people were telling you two congratulations on the baby."

She turned to me. "Friends with benefits, perhaps?"

I shook my head. "No, just friends," I clarified, even though we weren't even friends anymore, based on our split six months ago.

"I guess lying's better than apologizing to everyone for the confusion, right?" Lauren asked with a smug smile on her face.

"Hey," Jake said, "don't talk to Bella like that. It's not like you've never made mistakes."

Lauren's face was genuinely stunned. "I'm sorry she lied to you," she told Jake, "but she lies to everybody. I'm not sure why you deal with her now. It's not like _you_ knocked her up."

"That's none of your business," Jake said firmly. "I think it's time for you to leave. Bella did nothing to you. It was nice meeting you, Lauren, but I guess this conversation's over. Leave Bella alone and stay away."

Baffled and biting the inside of her cheek, Lauren said nothing. With her nose in the air, she turned and walked away.

* * *

><p>"That pretending like we were dating was annoying," Jake later said as we sat in his garage after the funeral. There was nothing better to do. The garage felt like home. I missed it. Jake and I were close. Our knees were almost touching. It was like things hadn't been ruined last May.<p>

"It's better than saying the actual father's a dick that didn't want to be there, right?" I asked bitterly.

"Sure, sure," Jake said. "It's just that…" He trailed off and gulped down his soda.

"It's just that what?" I prompted.

"People like Lauren are irrelevant, and all they do is try to tear you down. You gotta be stronger."

"She was right, though," I said. "I do seem to lie to everybody. And that's because I'd rather be lied to. I can't handle the truth."

"Lying doesn't make things better," Jake told me.

"I know, but…" I sighed. "Really, though, why _do_ you still deal with me?"

"Your friends just passed away, Bella," he pointed out. "And you asked for the moral support."

"I know that," I said, "but I know this won't happen again, and I hate doing this to you. I can't stand this, Jake. I can't stand to see you sit there and just hate me. I deserve it but I can't handle seeing it. You hate me."

"Bella." Jacob tucked a few loose strands of my hair behind my ear. "I could never hate you. Ever."

"Are you saying that you love me again?" I faltered.

Jake shook his head. "I never stopped."

I could feel the tears coming now. I couldn't see very well. "I hate you for loving me, Jake. I hate you."

And I knew I was wrong. I was still in love with him. I loved him just a little too much.

But I hated him. He was too selfless. He didn't deserve a mess like me. And from what it looked like, I'd chained him down. When he'd cut his ties from me, he hadn't completely. Of course not.

"What did I do to make you hate me?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

"You loved me," I whispered, the tears flowing now, "and you still do. You're not doing what you told me you would do. You're not moving on."

"And have _you_ moved on?" he asked.

I sniffled. "No."

"Then what's the problem, exactly?"

"The problem is that none of us know how to finish what we've started. Jake, I hate you for this."

"Do you want me to love you or not, though?" He didn't understand.

I took a while to respond. "…I don't know. If there was a way to save both of us from the pain, then I'd find it." I was on the verge of mentally breaking down as my words turned into cries. "But I can't. You can't love me. I know you want to, but you can't. It's bad for you, and for me too because I know I don't deserve you. I hate you so much right now."

Jake's face didn't change. "I guess loving you was a mistake, then. Is it fair if I say that I hate you, too? Or would you not be able to handle it? I'm not the right kind of person for you, aren't I?"

I didn't say anything.

* * *

><p>Jake took me home, and there was still nothing I could say. I didn't know what to think of him, or even myself.<p>

Edward didn't ask me how it was. He hadn't even gone to work. He sat in front of the television. I wanted him to say something. Anything would have worked. Even an insult.

My dark angel continued in his silence.

Heaven was my baby, yet suicide was her father. It was wretched. Absolutely morbid.

* * *

><p>The weather got colder, my due date was approaching closer, and things got quieter around the Cullen house. Alice always went out, Esme worked even more (if possible), and Edward spent even less time with me. Barely any contact throughout the days.<p>

He did talk to me once, though. He'd told me that he'd be going to Carlisle's for Christmas and New Year's. Alice was going, too. Much to my surprise, even Esme was going. It had to be a family reunion or something. Esme asked if I wanted to go. I'd rejected the offer.

The house was buzzing for a week before they departed, and one day, while helping Esme with her bags, we actually talked for a bit.

"Are you sure you're going to stay alone in this big, empty house when we're gone?" Esme asked me with a concerned expression on her face.

This took me by surprise. She never paid a huge amount of attention to me, or everyone, really. "Oh," I said. "It's fine. I could use some time to myself."

"I guess so," she agreed, "but it's the holidays, Bella. Maybe you would want to spend some time with your parents?"

"My mom's going to Europe with my stepdad for the holidays," I explained.

Esme's green eyes were stern. "I meant your father."

_Right, like Charlie would want to see me, _I wanted to say. But I knew I had to say I had plans somehow, to get Esme off my back. "I guess I could swing by there for a while," I said.

She smiled. "Good. I'm sorry for prying, Bella. I just don't want you to be alone. Being alone during the holidays is one of the worst feelings. I wouldn't want you to go through that."

I nodded. "Yeah, I get what you mean. But this will be good for you guys, right?"

"I suppose," she replied thoughtfully, "though I am doing it for the kids, mainly. They'd want both of their parents there."

"Of course," I agreed. "I wish I could remember the feeling of having both my parents with me on Christmas."

"I'm sorry things weren't how you wanted them to be."

"It's okay, Esme. Edward will be alright, though… Right?"

"He will be," she replied. "If anything, we're doing this for him."

"You guys care so much," I observed.

She nodded. "I'd do anything for my family."

I still wished I knew the feeling.

* * *

><p>I did see Charlie on Christmas. I even called first to tell him I was going. I walked to the front door with a Christmas gift for him in my hands, still holding whatever ground that I could, and felt calm and collected.<p>

I rang the doorbell, and Charlie answered the door almost immediately.

He looked surprised for a split yet noticeable second and then he greeted me, "Hey, kid! Come inside, it's cold out here."

I smiled and came inside the house. I set the gift down underneath the Christmas tree and turned to my dad. "Merry Christmas," I greeted him. He hugged me awkwardly.

Well, this was a start.

* * *

><p>When Edward and his family returned to Forks in the New Year, Edward seemed better. A lot better. He talked. He laughed. He joked around. His sense of humor hadn't improved, but he was himself.<p>

I missed him.

The first thing he did when he got home was kiss me. It was short, but it was sweet and it meant a lot to me. I had him back. I was glad that I did. Two thousand eleven was off to a good start.

I was due on the twenty-fifth of January, and there was only so much to do to prepare for the baby. Edward and I didn't have a lot of money, but we had enough to keep the baby warm, full, and more. We were getting somewhere. _Finally._

I took a chance and called Jacob on his birthday on the fourteenth of January. After his house phone rang for what seemed like minutes, I had to leave a message.

I sighed. Of course he wouldn't answer me. I wonder if he fondly remembered his last birthday. It was embarrassing, but I know I did. I laughed to myself at the thought of Paul's face when he found me and Jake in Jake's garage. The list of sensible people wasn't the only thing I'd gone down on last year.

"Hey, it's Bella," I began. "Happy Birthday, Jake. I know you're probably busy right now, but I hope you are. I mean, you're eighteen now. Go out. Have fun. You're legally an adult. I remember when you were sixteen. God, time passes. Well, yeah. Have a good birthday. You deserve it."

I was going to tell him I loved him, but the machine cut me off. It was only for the better.

* * *

><p>Going into labor is a funny, funny thing.<p>

I would know; I went into labor about eleven days after I called Jacob.

I began having a few slight contractions again as I ate breakfast with Edward that Monday morning, and I wasn't fully aware of the fact that I was in early labor.

Edward noticed me acting strangely. "Bella, are you okay?" he asked, slowly eating his Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

"Yeah, just early contractions," I said. "I'm fine. I've been getting them since yesterday."

"Umm… maybe we need to call your doctor?" he suggested.

I nodded. "Yes, please."

"Alright."

Edward called my doctor, and it turned out, I was supposed to deliver the next day.

Edward asked if I was nervous. Yeah, I was nervous. Just a tad. Had to push an infant out of my vagina, no biggie. Nothing to worry about there.

I didn't have time to worry later, though, because once my water broke (and I felt like I'd _exploded_), I went into hysterics. Over the course of a few hours, my contractions became worse and worse until I could barely even speak. Edward drove me to the hospital at about five in the evening that night. He even got my bag for me beforehand. It had been packed for weeks.

Turned out, I was almost ready to go into the actual intense part of labor.

"Goddammit," Edward muttered later that night, checking his watch. I was in the hospital bed, mentally freaking out. "Vanessa's taking her time, isn't she?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

The doctor and midwife seemed supportive throughout the contractions, even as Edward became bored. Edward let my hand go for the first time later that night. "I love you, Bella," he began, "but I'm starving."

I sighed. "Really?!"

"Really. I'm gonna go get a burger. I'll be back as soon as possible."

"Come on, Edward," I said. And then—_ouch_. Another contraction. Yes, Vanessa was on her way. She was making it very clear.

"I'll be back in a second," he told me. He kissed my forehead briefly. "I promise."

He left, and I could only wait for him to be back. I wouldn't deliver Vanessa if Edward wasn't there.

* * *

><p>Esme got off work early and met me in the delivery room with news. (Edward wasn't back yet.) Apparently, Alice and Charlie were in the waiting room, which was good. Charlie had called Renee to tell her, and Renee was supposed to be flying in the next day. She must have been surprised, because I hadn't exactly told her I was pregnant, but she must have been excited enough to book the earliest flight to Port Angeles. The only people missing were Lucy, Carlie, and Kelly. I text messaged them that I was about to deliver, though. Kelly had wished me good luck, Lucy had told me to take it easy, and Carlie had told me to "push that fucker out as soon as possible because it would really suck if it got stuck."<p>

I had such a circle of people that cared about me. I just felt a bit incomplete. I tried not to think of Jacob and Angela.

Edward spent way longer than "a second" getting a burger. From what he'd told me, he'd seen someone he knew a while back, got a soda with them, and totally lost track of time.

"You're an idiot," I told him, only just to be interrupted by another contraction.

He smirked. "Karma."

"Shut the fuck up," I said, wincing.

I had contractions for what seemed like hours more, and when it was finally time to deliver, it really _was_ time.

It was hard.

Very agonizingly, excruciatingly hard.

Anyone that says giving birth is easy is obviously lying.

It's not easy, especially for a first timer.

But I did it.

The only people in the delivery room with me were Edward, the doctor, and the midwife. Delivering Vanessa felt like it took forever, but I did it.

Vanessa Angela Cullen-Swan arrived at around nine in the morning on Tuesday, the twenty-fifth of January.

My mother flew in just in time.

Edward was actually somewhat happy, though he complained that he wanted breakfast.

He stuck around and did the things he needed to do, anyway. He was a little grossed out at the cutting of the umbilical cord, but he was still a kid, after all. Maybe he'd come around.

* * *

><p>"Wow," Edward sighed later that day as we admired our daughter. I was still in the delivery room, and Vanessa and I still had to have some sort of skin-to-skin contact.<p>

"What?" I asked him softly.

"We made a good-looking kid," he admitted.

"Takes after her father," I said.

Edward kissed me on the cheek. "Makes me wanna make another," he murmured.

"Give me a couple of years," I said half-heartedly.

"I wonder what she's gonna grow up to be like," he said thoughtfully.

"Hopefully like neither of us," I replied.

"Hmm?"

"I'm not letting her date until she's thirty," I said.

"Make it twenty-five," he said. "I want grandkids."

"Ha." I looked up at Edward. "Thanks for being here with me, though. I almost thought you wouldn't."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "All in the game, babe."

"I'm serious, Edward."

"Me too, Bella."

"Alright, shut up, I wanna relax."

"Cool. And I'm gonna get something to eat. I'll be back in a second."

"Shut up," I told him again.

"I know, I'm hilarious."

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><p><em><strong>AN: **So how was that? (I also don't mind if you tell what you thought of the last chapter.) Review it, baby!_

_xo,_

_MTL._

_P.S. - I had to look up awkward things about childbirth. I hope it wasn't horrible; I've never given birth to a child. The things I do for my readers, man._


	28. I'm Good, I'm Gone :: Rich Kids Blues

_**Fairly important A/N: **Hi, guys! Okay, so the end of Destructive Desire is coming by. I know, I can't believe it myself, but it is. So here's the deal: I will be publishing a chapter every Wednesday for the next few weeks. The story will be updated for the rest of this month, and through October as well. It won't stretch past November, and if I'm correct, then the last chapter should be up on Halloween. So stay tuned every Wednesday, because those are the days this will be updated. (For those that know the end of this story, *cough* KELLY *cough*, don't say a word.) Anyhoo, I listened to some Lykke Li while writing this chapter. "I'm Good, I'm Gone" and "Rich Kids Blues" were those lucky songs. Enjoy!_

_(And if you go back twenty chapters, you might find a sense of returning, haha. The "Edward and his problems" thing was brought back on purpose.)_

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><p><em><strong>I'm Good, I'm Gone :: Rich Kids Blues<strong>_

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><p>Edward Cullen still had problems.<p>

Edward Cullen still had a lot of problems.

Obviously, the father role didn't suit him very well. After about a month of being "tied down" as he called it, he started going out again.

I didn't know where he went, and I didn't particularly care, either.

Edward always claimed that he loved Vanessa, and when he was around, it really did look like he did. Vanessa was his favorite person in the entire world.

I just wished that he acted like it more often.

He wasn't a terrible father. He could change a diaper (after a while) and do things like that.

He just always complained that he wanted to go out. It was strange. When Edward wanted to go out, he went out without thinking about it; he didn't stick around for weeks and finally go after a month of thinking about it.

I remembered the first time he went out since Vanessa was born. It'd been on the first Friday of March, and he didn't stumble home until the next Tuesday morning. I'd been so, _so_ pissed with him, though I did tell him, later, that I would forgive him.

I never did forgive him for worrying me.

After that episode, he went out a lot. He didn't disappear for days again, but when he did vanish, it was like he'd been gone for days.

I remembered every time he told me that he was going out and that he would "be back later." Later didn't come soon enough.

Edward was home for the whole day on the second Sunday of April, though. I was glad, in a way. I wanted to know what was up this time. He always had his little stints.

Vanessa was already asleep and the house was quiet that night, so things were pretty much perfect to talk to Edward.

We were sitting casually on the couch, watching a television movie, when I took the remote and turned the volume down.

"What was that for?" Edward asked, still watching the TV.

"I think we should talk," I told him.

"_Ooo_kay. And about what?" He looked reluctant.

"About you. Edward, what, exactly, is your problem?"

He turned to me, his eyes solid. "What do you mean?"

"You're always out now. It's not fair."

He scoffed. "I am not always out."

"Yes, you are." I took a deep breath. "It's like every time you see your family, you're okay. Then suddenly, it all fades away and you go back to going out and getting high."

"I guess that does happen," he admitted.

"Then why do you do that?" I asked. "I mean, you've kind of got a family now. How is this fair to me, or to Vanessa?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Can't you just be… normal, for once? Please?" I pleaded.

"I don't know if I can," he said. And that, right there, was what started to piss me off.

"Stop fucking with me, Edward."

"I'm being serious, Bella."

"Then stop doing this," I told him. "It's not that hard to keep yourself from going out. You may have an addiction, but you have to try."

"Quit making it sound like it's a choice, Bella," Edward said between his teeth.

"Well, it is!" I replied, louder now. "Nobody shoved a fucking needle into your arm."

"It's not a choice or even an option anymore," he said, quieter. "I thought you understood, but it's clear that you don't."

I sighed. "I think I do, Edward. I used to be into pot, and then over a year later, _you_ got me into heroin."

He shook his head. "If you understood, then you would know that things are hard for me. You don't get it. It's not a choice."

"I'm not done yet. _You_ got me into heroin, but _I_ got clean. You didn't, Edward. I don't think you even tried. Do you know what's not a choice?"

He didn't look at me. He just leaned forward, closed his eyes, and pressed his forehead to his folded hands.

"Being abused over and over again is not a choice," I said. "Being hit by the person that says they love you is not a choice. Getting pregnant and going through so much shit with an abusive, sad excuse for a boyfriend is not a choice. Edward, you have options. You can get clean. I don't have any options. This is so selfish of you. All I ask of you is to get your damn act together, and you can't even do that. Heroin, beer, and all that shit isn't your life anymore! That baby—_your daughter_—crying every hour is your life. And I didn't have any choices. Not even one. You do, though, and you're being selfish."

He took a while to respond. "You don't know the slightest thing about what I went through," he said, still refusing to look at me.

"Rosalie already told me," I snapped. "You were a fucked up kid. Cry me a river."

"Rosalie didn't tell you that I could be depressed, though."

I paused for a second, and then spoke again. "If you're depressed, then why don't you get help? You could see a shrink or something. I mean, Rosalie told me that you never did because you thought you didn't need any help."

"And I still don't need it," he said, still not changing his position.

"I'd say different," I told him.

He finally looked at me, his green eyes—the same green eyes that everyone in his family, including Vanessa, had—clear and honest. "I don't fucking need it, Bella. I'm fucked up already. Why would I see a damn shrink just so they could tell me the same thing?"

I considered what he said, and realized that he was just like how I'd used to be.

He didn't want to see a shrink because he thought he couldn't be helped, and that wasn't the case. I'd been the same way.

"Edward," I said softly, tears pooling in my eyes. I put my hand on his. He pulled his away.

"What?" he asked, angrier now.

"When you were gone, I was out of it, and I may still be that way, but I saw a counselor. I didn't think that she could help me, but she did. You have to get help. Please. For me. For Vanessa. Your family kept telling me how much they wanted you to get better. They care so much for you, it's crazy. They want you back. _I_ want you back."

He leaned back against the couch and turned to me. "I guessed I'm too fucked up to repair."

And that was when I was done.

I got off the couch and made my way upstairs. Edward followed me. "What are you doing?" he asked.

I didn't answer him.

In some deep and dark part of my mind, I must have been planning this somehow. It was almost like I had been waiting for Edward to fuck up this hard, just so I could leave. It was almost like I had been waiting for my time to come.

I silently packed my wallet, some emergency money, my toothbrush, a tube of mascara, some lip gloss, deodorant, my cell phone, its charger, and a pair of sweatpants into a tote bag of mine.

"Bella, where the fuck are you going?" Edward asked me, standing in the corner of our room, by Vanessa's crib.

"Somewhere," I replied curtly.

I quickly brushed my hair and threw the brush on top of everything in the bag. I changed from my pajama bottoms to a pair of jeans (because a lot of the weight from being pregnant practically melted off as I worked out as much as I could, fuck yes). I leaned down into Vanessa's crib and kissed her on her forehead. Then I grabbed my keys.

As I made my way downstairs, Edward followed me.

"Could you please be specific?" he asked, annoyed. "I'm two seconds to losing it."

"Be mad," I told him, not turning back. "It's all good. I'll be back later."

I went out the front door to my truck.

"But where are you going?" he asked.

I turned around. "Out. I already told you, I'll be back later."

I got into my truck, and Edward held the door open so I couldn't close it. "Come on," he said. "Stay. Sorry if I made you mad, but come on. I mean, the kid."

"You'll survive."

He didn't move an inch. "Bella, stay," he begged.

I shook my head. "I can't," I told him. "I love you, and I love Vanessa, but I need some time for myself."

"I'll call you," he said, almost like he was about to give up.

"And I won't be at the phone."

Cursing and shaking his head, he walked back into the house. I shut the truck's open door and started driving.

* * *

><p><em>Mom, I've got your wild-eyed ways. At least we've got something in common, right? <em>

_Don't judge me, though, because it's not like YOU never randomly left a boyfriend (and his kid, too, sorry) before. You once left a husband as well. Don't forget that._

_I have no idea where I'm going, or why I'm going, but I am. I wish I could know what I'm after, and then I'd be leaving for a good reason. Maybe I just need to start over, since things will never get back to normal. Whatever the definition of "normal" really is, anyway._

_You must be wondering why I'm going to you, though, instead of Lucy, or Charlie, or anyone else. You're the only person I have left. That's why. I left Vanessa with Edward. Maybe Edward will learn something. They're better off without a shit mother like me, anyway, though. If Edward can manage to not fuck up (because I must be the reason why he fucks up so much), then they'll be fine. Jacob can't stand me. We used to be so good together, but I messed up badly. More than once. Charlie has disowned be completely, since I'm such a stupid slut. All my friends are either dead or busy being relevant to the world. _

_You're all I have left, Mom. I've got the rich kids blues, even though I haven't lived that lifestyle in years. You'd think I'd be okay, and things really could be worse, but I'm not okay. It is not okay to not be okay for me. It's just not. I could try to move on, deal with it all, and make things work somehow, but I can't because I'm afraid of the truth. I'd rather be full out lied to than have the truth told to me._

_And you know something? I'm afraid of failing even more. I know what it's like to start out so high only to be dropped lower and lower, time after time. Trust me, I've been there while you were too busy being a perfect wife instead of a good mom._

_I know I'm bad. I'd be lying if I told you I've been an angel since I moved to Forks a little over two years ago. Okay, maybe not. I was an angel for a couple of weeks. The couple of weeks I had before I first started dating Edward were boring, though. (Sorry, but I don't like to be bored. If being bad is the way to escape boredom, then so be it.) _

_But as bad as I am, you're still my mother. You're always going to be my mother. I know you would never, ever abandon me (and you'd be guilty if I ever thought you would) but I can't help but remind you that I was the person that came flying out of your vagina nineteen years and almost four months ago._

_I'm a bitch, I know. I'm not proud of it, but I'm a bad kid, Mom. Will I survive? Could you just lie to me and say I'll survive?_

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Yes, that was fairly short. It had to be. So how was that? I'll update next Wednesday. Stay tuned! :)  
><em>

_I love you guys._

_MTL. x_


	29. Boys

_**A/N: **Hello, my lovelies. Happy Wednesday! Haha, I've missed you guys. And I've updated Destructive Desire, as you can see. This chapter has a strange change of pace, and a few new characters that aren't tremendously important, but I hope you'll enjoy it all. I promise, this story IS getting somewhere, lol. Also, I listened to "Boys" by Britney Spears A LOT while writing this chapter. "Blue Jeans" and "Delicious" both by Lana Del Rey have been a little inspiring, but I'm not giving the chapter three names. So, here goes! Enjoy. :)_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Boys<strong>_

* * *

><p>I didn't make it to Jacksonville, or Phoenix, or even out of the state.<p>

I ended up in Port Angeles.

The part I was in was so grimy, though. It was a nasty little slum. I saw a few things that I wouldn't have liked to see. It was a dark, gross little place. In a way, I belonged there.

As I drove past one of many bars, I saw six people enter it. Five guys, one girl. They couldn't have been much older than me. Those six people reminded me of who I could have been and what I could have had. No, I wouldn't have been hitting bars, but I wouldn't have been alone. In a strange way, I wanted to be part of their group. I wanted to be part of a group, period. I wanted friends again. I couldn't bring my best friends back into my life (or from the dead), but I could at least find new ones.

I had obviously lost my brain a long time ago. I was too impulsive now. Too daring. Too bad, though. I made a swift U-turn and started driving back to the bar.

* * *

><p>I entered the bar as effortlessly as I could. The place was even somewhat busy, which was strange for a Sunday night. Must have been filled with regulars.<p>

I seemed to have lost the six people I'd seen earlier. I hadn't really gotten a good look at their faces, anyway, though. Whatever. I'd just stick around and maybe meet someone. Someone new. Someone nice. Maybe.

I got a beer (_thanks for the fake ID, Edward_) and started playing pool. I wasn't that good at it, but I needed to look busy. To my far right, I saw a guy - maybe a little older than me, tall, dark blond hair, kind of skinny - playing darts.

_Maybe he needs a partner_, I thought. I set the pool stick down.

Without really thinking, I walked over to him. I stood against the wall nonchalantly and watched him play darts.

He stopped when he noticed I'd been staring at him. "Looking for someone?" he asked with a smirk.

"I don't know," I said. "Could be looking for Amy. Do you know just what she likes?"

"Ha. Britney Spears song," he declared.

"How'd you know?"

He shrugged. "My sister worships Brit. Still does. I'm a bit familiar with her lyrics."

"Bless your sister's heart. Bitch is dangerous." I smiled.

He ran a hand through his hair. "You're a fan, too?"

I shook my hand. "Rarely. I had a friend that loves Brit, though. Fan by association."

He nodded. "Small world, huh?"

"Very. And what's your name?" I asked.

"My parents named me Arthur. They call me Art on the streets."

"The streets?" I asked. "What about under the sheets?"

He smiled devilishly. "You'll have to find out for yourself."

I nodded. "I'll put that on my to-do list," I promised.

Funny how we were inching toward some of the least pure things, yet this still seemed somewhat innocent. Well, for me, anyway.

"You know, doll," Art said, "you look a little familiar to me."

"How?"

"I don't know. Like a friend of a friend or something."

"Well."

Art stared at me for a while (and I was a bit lost in his gray eyes), and then his face seemed amazed when he finally spoke again. He picked up a dart. "Wow," he muttered.

"What?" I asked.

"Aren't you Cullen's girl?" he asked as he threw the dart at the board. He got so close to a bulls-eye.

"I can be whoever you want me to be, babe," I said, half-smiling.

Art chuckled. "Ha. Bella, right?"

I nodded. "That's what they call me on the streets."

"And what about under the sheets?" he asked, obviously interested.

"Anything as long as the job gets done."

He chuckled again. "Wow. I wonder what he'd think. Ed and I used to run a while back."

"Oh," I said, crossing my arms. "Really?"

Art didn't look at me. He just picked up another dart and aimed. "Yeah," he said. Then he threw the dart to the board. Perfect bulls-eye. "We had some times, man."

"Who's 'we'?" I asked him.

He shrugged and picked up another dart. "Me, Lila, Miguel, Lumen, Travis, Bryan, Chris... all of them. In fact, everyone but Lila came here tonight. Typical. Edward used to fit right in, though."

"Did he?" I wasn't trying to come off as bitter. It wasn't working.

"Yeah, he was cool," Art replied. He threw the dart and then turned to me, putting his hands on the table that separated us. He leaned closer to me.

"I mean," he said, "besides a few things, he was cool."

I raised an eyebrow. "What'd he do?" I asked.

"Fucked around with Lila. I didn't care too much, but then he started seeing you a little bit after. Lila hates that, and she takes it out on the rest of that when she's mad."

"When was Edward with Lila?" I asked. "Before March of last year?"

Art shook his head. "Nah, just after he moved back up here. They broke up way back in April, almost May. Damn. Nearly a year ago. Anyway, I head he was seeing you then."

"Wow, that's funny," I said. "He actually was with me last year, at that same time."

Art gave a low whistle. "Two-timed, huh?"

I nodded. "Probably not the first time, either. Edward doesn't know how to keep it in his pants."

And the funny thing was with Edward, he must have been with Lila since the moment he'd moved back to the moment I'd told him I was pregnant. Smooth. He'd even went with me to that party the same week he came back. It was like it had all been carefully planned.

"Why did he break up with Lila?" I asked Art.

He shrugged. "You tell me. He told me it was because there was some shit going on with you, and that was the last time I talked to him."

My pregnancy. Of course. But why would Edward have broken up with Lila over _that_? He sure as hell hadn't supported me when I'd first told him.

"What, was Lila a psycho or something?" I asked Art.

"A little bit," he replied bluntly. "She's clingy, and huge bitch. Can't see why I was fucking with her in the first place."

"Do you miss her?" I asked. "I mean, I know you still hang out, but do you?"

"Nah. Good riddance. Are you missing Edward?"

"Nah." My half-smile returned. "I have an idea of how we can get them back, though."

He smiled back at me. He knew exactly what I was thinking about. "And what would that be, baby?" he asked.

I moved from behind the table to be closer to Art. With a hand on the zipper of his jeans, I stood on the tips of my toes. "Meet me in the bathroom if you wanna play," I whispered in his ear.

* * *

><p>It was safe to say that ninja sex was an interesting concept. Ninja sex in the beaten bathroom of a bar was even more interesting.<p>

I hadn't exactly planned on fucking Art after knowing him for under fifteen minutes, but shit happened. We were lonely and bored. Ninja sex was the way to go. Everyone has wants and needs, after all. Losers like us weren't exceptions just because it was harder for us to fulfill those wants and needs. Losers lust for things, too. We were allowed to. And I only wanted Art's body right now. Wish fulfilled, case closed. I had Art around my finger. He didn't seem to have a problem with being my rebound guy.

And above all, the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else, right? Right.

Art's hands trailed along my thighs as I kissed his neck, panting hard. "You're good at this," I whispered.

"I'd have to say the same," he muttered.

"I've been with a fast crowd since I was sixteen," I replied. "What can you say? I learned a lot of tricks."

He chuckled softly and kissed me.

* * *

><p>Art was buttoning his jeans when he left the bathroom, after me. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. Of course.<p>

We left the bar together and sat in his car for a while. Turned out, he had pot on him, and I was more than willing to take a hit. Or three.

One thing lead to another, and we didn't have to be ninjas this time. Nobody was around.

With beer, weed, and Art in my system, I was fine. Better than fine. I was euphoric. I was on fire. I was the best damn catalyst of a girl that ever walked the earth, and I would own it. Who was Edward again?

Art and I had been in his car for a while with the windows up when he asked me, "You have a type, don't you?" He took a drag of his joint.

I blew a ring. "Nah," I said. "Good boys, bad boys, green eyes, brown eyes, younger guys, a teacher. Boys are just boys. They all have dicks, anyway. I'm not picky."

"A little boy-crazy, aren't you?" he asked.

"No," I told him. "I just know what they want and how to give it to them. They all want the same thing. ...Well, at least the straight ones do. It's not difficult."

"You proved that, alright. You're bold."

I smiled. "Now you should tell me something about yourself," I told him.

"What did you have in mind?" he asked.

"Do _you_ have a type, Art?

He sighed. "I'd like to say that I don't," he began, "but I just can't seem to stay away from the bad girls. They're the only ones I come across."

So Lila wasn't that clean. Ugh, I shouldn't have been obsessing over her this much. I couldn't help it, though.

"Not all of us are bad," I said easily.

Art nodded. "Good girls are boring, though."

"You like your girls insane," I agreed. "Good girls rarely exist, anyway, and anyone that says they're good is lying. There are always two sides to a story."

"I guess you're right. You know, Bella, you're a cool chick."

"And you just now figured that out?" I asked teasingly.

Before he could say anything, I kissed him.

I didn't want a deep relationship with Art. I didn't want anything like that. If we would become anything more than fuck buddies, then I would leave. And that was just what I wanted to be: fuck buddies. Art's only purpose for being in my life was to be a rebound, and that was it. I didn't feel bad about it, either.

I suddenly heard a hard knock on the window.

I stopped kissing Art and looked up. A brown-haired, brown-eyed man that couldn't have been past his mid-twenties was laughing at us like he'd just seen the funniest thing ever. Maybe it was to hide the awkwardness.

Art rolled down the window and buckled his belt. "Take a picture, it'll last longer," he told the man (who also happened to have a piercing at his right eyebrow).

"No thanks," he said, "I just need a hit real quick. I'm all out."

"Wait a minute, then, Travis," Art said. As he pulled away from me, Travis smiled widely at me. It was a nice smile at first, but it quickly felt nasty to me. It wasn't like I couldn't be nasty, too, though. Nasty was my middle name.

Travis stuck his hand through the window. "Travis," he said.

I shook his hand. "Bella."

Travis looked surprisingly pleased. "Edward's bitch, huh?" he asked.

"I'm not anybody's bitch," I shot. "What, was I a hot topic when you guys were friends?"

"Not really," Travis replied thoughtfully. "Edward just called you his bitch half the time and 'Bella' the other half." He didn't look like he was kidding.

"What did he even say about me?" I asked curiously.

"Not a lot. He just showed us shit. No big deal."

Nope. Not a big deal at all. Everyone in the region of the state had seen my tits, anyway. If there was any shame left in me, then it was gone, like everything else.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I agreed.

"Can I get you a drink?" Travis gave me a sly smile.

"She's leaving with me," Art said.

"I know, man," Travis replied.

I gave Travis and apologetic smile. "I'd love a drink right now," I said, "but I _am_ leaving with Art."

"Damn. Can't catch a break, can I?"

"Maybe tomorrow," I told him.

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."

* * *

><p>I spent the night with Art in his motel room. He was a bit jealous. Of course he was. Jealousy was a definite attribute to being a guy. No, scratch that. Being human required being jealous at some point.<p>

After twenty minutes of sex and a cup of coffee the next morning, Art dropped me off to where my truck was so I could go. He kissed me really hard and held me really tight before I got in my truck.

"What are you doing today that's so important?" I asked him.

"Business," he replied. It wasn't the legal kind of business, of course. He was selling. I wasn't going to ask what, but whatever it was, you couldn't get it at a drug store.

"Chasing paper, aren't you?" I murmured, staring into his gray eyes.

"Chasing, rolling, all of that." He shrugged. "Gotta make a living somehow."

"Big dreams, huh?"

He half-smiled and nodded. "Larger than life."

"Fine," I said. "I'll see you tonight, then."

Art's hands slipped down to the back pocket of my jeans, and he slipped a small piece of paper there.

"You've got my heart, baby," he whispered. "Don't break it."

* * *

><p>I found Travis at the bar later that day. He was playing pool, and he was pretty good at it. Interested in it, too. He didn't notice me sneaking up on him.<p>

"It sucks how I don't know how to play that well," I said. "I always wanted to learn."

He turned around and smiled when he saw me. "Hey," he said, nodding his head a little bit.

I smiled genuinely. "Hi."

"Did you ditch Art or something?"

I shrugged. "Kind of the other was around. 'Business' was his excuse."

Travis set his pool stick down. "That's everyone's excuse. Wouldn't be surprised if he was fucking Lumen right now."

Well, great. More people in the mix. "Who's Lumen?" I asked, though the name sounded familiar.

"Art's new girl, besides you."

"I'm not his girl," I said curtly.

Travis raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you?"

"We fucked a couple of times but that's it," I said. And the sad thing was, I was into Art. I was really into him. I still was.

"Oh," Travis said. "Well, yeah, we've known Lumen for a while now. Art just started going out with her."

"Wait," I faltered. "So if I'm correct, Art was first dating Lila, then Edward dated Lila around the same time he dated me, and then Edward broke up with Lila and got with me again. Later, Art got with Lumen, but now he's with me?"

"I thought you said you weren't with Art."

"Well, I am," I admitted. "But am I right?"

"Almost. Lumen and I used to fuck around."

"Seriously?"

Travis nodded.

"You guys are sharing girls," I said. "You're sick."

"You're in the equation, too, though."

"Unfortunately," I sighed.

"And you've been shared," he added.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't rub it in."

We were silent for a while, and Travis stared at me as I stared at the ground.

"Sorry," he finally said, "but it's true."

"Of course it is," I replied.

I stared at his body for a while. His face was sort of attractive. Handsome, even. If he didn't have an eyebrow piercing, he would have looked a little innocent.

Travis' body was all man, though. Broad shoulders, at least six foot three, nice arms. He was a little on the skinny side, but not as skinny as Art, though I didn't mind. Travis looked pretty good for a stoner. He hadn't been hit too hard yet. He reminded me of some of the boys I'd hung out with in Phoenix: older stoners with good looks. Totally fuck-worthy. Looked more fuck-worthy by the second. As if anybody _wasn't_ worthy enough to fuck me, anyway.

Travis smirked. "You want a joint?"

I smiled. "Yes, please."

* * *

><p>We went back to his apartment and had a few joints, more than enough beer, and several talks.<p>

Travis and I had a lot in common. We clicked with each other. Parents that didn't understand, dead friends, no lives. Too many siblings, nonexistent siblings. Bad exes, good exes, bad sex, good sex.

Travis called me beautiful and caressed me as we sat on his mattress and told each other secrets and stories. I was about to tell him that I had a baby that needed me back with my ex-boyfriend, but Travis put his lips to mine, silencing me.

It didn't feel like a first kiss. Didn't even come close. The feeling was there, though. It was. That kiss was special. So special I could have cried. The most special kiss with a complete stranger that I could have had.

Then I let him kiss me again. I let him kiss me from my lips to my throat and everywhere else. I let him whisper "honey" in my ear, and I chose not to think of who I'd let call me "honey" before. I let Travis do what he wanted, and for the moment, it wasn't like it was that he'd wanted me to have. It felt like… security. Well-being. And he was right. Even as I had not an ounce of shame left in my body, I did still care. I did. I wanted to be cared for. I wanted to have the feeling of being truly cared for, even if it was just for a little while. And Travis gave it to me.

He never told me he loved me, though. Not even once. It hurt a bit, but I knew that he really didn't love me. Who could love a complete stranger?

This did hurt a bit, however. He didn't love me—he couldn't have loved me, either—but the truth hurt. Being lied to was better than experiencing the truth. I supposed Travis could have lied and told me he loved me. Or did he think I would be able to handle it?

Travis smothered me on that mattress with beer and weed scented kisses. I stared up at his unmoving ceiling fan, contemplating how much he really did like me. He must have liked me a lot to be doing this, but what did I know?

I eventually ended up getting so distracted that I couldn't think about this anymore. So I gave in. I'd been wondering how he was in bed, anyway. I found out. Best casual sex of my life.

* * *

><p>I must have been born an owl or something. I came out in the night, relaxed during the day. It was like with Jacob and Edward what seemed like ages ago; it was like I led two different lives. And I was doing it again.<p>

I spent the next few days and nights with Travis and Art, Travis during the day and Art at night. On Thursday night, I even met Lila. No wonder why no one liked her; she was a bitch. At least Lumen wasn't as bad.

Friday night, though, was different. Not in a good way, either. I'd thought I could trust Art and Travis. I guessed not.

That Friday night, I went to hang out with Art and Travis at Art's motel room. Just a little fun. A drink, a blunt, whatever. What they did to me wasn't what I had in mind, though. I should have known this was bad to begin with.

Threesomes aren't fun when one person doesn't want any of that and the others don't stop to listen. It's also not fun when that same person gets robbed in the end. I was out by two hundred dollars, my only money left. I'd gone to pee afterward, and when I came back, my items were strewn all over the place and Travis and Art were gone. The fuckers had up and left.

I'd even retrieved all my things. They were all there. Every last bit of it. However, when I checked my wallet, it was empty. As bare as can be. Well, minus my real ID, my fake one, and my driver's license, it was bare. _Wow_, I thought_, aren't those bastards considerate?_

It was like they had taken everything without taking a thing. Except two hundred dollars.

Crazy how they left so quickly, though. If I wasn't so pissed, I would have congratulated them for being so clever. _Hi, thanks for being cunning, where can I learn your tricks?_

But I was pissed, so this wouldn't be relevant now.

I drove in my truck for at least an hour. I checked just about every bar in the town. Travis and Art were definitely gone.

And so were my hopes for anything. Gas, too. I was able to make it back to Art's old motel's parking lot before running out of gas completely. I was a lucky bitch, alright.

I was two seconds from walking down the road and sticking out my thumb, when I realized that who needs to hitchhike when you have an ex-boyfriend who's good with mechanics?

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Aaaaaand, you'll have to wait until next week for an update! Haha, I know it's annoying. Well, for me and someone else, anyway. And that was "Boys." Thanks for reading. Thoughts?_

_Be nice, eat cake, listen to music, whatever,_

_MusicTwilightLove. xo_


	30. Gone :: Rehab

_**A/N: **Happy Hump Day, y'all. Wednesday (or, Hump Day) is also the update day for Destructive Desire! But I've got a few quick things to say:  
><em>

_-This chapter is in Jacob's and Edward's perspectives ONLY TEMPORARILY. My reviewers freaked during the seventeenth chapter at a perspective change, I swear._

_-Bella's perspective will be back._

_-Don't be scared._

_-Don't hate me; I just wanted to write in the perspectives of characters with penises. I don't know, I was sick of Bella._

_-Sorry if I've misled a few of you. I know this is a Bella/Edward story._

_-If I was on Team Edward and saw Jacob all over the place, I'd be pissed, too._

_-(SPOILER ALERT) He'll be gone after chapter 31. He had a good 20-chapter adventure, though, didn't he?_

_-Jake's a prominent character, though. Dealz with it._

_-Bear with me, the story's almost over._

_This chapter was inspired by "Gone" by 'NSync and "Rehab" by Rihanna. :D Love those songs._

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><p><strong><em>Gone :: Rehab<em>**

* * *

><p><strong>Jacob's perspective (temporarily)<strong>

* * *

><p>I hadn't been able to sleep all night, so the shrill of the telephone ringing really didn't wake me up too much. It was <em>something<em>, at least. My night had been boring, and here I was, nearly passed out on the couch.

I could have been out with my friends, but I wasn't. Part of this was my own fault.

Everyone in my circle of friends—even Seth Clearwater, that happy little punk—had went out. Everybody. And nobody had even thought of inviting me. Jared had gotten a car and suddenly he was the man, apparently.

And apparently, I wasn't fun anymore. Apparently, I was a vegetable. Leah Clearwater—who I happened to be sort of dating as of the moment—didn't even offer for me to go out with everyone. She could have at least asked. But, no. She hadn't said a word to me, all because she was still stuck on fucking Paul. They'd been on and off forever; every time they broke up, they dated other people and eventually came running back to each other. I swear, if Leah wouldn't do the breaking up (with me) soon, then I would.

"You're just not fun anymore," she'd told me earlier today. "I love you and all"—just not as much as she loved Paul, of course—"but you don't seem like the partying type anymore. I think Bella is what's got you fucked up. I don't want you to go out and be unhappy, Jake." So yeah, she would have preferred for me to stay _home_ and be unhappy. Wasn't tremendously better.

I'd spent hours in the garage today, trying to restore a couple of motorcycles. I'd found them a little over a year ago, back when I was still dating Bella. I remembered us talking about motorcycles one day, and I'd even started repairing them, just for her. I'd given up after she'd "pretended" to break up with me, though. How harsh she was didn't seem like pretending back then. But today, I'd picked up on the motorcycles. It's not that fun being alone in your garage all day. Not even Quil or Embry had come by. Fuck. My social life was shit now. It would be selfish to say that my shit with Bella had me out of everything, but that was it. The truth remained, though: I couldn't get her off my mind, even as she was gone.

Oh shit. The phone had rung three separate times now. I walked over to it and answered. "Hello?"

"Jake," a familiar voice said. "It's Bella."

Speak of the devil. "Hey, Bella," I said uneasily. "What's up?"

"I need a ride home. Or, just anywhere. My truck ran out of gas." Her voice was shaky.

She just couldn't keep herself out of trouble. I sighed. "Okay, then," I said. "Where are you?"

She told me where she was (a motel in Port Angeles, for whatever the fuck), and I was confused. "Why are you even there?" I asked.

"I… Um… My phone's about to die," she said. "Can you just get here as soon as possible?"

Alright, then. "Sure."

"Hurry." She hung up.

Jeez, this girl. As I went out to the Rabbit, every step I took was a reminder that this wouldn't end so well. I knew this was a dumb decision to go out and get her, because I'd only be regretful about it later, but I had to. I just did. Even as we'd broken our ties, I was still hooked on her. It was sick how I was still so hooked on Bella. We'd dated for a few months, and broken up more than enough times. Why couldn't I just be rid of her? Not even Leah could take my mind off Bella. As if she could take her mind off of Paul, anyway.

Leah Clearwater and I weren't nearly as close as Bella and I were, and we never would be. Sure, she'd taken my mind off Bella a little bit, but it obviously didn't help because I wasn't entertaining to be around anymore. If I had ever _not_ been addicted to Bella, then hello. It was back. Bella Swan was both heaven and hell wrapped into one with a ribbon on it.

When I finally approached the run-down motel, I saw Bella's rusty, red truck. What was she even doing here?

I quickly parked my car next to her truck and got out. Bella was walking around her truck to meet me.

She definitely looked different. Not pregnant (obviously), more tired, incredibly bony. She looked… _sick_. And a little high, too. Either she'd been crying or smoking weed—or both. Sallow cheeks, dark circles under her eyes, and a pissed off expression on her face topped it all off. I'd seen that pissed off look before.

"Hey, Jake," she said, her voice intense and tight.

"Uh, hey. So, why are you here?"

She folded her arms across her chest. Classic Bella stance. "Would it be okay if I didn't tell you?" she snapped.

I shook my head. "Nope."

She blinked twice. "Well, I… I came here with these two guys. I think they used to be friends with Edward. Like, we were just gonna smoke or something, but then they got, like, touchy, and… Fuck." She wiped tears from her face. "I hate them now. I went to go take a piss and when I came back out my shit was everywhere and now I'm missing two hundred bucks. Fucking pencil dicks."

Jesus. I wanted to give the whole world a good kick in the ass now. "Hey, try to—"

"And I'm really, _really_ going to fuck them up if they don't come back and give me my money. They left me every last thing _except_ for my money."

"Relax," I told her.

"Jake!" she yelled. "_Shut the fuck up!_ Until you're raped by two guys and then robbed, I really need you to stop trying to help."

"Fine," I said curtly. "Would you prefer to walk home?"

Her nostrils flared. If she wasn't so pissed (and kind of cute when she was pissed, too, goddammit) I would have laughed.

"No," she said quietly. "I just want to get out of here."

"Come on, then."

She got a bag from her truck and got into the passenger seat of the Rabbit. "This car hasn't changed a bit," she acknowledged.

Silent, I started up the car. I just wanted to get her home and be rid of her. If only that was so easy.

"I'm sorry, Jake," she told me. "I really am."

"Well, thanks," I said.

"God, I'm such an idiot," she sighed. "I was with those guys for _drugs_. Drugs! I don't even know why I even try anymore."

"I don't know, either," I agreed. "Drugs are, like, really bad for you."

"No shit, Sherlock," she retorted. "I mean… it's like I haven't even changed. I don't get it."

"Why haven't you changed, though?" I asked. "You know? Moved past your old ways. I thought having a kid would keep you out of trouble."

"Well, it didn't," she countered. "I'm still a kid myself, and right now I'm like a sick little kid, Jake. I wanna go out and play. I don't fucking know. I just wanna be back in the game. You'll know once you have a kid that needs you every damn second."

"That's stupid and reckless, Bella."

"_I'm_ stupid and reckless to being with, and _you're_ stupid and reckless for being with me in the first place."

"That's not really my fault," I said.

"And how?" she challenged.

"Your dad first took you to my house back when you had your—his words, not mine—accident. And from what I remember, you seemed pretty happy to see me. I must have been anything to take your mind off you nearly killing yourself."

I stopped at a stoplight. From the corner of my eye, I noticed her staring at me. I turned. "What?"

"Do you regret it?"

"What, regret being with you?"

She nodded.

"No. I don't." Even as I wanted to be through with Bella, I didn't take back anything having to do with being with her. I couldn't.

Bella smiled, and that right there reminded me of why I loved her in the first place. And the blatant truth was right there: I couldn't let go of Bella, even if I wanted to.

* * *

><p>Things were okay from there, but then things got bitter again.<p>

"I'm surprised you're not out," Bella said. We were getting closer to Forks.

"Why?" I asked.

"You're eighteen, popular, pretty damn hot… There are better things to do on a Friday night than just wait around for something to happen."

"Sorry, I'm not into drugs," I said.

"I didn't say you have to be."

"I know."

She sighed. "Jake…"

"Yeah?"

"You disgust me."

"Okay," I said. "And that's why you called me, right?"

"No, I called you because I had no one else to call," she replied.

"Isn't the father of your child available?"

"No. And that's why I left him. Edward doesn't trust me, and I don't trust him either."

The memories of what he'd done to her suddenly flooded my mind. I gritted my teeth and gripped the steering wheel before I could find Edward and rip him to shreds.

"Maybe I don't deserve his trust, though," Bella mused. "Maybe I just deserved what he's done to me."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"He says I'm stupid and that everything's my fault. I think I believe him now."

There. I couldn't abandon her. I was all she had left.

* * *

><p>Once we were in Forks, I asked her where she needed to go.<p>

"Definitely not Edward's house," she replied. "And I certainly can't go to Charlie's. Would you mind if I stayed the night at your place?"

"Yeah, sure."

Bella hugged me once we were both outside my house in La Push. I held her as I heard her sobbing into my chest. "Don't cry, honey," I murmured.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

I walked her into the house, and turned on the light in the living room. "You can go take a shower," I suggested, "and I'll get you some clothes. You can sleep in my bed, if you want. I'll crash on the couch."

She nodded.

Once she was clean and warm (wearing a t-shirt and shorts of mine), she took a look at me and half-smiled. We were in my bedroom, and the only light in there was coming from a small lamp.

"So what do you want to do?" she asked me as she sat cross-legged on my bed.

"I want to go to sleep," I told her.

"No, I mean…" She sighed and scooted over on the bed. "We can do whatever you'd like. It's the least I could do."

Yeah, I needed to go to sleep. And she did, too. "Bella, I don't wanna have sex with you," I said.

Her eyebrows furrowed. "You don't?"

"Come on, Bella. You know me. And you don't owe me."

Worry swept across her face. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"What's wrong? Do you have a disease? I think I have a condom or something. I think we'll be alright."

"It's not that."

"What, do you not like me anymore?"

I exhaled deeply. "Of course I still like you."

"Are you…_gay_?"

"No, I'm not. Bells, you don't owe me sex, okay? It's wrong and…"

"And what?" she demanded.

"I have a girlfriend."

She froze. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah." She wouldn't be my girlfriend for much longer, but that was what everyone called her.

"You… you _moved on_?"

I nodded again. "You did, too. Sort of."

"I guess so."

I sighed.

"Is she pretty?" Bella asked.

"Yeah." I almost wanted to say that Bella had met her before, but I didn't.

"Do you like her more than you like me?"

"Don't make me choose, Bells. I'm not even sure."

She crossed her arms. "Fine," she reluctantly agreed. "I'm done pestering."

I sat down next to her. "How have you been?" I asked.

She sighed. "Overwhelmed."

"I'm a good listener," I told her.

She smiled, and there was that glimpse again. The glimpse of the Bella I'd fallen in love with was there.

Then she told me everything. Everything that had happened between last November and now. It sounded pretty rough. When she was finished, I had to ask, "How are you still alive?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Luck?"

"I'll see you in the morning," I said, getting up.

She stood up next to me, grabbed me by the shoulders, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed me on the cheek. "Thank you," she said. "For everything."

I nodded. "No problem." She let go of me, and I started going to the living room.

"Are you sure you don't wanna stay in here with me?" she asked.

I glanced at her over my shoulder. "I'm sure."

* * *

><p><strong>Edward's perspective (still temporarily)<strong>

* * *

><p>"I think you should just propose to her already," Carlisle said. I was talking on the phone with my father, and he wasn't helping solve my dilemma. Carlisle, who didn't even know his new grandchild yet, really didn't know how marriages worked. Obviously.<p>

I shouldn't even be asking for his advice. He had split my family in two, and I wouldn't forgive him any time soon, if at all.

"Are you sure?" I asked him. "I mean, marriage didn't work for you."

"You're correct," Carlisle said, "but you're not me. You and Becca—"

"Bella," I corrected.

"You and _Bella_ already have a child," he pointed out.

"Why does that mean we have to get married, though?" I asked.

"You don't have to, but it would be better if you did."

I didn't say anything.

"Is Bella who you want?" he asked me.

"Well, yeah," I replied. And in a way, she kind of _was_ who I wanted. There was nothing better around, anyway. I would never go back to Lila, and that was for sure. Bella—who would be gone for a week tomorrow—was crazy, but to hell with it. There was no going back now.

"We're pretty serious," I added.

"Then nothing should be wrong," Carlisle replied.

I was silent again.

"Are you afraid she'll say no if you ask her?" he asked.

I thought on this. Well, yeah I was afraid she'd say no. And that was a first. Bella Swan had torn me. Trumped me. She had outplayed me, completely. She had beaten me at my own game, and I had nothing to play now. Fucking catalyst. It was almost too clever. She was starting to know too much, become too smart. Maybe this would bring her back down where she belonged. It had to. I was stuck with the bitch, anyway. It was long past the time to propose. I snapped back into focus.

"Yeah, I am," I admitted.

"Why?" he asked.

"She's always seeing people."

"I'm sure it's just her friends," Carlisle said.

I sighed. _Leave it to my dad to take everyone's side but mine. Even the side of some bitch that he doesn't even know._

"You don't get it," I told him. _You never do._ "Bella's trouble."

"Then why have you been dating her for this long?"

"Because I'm stuck with her." It was true. I was stuck with her and her child. Er, _our_ child.

"If you guys already have a kid—"

"Alright, Dad. I'm gonna propose. I'll do it. …How do I do that, though?"

* * *

><p>I'd gotten to know Vanessa well since Bella was gone. When I was around, she kept me away from Vanessa. As if I wasn't responsible. I was working on it. Bella never gave me a chance. Me spending time with almost four months of bliss was something she didn't like, it seemed.<p>

Vanessa cried a lot, but she was cute. More than that. Adorable. She had green eyes like mine and brown hair like Bella's. She had my face, though. She smiled like me, too. She looked more like me than she did of Bella. As I looked at Vanessa in her crib now, I laughed to myself at how Bella had wanted to name our daughter Renesmee. What a nauseating name.

I would prove myself to Bella, though. If I looked like the perfect father and even proposed to her, I'd be off the hook. She'd take it, of course. She'd have to. I might even have the money for a decent ring by June. She'd love it. When I was bad, I was pretty bad, but when I was good, nobody was better. It was an offer she couldn't refuse.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN**: And that was chapter 30! Haha, it's been forever. Now, what did y'all think? I really, really want to know. See ya guys next Wednesday! _

_Stay awesome, be excited for Breaking Dawn Part 2 OH YEAAAAH, cover up (it's getting cold in the northern hemisphere),_

_MTL. x_


	31. Breathe Me :: Serial Killer

_**A/N: **Yo. It's Wednesday, and you know what that means! Update time, baby. I don't have a lot to say, so here's chapter 31. It was inspired by Sia's "Breathe Me" (as overused as it is, tbh, though I LOVE Sia) and "Serial Killer" by Lana Del Rey. Also, if you're familiar with Lana's music, be prepared to have a crapload of Lana references dumped on you. It's the last few times, I swear._

_Warning: highly containing Jella. Don't be mad, it's the last chapter of Jella. _

_And with that, on with the chapter!_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Breathe Me :: Serial Killer<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Bella's perspective (for the remainder of the story)<strong>

* * *

><p>I walked into Edward's house the next morning, Saturday the sixteenth of April, to hear… nothing. It was absolutely silent. No television, no music, nothing at all. I guessed that everyone—even Vanessa—was asleep.<p>

I could bring myself to not go back home. Even as Edward annoyed me to no end, I did have a child. And as of right now, I was being a horrific parent.

I walked to the bedroom I shared with Edward, and the first thing I saw was my boyfriend passed out on the floor, to my right. I nearly stepped on him. Wow. Gross. He'd done it again. Got wasted and blacked out. He was _such_ a fucking loser. Why he was this pathetic was beyond me. Vanessa didn't deserve such a crappy father. This was so sickening, it wasn't even funny.

Then again, I wasn't exactly the ideal mother. I had left my family to be by myself (and have the attention of complete strangers) because I couldn't take anything anymore, and then I'd come back six days later. I felt disgusted with myself as well.

I looked to my left, down at Vanessa's crib, where my beautiful, healthy daughter slept. How could two people so wrong for each other, so damaging to each other, create someone so precious?

Well, okay, I knew the answer to that: lack of condoms, too much trust, and drugs.

Goddamn.

I took Vanessa from her crib, and as she continued to sleep, I took her downstairs. I sat on the couch and just held her, feeling her little heart beat steadily.

_This is what I'm supposed to be doing._

Even as I had only been gone for a little under a week, I felt like I'd been gone for longer, mentally. It was like I'd given birth and then up and left her. I didn't feel like I'd known her for the almost-three months of her life.

And that was a shitty thing for me to do.

I kissed Vanessa on her head of dark brown hair. It was the same shade brown as my own hair. Besides the hair color, she really didn't look like me. She was Edward's kid, alright. I hoped she wouldn't grow up to be like him. Gross.

Anyway, she was a Cullen, for sure. The face, the green eyes… everything. I should have just given her the surname Cullen, but "Cullen-Swan" was the surname on her birth certificate. Leave it to me to make myself be known at all costs.

I heard a shower starting upstairs, and I knew that could only mean that Edward was awake now. I didn't think Alice was home, and Esme had most likely gone to work.

Time—not enough time—had passed when Edward came trudging down the stairs. "Hey," he greeted me as he walked through the living room. He was chill. Too chill for nothing to be wrong. He sat down next to me and Vanessa on the couch. "What made you come home?" he asked.

I looked up at him. "I decided that I needed to see my favorite person in the world. Oh, and you, too."

Vanessa stirred, woke up, and started crying. So maybe that wasn't something I'd missed too much.

I rubbed her back, "Aww, don't cry," I cooed.

"Give her to me," Edward said, his hands out.

"You know how to hold her?" I asked warily with a raised eyebrow.

"I've known her for almost three months, right? So give her to me."

I gently handed him Vanessa, and he must have done something one-hundred-percent professional, that she stopped crying. Just like that.

"Wow," I murmured.

"I've had a week to really get to know her, since you're always keeping me away from her when I'm here," he accused.

He was right, and we both knew it. The unspoken apology made the air even tenser, if that even was possible.

* * *

><p>There seemed to be a lot of things I didn't know about Edward.<p>

Either that, or this was all an act. I would have liked to believe that I hadn't known these things, though.

Believe it or not, but Edward was decent at taking care of a baby. And besides that, his attitude had changed. He'd done a total one-eighty. It was so drastic that he made _me_ feel bad because I really hadn't changed a bit since when we first met. My change was almost nonexistent.

I was still stubborn, sarcastic, and snarky. I was always sorry, too. More now than back then. I was sorry for being an idiot, and an idiot for being sorry. It never ended. I was even going against what I'd used to say: _Being sorry is a waste of time_.

Yeah, right. If so, then I was wasting my entire life.

Edward had changed, though, and that was all that mattered. Things were fine for a while. In fact, things were better than just fine. Things were good. Things were really looking up. Edward was impressive. He really knew how to clean himself up.

I'd even tried to be good, too. It wasn't for Edward, since he would be able to manage without me being perfect, anyway, but it was for Jacob.

Oh, Jacob.

I'd promised Jake that I would be good. Because I couldn't keep promises with Edward or even myself, I had to promise Jacob. He brought out the best in me, anyway. It wasn't like this was a huge promise, though. Maybe I _could_ keep it. I certainly would try.

And I had, for about two months.

* * *

><p>The rest of April, the entire month of May, and the first ten days of June had been fine. Edward and I were going strong. We didn't talk a lot, but he had turned it around. You already know that part.<p>

However, I managed to get a hold of one of my long lost best friends one Saturday night in June. The friend didn't walk, or talk, or even breathe, but it controlled me.

_Hello, black tar._

I wasn't sure why the heroin was stowed away under our bathroom sink, but I found it. It was almost brand-new. The even stranger thing was the fact that Edward hadn't been high all day. He hadn't been high or even drunk since last April, before his extreme change.

Whatever the reason it was here for, anyway, I wanted it. I had to have it. One time wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't make a difference. Just something to keep me going. And I still knew how to shoot up.

Best reunion ever.

* * *

><p>It was good for a little bit. Maybe even great. But once I started coming down, because I really hadn't had a lot, I started to panic. I started to worry.<p>

I started to regret doing this.

_Make it stop._

Getting high alone in my fucking bathroom for the shortest time and then crying about it? I was pathetic. Even more pathetic than Edward.

I was small, needy, and stupid.

I was also a bit unstable. Just a tad. Self-destructive, insecure, and undesirable, too. But throw in the quality of being unstable and I was golden.

_MAKE IT STOP._

It didn't stop. I didn't calm down either, even as my high was over.

Edward was at the store. The house was empty. I had nobody to talk to.

No, wait.

I had Jacob Black. He wouldn't ignore me. Would he?

* * *

><p>I drove to Jake's familiar red house in La Push, and I couldn't have looked <em>that<em> bad. Jake would have told me. I was better now. Much better. I still had some demons to sort out with myself, but Jacob Black was a gift from the gods. He had to be.

He'd answered his door after what seemed like no time at all, even as it was five past ten at night. "Hey," he'd said. "What are you doing here this late?"

"Don't ask right now," I'd told him. "Can we just talk?"

And we'd started talking. We were now leaning at the hood of my truck, and I had just finished telling him what happened. I was calmer now.

He sighed. "You broke your promise," he echoed. It wasn't a question; it was a flat-out acknowledgment.

"I know," I replied, "but so did you."

His eyebrows knit together thoughtfully, but he didn't say anything. It was strange when he didn't have anything to say.

"I keep fucking up, Jake," I told him. "I… I keep ruining myself until there's nothing left to ruin."

"I think I know what you mean," he said. "What do you want me to do?"

I hesitated. "Can you just… I don't know, be my friend for the night? Or you can be more than that. I don't care. Just… let me stay for a little while. Please? Don't call me stupid and don't remind me of how I keep making mistakes. I already know that, and I already know that there's nobody else to blame but myself. I just need—"

And that was when he pressed my lips to mine, effectively ending my rant.

Jacob's lips were warm and soft. They hesitated at first, but then he full-on kissed me. I opened my mouth and our tongues collided.

Everything about this right now screamed _Jacob_.

It was like our first kiss, too. I remembered our first kiss, over a year and a half ago, outside of a party that wasn't going well. That kiss had changed everything—_every fucking thing_—and so did this one. The nostalgia was there, and it hurt like hell, but that was then and this was now.

My mouth moved with Jacob's and it was almost as if nothing had happened in the past. It was almost as if nobody but Jacob was a part of my life. It was almost as if I didn't have an on-and-off-again boyfriend, or a child, or five dead friends, or anything. He was everything. _Everything_.

Jacob and I (_Jake and Bells_) weren't individuals, though. We were us. Just us, together. This kiss had taken us to the past, the future… everywhere. A thousand years could pass and I would still be kissing Jacob.

It was as charismatic as kissing could be. Was it possible to feel so electrified and so magnetic to one person? I thought so.

I pulled away to breathe, and when I looked into Jacob's eyes, I saw brown pools of a paradise. It was a dark, suffering, distraught paradise that needed a well-deserved apology, but it was a paradise. I saw heaven in Jacob's eyes. Heaven, bliss, and something as honest and sweet as cinnamon, to balance it all. But the feeling was still there. I knew that Jacob wanted me, too.

Jake kissed my neck and lifted me so I sat on the hood of my truck, my legs wrapped around his waist. His kisses moved up to my face again, and he whispered three little words that I rarely got tired of. He whispered those words over and over.

He loved me. He _still_ loved me. He loved every inch of me and I wasn't afraid to brag about it because I felt the same way back. I was sure of this. I couldn't ignore him loving me anymore, and I couldn't force him to stop loving me. I now realized that this was what I wanted. It was selfish, but I still wanted this.

I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. And I still loved him. I loved him just a little too much, but he was who I wanted. I had a bad, burning desire for him, and by this, I knew he had the same kind of desire back.

I grabbed his hair and kissed him sensually and slowly, taking my time. I would get all of him tonight. I'd have to.

He eventually took me back to his garage, where he pressed me up against the wall, looked down at me, and whispered, "I love you, honey."

I knew he did.

"I love you, too," I whispered back. "But hurry."

It didn't take that long for Jacob to take me down on the Rabbit. He took me down right to the best part of hell, where there was an extra special spot with my name on it. Right where I belonged. I never felt more alive.

* * *

><p>Jake handed me a soda—nice and warm, just the way I liked it—later as we sat on a few blankets in his garage. We'd acted like kids (only we were, uh, naked—and still were) and built some kind of fort.<p>

"Thanks, Jake," I said.

"No problem."

I looked around his garage. "Nothing's changed here," I realized.

"Yeah," he agreed ruefully. "I haven't really touched this garage in a while."

"Why not?"

"Nothing to do, nobody willing to hang out." He shrugged.

I wrapped myself tighter in the sheet I had around me, and nodded.

Jake wrapped his arm around me and my heart fluttered a little when he looked at me and smiled like he could peer into my soul. He must have liked what he saw.

He kissed my shoulder, and even as I was a little warmer in his embrace, I shivered a little. "It's kind of cold in here," I thought out loud.

"Ha," he said. "It's June."

"Sorry, Jake, but not everyone can stay warm. It's like you're a werewolf or something." I laughed. He laughed back.

"Would it really make you feel better if we went to my room?" he asked, looking at me again now.

I nodded. "It would."

"Alright, come on."

* * *

><p>I was only in my underwear when Jake and I finally got to his bedroom. Once we were there, I kissed him like I'd never kissed anyone before, my body up against his. It was like there wasn't enough time. There never really <em>was<em> enough time.

"You're still the same," Jake grunted as he twisted my hair with one hand and carried me to his bed with his free arm.

"In a good way or a bad way?" I whispered, still kissing him.

"The best way," he replied.

"Being a catalyst is my specialty," I panted.

Jake took me to the sweetest spots, it was insane. I must have kept him inspired. I wanted him to let loose, and let his mind—his heart, his soul, his fantasies—unwind. And he did. Jacob basically took me out of this world. No, out of this galaxy. He brought me to such a high—_such a good high_—that it was still hard to come down when it was over.

Even when we were done, Jacob kissed me. Soft, tender, amazing kisses. He touched my cheek affectionately, and that one touch sent a thousand tiny ripples of pleasure running through me, everywhere. And this was what I wanted. If there was anything that I wanted right now, it was this. That was it. I couldn't change anything, but I had this. I was grateful.

I remembered a long time ago where I'd told Jake that he was "sort of beautiful." It had been during our first February together. That month had been euphoric. Absolutely perfect. It had also been our last "normal" month.

But when I looked at Jacob now, I saw that he wasn't "sort of beautiful"; he was gorgeous. He was wonderful. He was marvelous. He was Jacob. _My _Jacob, the Jacob I'd fallen in love with, and more.

I fell asleep in his arms, and I couldn't have wished for anything better.

* * *

><p>Dawn was breaking as I woke up the next morning, still in Jake's arms. He was still asleep. He looked so vulnerable when he slept. So peaceful.<p>

Jacob woke up soon, and he caught me staring at him.

"What are you looking at?" he asked.

"You're sort of beautiful."

He cracked up.

"What?" I asked.

"Jailbait memories."

"Jailbait?"

He smiled. "Back before things go complicated. You know, before I was eighteen."

"Oh." I giggled. "You make it sound like things were bad, though."

"They weren't," he told me. "The strict hand-holding and cheek kisses, though." He chuckled.

"Hey, we had sex for the first time before you were eighteen," I reminded him.

"You're lucky no one got you," he joked.

"We're only a little over a year apart. It's nothing."

"Feels like more sometimes," he replied. "Sometimes less."

I suddenly got a random pang of worry. It must have been obvious. Jake asked me what was wrong.

"You're not still dating that girl, are you?" I asked him.

"No way," he said. "Leah would cut my balls off if we were still dating and I did this."

…_Leah!?_

"Leah Clearwater?" I asked. "The same Leah that I know?"

"Yeah. We didn't last long."

"What happened?"

Jake had a nonchalant expression on his face. "She left me for Paul."

"Paul?" I asked, thinking of Jake's hotheaded friend. "Why?"

"They've got some kind of history. It's a lot."

I nodded. "I do remember you telling me about how they used to get into trouble together," I murmured. "If they always get into trouble and they're so bad for each other, then why are they still dating?"

"Well."

Okay, dumb question.

"I mean," I began, "I guess I kind of get how they are. It kind of chooses you sometimes. It's like you don't know how to get out, but you don't want to, either."

"I think it's safe to say that I know the same feeling," Jake mumbled.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, being sorry is a waste of time, remember?" he quoted.

"Shut up, jailbait," I told him jokingly. Then I put my arms around his neck and kissed him hard. I had no more words.

* * *

><p>"You'll call me, right?" Jacob asked as he led me out to my truck. Billy hadn't woken up yet, and I was glad that he hadn't. He would have told Charlie and then bam. Everyone would know I was sleeping with my ex. Not a good thing.<p>

"I'll try," I told him. "Be patient with me. Please. You know I'm busy these days."

"Fine. Don't try to keep any promises, though. You don't have to."

I nodded apologetically. "I can't keep them, anyway."

Once we were at my truck, I stopped and hugged him. "I love you, Jake," I whispered.

"I love you, Bells."

Jake and Bells. That was all that we were. Nothing more and nothing less.

I nearly melted when he whispered something in my ear. It was Quileute, and he'd told me this before, and I even knew what it meant, but it was different now.

"_Kwop kilawtley_."

"I'll try, Jake," I told him. "I'll always know where to find you. I'll try."

* * *

><p>I was still in a haze of euphoria once I returned home. Edward was there, though, the euphoria immediately disappeared. He sat in the living room, watching TV.<p>

I approached him and sat down next to him. He didn't even look mad. Holy crap.

"Hey," he said, turning the TV down and turning to me.

"Hey," I replied shortly. "How are you?"

"Fine. And you?"

I wasn't sure if this was a test or not. "I'm fine, too," I said, relaxed.

"I've been doing some thinking, Bella," he began, "and I think that we should move forward."

I paused. "What do you mean?" I asked.

He sighed. "I think that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. And Vanessa, too. I also think it's time to make things official."

"Official?"

Edward lifted a pillow from behind him and pulled out a small black box.

_Okay, he's fucking with me now._

"Bella," he said, "I would really, really love it if you married me." He opened the box and there I saw a shiny diamond ring. It was beautiful.

_Oh my God, he's not fucking with me._

"Is this for real?" I asked.

"It's for real," he said.

I was silent. There was no fucking way.

"Would you marry me, Bella? Please?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Alrighty, how was that? What'd you think? Are you mad? Happy? Confused? Excited? All of the above? Tell me. I really, REALLY care. And THAT, my friends, is the end of the Jacob x Bella ship in Destructive Desire. It sailed away through the ocean of my sexually frustrated tears._

_More to come next week! __Hope I entertained you guys. :)_

_Wear a scarf, hug a hobo, don't be a sweet serial killer,_

_MusicTwilightLove 5ever._


	32. Love Out Of Lust

_**A/N: **Happy Wednesday, guys! It's nice to see your avatars again. But, your program will be interrupted by some brief gushing._

_Oh my God, you guys. THANK YOU. It is so interesting to see how my readers respond to things. And I'm really glad when you guys speak up a lot rather than just saying you like it. It gives me more to work with, and long reviews just make me feel all fuzzy inside. Call me an evil bitch, but I do like it when I make you angry with the characters and plot, most of the time, lol. It brings something out, and I love doing that with people. I really just want to make you guys FEEL something, whether it's anger, or happiness, or surprise, or relief (ah, that feels good), or anything else. I wanna see how you feel. I know this is a lot, and I'm not forcing you to do any of this, but I do appreciate it when you write what you think. I love love LOVE seeing your reactions. It warms me inside to see reviews from the super-ooper Kelly, my utter writing heart and soul Scarlet, the sunny, honest, and amazing Jaz, the occasional yet SO VERY INSIGHTFUL Darkward Darling, and others. You guys make my day, every single time. I was gonna quit this story a long time ago (back around chapter seven), but I didn't because I wanted to keep going and actually finish something. You guys, though. You guys inspire me so damn much. Thank you. And, thanks for being this patient. Destructive Desire is such an ugly story, lmao. Just let me finish it._

_**WARNING**: Less Bella/Edward angst than the usual. Edward's not a psychopath in this chapter. I'm sorry/You're welcome._

_Aaaaand, this chapter was initially inspired by Lykke Li's "Love Out Of Lust," Lady Gaga's "So Happy I Could Die," and Lana Del Rey's "Off To The Races" (BECAUSE THE POWER OF LANA IS IMPECCABLE, AAAH.) BUT, I just got Ellie Goulding's new album, titled Halcyon, and it's so damn good. Like, I could cry at its perfection. And uh, "Only You" and "Figure 8" ("FYGGUR AYTE," Kelly.) just a tad. God, I love those songs so damn much._

_And finally, without further ado, here is chapter thirty-two (sweet Jesus), "Love Out Of Lust." It's just SUCH a good song. Lykke Li is my spirit animal._

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><p><em><strong>Love Out Of Lust<strong>_

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><p>Well, I didn't say no to his proposal. That would have been rude.<p>

Even as I didn't think that this was a good idea, I accepted Edward's proposal for just a few reasons: the ring was gorgeous, absolutely brilliant, and I loved to wear it; everybody would have wanted Edward and I to be married, anyway; and Vanessa deserved this.

But the most important reason why I accepted his proposal?

I wanted to make things better between me and Edward. Even as we were huge fuckups, I wanted to make things work. He was more than willing to do that, too. We were gonna make it work. It was all we could try to do. We also actually had some determination this time.

First things first, though. We were going to move out of his family's house.

I loved the Cullens' house. I really did. It was big, beautiful, artsy, and it had _Esme Cullen: Interior Designer_ elegantly painted all over it. But Edward had decided a very long time ago that we needed a place of our own, and we did. We were going to be twenty in September. It was about time to move out.

Edward had been looking for an apartment right outside of downtown Forks _months_ ago, and he found one. It was perfect for us. It wasn't too far away from his family's house, either.

We were moving in this Sunday, which was exactly two weeks after the day he'd proposed. As I sat in the passenger seat of Edward's Volvo, I looked back at Vanessa, sitting in her car seat, who was nearly exactly five months of joy. Perfection. Perfection giving me a smile right as she looked at me. I smiled back.

_This is the life you should have had from the beginning_, I thought. _You deserve to have loving parents._

I turned to face forward again, and I held Edward's hand as we approached the apartment complex. I'd visited the apartment before, and it was nice. Incredibly small, but nice. We didn't really need more than two bedrooms, anyway.

"I've wanted to get a new place forever," Edward said as we finally entered the apartment not much later.

"Then why haven't you?" I asked, looking around.

He shrugged his shoulders as he carried Vanessa into the living room. "I didn't have the money back then and Esme didn't want me to leave home."

I turned back to him. "Well, I'm glad you got what you want now." I smiled.

He smiled back. "Things are coming together."

I sighed. "Finally."

Edward walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me for the first time in… _forever_. I couldn't remember him ever putting his arms around me in a positive, affectionate way. This was new. And I loved it. I put my arms around his neck, my hands gently feeling his hair.

"Thank you," I told him.

"This is what I'm supposed to be doing, right?" he asked. "Making things better?"

"Yeah," I said. "It's working."

"Count on me to make it work," he said, smiling again. I hadn't seen a smile this genuine in forever, either. In over a year, possibly.

"I missed you," I whispered.

"I never really left."

"I missed you like _this_," I told him. "We haven't been like this since when we first started dating."

"I guess things change," he said. "Change is good."

I smirked. "You know I don't believe that."

"I do know."

I let him go. "We should start moving in," I told him, changing the subject.

"Yeah. I'll go get a few boxes."

"Okay. I need to feed Vanessa, anyway."

Things weren't _too_ lovey-dovey between me and Edward, but it was a start. A fresh start. It really was.

Edward went out to the car, and I turned to Vanessa. "Hey, you," I said. She quickly turned to the sound of my voice and raised her arms out to me.

I walked over to her and lifted her out of her seat once I unbuckled her. I held her and kissed her cheeks. "You're getting so big," I told her. She was about fifteen pounds now. As I took her into the kitchen and started to get food out of her bag, I tried to talk to her as much as possible. I'd recently read somewhere that to entertain my baby, all I had to do was talk to her. She loved the sound of my voice. I think she even recognized her own name.

I was still feeding Vanessa once Edward came back into the apartment, boxes in his arms, nearly covering his head. I set Vanessa down and hurried over to Edward to help him, and I managed to drop a box. It made a low _thud_ sound.

"Shit, sorry," I told Edward.

"It's okay," he said easily. He got his keys which were set on a box. "I'm starved. I'm gonna go get lunch, okay?"

I nodded. "Hurry back."

Edward left to go get lunch, and as I put Vanessa in her crib to sleep not much later, I felt so alone. I felt this pain in the middle of my chest that I'd only tried to ignore for this long.

The Jacob drawer. It wouldn't leave me alone.

Of course I didn't forget Jacob. I couldn't. It was impossible to forget somebody that amazing.

Some of his last words to me continued to ring in my head, though.

_Kwop kiwatley_. Quileute for "stay with me forever." Another promise I couldn't keep.

_No, stop._ I told myself. _The Jacob chapter in your life is over. It was great, but it's over. You're marrying Edward. The end_.

I bit my lip and tried to shove the Jacob drawer closed. The memories were still howling to get out.

My ignoring didn't last that long. I was so... typical. So ruled by my hormones. I was only nineteen, but I should have been better than this. I fantasized about Jake touching me, kissing me, and my skin got hot already. _Sweet Jesus_. The Jacob drawer was too fucking much. I'd need help with that.

Edward eventually came back with lunch, and he hadn't even taken a long time. He'd taken a reasonable time. We ate in the apartment—_our_ apartment—and when we finished, we unpacked everything and really moved in. It didn't take that long.

When we were done, we stood in our new room, he put his hands around my waist, and he kissed me—really _kissed_ me, with genuine, sober passion –for the first time ever. It was the first real sense of love I received from him. It was all that I wanted. I could have cheered for joy or burst into tears. It was that sweet. And the worst part was that I'd cheated on him, just the night before he'd proposed. Bad thing on my end, alright.

But I wouldn't have to think about that now. I would be Mrs. Edward Cullen in August. Why would I ruin this?

I shouldn't have been lying to myself yet again. The truth was there now. Wasn't it blatantly obvious? He loved me.

I opened my eyes, and his were already open. We were so close that our foreheads touched, and right then and there I knew that we would be okay. Or I was pretty positive. When I looked into Edward's eyes, I saw an apology. He was sorry. _I_ was sorry. As I'd gone through nearly two and a half years of a destructive, disparaging relationship with him, things were finally pulling through. Lovers held on to everything and anything, after all. I liked it. I kissed Edward slowly on the lips, and that was when he whispered, "I love you."

And I believed him. With that face, I'd believe him even if he was lying.

My angel had returned.

* * *

><p>The next couple of weeks were blissful. They were busy, too, but blissful nonetheless. We really wanted to get this wedding running. I had a dress. The decoration scheme was decided. Things were going well.<p>

Aside from the wedding business, though, I managed to fall in love with Edward all over again. It was like we'd started over, only we already knew each other and we had a kid. It was weird in the beginning, but then I realized that this was what couples were supposed to do. This was how Edward and I were supposed to be together. Not screaming, not fighting, not shooting up. We were supposed to be in love. It was like love had suddenly sprung out of lust.

And if anything, Vanessa had really brought us closer. I knew Edward was proud when he saw Vanessa starting to roll over, pushing her body up, and almost crawl. She still didn't sleep through the night, but that was okay. Edward and I didn't like getting up in the middle of the night, but that was okay, too. Every moment of her smiling, her laughing, her babbling… Everything was worth it. Every single thing. Time was passing so quickly. I did want to absorb every moment with Edward and Vanessa.

I also discovered something else: nothing scared me anymore.

Edward had been my greatest fear—the one thing that terrified me to bits and pieces, made my blood run cold, and had me on my knees begging for it to end—and now that he wasn't anymore, all the petty fears seemed to vanish. I had nothing to be afraid of now. Nothing at all. If I could go through Edward being bizarre and finally turning things around now, then I could go through anything.

It was about time this was happening. I was so tired of waiting. I had wanted this from the very beginning. Now I had it. As I was swept off my feet by him all over again, I knew I made the right decision.

There's a difference between being alive and living. I was finally living.

There's a difference between thinking with your heart and thinking with your brain. I was thinking with both.

There's a difference between loving and being in love.

I was finally in love with Edward Cullen.

* * *

><p>After returning from dinner with Edward one night in July, as I was getting ready for bed, I glanced at my cell phone and there was a text message from none other than Kelly from Phoenix screaming, "<em>You're getting married!?<em>"

Weird how she just got the invitation now. I'd invited Lucy and Carlie as well. Hopefully they'd still come. I suddenly remembered a long time ago, back in Phoenix, when Lucy and I were most likely high and most definitely goofing around in her swimming pool. She'd told me that I had better invite her to my wedding or she'd crash it. I hadn't refused to believe her. So, because of the promise and because I would have invited Lucy, anyway, I did send out invitations. I still hoped they would attend the wedding, though.

And my friends would go, actually. They RSVP'd a couple of days after Kelly text messaged me. They would even be flying in _way_ early, to visit me, on the twenty-first of July. I'd have them with me from then all the way until August thirteenth, the day of the wedding. Heavenly.

Life was sweet now. Life was flawless. Well, maybe it wasn't flawless (because who would have guessed that infants grow _so_ fast and need _so_ much attention?), but it was as close as it got. Edward loved me. I loved him. We loved our daughter. Not a thing was wrong.

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><p>Edward, Vanessa, and I were at the Cullen house on the eve of my friends' arrivals (because all good things traveled in threes), when suddenly, the doorbell rang. I wondered who it could have been; it was already six-thirty, which wasn't particularly early.<p>

As Edward made his way to the door to answer it, that was when he told me that, oops, he'd forgotten to inform me that his brothers and sisters from out of town were flying in today and tomorrow. Wow. I knew that Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper would be flying fairly earlier than the wedding, to visit Edward, Alice, and Esme, but _today and tomorrow_? Around the same time as my own friends were getting here? Goddamn. That was a lot of guests.

Edward answered the door, and there was Rosalie, his older sister who was tall, blonde, gorgeous, and even more than an over-achiever.

Rosalie and Edward hugged at the door. "Leave it to me to fly in early," she joked.

"Ah, Rose, I missed you." It was a genuine-sounding statement.

She shrugged once she let her brother go. "You never have to ask twice to talk to me, and it's the summer! I haven't seen you since Christmas."

I walked up to Rosalie and Edward, and Rosalie actually looked delighted to see me. It wasn't like our initial meeting, when I was intimidated, offended, and pregnant. She hugged me tightly, and this was honest and sincere.

"You look good!" she complimented me as she let me go.

I smiled. "Thank you," I said sheepishly.

"How have you been?" she asked.

I ran a hand through my hair. "Pretty good," I admitted. "Excited to get married."

"Don't you have any wedding jitters yet?"

I shook my head. "Not yet."

"Ooh, do you have your dress?" she asked interestingly.

I nodded. The wedding dress was gorgeous. "You should see it later," I told her.

"It's a deal." Rosalie looked over at Vanessa, who was in the living room playing with toys, and casually walked over to her.

"God, my niece is _gorgeous_," she cooed as she sat on the couch and watched her. She smiled at Vanessa, and Vanessa smiled back with her adorable, two-bottom-toothed smile.

"Careful, Aunt Rose," Edward said. "Don't step on Vanessa with your heels."

With a wave of her hand, Rosalie rolled her eyes. "I would never. But I do like that nickname."

Edward, Rosalie, and I sat around and caught up. It was easy, casual. Rosalie talked about college, and how much she loved NYU and New York City in general. It was "so, _so_ much more interesting than Forks." I believed her.

Oh and, what a coincidence, her friends would happen to be visiting Forks soon. Three from New York and one from Los Angeles (since apparently, Tanya couldn't make it). They went by the names of Kate, Irina, Eleazar, and Carmen, and they would all be flying in tomorrow.

Edward must have known this, too, because his smile was as big as the moon when Rosalie told me.

"They're just flying in to visit us," Edward had told me. "They're like my family. Kind of. Rosalie's known them for a long time."

More guests.

More guests all flying in _tomorrow._

This was just grand.

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><p><em><strong>AN: **Aaaand, that was the thirty-second chapter, Love Out Of Lust. Just three more (and an author's note) left! We can be strong, lol. So how was it?_

_See you guys in a week!_

_Keep it fresh, work it out, GET READY FOR BD-2 SINCE FOREVER IS [INSERT CHEESY TAGLINE],_

_MTL. *kisses*_


	33. Maneater

_**A/N: **Yo yo yiggity yo. I don't have a lot to say this time, lol. But, this is a fairly big chapter for me, because not only do I REALLY have to impress you guys, but I also have to impress the most critical people: myself and my wing-chica Kelly (the real one; not Bella's friend). Kel is the first audience of this story, tbh. And in this chapter, her favorite characters come along, so I really have to impress her, lol. (Because what if she quits as my wing-chica?)_

_Anyway, I hope that ALL of you enjoy this. It was intense to write, but fun overall. Hopefully, the next chapter will be even better. :)_

_Nelly Furtado's "Maneater" was stuck in my head the entire time I was writing it. It has nothing to do with the Cullens' guests, because they're not manipulative, but the song's catchy and just... good._

_Enjoy, my lovelies!_

_(OH OH OH, and the Lucy in this story is an OC; she's not Jasper's Lucy, the companion back in his days of Maria [because there is no Maria in this story]. Just had to clear that up.)_

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><p><em><strong>Maneater<strong>_

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><p>"Are you ready?" Edward asked me the next afternoon. It was about two, and I was freaking out, to put it lightly. If Rosalie's friends were anything like her, which I bet they were, I would have to make a really great impression.<p>

In a way, I wished I still had the same traits as I did back when I was sixteen. It had been so easy to talk to people back then. Why did it have to be so hard now? Well, maybe because they weren't stoners, but still.

I sighed. "Yeah, I think so."

"You make it sound like you guys are meeting aliens," Rosalie remarked as she sat down on the couch next to me. "I promise, they're just normal people."

"Yeah, like how _you're_ normal," Edward told Rosalie as he sat on my other side.

Rosalie narrowed her eyes at her brother. "Shut up, Edward." She turned to me with a reassuring look on her face. "You'll love them. I promise."

Edward grimaced. "I still wish Tanya was visiting."

"Jeez, Edward," Alice called from the kitchen. "What's with you and Tanya?"

"I don't know, maybe I just like her and haven't seen her since Christmas?"

I turned to Edward. "You didn't tell me you hung out with them last Christmas," I told him.

He shrugged. "They visited New Hampshire when I did."

"Are they that bad?"

Edward shook his head and flashed me his million dollar smile. "Not at all."

And with that, I was assured that things would be just fine.

Rosalie groaned. "Ugh, I wish Tanya was coming," she said. "It won't be the same without her."

"Why is she not coming?" Edward asked.

"I don't know, I think she's visiting family even though she doesn't any other July."

"I guess shit happens, right, Rose?" Alice asked as she sat next to Rosalie on the couch.

Rosalie sighed. "I guess."

It was only so convenient how Rosalie had invited her friends at the same time that I had invited my friends, and they were all arriving the same day. Edward seemed indifferent toward my friends, not like I cared. But maybe things would be different. He hadn't seen them in a year.

Rosalie's friends—Kate, Irina, Eleazar, and Carmen—would actually be staying at the Cullens' house, with Rosalie. She'd told Esme last night, and it caught Esme off guard, but she eventually agreed to it.

"Come on, Mom," Rosalie had said. "These people are like my family. Only four are visiting. I promise. You said you loved them when you first met, years ago. You'll love them even more now."

Esme couldn't _not_ let them stay over. Rosalie was ecstatic when she got the okay from Esme, though she would have snuck her friends in, anyway. But there was room.

My friends, however, would be staying in a hotel. They'd insisted on it, and there wasn't room in my apartment, anyway.

I wondered if Rosalie's friends were going to stay for my wedding. I wouldn't have minded, but I didn't particularly know them. I then reminded myself that it was, in fact, Edward's day, too, and he seemed pretty fond of them.

At around two in the afternoon, as Edward, Alice, Rosalie, and I hung around and watched a movie on TV, the doorbell rang. Rosalie got up to answer it, though she was a little wary, since Kate wasn't supposed to arrive until at least six tonight.

When Rosalie opened the door, however, she gasped. Then I heard a feminine voice squeal, "I'm here!"

"Oh my God!" Rosalie exclaimed. "Come in!"

Rosalie, followed by a short girl with strawberry blonde curls going down her back, entered the living room. "This," Rose said, "is Tanya."

Edward, Alice, and I stood up to greet her. Edward hugged Tanya. "Look who showed up," he said jokingly. He stepped back once he was done hugging her, as if to get a better look at her. "You look good, Tanya."

She smiled. "I try, you know. You look nice, too. It's been _way_ too long, Edward." She turned to Alice and hugged her. "Oh, Alice," she said. "I missed you!"

The only word I could only use to describe Tanya already was _fetching_. She smiled at me and stuck out her hand so I could shake it.

"You must be Mrs. Soon-To-Be Cullen," she told me, her tone friendly.

I smiled back and shook her hand. "Yeah, that would be me. It's a pleasure to meet you, Tanya."

"Oh, the pleasure is mine, Bella. I've heard so much about you."

_In a good way or in a bad way?_ I wanted to ask. But I stopped myself. I was psyching myself out. I needed to work on that.

"And you're from New York?" I asked her.

"I just go to school there. I'm actually from Anchorage, Alaska."

"Wow. Alaska."

She nodded. "I know. But it was great and all. I love it there."

Tanya's facial features resembled a cat more than anything to me. She had an angular face, high cheekbones, thin eyebrows, a thin nose, and thin lips. She had blue oval eyes that were slightly tilted. Her features would have looked strange on anybody else, but her. Her look was very serious and strong, but it worked.

"I cannot believe you," Rosalie told Tanya.

Tanya turned to her friend. "What's not to believe?" she asked.

Rosalie's eyes were almost frantic. "You said you weren't coming!"

Tanya shrugged. "I lied. You know it's my job to keep you guessing."

Rosalie laughed. "You would."

The rest of the day was filled with arrivals. It was overwhelming. I was glad that Vanessa was there, though. She was who kept me sane, and she loved the attention of people, anyway.

About two hours after Tanya arrived, Emmett and Jasper finally came. Emmett flown in from southern California; Jasper from New Hampshire.

I'd missed them. I'd missed them a lot. When they finally arrived, I was a little relieved. Finally, some people I already knew.

Emmett was still hilarious, and Jasper was still quiet and courteous. Add Alice to the mix and it was like a party. I loved them.

At one point, while waiting for more guests to arrive, Emmett asked me, "You think you can hang with the family?"

I smiled. "Of course I can. I've known you guys for, like, two and a half years now."

"I'm so fucking glad good things are happening to Edward," he said.

_Wow._ "You guys sure worry about him a lot, don't you?"

"We don't have to anymore. Thanks, Bella."

"Thanks for what?"

"For getting Edward to stop being a pain in my ass," Emmett clarified.

"Oh, it's all good. I'm glad he's better, too."

Another one of Rosalie's friends, Irina, arrived next, just an hour later. She had flown in from California, like Emmett. I chatted with her for a little while. She seemed nice enough. Aloof, yet nice. Quiet and insightful, too. The quieter people always had the best ideas, though. Our conversation didn't last very long. She greeted me, congratulated me on the engagement, and then went around the room, talking to everyone. She stuck around Jasper a lot.

Irina, like Tanya (who I soon discovered was her cousin) was beautiful. Of course. Irina was much taller than me, Alice, and Tanya. She was about as tall as Rosalie, who had to be about five-foot-ten, but she was also thinner than Rosalie.

Irina's hair was long and curly, similar to a lion's mane, but it was silvery blonde. Her face was almost rectangular in shape, and she had small facial features. Her eyes were hazel and they seemed to conceal things, but they also told stories.

Not soon after Irina's arrival, more of Rosalie's friends, Carmen and Eleazar, eventually came, too. They had flown in from New York. At that point, I was drowning in jealousy. Where in the hell did Rosalie _find_ these people!?

Even as the blondes were already beautiful, their friend Carmen was absolutely breathtaking. My self-esteem shrunk just by looking at her, it seemed. Carmen was taller than Tanya, but shorter than Rosalie and Irina. She had to be about Lucy's height, which was about my height. And Carmen was obviously Hispanic. She spoke perfect English with a Spanish accent. Carmen's hair was brown, long, and curly. Even as Carmen—the blondes, too—were dressed casually, they looked like models. Totally unfair. Then again, it was very much like Rosalie to be with a crowd like this. Carmen's face had a sort of square shape, and her even lips and almost-shaped brown eyes balanced each other out.

Eleazar was Carmen's boyfriend, and he was pretty damn gorgeous. He was more intense than anyone here—well, maybe besides Irina—but he was gorgeous nevertheless. He had curls that weren't too long, and his face shape was a standard oval. He had high, prominent cheekbones. His nose was triangular, his lips were even, and his eyes were the perfect shade of green. Not too light, not too dark. He was also tall and lanky. Really skinny. It was weird how, later, I'd figured out how much he ate.

These people were too much. The jealously was present and the struggle was real.

And of course, there was one person left.

I was talking to Alice about casual things like we always talked about when suddenly, I heard Lady Gaga's latest single being blasted from a car. The song was so recognizable; I'd heard it all summer.

"Oh my God," I blurted out. "Who is that again?"

"No one ever drives around here," Edward murmured.

Rosalie laughed, Tanya smirked, Irina rolled her eyes, Carmen smiled warmly, and Eleazar sighed.

"Who is that?" Emmett asked Rosalie.

All at the same time, Rosalie, Tanya, Irina, Carmen, and Eleazar responded simply with, "Kate."

Edward and Eleazar went outside to see her, and I followed them. Everyone else came, too. The large driveway was packed full of rental cars. And there I saw a big, shiny, SUV pulling up right behind Edward's Volvo, nearly hitting it. Edward's mouth widened in horror, and so did Eleazar's. Maybe he really liked cars.

I still heard the Lady Gaga song blasting. And in about two seconds, the driver's door opened up and I saw a head of long, straight, blonde hair, who I presumed to be Kate. Rosalie ran up to Kate and hugged her. They exploded into laughter. "You're gonna crush me!" Kate squealed. Everybody greeted Kate, even once we got inside, and I waited impatiently for my own friends to arrive.

* * *

><p>Rosalie and her friends were too perfect. It wasn't fair. I stared at them for a solid hour since there was nothing else to do, and after a while their attractiveness was starting to hurt. It was easy to see their roles in the group, too.<p>

Tanya must have been the leader. She stood in the center a lot of the time, and everyone seemed to gravitate around her when she wasn't.

Kate—with her long, straight, golden blonde hair; long face; thick lips; and hazel, oval-shaped, mysterious eyes—seemed to be the humor of the group. She cracked jokes on a minutely basis, and she always smiled. She was like the female version of Emmett or something.

I eventually learned that Irina was most definitely the sensibility of the group. She kept Tanya and Kate sane, and I was grateful for that. She was definitely the most serious of the group, though she seemed less approachable. Eleazar was kind of like her. His personality was intense, too, but very active. When he spoke, he had good, sensible things to say.

Nearly everything that came out of Carmen's mouth was sweet, or at least sweet-sounding. She was obviously the heart of the group. She didn't seem like a bad person at all. None of Rosalie's friends did.

I just wanted to see my own friends, though.

Well, whatever. At least Edward was enjoying the company.

The second Edward saw Eleazar, he hugged him. "It's been forever, man," Edward had said.

"I agree," Eleazar had said. "You're still into _Dexter_, right?"

"Right."

"I brought the DVDs. First four seasons. The fifth one comes out in August."

Edward's face pretty much lit up. "Did you preorder it?"

Eleazar half-smiled. "Of course I did."

Edward was sold.

Well, there went my fiancé.

* * *

><p>I'd spent almost two hours with Edward's siblings and Rosalie's friends, and I was on the verge on passing out when—<em>ta-da!<em>—the doorbell rang. It had to be my friends. It had to be.

"I got it!" I called. I walked to the front door from where I sat in the living room, and when I swung open the door, there I saw my three friends from Phoenix—Kelly, Lucy, and Carlie—right on the front porch. I'd instructed them to meet me here, and there they were.

I could have burst into laughter—or tears—as my friends basically tackled me with hugs.

"Congratulations!" Lucy squeaked.

My friends hugged me and all talked at the same time on the front porch for what felt like minutes, but then we eventually went back inside.

Again, they hadn't changed that much. _Thank God_ they hadn't changed. With all these changes (even the good ones), I had to have some things remain the same. It was selfish, in a way, for me to just expect these things, but I couldn't help it.

"I missed all of you so fucking much," I said as I hugged my friends individually.

"You're not pregnant anymore!" Carlie cried jokingly.

I laughed. "Thanks for noticing."

I led my friends into the house, and they were warmly greeted by the other guests. Carmen even went to hug everyone them. She was too sweet.

Everybody was socializing. Everything was now perfect. My friends were here, Edward was okay… Things would be okay.

* * *

><p>It hadn't been long when Emmett finally asked—loudly—if anyone else was hungry. And everybody there—especially Edward and Eleazar—was hungry.<p>

"Hey, babe," Edward told me, soon after Emmett's announcement, "I'm gonna go get some food with the guys. Do you need a ride back to the apartment?"

I shook my head, as much as I kind of did want to leave. I wanted more time with my friends, though. "I'm gonna put Vanessa to bed upstairs," I told Edward. "But I'm staying."

"Okay, then."

I made my way upstairs, but Edward stopped me.

I turned. "What?"

"You're having fun, right?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I'm okay, I guess. Just exhausted."

He smiled. "Things will be fine."

"I hope so." I started going back upstairs, but he stopped me yet again.

And I turned again. "Yes?"

"I love you," he told me.

"Love you, too."

I took the half-asleep Vanessa upstairs to the crib that we kept here at the Cullen house, and when I came back downstairs, the living room looked more packed than ever. Edward and Eleazar were on the couch, watching television. Jasper and Irina were standing by the staircase, talking. Carlie, Kelly, Tanya, Rosalie, Kate, and Lucy were at the table, laughing hysterically.

That was also when Esme emerged from the front door, her eyes as wide as the moon, exclaiming, "When did my house turn into a frat party?"

Everybody paused and looked in the direction of the front door.

"Oh, hey, Mom," Alice said.

Edward laughed harder than he was supposed to, only causing me to laugh with him.

"It's alright, Mom," Edward assured her. "They're not all staying the night."

"Yeah," Rosalie said, "just five of them."

Esme gave Rose an accusing glance. "I thought you said only four were showing up."

Rosalie shrugged. "Tanya was kidding."

"I'm sorry, Esme," Tanya said. "I just wanted to surprise everyone."

"It's fine, Tanya," Esme said, exasperated. She turned to Edward. "And what is everyone supposed to have for dinner?"

"We were going to get McDonald's," Jasper spoke up, since his brother obviously had nothing to say.

Esme sighed. "Have fun, then. I'm going to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."

She made her way upstairs, and that was when Emmett declared, "I'm starving. So I'm getting McDonald's. How far away is Port Angeles, Bella?"

"It's about an hour of a drive," I replied, walking toward Edward, who was putting on a jacket. "I hope you're not dying."

"We better go, then," Kate said. "My stomach's screaming."

"I call shotgun in Kate's car," Rosalie said, slipping her jacket on and standing beside Kate. "But if you get us into a car accident, Kate, I will not forgive you."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I'm a safe driver."

"Ha!" Irina said. "Right."

"Yeah," Edward added, "which is why you nearly dinged the back of my car!"

"I'm sorry, Edward," Kate said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I don't care for soccer mom vans. And you're not invited to my car, anyway."

"Excuse you, Kate," Edward replied, his face straight, "but I prefer to be called Father of the Year. I'm getting a license plate for that soon."

Kate laughed. "You still can't sit with us."

"Nobody's going to be sitting with anyone if we don't leave yet," Lucy piped up.

"Lucy's right," Jasper agreed.

"I'm going to pass out if I don't get any food," Eleazar said. "I'm not kidding."

"Alright, let's go," Edward finally said. "He can't die without getting season five of _Dexter_ on DVD yet."

God.

* * *

><p>Eventually, we had all eaten—all fourteen of us—and were finally heading back to where we were supposed to be sleeping. My friends were staying at the same hotel as they had the last time they'd visited Forks. I hugged them goodbye after dinner, and we'd decided that we'd all go out for breakfast the next day.<p>

After getting the okay from Esme, Edward and I had decided to leave Vanessa at Esme's house. Edward and I were finally alone together, after months.

I collapsed into bed with him as soon as I got home. "That was overwhelming," I told him.

"You must have been dying," Edward joked.

"I was," I said. "Believe me."

"Well, _I _was having fun."

I slapped my hand to my heart melodramatically. "I feel like you're gonna dump me for Eleazar and elope with him in Miami," I admitted. "Do you love him more than you love me?"

Edward chuckled and brought his hand to my cheek, inching closer to my face. "I would never," he murmured. And then he kissed me. He kissed me in the most genuine way I could imagine. The next thing we did was genuine, too. As if our first time like that hadn't happened at all.

I had to stop telling myself these strange things, like things wouldn't work out. I had to stop worrying. Edward had me. Things would be okay. There was no use in worrying anymore.

Things would be just right.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: _**_Now, was that impressive? Haha, I hope it was. The next chapter shall be full of fun, and the one after (to be published on Halloween!) will be the last one. I will also include an author's note with letters of appreciation to Kelly and Scarlet, for being here since the very beginning._

_Stay warm, get Halloweeny, listen to indie pop, whatever,_

_MTL 5ever._


	34. Take A Walk :: Constant Conversations

_**_**Warning: Many young adult shenanigans contained. Handle with care and don't confuse Kelly and Kate; and Eleazar, Edward, and Emmett; and Carmen and Carlie. I didn't choose to have their names all sound so alike. Read carefully and you may find a hint to the next chapter. ;D**_**_

_**A/N: **I gotta make this short; this chapter is the longest crap EVER._

_Thanks, guys. Thanks for tolerating my illiteracy. Thanks for dealing with my crazy-ass plot twists and original characters (that actually mean a lot to me). Thanks for not giving up. And for those that have given up, I hope you had a thrilling ride._

_While listening to music as I wrote this chapter, I was thinking I needed some easy-going in this story and I chose "Take A Walk" and "Constant Conversations", both by Passion Pit. Also, Lana Del Rey's "Smarty" is my main Edward vibe here. Catch my drift?_

_Enjoy, my loves. Hopefully this won't put you to sleep. Longest chapter yet._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Take A Walk :: Constant Conversations<strong>_

_**(With a Hint of "Smarty")**_

* * *

><p>Edward and I slept in pretty late the next morning. I hadn't been able to sleep this late in so long. I loved this, so very much.<p>

I also loved Edward. Of course I did. How could I not, with him being affectionate, kind, and…well, perfect?

Edward was awake before me, and I felt him trace imaginary patterns along my bare back.

I opened my eyes, looked up, and there he was. He looked like he had something on his mind. He was kind of pouting, too. I wondered what was wrong.

"Morning, babe," I murmured.

He looked at me, and his serious expression turned into a pleasant one. "How'd you sleep?" he asked.

"Pretty good," I admitted. "And you?"

"Good, as well. I've just been thinking."

I sat up and wrapped myself in the blanket. "About what?"

"I'm really excited to marry you, Bella," he said.

_Oh, that's it. _I smiled. "I'm excited to marry you, too."

"I should have asked you sooner."

"Yeah," I agreed. "I've been waiting for a year now."

"I'm sorry."

Wow. An apology. An actual apology. It was brief, but it was something. And I was sold. Beyond sold.

"Don't be," I told him. "You don't have to be sorry."

"Thanks." He then leaned over and kissed me. His kisses got better and better each day, it seemed. A soft moan escaped from my throat as I put my hands in his hair. I got a quick glance of the digital clock behind him, though. It was eight fifteen.

"Maybe we shouldn't," I mumbled against Edward's lips once I knew what he was getting at. He had never been one to hold back.

"Why not?" he whispered, his lips moving down to my chest.

"My friends... we're going out to breakfast," I said.

"Breakfast can wait."

"No... They'll be coming in half an hour."

He looked up at me, his eyes intense on mine. "A half hour's more than enough time for _us_ to be coming," he said.

"Oh."

* * *

><p>I wasn't even dressed yet by the time the doorbell rang. I threw on a bathrobe to answer it.<p>

There were none other than my best friends standing right there. Right on time, just like always. But _I_ wasn't ready yet, and this had also been _my_ idea.

Oops.

"Hey, guys..." I greeted them nonchalantly. It must have come out nervously.

"Bella," Carlie began, rolling her blue eyes, "if you weren't gonna be here on time, you should have just called one of us. I would have understood, you know."

"We really could have slept in, Swan," Kelly added.

"Hey, it's not my fault I randomly got preoccupied. I was busy," I told them, stepping out of the apartment and outside with my friends. Gah. It was too bright out.

"I'll say," Lucy agreed. "You smell like sex."

I felt myself blushing. "It wasn't my idea."

"Just-had-sex hair meets never-getting-it-again hair," Kelly interjected. "Cute."

"You know what—"

"Bella, love, you'll be okay," Carlie said. "But premarital sex ruined your virgin status. Your dress isn't white, is it?"

"Okay, you guys can go home now," I told them.

"You know I'm kidding," Carlie replied.

"I do," I admitted. "But I'm a little stressed over all of this, so can you guys just…"

"Just what?" Lucy asked.

"Just not be a pain in my ass?"

"That's why we're best friends, my dear," Kelly said. "We only make fun out of love."

"I know," I said, "but come on."

"So you want us to not be funny?" Carlie challenged.

I pouted. "I just want you guys to be here for me. Positively."

"Aww, you know we will," Lucy said. "You gotta learn how to take a joke or twelve, though, Bella. What, are you pregnant again?"

"Whatever, let's just get breakfast," Kelly said, shifting the subject. "I'm starving."

"Yes, let's," I agreed.

"Sweetie, you'll have to get dressed," Kelly told me, giggling.

I had managed to temporarily forget that I was standing in my bathrobe. I nodded. "Right. That's kind of important."

* * *

><p>Soon enough, my friends and I were sitting down in a diner, eating breakfast. They were still half-asleep.<p>

"This place is good, huh?" I asked, then taking a bite into my hash brown.

"It actually is," Carlie said. "How come we haven't come here before?"

"We weren't in Forks for that long last time," Lucy pointed out.

"Forks really isn't that bad, I guess," Kelly admitted. "I like it here. It's not hectic."

"Believe me," I said, "I felt the same way how you used to feel, back when I first moved up here. I hated how it was boring, but then I realized that there's nothing wrong with a little peace and quiet."

Kelly laughed. "I never said I was going to stay forever, Bella! It's not bad here, but you know I live by the city's ways."

"Said the New Yorker," Lucy said with a smirk.

"Really, though," Kelly went on. "How many times do I have to mention that I lived in New York for the first eight years of my life?"

"It's been enough," I said.

We all laughed, just like old friends, and I knew that this was where I wanted to be. Right here, with them.

* * *

><p>We went to the Cullen house afterward, to find Edward's siblings and Rosalie's friends in their pajama central—everyone was sitting around in their pajamas, having coffee and muffins.<p>

"Hey," I said uneasily, sitting down on the couch next to Tanya, Carmen, and Jasper.

"Good morning, sunshine," Kate greeted me as she walked into the living room, coffee in hand, "the earth says hello!"

Everyone laughed.

"What, is this normal?" I asked Tanya quietly.

She smiled. "Kate just likes to keep the spirits up."

I wished I knew the feeling.

"I made reservations for dinner tonight," Rosalie declared. "All fifteen of us—Esme included—plus Vanessa."

_Vanessa._ A pang of worry instantly went to my chest. Rosalie must have seen the look on my face.

"I just checked on her and she's okay," Rosalie assured me. "She's still sleeping."

I nodded. "Okay."

"Anyway, I made reservations for dinner tonight," she repeated, "and we're going to Bella Italia, in Port Angeles."

"Bella Italia?" Lucy asked, nudging me.

"Is she even Italian?" Emmett murmured.

"Her _name_ is Bella," Eleazar pointed out.

"Yes, Eleazar," Rosalie said sarcastically, "because the restaurant was obviously named after Bella. My point is, dinner's at six-thirty tonight, and I hope all of us can make it."

"There is nothing else to do tonight," Carmen said. "I think we'll all be able to go."

"Exactly," Kate piped up. "And I'm excited to have a trendy dinner with all these people I just met." She turned to the line of where my friends leaned on the couch. "I'll be damned if I don't actually know you guys before I leave."

"Yeah, I agree," Kelly said, nodding. "If we're all gonna be here for as long as the wedding, we might as well get used to each other."

"Hey, you don't have to prove anything to me," Rosalie said. "I already made reservations for fifteen people and a baby."

Tanya looked at Kate and sighed. "It would be sixteen if you had invited Garrett, Kate," she said, pouting.

"I've known the guy for a month," Kate replied, rolling her hazel eyes.

"A month is enough to introduce him to the family, though," Tanya differed. "The same thing happened with Eleazar and Carmen."

"I met Eleazar when we were eight," Kate mentioned. "And we were, like, fifteen when we first met Carmen. Things are different with Garrett. I'm not recruiting people."

"Yeah," Irina said. "You're in _love_, and you wouldn't want your embarrassing friends and family to make you look stupid."

"Shut up," Kate said, not even breaking her stance.

Irina cracked a smile. "Not a chance."

"Ladies, we have to focus on more important things than Garrett," Eleazar proclaimed. He took a sip of his coffee and looked at Rosalie. "What does the restaurant even serve, Rose?"

"Italian food," Rosalie said curtly. "Duh."

"Do they have tacos?" he asked, honestly curious, his green eyes squinting.

"They better have tacos," Emmett, who was sitting at the dining room table, said.

"It's an Italian restaurant, you dumb-ass," Rosalie said to her brother.

"Speaking of dumb-asses," Emmett began, "where's Edward?"

Carlie snickered.

"Cleaning skeet off the walls," Lucy mumbled to Kelly. Her murmuring was loud enough for me to blush at, and everyone else to laugh at.

"Okay, me and Vanessa are going home," I said, standing up and making my way to the staircase. "I have things to get ready for, anyway."

"Wait, Bells," Carlie said, following me, "I wanna meet her."

"Oh, really?" I asked.

"Really. I've only seen her in pictures."

"Fine, then."

Carlie followed me up the stairs and to Vanessa's room at this house, my old bedroom with Edward. Vanessa was already sitting up in her crib. It was like she had been waiting for me.

I saw her, cooed at her, and my world was lit up. Heaven was looking right at me. Vanessa smiled at me and babbled her random strings of syllables.

"Well, this is it," I told Carlie.

"She's even more adorable in person," she said as I lifted Vanessa in my arms.

I smiled. "I know."

"So," Carlie said, looking right at Vanessa, "_you're_ the little accident!"

"Shut the fuck up, Carlie," I said. "She's the best accident I've ever made."

Carlie laughed. "Agreed, Bella. Agreed."

* * *

><p>The rest of the day seemed to pass quickly, and we were finally at the Bella Italia, at six-thirty sharp, though the car ride with Edward and Vanessa took longer than it should have. Edward didn't know how to drive for shit.<p>

Everyone was also dressed nicely. I could easily imagine them dressed even better than tonight—to the nines—at the wedding.

God, I was having wedding fantasies. I would need to stop.

The fifteen of us (plus Vanessa) were sat down in no time. Rosalie and her friends took one portion of the table; Edward on my right, my friends across from me, Vanessa on my left, and myself sat in the middle part of the table; and Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Emmett were at the other end portion of the table.

Dinner was nice. It was, like Kate had expected it to be, trendy. It was also heart-warming. There wasn't any drama—and if there was, then I wouldn't have noticed.

Sometime in the middle of the dinner, Edward turned to me. "How do you like things so far?" he asked me.

"You don't have to impress me all the time," I told him. "This isn't about me."

"What are you talking about? You're the bride."

I shrugged. "But you're the groom."

He chuckled. "Nobody's going to be looking at me."

"Okay, touché. Things are fine. What do you think?"

"Things are fine," he agreed, "and they're even better with you."

And right there, my heart melted. My emotions went to smithereens. This was almost too good to be true.

I was about to tell him that I loved him, but that was when Rosalie chimed, "Excuse me!"

Everyone looked up at her. Vanessa must have been mimicking me again; she was looking right up at her aunt with the rest of us.

Rosalie stood up and smiled. "I would like to make a toast," she announced in her fluid, clear voice.

"I'm not that good at making toasts," she said sheepishly, "so forgive me if this isn't my best."

"That's the first humble thing I've heard from her since she's been here," Jasper murmured to Edward.

"Anyway," Rosalie continued, "this is a toast to the guests who are here right now. There are a lot of people here, and I'm surprised we're all doing so well. We haven't killed each other yet."

I heard quiet laughter from various people.

"Thanks, you guys," Rosalie went on. "This is more than just a family reunion. It's also a time for new beginnings. With my siblings, my friends, and even Bella's friends, I've never felt happier. I feel more like part of a family now than ever. And I'm glad that I do."

She made eye contact with everyone at the table, it seemed. "Thank you all for being here," she said, lifting her glass. "To the guests."

Everyone echoed her toast and applauded her (because what would she be if not applauded?) and then Alice stood. Everyone looked down to her end of the table.

"I would also like to give a toast," she announced in her high voice, "to the other main reason why we're all here. The engaged couple, of course."

Edward smiled at me lovingly as our hands interlaced under the table. I couldn't help but smile back. And I'd thought everyone had forgotten about the wedding already.

"You guys," Alice said, gazing at us, "make me believe that anything could happen. There's so much that you two have been through, Edward and Bella. It's crazy. But you made it through. And I wish you all the best for not only your wedding, but for the rest of your lives, as well. You two deserve it." She lifted her glass of champagne (or had she not been able to get away with alcohol this time?) efficiently.

"To Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen...almost."

I laughed. "Almost," I whispered to Edward.

Everyone echoed Alice's toast.

And then, I knew where I belonged –_finally_. I didn't belong with stoners or bad guys or any people like that. That wasn't me anymore.

I belonged right here, surrounded by people who loved me, and then some. I deserved to be happy and full of life. I really did. I was almost Mrs. Edward Cullen, after all.

Almost.

* * *

><p>Kelly and I took a walk sometime near the end of the dinner. We had only planned to walk down the street and back. I didn't know what she was going to tell me, though. My friends really were full of surprises.<p>

I should have expected this, though.

"You know Eleazar, right?" Kelly asked me.

"He's been eating everything. Of course I know him. What about him?"

Kelly laughed. "We share the same eating habits. But anyway, he's really good-looking."

I made a face. "Ew."

"What?"

"Don't say that," I told her.

"Come on, Bella, he's not ugly."

"He's not ugly at all," I agreed, "but that's weird because he's like Rosalie's family, and Rosalie's Edward's family, and I'm basically in Edward's family, and you're like my family. So mutually, you and Eleazar are family."

"Jesus, it's not like I'm going to fuck his brains out!"

"Carmen would cut you," I reminded her.

"Exactly. I'm just saying, Eleazar is attractive."

"Whatever you say, sweetie."

"He looks like one of my favorite actors. I legit screamed on the inside when I saw him."

"Oh my God, stop."

"Hey, the gushing's over. I promise."

My friends were crazy, but I loved them. Who would I be without them?

Well, I did know the answer to that, and I did not want to go back to it.

* * *

><p>The next day after lunch, I was at the Cullen house yet again. Being with all these guests was addictive. I couldn't hide in my apartment forever, even as Edward had <em>so<em> many good reasons for me to stay.

But Edward was here with me. That was all that mattered.

"How did you and Edward meet?" Carmen asked me as I sat down next to Edward, across from her and Eleazar.

Edward chuckled. "It was nothing, really, Carmen."

"How _did_ you guys meet?" Eleazar asked. "You never told me."

"Fine, I'll tell them," I told Edward. I turned to face Eleazar and Carmen. "So I had just moved from Phoenix at the back then, and my dad hadn't gotten me from the airport on time—"

"Ha!" Edward barked. "You actually got there a day early."

"I did not," I said.

"Yeah, you did."

"Okay, whatever. Anyway, I was at the airport, waiting, and then I saw this ridiculously good-looking guy right next to me. He moved out of the way, though, and that was when I saw Edward for the first time."

Carmen and Eleazar laughed. "You got your shining moment, didn't you, bro?" Eleazar chuckled, playfully punching Edward in the arm.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright," he said. "Let me tell the real story."

"Babe, it's already been told," I said jokingly.

"It's okay, sweetie, I've got this." Edward cleared his throat and leaned forward. "I was getting ready to fly out to see my dad, when I saw this girl at the airport. She looked lost. So because I was trying to be a good person, I walked over to her, and saw the most gorgeous, round, stunning pair of—"

"Eyes," I interjected.

"Yes, eyes," he continued, "that I've ever seen. Then we lived happily ever after. The end."

"The happily ever after hasn't started yet," Eleazar mentioned.

"Oh, just shoot me in the head," I said sarcastically. "I had no idea."

"Eleazar, Carmen, how and when did you two first meet?" Edward asked.

Eleazar shrugged. "I don't even remember."

"_Por favor_," Carmen said with a wave of her hand. "I remember every single thing."

Edward laughed. "I think you lost, Eleazar."

I giggled. "So…?" I prompted Carmen.

"I moved to Anchorage, Alaska right after Eleazar turned sixteen. I was still fifteen as of the moment. I had just moved from Chicago with my family, and when I came to Anchorage, I didn't think I would make many friends. But that same day I moved there, I met Eleazar."

Carmen smiled at Eleazar, and her eyes looked like they were looking back at times that were decades away. If I hadn't seen true, genuine love before, I was looking at it.

"Yeah," Eleazar said, "and she was pretty crazy about me. Still is."

"More like the other way around," Carmen told him. She turned to me and Edward again. "He was so excited to see someone else in the neighborhood that was Hispanic." She laughed. "And I guess the rest is history."

"And you've been together for six years now?" I asked.

"Seven in November," Carmen clarified.

"_Damn_," Edward said. "Does it ever get easy?"

"After four years, it does," Eleazar replied.

"_Four years_?" I squeaked.

Eleazar nodded. "Then you start tuning all the crap out." He and Edward laughed.

"Have you guys ever broken up?" I asked. "Like, ever?"

"Twice," Eleazar replied quickly.

"Wow, you remember things quickly," Edward remarked.

"Those were the worst times of his life," Carmen said. "Trust me."

I laughed. Men did handle breakups more differently than women.

I looked down to my left, at Vanessa, who was playing with toys on the floor, babbling like she usually did.

"Nessie is so adorable," Carmen acknowledged.

Wait.

"What did you just call my daughter?" I asked Carmen.

An immediate apologetic look was on Carmen's face. "Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry."

"We already established a nickname for her," Edward told me.

"True story," Eleazar agreed.

"When?" I asked.

"Yesterday," Eleazar replied.

"Well, that's sweet," I said sarcastically.

"No hard feelings, babe," Edward said, his hand wrapping around my waist. "At least it's not Renesmee!" He laughed.

So he was still making jokes about my first name choice for Vanessa, about a year ago. "Ha. Right."

"Seriously, baby," Edward said. "I mean it. Sorry."

I rolled my eyes. "I know you are."

* * *

><p>That night was full of even more stories from Rosalie's friends. Only this time, everyone was present and listening.<p>

Oh, and alcohol was present, too. Those of age (and those who wanted to, disregarding age) were using it well.

"I remember when I first met Rosalie," Tanya began, giggling.

"Oh my _God_," Rosalie laughed. "Don't tell them."

"I have to," Tanya said in a sing-song voice.

"Tell us," Emmett said. "I wanna hear it."

"Okay, fine." Tanya set her glass of wine down on the coffee table. "So Irina, Kate, and I were shopping at the Anchorage fifth avenue mall, and we were sixteen. I forgot which store we were in—it was cheap—but when I saw Rosalie"—Tanya paused for dramatics—"I saw a disgusting canvas that needed work. Lots of work."

"And that was when Tanya asked Rose if she was gonna buy a top," Kate added.

"How bad was the top?" Kelly asked.

"It was _horrid_," Tanya replied. "Dreadful. She looked like a prostitute. And she was wearing a lot of makeup, too."

"I didn't know back then!" Rosalie cried. "I was sixteen."

"That's no excuse to dress like that," Irina said. "I was fashion forward at the age of ten."

"Said the model," Kate said with a smirk.

"Not an official model yet," Irina corrected. "I don't think I'll be in L.A. forever."

"Anyway," Rosalie said, "Tanya asked if I was going to buy the top, and she said—"

"I said she looked really cheap," Tanya cut in. "And she did."

"I think your point has been made, Tanya," Rosalie said, glaring at her friend.

Everybody laughed. "Don't kill each other yet," Emmett said. "We haven't watched all of _Dexter_ yet."

"Anyway," Irina said, "that was when the friendship began."

"Though we didn't really warm up to Rosalie until a week later," Kate added.

Irina nodded. "Right."

"And you guys never get at each other's' throats?" Carlie asked. "Ever?"

Kate burst into a fit of giggles. "If we fight over who gets to tell a story, imagine how we'd fight over something actually important!"

Everyone laughed, and I excused myself to go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Kelly followed me.

"I think I'm going to move in with them," she told me, laughing.

"That's cute," I murmured. "Wonderful."

"You cannot possibly be telling me that you don't like them."

"I'm not even saying that," I clarified. "Go ahead; leave me alone in my pits of despair."

Kelly put her hands on her hips. "Oh, you're so dramatic."

"Lucy's rubbed off on me," I admitted.

"She's rubbed off on everybody."

"Agreed."

"So what are you gonna do about getting home tonight?" Kelly asked me. "Edward's wasted."

I shrugged. "I can crash here for a night. I hope there's room left. I doubt it, though."

"The couch is comfortable."

"It is."

We were silent for a little while.

"You have a dress for my wedding, right?" I asked Kelly.

"I do," she replied, "and it's fabulous."

"Where'd you get it?"

She smiled. "You pay attention to fashion again? I thought you'd never ask."

"I never stopped," I said. "I just didn't have the money to go after them."

"Well, I got my dress from H&M. You'll see it at the wedding."

"I hope so." My sentence trailed off.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're so… off about this entire wedding?"

"I am not. I am actually very invested in it. So much that I have everything done. Everything."

"You've certainly got the wedding under control," Kelly said thoughtfully, "but you sound like the actual thought of marrying Edward isn't that appealing."

I looked down at my left ring finger, where the beautiful, glorious ring sat. "I do want to marry him."

"Then what are you worried about?"

I looked at her and sighed. "Everything. Like our future, and getting a job again, and raising Vanessa, and… everything. Like, I want to marry him—I really do—but… I'm just nervous."

"You're not that nervous of a person, Bella. Or, at least you weren't before you moved up here."

"You're right, Kel. It's just that… this is big. I don't want to fuck it up."

She shook her head. "You won't fuck it up."

"You think so?"

"I know so. It's just a wedding. Weddings are cheesy, but I guess they make people happy. You'll be one of them."

I sighed again. "Yeah. That makes sense."

She smiled. "Of course it does. Who would I be if not helpful?"

I laughed. "Exactly."

* * *

><p>Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday of the following week were boring as fuck. I knew it wouldn't last long. Fourteen young adults couldn't be entertained <em>that<em> well.

Dammit.

At one point on Tuesday afternoon, Eleazar came up with an idea, as our eyes were all melting at the large television screen.

"We should play charades," Eleazar suggested.

"Ew," Alice expressed. "Can we not?"

"What's wrong with charades?" Jasper asked.

"_Everything_ is wrong with charades," Rosalie groaned.

"There is nothing fun about charades," Carlie said.

"Not your best idea, _amor_," Carmen told her boyfriend.

Eleazar sighed. "Well, what are we supposed to do!?"

"I don't even know," Irina said, exasperated, even though we weren't doing anything.

So we watched TV again. For an hour. As the movie played, Emmett, Lucy, and Irina played five different card games but never found one to stick with. Edward played with Vanessa. Kelly and Kate listened and talked about Lady Gaga, an interest that they had discovered they had in common.

"I have an idea," Kate said, just an hour after Eleazar had. It felt like longer, though.

"What's your idea, Kate?" Edward sighed.

"We should play charades."

"I guess we should," Alice agreed.

"How bad could it be?" Rosalie asked.

"It's just a game," Carlie said. "I'm in."

"That's not a bad idea, Kate," Carmen said, nodding.

"Did I not just suggest this an hour ago?" Eleazar demanded, his face hysterical.

"Sorry, boo," Kate said. "We got desperate."

Eleazar stood up from the couch. "I'm getting a sandwich," he said, sulking off to the kitchen.

But it turned out, charades wasn't even that fun. Nobody could guess what Jasper was doing, Emmett kept saying what he was doing aloud, and Carlie never knew what to act out. It didn't work out very well.

In the end, Eleazar got his sandwich and Emmett told college stories. It was very much like Emmett to be in a fraternity. His stories were hilarious, but they weren't surprising.

And his stories continued until Wednesday morning, until someone had an idea that didn't suck.

Edward wanted to watch _Dexter._ The first four seasons.

Everybody was in. How crazy was it that just about everybody here watched or was familiar with the television show _Dexter_? It was insane.

Eleazar and Edward had even gone to the store that morning to buy snacks. When they came back, they had a bottomless pit of snacks for what they called the "_Dexter_-thon."

"You excited, Bella?" Edward asked me.

"Kind of," I answered honestly. "I've already seen these seasons."

"Yeah, but it'll be fun because all these people are here to watch it with us!"

I would never understand why Edward was so obsessed with a TV show about serial killers.

* * *

><p>By the end of the first season, five of us (plus Vanessa) had dropped out of the <em>Dexter<em>-thon. Lucy and I couldn't handle the gore; Jasper found that he would have rather done something else; Eleazar couldn't take the constant jokes of him looking like the Ice Truck Killer (because in his opinion, he looked nothing like him); and Carmen had gotten bored and followed him.

We took our anti-_Dexter_ party back to my apartment, with beer and a few games of poker. _Who needs a show that intense?_ I decided.

My guests and I were having fun—actual fun—when Emmett had arrived at the apartment, too. He'd also gotten sick of _Dexter_. He only made things more fun here, however. He got conversations started.

At some point in the night, everybody was at the cramped apartment. Edward, Kelly, Kate, and Irina had been the last to arrive. We were pretty much doing the same thing we'd been doing the other night. Beer, poker, and stories.

"How long have you and Bella known each other, Lucy?" Emmett asked, insightful. As if he really cared. He just wanted to hear Lucy talk, and that was fine, since she _was_ adorable, but still.

Lucy, who sat on the couch right beside me, turned to me. "Junior year, right?" she asked. I nodded lie I knew more than she did.

"Right," I replied.

Lucy turned back to Emmett, who sat in a chair by the window. "Bella and I," she began, "had some _times_, man."

That seemed to catch everyone's attention. Even Edward's.

"What times?" Kelly asked in a low voice to Carlie. Carlie shrugged. "I don't know."

"What, the Phoenix stuff?" I asked Lucy.

She nodded. "Yeah." She had a nostalgic smile on her face when she turned to the group. Or, the people in the living room. "Bella and I became friends through this one guy—" (_pleasedon'tsayhisnamepleasedon'tsayhisname_)—"and we had the best times ever."

"Go on," Edward told her.

"Yeah," Kate agreed. "I wanna know, too."

Lucy sighed. "Well, Bella and I were bad."

"_Now_ I remember this," Carlie said. "Didn't you guys break into hotel pools?"

I laughed nervously. "Sort of. You could say we were kinda outta luck."

"How'd you guys, you know, not get arrested?" Alice asked.

"We had our ways," Lucy said. "You'll have to learn them someday."

Tanya laughed. "I know exactly what you mean, Lucy. I remember when I was sixteen."

"As if that was a long time ago," Irina said.

Tanya waved her hand. "_Please_, cousin. I've matured."

"I think we all have," Carmen said.

"We did," Edward agreed.

They were all right, too.

* * *

><p>I took a walk with Lucy not much later that night. I needed the fresh, warm, late-July air.<p>

"Thanks, Lucy," I said, "for not mentioning Benjamin."

She gave me a warm smile. "Oh, it's no problem," she replied. "I would have burst into tears if I accidentally mentioned him myself. But I know how much he meant to you."

"Yeah. Edward wouldn't have liked to hear about Benjamin so much, anyway."

Lucy had a questioning expression on her face. "Don't tell me Edward's jealous of a dead guy."

"No, he's not," I said. "I just… I don't know. I don't want him to know a lot about Phoenix. Like, those were rough times for me. You get what I mean?"

"Perfectly. I can keep a secret or ten."

She hooked her arm through mine as we continued to walk. "This is what makes us girls, my darling," she sighed.

"And this is why we rule the world," I agreed.

That used to be one of our most favorite sayings.

"You know, I've wanted to do weed for a while," she began. "I just had nobody to do any with."

"What, the hot college boys aren't doing you any good?"

Lucy shook her head. "They're all the same. Not that fun to smoke with."

"But I thought you quit back when… you know... happened."

"I did," she assured me. "I just wanted to try it out again, for shits and giggles."

"You've seen _Austin Powers_ way too many times," I told her. "But don't start smoking again. Weed, or cigarettes, or anything for that matter. Just… don't. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I won't. I promise."

"You know I won't be there to take your sorry ass home and be your shoulder to cry on," I told her.

"I know, Bella," she sighed.

I could have went on about how much I knew what it was like to think I was fine and then return to old addictions—both substances _and_ people addictions—but I knew she wouldn't want to hear that. Lucy was the kind of person who only liked to hear good things—if it wasn't good, then it was irrelevant.

I was glad she was like that, though.

* * *

><p>Once everyone had gone back to their designated sleeping locations, Edward, Vanessa, and I were finally alone in our apartment. Vanessa had long gone to sleep, and Edward and I were just about to.<p>

I was about to turn out the lamp on the nightstand when Edward said, "Your friends are kind of weird."

I paused and furrowed my eyebrows. I did take some offense to what Edward had said. He didn't get it. He would never, ever get it.

"Edward," I said, "they're, like, the only friends I've ever had."

"I doubt that," he denied. "You had Angela."

_Thanks for mentioning that, Edward._

"Yeah," I agreed, "but I've known Carlie and Kelly since I was little, and Lucy became one of my best friends later."

"I know."

"Do you, Edward?" I challenged. "I don't know your definition of 'weird,' but my friends aren't it. Just because you've never had close friends doesn't mean you get to say that to me."

"I did have close friends," he said calmly. "Shit happened and all, but we were close."

_I know_, I wanted to tell Edward. _I've banged two of them._

But I held my tongue and didn't say that. I grimaced and gave him one of my worst looks.

"Look, Bella," Edward said, staring at me. I glowered back. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are," I told him. "Just don't do it again, though. Okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

><p>July eventually came to a close, and August—and the wedding—was just about blooming. The weather was warmer, the air was less intense. It was nice.<p>

And everything about the wedding was finished. I'd had invitations sent out a long time ago (Charlie would certainly be walking me down the aisle), my entire look was planned out (down to the makeup), the food was arranged, the honeymoon was a mystery but in order (according to Edward because, yes, even people with children can go on a honeymoon alone) and more. Quickest planning at break-neck speed, for sure. Everything was just perfect. August thirteenth would need to hurry up.

I'd also invited Rosalie's friends to the wedding. I'd learned to love them, as erratic as they all were. Erratic in some of the best ways possible.

They were excited the day I'd told them, but by the next day, things were boring again. How was that even thinkable, with such different personalities in one space?

Things were consistently great starting one day, though. The afternoon of Wednesday, the third of August. And boredom was a start to it.

"I. Am. So. BORED," Kate groaned.

Being bored was an understatement. Everyone was literally lying around. Kate and Kelly were carefully on the piano; Eleazar, Carmen, Edward, and I on the couch; Carlie, Lucy, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper on the wooden floor; and Irina and Tanya had cleared the low table in the living room to lay on it.

"Thank you for being obvious, Kate," Emmett groaned in return.

"You're welcome, Emmett," Kate replied in the same tone.

"You know we wouldn't be bored," Edward said, "if we just played _Halo_."

"Edward," Carlie said, "all we've been playing is _Halo_."

"And what's wrong with that?" Edward asked.

"Nobody likes shooter games but you, you douche," Carlie replied bluntly. Leave it to Carlie to simply call someone a douche.

"Yeah, Edward," Irina agreed. "I'm starting to think you're a psycho."

"I wanna watch _Dexter_," Eleazar said, "but not season one."

"That's the best season," Tanya said.

"Sorry, I'm not in the mood to be compared to the Ice Truck Killer _again_," he shot back icily.

"You guys are so immature," Alice said. "With this many of us, we should not be bored. Did anybody bring anything… not stupid?"

"Wait!" Kate called. She slid off the piano and suddenly, she was running upstairs.

"What is she doing?" Emmett murmured to me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Beats me."

In about two minutes, Kate was back with something purple in her hands. She went into the living room and slammed it down onto the coffee table.

"I think our problems are solved," she said, smiling.

I looked at the purple object, and it happened to be a video game. _Dance Central_ for the Xbox 360 Kinect.

"You have a Kinect, right?" Kate asked.

"Yes," Jasper replied.

"Well, I'm not going to move this table alone. Help me out!"

Jasper and Kate cleared the living room and pushed the couches back further. In no time, the video game tournament had started.

And Kate was kicking everybody's ass.

Edward and Carlie didn't even try, Eleazar quit halfway through the song (very girly, required a lot of hip swiveling), and Kate beat everybody else simply because she owned the game and practiced at home.

Well, she was beating everybody until she played against Lucy.

"You're not the only person who owns this game," Lucy said, smiling devilishly.

Kate, who hadn't even broken a sweat, smiled back. "It's a challenge."

For the first time that day, Kate lost at _Dance Central_. It surprised everybody.

"Oh my God," she told Lucy, exasperated. "How often do you practice?"

Lucy shrugged. "Often enough."

And then Lucy and Kate danced again. And again. And two more times after that. Lucy won four out of five dances. At that point, everybody there had seen enough hip swiveling and heard enough pop music to want it to end.

I reclined on the couch with Edward once half of the guests had gone to go pickup dinner later that night.

As I rested my head on his chest, I sighed. "How long until the wedding again?"

He chuckled. "Not that long. You'll make it."

"Kill me now," I groaned. "Let's drive off and get married in paradise. Just you and me. That'd be easier than watching people play _Dance Central_ for another hour and a half."

He chuckled again. "I'll consider paradise. This'll all be worth it, though."

"You think so?"

"I promise."

"I love you," I told him.

"That was random."

"I really do, though."

"I love you, too."

* * *

><p>The rest of the night was mellower. Irina, Jasper, and Alice beat everybody at <em>Mario Kart<em>, so there was some order in the world. Dinner was nice. Everyone got along. How could anyone hate anyone else? There were too many good people around.

The next day, Thursday, was just as mellow, and that night, I actually got to talk to Carlie. We escaped everyone Thursday night and took a walk down the empty, quiet streets.

"How'd your pregnancy go?" Carlie asked me honestly.

I thought on this for a little bit. "It was okay. Throwing up every day wasn't fun." I laughed wryly.

We were silent for a while.

"Do you regret it?" Carlie finally asked.

I sighed. "Some parts."

"Like what?"

"I regret getting pregnant and eighteen and not going to college. That's one."

"That's two, actually, Bella."

"Fine, that's two, Carlie."

"What do you _not_ regret?"

"Oh, that's easy. Vanessa, of course. Also known as the little accident."

"I am so sorry, Bella!" Carlie exclaimed. "It just slipped out. You cannot possibly hold that against me forever."

"I would never, Carls. But seriously. I don't regret having her."

"I'm glad you don't," Carlie said, "because she's really cute."

"Agreed, Carlie. Agreed."

* * *

><p>The next day was much more eventful. I liked it. Rosalie suggested that all the girls should take a trip to Seattle. Nobody refused, and Edward even said he'd take care of Vanessa, all day long.<p>

"If anything bad happens," I warned Edward, "it's on you."

"Trust me," he said. "I'm a pro at this, remember?"

"Fine."

I would trust Edward yet again. I didn't have any doubts about him.

* * *

><p>It took a little over three hours to drive (and take a ferry) to Seattle. It wasn't so bad, but that was because I was in the same car as Tanya, Carlie, Lucy, and Carmen. Alice, Kate, Kelly, Irina, and Rosalie were in the other car, and apparently, Kate drove.<p>

We all stopped for lunch once we were in downtown Seattle, and that was when Alice gave me the highlights of her car experience.

"Kate tried to kill us," she told me bluntly.

"I did not!" Kate called. "You're exaggerating."

"She really did," Rosalie added. "Both physically and mentally."

"Mentally?" Lucy asked.

"She blasted Gaga," Kelly said. "The _entire_ time. It was amazing."

Kate was beaming. "Of course it was," she told Kelly. "And I'm driving back, too."

"Oh, God no!" half of us cried.

* * *

><p>Kate did drive one of the cars back, though. I wasn't in the same car as her, again.<p>

With plenty of shopping bags, all ten of us eventually got back to Forks.

Edward kissed and hugged me as soon as he saw me. "How was it?" he asked me.

I smiled at him. "Successful. And how was Vanessa?"

Edward was about to reply, but there was a sudden outburst coming from behind us.

"_Holy shit!_"

I turned around and there was Eleazar, holding Vanessa. Emmett's face was livid. Eleazar also had thin, white vomit on his shirt.

"Oh my God, it puked on you," Emmett said, disgusted. His face was priceless—even more priceless than Eleazar's, who was just puked on—and he took a step back. Eleazar remained cool, though, just like how he'd been the entire time we were here. He easily cleaned the baby vomit off his shirt.

"It's all good in the neighborhood," Eleazar said with a shrug.

"Ew, don't say that," Edward told him. "It's nerdy."

"You're one to talk," Eleazar scoffed.

"Uh-oh, Biney's mad," Edward taunted.

Kelly burst out laughing.

"Hey, I played lacrosse in high school," Eleazar warned Edward. "I know how to kick some ass."

Edward smiled. "_Ooh._"

"Didn't you get a concussion after one game?" Tanya asked Eleazar.

"Shh!" Kate interjected. "That story was for tonight!"

"We'll live," Irina said.

"We have time," Lucy agreed.

And that, right there, was when I realized that these insane, different, unique, lovely people were my family now, but I was one hundred percent okay with it.

Having family wasn't as bad as I'd thought.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **You still alive? THAT, my darlings, was "Take A Walk :: Constant Conversations" with a hint of "Smarty." We're so close to the end! The journey's been fab. _

_AND I WAS WONDERING..._

_...How do you guys think the story is going to end? I'm really, reaaaaally wondering what you guys are wondering. (Kelly, if you spoil anything I'll punch you.) _

_Until next time (aka HALLOWEEN aka FINALE DAAAAAY),_

_MTL. xoxo_


	35. Paradise

_**A/N**__: We're finally here, guys. The finale of Destructive Desire. Did you see this kind of ending coming or didn't you? "Paradise" by Lana Del Rey (of course) kept me going for this chapter. This is Bella and Edward's happily ever after. Well, it's happy for some. I'll acknowledge you guys in the next chapter, which is the concluding author's note. Enjoy._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Paradise<strong>_

* * *

><p>As I entered my apartment, I came up with two questions. One, how much was this wedding going to blow me away? And two, where was my wallet?<p>

I was actually taking the time to find my things (because why try to find something if you were irresponsible enough to lose it in the first place), and it wasn't working. I hadn't seen my wallet all day. With exactly a week to go until the wedding, I really couldn't afford to lose anything.

Everything was ready, though. Everything. All that there was left to do was the get the rehearsal dinner done and then actually get married. A short walk down the aisle, a few words exchanged, a kiss shared, and a party to have fun at. Oh, and a honeymoon (because even unholy couples with kids can go on honeymoons after getting married, according to Edward).

And then Edward and I would be together—forever. He'd promised that to me. I believed him. I really did.

I looked everywhere for that fucking wallet. I checked every spot in the kitchen, every place in the living room, and even the bathroom. I finally checked my bedroom, though, and then I regretted the decision.

When I entered my bedroom, I stopped breathing. Things were off. Just a tad.

If only I could say that. _Just a tad_ was an understatement.

There were pictures. Pictures everywhere. And this wasn't some cutesy collection of photos of Edward, Vanessa, and I, made out of affection. This was… creepy.

All of these pictures were of me. They were all in black and white, too. Some even looked like they had been drawn, by hand. The pictures all seemed to be from different places and times. Some really old, some recent.

All terrifying.

There were photos of me from Phoenix (I recognized the people). Photos of me at the airport, the day I'd met Edward (I recognized my outfit). Photos of me on my birthdays. Hand drawn pictures of me sleeping.

I did a slow, three-sixty turn and saw that there was not one spot on the wall that _wasn't_ replaced with some kind of black and white image of me.

"This is insane," I whispered to myself.

I wanted Edward to be here. There were a thousand things I needed to ask him. I needed even more answers. It made me sick to realize that Edward had been..._documenting_ me for all this time. (And if he hadn't been, then who had he set up to do so?) Was there something else that he was hiding from me? Was he really not as composed as the act that he'd put on was? I thought so. If anything, it was a great performance. Really had me fooled. Edward was nothing if not an actor.

But I'd thought he loved me. I really had.

If this had been a performance, it was the best performance of his entire life.

…Where was he _now_, though, and why had he lied? What forced him to fake genuineness? We both knew that I hated the truth, because I couldn't handle it, but being fooled right now was too much. I would rather Edward punch me in the face (again), force sex from me (again), yell and curse at me (again), and even stab me in the stomach (again). All of that and more was better than standing here, realizing that he had lied. He had put on the best act, in front of so many people, since last June. But what for?

Chills went up my spine, and I had that sense of nervousness that I'd only so tried so desperately to be rid of. It was back now.

My heart raced, my blood boiled, and my palms perspired. I was panicking, and had only I'd been so eager to get over my small panic attacks, and it was bad this time. Really, really bad. I stopped breathing when I heard footsteps from behind me, and I knew I couldn't try to calm myself now.

All the fears that I'd outgrown had returned, and there was nothing I could do about any of it.

I felt like there were spiders crawling up and down my arms and legs, and snakes coiling around my wrists and ankles, all at once. I also felt like I was being submerged into ice cold water and burning at the stake at the same time. I was trembling like an earthquake, and my throat closed up like a tunnel that had a faraway ending.

I couldn't see any ending to this, though. Not even a hint of light.

And that was when I heard more footsteps.

They were intolerably slow, long-sufferingly paced, and unreservedly sinister.

I held my breath (as if I had an option to breathe, anyway) and listened. A deep sigh, pacing footsteps, mumbled cursing… It was Edward. Who else would it be?

I knew that I couldn't just stand here, though, in my own little museum. I had been through too much to be a coward now. I walked out into the living room, and there was Edward. Tall, dark, handsome, and deceiving. Just like from the beginning. I now regretted ever talking to him at the airport.

And, oh, he held a gun. A small, but obviously real, pistol.

Too late now to ask where and when he'd gotten it.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" I asked him, my voice surprisingly strong.

He pointed the gun straight at me, without a hesitation, and if there _were_ any hesitations, I couldn't see them. "Go into the room," he commanded. "Now."

My heart continued to race, and I turned around and made my way back to the bedroom, also known as the gallery of me. What else was I supposed to do?

I peeked through the blinds as much as I could, to see out the window a bit. Maybe I could ask for help. Scream that there was a fire. Nobody was outside, though. In the near twilight, I was alone.

Alone with Edward.

And I was petrified.

Edward closed the door behind him, and I heard his footsteps as I continued to look out the window. I stopped, though, and turned around to look at Edward. I couldn't trust him as it was; now that he had a gun in his hands I would really, _really_ have to watch it.

"What are all these pictures for?" I asked, trying to remain calm.

Edward circled around me, touching me at the waist and sending shivers down my spine. "Since everything is about you," he said, "I thought I'd create a little mosaic."

"What do you mean everything is about me?" I asked softly.

He shrugged. "You tried to make your life a work of art. You weren't serious about it."

…And he was right. "How could I not be serious about my own life?" I asked.

"Well, cheating on me wasn't the best decision. And neither is hiding stuff from me."

"You've hid things from me, though. I never got a gun."

"Bella, I've been planning this for a while now." He gestured to the walls covered in pictures of me. "I thought you'd appreciate it in a room full of who you love the most. Not me. Not even Vanessa. Yourself. That's the only person you care about."

"That's not true," I whispered. "I cared about you and Vanessa enough to marry you."

Edward's stance didn't break. "You didn't care enough. You're marrying me for the money, aren't you? Or is it just to help you sleep at night, since you fucked up things already? Maybe being able to call yourself my wife is just so you can feel better about yourself."

"That's not true," I whispered again. "It's not. You know that already. Edward, I love you."

He shook his head. "You never loved me."

And he was right, again.

But I wouldn't let him know that. Even as all my fears had returned to me, I couldn't let Edward know this. It wasn't good how I was being selfish again. I wanted to keep my pride, or what was left of it. Then again, who would I have been if I _wasn't_ trying to hold on to my dwindling smugness?

"Bella," he began, his voice low, "you make me go insane. You can't do a fucking thing right. You're selfish. Crazy, too."

"And you're not?"

_Shit. _Okay, that wasn't the right thing to do.

"I admit it, babe. I'm crazy, too. I'm depressed, I'm unstable, and I'm probably an undiagnosed psychopath. I admit it. But what is there to do about it?"

He crept closer to me, and then turned me around influentially to face the window. He opened the blinds of the window, and held my left arm tightly. "Look, Bella."

"Look at what?"

"Isn't this a metaphor for everything we've been through?" he murmured. "It's twilight again. Another ending. No matter how perfect—or imperfect—the day is, it always has to end."

I didn't say anything.

"Only this is the end," he whispered. "I promise. You'll make it out just fine."

It was like…

It was like he was trying to save me or something. Save me from him. Save me from _myself_. He didn't know the first thing about saving anything, though. He didn't know how to make things better. Wasn't that obvious?

Edward was beyond right; I was a fuckup. We both were. That was why we were here. But I wasn't done yet. I wasn't ready to end things. I was selfish, but I wasn't done.

Edward was also right about another thing: I really had been trying to make my life into a work of art. He could kill me in the future. I wouldn't mind. But we'd have to be married first. That was just one last stroke of the painting. One last piece of the puzzle. I'd sign it and ship it off to the unknown museum of infamous fuckups. My life would truly be a work of art.

But he wasn't even going to give me that.

Edward held my arm tighter with his free hand and pushed me closer to the window. "This place never was the place for you," he said. "Was it? You always thought you were too good for this. Didn't you?"

I gulped. "I… I don't know." Add _liar_ to the list of things I was and it was just about perfect.

He pushed me up against the window, forcing me to stare at the pink twilight sky. "_Didn't you?_" he repeated, his voice as cold as ice.

I didn't respond.

"I'm so glad I can get this over with," he whispered.

"Edward," I said in a choked, jittery voice. "Think about our daughter. Please. You love her... don't you?"

"You know I love her," he murmured. "But I need you to go. Save me a seat in heaven if I make it."

"Please, Edward," I whispered, tears finally escaping my eyes. "Stop. I love you. I really do. We're supposed to get married soon. Lie to me and tell me you love me and just stop this."

"I love you, Bella," he said, stroking my hair. "That's why I have to do this. I've always loved you. I think I always will."

I was pretty much sobbing now. "If you loved me," I cried, "you wouldn't be doing this."

"Can't you see, babe? I love you. I love you too much. This is for the both of us. I promise."

My heart was pounding so hard I could barely hear him. Just the intense thuds in my ear that only got faster and louder.

I reached into my side pocket for my cell phone. I had to call someone. I had to. Or... or... my father. Yes, I would call Charlie. Thank God for speed dial.

"No you don't," Edward said gently, as soon as I had already dialed. He then grabbed my hair forcefully by the roots, pulling me closer to him and causing the cell phone to fall out of my hand. I could faintly hear the phone still ringing, waiting for Charlie to pick up.

He put the gun to the side of my head, just about ready to shoot. "You think calling someone would stop me?" he asked, his mouth right against my ear. "You've underestimated me. Always have."

"Please," I whimpered. "Don't do this to me. Don't this to us."

But I knew that I'd lost.

I'd lost from the very beginning.

"There's a special place in heaven for sinners like you," Edward said darkly and so quietly. His hot breath was in my ear and I couldn't even move or breathe or blink or talk or think.

He laughed softly, the gun still at my temple. It was a twisted, dark, creepy laugh that nearly made me throw up. He kissed me on my cheek, soft and tender and terrifying. Chilled me to the very bone. I wished I could close my eyes, but I couldn't. I was frozen.

"Welcome to paradise, Bella," Edward told me. "You made it."

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><p>*.*.*<p>

**NEWS ARTICLE: Teenagers Found Dead, Phone Call Reveals Details**

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><p>FORKS, Wash. — They were the murders that nobody saw coming. On August 6, 2011, Chief Charlie Swan, 43, found a message on his telephone answering machine that would change his life forever. His daughter, Bella Swan, 19, had been murdered by her fiancé, Edward Cullen, 19, who then went to murder himself.<p>

The telephone call went from 8:46 to 8:57pm, with the recording abruptly silent after one minute and two seconds. The recording included Cullen talking to B. Swan intimidatingly. Cullen then shot Swan in the head with a .45 magnum handgun, killing her. After moments of silence and some distorted crying, Cullen committed suicide, also with the handgun. The pair was found dead in their Forks apartment by Alice Cullen, 18, at 9:32.

"I never would have guessed it would have come down to this," Esme Cullen, 44, Edward Cullen's mother, told the police at the scene of the incident. "They were in love," she added.

Edward Cullen and Bella Swan were going to get married on August 13, 2011, but their funeral service was held that day instead, at 5:00pm, the supposed time of their wedding. Cullen and Swan's bodies were dressed in their wedding attire, and they were buried together.

Alice Cullen, Edward's younger sister, said at the funeral, "It's what they would have wanted."

Edward Cullen and Bella Swan had a six-month-old daughter named Vanessa, who is currently living in Jacksonville, Florida, in custody of Renee and Phil Dwyer, Swan's mother and stepfather.

Everybody associated with the formally engaged couple is trying to move on and create new beginnings, claimed Lucy Momsen, 19, Bella Swan's friend. "It's going to be difficult," she added, "but we won't get anywhere if we don't try." Jacob Black, 18, Swan's former friend and lover, had no comments on the matter. He effectively left his hometown of La Push in response to Swan's death and he hasn't been seen since.

Friends, family, and acquaintances of Bella and Edward lived in peace for six weeks, until the murders rose even more questions when one night, both Bella and Edward's bodies were removed from their buried caskets, and their memorials were demolished. The bodies and their thieves' whereabouts are currently unknown.

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><p><em>The End.<em>


	36. Concluding Author's Note

**Concluding Author's Note**

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><p><em>You guuuuuuyyyys. Thank you all—so much. Destructive Desire is finally over. FINALLY. I got the idea back in, like, May of 2011, didn't publish it until four months later, and finally completed it over a year after that. I never thought I could do it, but I did. Now here is my concluding author's note, which includes some of my motives, a few letters of acknowledgment, a full list of songs (!), and more, I think.<em>

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><p><em>To be honest, the only things I regret while writing this fanfic were not choosing a better title (because NOW I realize that the title is ridiculous), not writing Jacob and Bella's first time having sex (because NOW I realize that I probably could have done it well and it could have really came together [haha, "came," get it?]), and taking so long to finish the story (because NOW I realize that this could have ended like half a year ago).<em>

_And I admit it. This has to be the most unpopular Bella/Edward completed fic on the planet. At least it was fun, though. A lot of readers came and went, and applause to them, but these next few letters are for the people that have been here since the very beginning:_

_**For Dream Of Rose Petals**,_

_You are incredible. INCREDIBLE. If it weren't for you helping me come up with an opening line for the story, imagine where this would be now! Haha, it would be nowhere but my imagination, and maybe a document that gets deleted over and over. But it's here. It's finished. All thanks to you, for not only helping me in my many times of need, but staying here the entire journey and giving me the feedback that a suffering writer like me needs. You've made me both a better reader and a better writer, since you are a perfect example of both. Scarlet, you're crazy-amazing, and so inspiring. I think I've said this before, but you are still my utter writing heart and soul. You are. I will never, ever distrust or unlove you._

_**For LavendaBrunette**,_

_Okay, __taco harlot__ bitch. I love you. It's safe to say that I fear your opinion the most, I think, because I know if I mess up the stuff I write specifically for you, it won't be able to die down. THAT SAID, thank you. Thank you so much. You've been keeping up with this crazy shitfest that some like to call a fanfic since the dawn of time, and I owe you. I owe you a lot. I'll write one-shots for you if I have to. Edward/Eleazar smut until you puke. I promise. And that's only half of what I owe you, Kel._

_**For Jaz08**,_

_Okay, girl. THANK YOU. Thank you SO MUCH. You've been reviewing and reading chapter after chapter after chapter. That's crazy! How could any sane person keep up!? Haha, thank you, thank you. Everything you've said means a lot._

_**For Darkward Darling**,_

_I have loved everything you have ever said in a review. Everything. You're fearless, and you tell me when Bella's annoying and Edward's this or that. Honesty is the only thing I could ever ask for, and you gave that. Thank you so fucking much._

_**For those that have started the story and ended up stopping somewhere between chapters twelve and seventeen**,_

_Thanks for trying. If this story was stupid enough to drive you away, then sorry. But thanks for trying._

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><p><em>So, I thought I'd talk about the early elements of this story. One, because I can. Two, because I realized that the stuff from the early versions of this story was… weird. And three, this fanfic took forever, so I feel the need to have special features. Call me Veronica Roth.<em>

_Some things that didn't make the final cut (aka the version):_

_-A preface at the beginning, foreshadowing Bella's death_

_-Bella ending up in the hospital in the beginning of her and Edward's relationship_

_-Edward recording him and Bella having sex, leaking it, and then leaving_

_-Some Edward stuff while he was gone_

_-More Cullen stuff_

_-Bella and Edward's child being named Aria_

_-More present Bella and Jessica action_

_-Bella discovering Leah and Jacob dating via her finding Leah at Jake's house in a bathrobe_

_-Jake and Bella smut_

_So, yes, the original version was a bit grittier, but way more rushed. Would you have rather read the original version?_

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><p><em>Okay, on OCs. Everyone hates original characters. I know. But seriously, I was not going to risk using existing characters and digging myself into a hole. OCs exist in this story simply so Bella and Edward have friends and some more early history. In canon, they didn't have many friends, separately. I wanted to change that. Bella's Phoenix history required her to have friends, haha. That's where the OCs come in, though they're not THAT original. Bella had two main friends (introduced in Blur, the prequel to Destructive Desire), childhood friends Kelly and Carlie, who are named after and somewhat based on two people named Kelly and Carlie, whom I actually know. Then, as Bella fell into her pot addiction (since, ya know, this wouldn't be a story of mine without drugs), she eventually lost her friendships with Kelly and Carlie, but had formed a new friendship with Lucy. They met through Benjamin, one of Bella's love interests in Blur, and of course, pot. How their friendship grew wasn't explained, but it started as just them being stupid, getting high, partying, and eventually getting into a lot of trouble. However, their friendship did grow, which was why Lucy was really the only one of Bella's friends in Destructive Desire to understand why Bella was crazy, but also still accept her. Lucy had been there.<em>

_Aside from Bella's friends, there was also Benjamin's OC sister, Scarlet. I don't know, I just wanted ONE kid in her Phoenix days to not be an only child, and I love the Scarlet that I based the character from._

_Edward's friends were an interesting batch. Because Kelly (the real Kelly, not Bella's friend) got me into that damn Showtime series Dexter, it had to have a sense of belonging in this story. Edward's friends, though they weren't really his friends, were named after a few serial killers from Dexter, because I think I'm funny. Art (short for Arthur, aka the Trinity Killer), Travis (aka the Doomsday Killer), Lila (aka the psycho that played with fire and was obsessed with Dexter), Miguel, Lumen, Bryan (changed from Brian aka the Ice Truck Killer [squee!]), and others were Edward's former partners in crime._

_Using the names of people I know is just easier, ok._

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><p><em>You're probably wondering now, why did Edward do all of this? Why did Bella do all of this? How is Vanessa going to live now? Who destroyed the memorial? Who stole the bodies, and why were they taken in the first place? Where in the actual fuck is Jacob and how does he feel about this? Did Eleazar ever find tacos in an Italian restaurant? In the last few chapters, I really did raise even MORE questions, and if you're into this story, you probably want answers to these questions from me.<em>

_Well, here's an answer:_

_Who the hell knows?_

_These characters' endings and motives are left as open books. I wanted it to stay that way. Nobody should really be left that repaired. This isn't a happy story. This isn't your little sister's frilly, fluffy Twilight fanfic. I don't have the patience for fairy tale crap. That is how the cookie crumbles. So, go ahead, have fun. Figure things out for yourself. But if you really are wondering what happened, PM me and I'll tell you what I think. I'll answer anything—one hundred percent honestly. In a lot of the PMs I was sending, I was being really cryptic like, "You'll seeeee" or "I'm wondering that, too!" I am sorry. I'm an asshole. Anyway, if you don't want to ask me, then think about what you think._

* * *

><p><em>There won't be a sequel to this in the near future (as if you guys want one, anyway), but another prequel's coming up, just focusing on Rosalie and the Denali coven characters. It'll be called Primadonnaland. Throwback Edward might make an appearance or two. If you're wondering why Bella's so messed up in Destructive Desire to begin with, read Blur, the completed prequel to Destructive Desire. Feel the Phoenix heat or something.<em>

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><p><em>And almost last but not least, the complete list of songs that inspire this story. I don't even know, man:<em>

_Chapter 1: "Halo" by Beyonce_

_Chapter 2: "New Kid in School" by The Donnas_

_Chapter 3: "Stop Trying" by Sia_

_Chapter Four: "Love is Wicked" by Brick & Lace_

_Chapter Five: "Speechless"; "Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)"; "Poker Face"; and "Brown Eyes"…all by Lady Gaga_

_Chapter Six: "Broken-Hearted Girl" by Beyonce_

_Chapter Seven: "Criminal" by Britney Spears_

_Chapter Eight: "Criminal" by Britney Spears; "Pearl" by Katy Perry; "Off to the Races" by Lana Del Rey; and "Put the Radio On" by Lana Del Rey_

_Chapter Nine: "Monster" by Lady Gaga; "Toxic" by Britney Spears; "Off to the Races" by Lana Del Rey; "Blue Jeans" by Lana Del Rey; and "National Anthem" by Lana Del Rey_

_Chapter Ten: "Born To Lose" by Sleigh Bells_

_Chapter Eleven: "Sadness is a Blessing" and "Hanging High"…both by Lykke Li_

_Chapter Twelve: "Find Your Love" by Drake; and "Leavin'" by Jesse McCartney_

_Chapter Thirteen: "Lucky Ones" and "Born To Die"…both by Lana Del Rey_

_Chapter Fourteen: "Why Should I Be Sad" by Britney Spears; "My Prerogative" by Britney Spears; "Off to the Races" by Lana Del Rey; and "Hundred Dollar Bill" by Lana Del Rey_

_Chapter Fifteen: "Gimme More" and "Break the Ice"…both by Britney Spears_

_Chapter Sixteen: "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse_

_Chapter Seventeen: "Heavy Metal Lover" by Lady Gaga_

_Chapter Eighteen: "Kids" by Sleigh Bells; "We Found Love" by Rihanna; and "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato_

_Chapter Nineteen: "Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)" by Lady Gaga; and "Road to Hell" by Sleigh Bells_

_Chapter Twenty: "Salt Skin" by Ellie Goulding; and "You Lost Me" by Sleigh Bells_

_Chapter Twenty-One (was originally three chapters but was eventually merged into one): "Dangerous Girl", "Jump", "Body Electric", and "Million Dollar Man"…all by Lana Del Rey; "Toxic" by Britney Spears; and "Treats" by Sleigh Bells_

_Chapter Twenty-Two: "Girl with One Eye" by Florence and the Machine; and "Bloody Mary" by Lady Gaga_

_Chapter Twenty-Three: "Question Existing" by Rihanna_

_Chapter Twenty-Four: "Too Close" by Alex Clare_

_Chapter Twenty-Five: "Scheiße" by Lady Gaga; "Be Calm" and "Carry On"…both by Fun._

_Chapter Twenty-Six: "Photographs" and "Fading"…both by Rihanna_

_Chapter Twenty-Seven: "Fix a Heart" and "Falling Over Me"…both by Demi Lovato_

_Chapter Twenty-Eight: "Rich Kids Blues" and "I'm Good, I'm Gone"…both by Lykke Li_

_Chapter Twenty-Nine: "Boys" and "If U Seek Amy"…both by Britney Spears; "Delicious", "Blue Jeans", and "Video Games"…all by Lana Del Rey; and "Under the Sheets" by Ellie Goulding_

_Chapter Thirty: "Gone" by 'NSync; and "Rehab" by Rihanna_

_Chapter Thirty-One: "Breathe Me" by Sia; "Serial Killer" by Lana Del Rey; and various other Lana Del Rey songs _

_Chapter Thirty-Two: "Love Out of Lust" by Lykke Li; "So Happy I Could Die" by Lady Gaga; "Off to the Races" by Lana Del Rey (AGAIN); and "Only You" and "Figure 8"…both by Ellie Goulding_

_Chapter Thirty-Three: "Maneater" by Nelly Furtado_

_Chapter Thirty-Four: "Take a Walk" and "Constant Conversations…both by Passion Pit; and "Smarty" by Lana Del Rey_

_Chapter Thirty-Five: "Russian Roulette" by Rihanna; and "Paradise" by none other than Lana Del Rey_

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><p><em>I really like Lana Del Rey! Haha, my life was a starless night before she came into my life (haha, get it? Twilight references).<em>

_In fact, I do have a lot of Twilight references in this story. It's crazy. I wanted this to actually be somewhat like the story. It had the cafeteria as a main setting; Edward leaving after her birthday; Jacob's garage as another main setting; the wolfpack traits still going on; an Eclipse era; a beginning-of-Breaking-Dawn era; and more. I hope you caught that stuff. It was fun to have that tongue-in-cheek stuff going on. And the Twilight mentions. Laaaawwwd. "What the actual fuck is a Renesmee?" "What a nauseating name." "What the fuck is 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse'?" I had a ball with those._

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><p><em>And this leaves us here, at the end of this author's note, but this story as well. I didn't think I could do it. I was about to quit this story back around chapter seven, but I didn't. You guys kept me motivated. Music, Twilight, and love kept me motivated as well. My penname isn't that ridiculous now. You made it. I made it. We made it. This story meant (and still does mean) a lot to me. Now it can wreak destructive, desirable havoc as a completed story.<em>

_With never-ending adoration,_

_Your one and only MusicTwilightLove. xoxo_


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